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Just what I didn't want

Yet exactly what I needed...

I first tried shrooms about 4 months ago. I had half an 1/8th of what I believe were referred to as "yellow caps." I'm 6'3" and 200 lbs., so I'm pretty sure that's why I visualized pretty much nothing on the day of my first trip. I knew little of the effects of shrooms when I took them, only the knowledge that I might "see shit." What I did experience, though, was my mind being ripped apart by repeating viscious thoughts.

I ate them around 4:30pm. I was with a group of friends and family I was completely comfortable with, though only I and my fiance(who also had half an 1/8th) ingested shrooms. We ate an hour or so before we had the shrooms, which I think helped with my fiance not tripping at all the whole day. After about an hour, I didn't see anything, not even CEV's. Every 5 minutes or so, I would feel a good body rush(can only equate it to the feeling of ecstacy) that would last about 15 seconds. One of my friends told me it wouldn't get any better than it was, due to my weight and the low amount of shrooms I ate.

Determined to try "forcing" a trip, I got on my laptop and started watching whatever psychedelic videos I could find over the internet. After about 30 minutes of nothing-more-happening, my little brother sat next to me and started showing everyone in the room random videos on youtube. He quickly came upon videos of 'arab drifters' doing 'stunts' that went wrong, resulting in horrible crashes. Though I wasn't seeing or feeling anything psychedelic, watching videos of cars crashing and seeing bodies LITERALLY sling-shot out of car windows, 20-feet up into the air, and then hitting concrete COMPLETELY FUCKED MY HEAD UP(sorry, but without caps-lock, I can't adequately explain how horrible it was to watch this...even sober it's a mind-fuck).

I yelled at my brother to stop, and for reasons I still don't know, he continued to play these videos. After I realized he wasn't going to stop when I needed him to, I promptly left the room and stayed by myself in my room. As traumatic as it was watching those videos, my mind quickly shifted perspectives, yet not in a good way. While in my room, I looked out my window and stared at my car for some reason. I thought, "Oh yeah, I have work tomorrow....oh yeah, I'm a pizza delivery driver...oh my god...I have a shitty job...I'm living in a shitty house...I'm tripping on drugs and none of my friends are trying to help me right now..."

Well, it pretty much spiral down from that, to the point where I started questioning the relevance of existence itself. I kept asking myself the same questions, hoping I'd break through with an answer. "Is there a god? If there is a god, why is it hiding? If there is no god, then there's no point." I can't remember what all the other questions I was asking were, but I couldn't stop asking them. If I couldn't figure out an answer, I just asked another question in hopes that its answer would lead to one of my bigger questions answers through deduction. But I wasn't getting answers. And I continued to repeat myself for 2 hours, and then I finally reached a conclusion...

I felt there was no point in existence at this point. I ended up no longer caring about anything. My fiance kept telling me to get up, walk around, talk about it, etc. Yet I felt no urge to do anything. I kept telling her and my friends there is no point in anything, and I have no want to do anything, cause when all is said and done, we are all going to die, and nothing we do is going to make a difference in the entirety of existence. Luckily, though, I started to get sleepy, and I at least allowed myself to walk to my own bed and fall asleep.

Fortunately, I woke up in the morning feeling like my normal self. I was now officially scared of shrooms, and I vowed to never do them again. But I was still slightly glad I did them. In the head-trip I did have, I pushed myself into the depths of my being to find out what spirituality, if any, I had. And ever since that trip, I know exactly how I feel about life, and how I'm going to live it.

Comically, I'm going to be trying shrooms again today (hopefully). This time, though, I know what I'm getting into, I know how to prepare and flow with it, and, best of all, I know I will have a great time and a better life experience.

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