One of my observations from previous mushroom trips is a sense of comfort with myself. Normally I am prone to intense bouts of self-loathing, but while tripping I find those feelings completely absent and I feel great about myself. Another observation I have made while tripping is that I am much more eloquent when speaking - the best and most appropriate words to describe things seem to flow more readily.
With those two observations in mind, I decided to eat a small amount of cubensis mushrooms right before leaving for my high school reunion. I had been extremely anxious about that event for a long time. I had a miserable time back in high school, but felt that I would regret skipping the reunion and did not want to deal with that regret. My best friend from back then had just moved back into town and offered to give me a ride, which I accepted. While he was on his way over I ate the mushrooms - 1/2 gram of little "aborts." I did not tell my friend that I had done this because he has a very firm stance against "drugs." I had been keeping my use of cannabis and mushrooms secret from him for a long time, which was unfortunate.
Upon pulling into the parking lot I began to feel the effects, as well as some significant anxiety. "What a horrible idea this was," I said to myself. "Who the fuck does something like this?" to which I replied (again to myself), "I the fuck!" The unexpected reply made me laugh a little bit which felt good. The sky looked amazingly huge, just indescribable in its enormity. Everyone knows the sky is big, but this was something else, as if some invisible covering had been peeled off, exposing me to the vastness of infinity. I did not want to go in. It felt like walking into a lions' den.
Upon opening the door to the building, a torrent of sound erupted out with palpable force. My anxiety increased, and then suddenly there was everybody - I recognized them all right away - and I was no longer afraid. There were lots of hugs and pleasant greetings and it felt so good. I felt complete forgiveness of everyone there. It was actually something a little different than forgiveness, it was more like just plain affection and love for these people, like forgiveness was a completely unnecessary step that didn't even come into the picture. I just felt good about these people doing their thing. I felt glad to have fellow travellers on this journey of life, glad that others were/are/will be out there doing stuff, doing people stuff, living...
Suddenly, in the middle of a conversation with an old friend and his beautiful girlfriend, I received a warning from my stomach - time to vomit! I excused myself to the restroom as politely and quickly as possible. The walk to the bathroom seemed to take a very long time and my cheeks kept puffing out as I fought the clenching muscles in my abdomen. Finally I made it to an open stall and assumed the position. The Big Purge came and after a minute or two I raised my head and looked up at the walls around me.
The tiles burst forth into spiraling blooms of color cascading down like a waterfall of flowers. It was a brief vision but beautiful. I prayed for a moment, asking for strength and guidance, and giving thanks for the trip and the easy time I had throwing up, and BIG thanks for it not having happened out in front of everyone.
I walked back and did my best to mingle. I kept looking deep into people's eyes as I talked to them, which possibly may have freaked some of them out a bit but I think mostly everyone was too drunk to notice my strange behavior. I was not afraid of anybody, even former bullies were fascinating to talk to and connect with. After a while, everyone filed into the auditorium to take a group photo on the stage. The auditorium was incredibly strange to be in whilst bemushroomed. It was a huge circular room with bright red billowing curtains lining every wall. The curtains appeared to be flowing and moving, which I did enjoy somewhat.
Somehow, probably while inspecting the giant red curtains, I got ahead of the group while moving toward the stage and ended up there by myself. That was a very uncomfortable moment, bordering on horrifying, but eventually people started to join me up there and the discomfort passed.
The rest of the night was just awkward and not fun. My friend who I had ridden up with wanted to leave early, to which I agreed, but then immediately afterward I was invited by some childhood friends to go smoke a spliff. I also agreed to that invitation, upon the condition that my friend could come too. I asked him if he would like to join us for that instead of the movie, but he did not want to. He got up and left hastily. I ran after him, feeling that I needed to apologize for revealing my pro-drug self to him in such a sudden surprising and shocking manner. Some of the people who saw that assumed that we were having some kind of "lovers' tiff," owing to the fact that we had shown up together I suppose. I actually found the prospect amusing, which is not like me at all.
Anyhow my friend and I parted on somewhat decent terms after I caught up to him. The party began to fade until finally it was just me, one of the women, and her husband. They smoked me out with some powerful herb and we talked about politics and the way life has been changing, while my brother showed up to give me a ride.
The next day I had many realizations - that this human body is only very short-lived, that there is not enough time to go about hiding things from people or being afraid of the opinions of others. We need to take these human bodies we have built and use them without fear or shame or self-loathing. I have entertained far too much of that for far too long and it's time to start taking care of myself and seeing myself as a creature worthy of life and of a place in this world.