Having smoked a few bowls in the car, I arrived to the festival feeling unusually paranoid. I fruitlessly fought the creeping anxiety that slowly seeped beneath my skin as we filed through multiple lines and security checkpoints, overwhelmed by disheveled crowds and a lingering feeling that something was soon to go amiss. Having initially planned on rolling(I was at a rave, after all), I took note that it would be in my best interest to find a bit of molly as soon as possible in hopes of loosening up enough to enjoy myself. Scoring was far easier than I had anticipated - we wandered down to the "beach" (the festival is held in an industrial park on the shore of a bay) where we came across a young man selling capsules for $15 a piece. I purchased two hits, swallowing one and stashing the other in my wallet for later use. I had experimented with MDMA once before and dosed far too high, becoming frantic to a point where I had to slow down and think my way through processes as simple as merely breathing properly. We ambled about for the next thirty minutes or so – I had loosened up a bit, but still longed for that fantastic molly euphoria that I had so greatly anticipated; anxious, I swallowed my second capsule.
The effects for which I had been longing crept upon me just as Pretty Lights began to make his starting preperations. I first took note of the oncoming euphoria when, upon accidentally brushing my hand along the rough edge of my denim shorts, I was stopped in my tracks, flabbergasted – never had anything felt so exhilarating. I began to make discreet attempts at touching everything within reach, entranced by the unworldly sensation of my fingers running against every marvelous surface. Physically, everything felt quite the same - yet unfathomably different; unfathomably better. My heart began to flutter in a way similar to that it does when coming up on a high dose of Adderall. This energy, however, was different in that it was directed in no particular direction - this energy exploded from every inch of my being. It was wild, uncontrollable, almost terrifying in that it raged so mercilessly through my veins, yet havoced so delicately the seemingly spineless architectures of my grinding jaw, clenched fingers, squirming toes. I was truly happy – not in a silly, giddy way; I was complacent. I was anxious about nothing – as cliché as it may sound, all that was unresolved seemed to be at a standstill peace with itself. Every issue, no matter how small or bothersome, tormented me no longer – these issues were not erased, merely ignored. If these problems were to take their course, so be it – they would work themselves out eventually. I apologized profusely to a friend of mine whom I had been fussing upon arrival, during which time I had been feeling extremely paranoid and irritable; I was grateful that these feelings had passed, and vowed never again to let myself get caught up in these minuscule frustrations of life.
I will interrupt my dreamlike reflection of euphoria at this point to compare the initial effects of my two experiences with MDMA. Granted, my dose was much higher and my tolerance lower at the time of my first experience – however, for whatever it may be worth, I recall feeling far less speedy and out of control during my second experience. Granted, it was undeniably present - this energy, however, was one far more calm and organized, directed through a mellow peace and connection with others, as opposed to a seething, spastic, borderline rabid love toward the strangers from my first experience.
As the drug's onset morphed from a steady climb into periodic, intense rushes, I began to feel slightly overwhelmed, where at one point, the music was almost too good, the dancing was nearly too entrancing – my pals and I agreed it was time for a quick break. I’m not sure what part of this led me to purchase another two hits as soon as I left the main stage area, but whatever capsules I acquired on this outing must have been of either far better quality, or laced with some more powerful, perhaps even superior drug. A young black man with a backpack offered them to us at a slightly elevated price – when questioned, he replied that the pills were special in some way. To this day I rack my memory, trying desperately to recall what the word he used to describe them was. It started with a B, “bumped” or “bunked”, or something of the sort. I asked no questions, downing two more hits.
Already engulfed in euphoria, this second dose announced its presence in a far more visual element. I was in another world – at one point, having returned to the Pretty Lights show, I was dancing slowly and methodically, rolling back and forth on my hips - a figure-eight, if you will. I closed my eyes for just a moment and had what I believe may have been my first out-of-body experience. The way I rolled easily from side to side on my hips was no longer a motion of my lower body – it was the movement, the very flow of the earth I stood upon, of the entire universe in which I existed. I found myself looking upon a vivid scene through the eyes of a superior being not myself - a pale blue, sky-like background surrounded what seemed to be an infinity sign – it was the track on which I moved. In the left loop of the sign burned a stoic sun with a brilliantly wise face, much like ones portrayed in ancient paintings. In the right was a yin and yang symbol. There was no physical avatar of my placement upon the moving track, yet I knew precisely where I stood. Taken aback, I opened my eyes, disheveled by my brief escape from reality, from life as we know it. It was as if I had jerked myself from a severe episode of sleep-paralysis - the universe in which I had been raised came rushing back at a thousand miles per hour, as if to secure me before I slipped off again into another world. An intricate laser show had began – green spears of textured light criss-crossed above our heads. I reached to the sky as if i were a child; how could a simple reflection seem so concrete? Each beat took the form of a tingling sensation that exploded from deep within my core – the music defined my very existence, my direction in life. It was my guardian angel, the symbol that would guide me to wherever I was destined to go.
At the sets end, we again ambled over to the shore, where we sat so humbly upon the ground, reminiscing on all that was right in life. All that we were grateful for, all the problems that we realized were to be so easily resolved. The cool gravel felt heavenly against my bare legs – I directed my every ounce of relentless energy into the moment, into sitting still and looking over the bay; nothing had ever felt better. Everything was the same, yet so indescribably different that it was hard to believe its former self had even existed in the same version of life as we know it.
We lingered for another hour or so before we hopped on the bus to attempt and find our way home (this proved to be no easy task). Later, sitting in the soft, comforting seat on the car ride home, with the seat heater on, happy and safe with all of my friends, a safe designated driver, beautiful music softly scampering up my legs and blossoming within my brain – again and again I thought the best moment of my life had come, only to find each bested by what simple pleasures were to follow. All of my buddies passed out as soon as we made our return to the hotel room; my efforts to do the same proved to be hopelessly in vain. Restless, I crept into the bathroom, where briefly I switched on the lights and glanced in the mirror. My pupils had devoured nearly my entire eye, trembling helplessly from left to right. I felt sorry for them, sorry for my body, my brain, my system. I wanted to comfort them and tell them everything was fine, that, as sudden and strange as this all may seem, everything will get better from here. In hopes that a hot shower would calm me down a bit, I locked the door and hopped in. Like I mentioned earlier – each simple pleasure kept besting the last. I nearly died as the hot water pounded over my back, soaking my clammy hide. I curled into the stony embrace of the bathtub floor, engrossed in the orgasmic sensation of the empathetic droplets enveloping my every inch, pounding my feeble self into the center of the earth, selflessly offering my body with a protective warmth. I tore myself from this trance to clog the drain, starting a bubble bath so that I could enjoy my music through headphones as I succumbed to a bodily sensation that fueled my interest as to whether or not heaven truly does exist. I closed my eyes and rocked my hips again – to my dismay, I was unable to find the track on which I had earlier traveled between the sun and yin and yang. I did, however, find myself hovering in a floating orb, or even the wings of an angel, above a dark highway, where lonely cars raced back and forth, passing each other with no acknowledgement of eachothers existence, eachothers contributions to humanity, their qualities that charmed this ungratefully inhabited planet – this highway was society, these cars its children. Why didn’t people appreciate all with which they were blessed? My dreams were interrupted by a screeching static as my ipod slipped into the water. Its alright, I thought – as I had realized earlier, frustrations so insignificant are nothing short of selfish to succumb to. Everything happens for a reason.
I spent the rest of that night and morning wrapped in a comforter under the bathroom sink watching the Itunes visualizer on my computer, again captured in another universe that was gradually slipping away as the false sense of clarity under which we typically reside reinstated its presence within my helpless mind. I didn’t seem to reach full sobriety until I was able to nap off the remaining fog at about noon or so that day. My hangover symptoms proved to be surprisingly less harsh than those of my previous experience, though I did experience some feelings of depression and mental exhaustion at various points throughout the following week. Overall, I felt this experience to be far superior to my last with MDMA; I believe I may have come closer to the “sweet spot” as far as doseage, whereas before I became overwhelmed to a point where my energy outweighed euphoria. It truly is an amazing drug which I hope to try at many more intervals throughout my lifetime; I honestly believe that each experience with MDMA has made me a different, perhaps even better person.