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Shrooms make my life fall apart

3 short trips, 8 long months

April 3rd 2012 EDIT: I wrote this trip report about 2 and a half years ago. I was much younger then, and I've grown a lot happier in the time between which is encouraging. There is so much out there designed to confuse us, and I was definitely quite lost. The world can seem treacherous and unfair at times.

The mushroom trips didn't hurt me, I hurt myself. I was in a grievous state of denial! Perhaps those three trips showed me something I wasn't ready to see. . My thought processes had/have a natural tendency to spiral downward, and as soon as I had felt that psychosis during my shroom trips, though it was only for a few short hours, I couldn't forget the horror of it. I turned 18 today and though I still rely on drugs as an emotional release of sorts I can see the truth much more easily. It's true, I altered my path slightly with these three trips and the very concept of that depressed me for a while. But in the end, everything happens for a reason, and you decide whether to let it stop you, or whether to use it as ammunition to keep going. Now with this perspective, my trip report seems more complete:

I like to emphasize not so much the feelings I had when I was tripping, because compared to the state of fucked-up-ness I went through after the trips were over, the feelings are insignifigant and I wish I had never tripped (hey, I'm being honest). Anyway I'll now write the damn trip report. I'll describe the current situation. I'm in highschool, I've only ever tried pot and I've been looking for some shrooms since Christmas (it's not spring break) and I'm just looking through my inbox on facebook one day when a kid called Aidan messages me asking me if I want 'mushies.' "FUCK YES" was my reply. I was very eager and excited. He gave me the number of a dealer who I proceeded to call. He told me to call him at 10 PM and he'd tell me where to meet him. Me and my two best friends are very eager and excited. We meet him, he's Asian with slick black hair but he's not a self-obsessed faggots like some of the Asian's with slick black hair who I've met. He's a very cool guy and he also tells us he can hook us up with MDMA, LSD, or DMT if we so please.

So, 4 grams of mushrooms. I tell my friends that we should eat them with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. So we go to the store with it in mind to buy 2 Reeses Pieces bars and my friend who's all into fate notices that they are on sale, 2 for 1.59 "Dude it's a sign that we must eat them tonight!" Despite unfavourable conditions. So we go to a park bench, it's like 12 at night and we eat them. We sit on the park bench having just a good old time when suddenly my friend does something funny. I start laughing hysterically and I realize that I'm on mushrooms. I get a light feeling in my stomach and I feel absolutely euphoric. We sit on the bench, I'm doing most of the talking, I guess I ate the most and I'm just a talkative guy. I'm basically spewing some of the funniest things I've ever said in my life and I'm talking about how beautiful and connected the whole world is. We all agree whole-heartedly.

We're only on like 1.7 grams each but we feel great. Were making a LOT of noise, I mean a lot. I beckon my friends to come stand by this chain-link fence with me where 'the view is better.' They come stand by me and we look at the plant-life growing on the ground on the other side of the fence. "Look, it's the shit that grows with grass" I say. "I've been walking on that shit since I was 5 but I've never known what it is." "I'm gonna go meet it!" So I jump the fence. My body is filled with energy, I could run a marathon right now for God's sake. I start clawing the ground like a fucking mad man, my hands scraping the wet grass and my palms and fingernails thick with mud and grass. "NATURE CHOOSES TO EXPRESS YOU AS THE SHIT THAT GROWS WITH GRASS AND ME AS HUMAN. THAT IS OUR DIFFERENCE. I BID YOU HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream as I raise my hands into the air. I'm in absolute hysterics. This was not the prime point of the trip however it seems somewhat signifigant to me for some reason.

This is when a man comes running at us with his dog shouting "were gonna get those kids!!" I recognize who it is as he approaches. It's a family friend who lives right by the park, his name is Nelson. He was just joking it seems, and he comes over. He knows were on shrooms and he gives us a bit of a talk. Wow, he made an incredible impression on me that day. He told us that "it's not the drugs that make you" and "all your parents want is for you to be happy. You know they could have gave you for adoption when you were born but instead they raised you, you are truly lucky" with that I started to cry. Everything was just so beautiful, the stars that look down on us every inght, the tears which fell from my face. He inspired some very beautiful emotions within me. The world was connected before my very eyes. Life is amazing.

So we all split up to our respective homes, we decided it was necessary for some reason even though we were only 4 hours into our trip and it was about 4am. I went home and sat at my computer and wrote a giant essay about all the things I had thought about that night. I went to the bathroom to look at myself. I looked hilarious. Right now I felt invincible like nothing could harm me but that was wavering slightly. Shrooms can spiral quickly from good to bad just as they can climb quickly from bad to good. As I walked through the hall back to my dimly lit room I heard Elmo talking. I forget what he said but the idea that I wasn't actually hearing him, that he was merely a sound created by my brain, kind of terrified me for some reason. It was literally like Satan was talking to me. I ran to my room, sat down, my heart pounding. I shouted my mothers name "Jenny!! Jenny! Help me!" She asked "what's wrong?!" I ran downstairs. "Mom, I'm tripping on shrooms and I'm really scared." I sat down beside her. This part was really weird. Despite me being in such terror I could not express my feelings. I could only talk about trivial things like that we saw Nelson in the park and he told us some cool stuff, and that Nelson is a cool guy. She cooked me some hamburger with onions to calm me down. Once I wasn't quite so scared anymore I went back upstairs and went to bed.

How I miss those days, when life was so simple. When my friends understood me and I understood them and our lives were great. :( Me and my best friend decided to do 4 grams each at a party about 4 days later, and then the crumbs at the bottom of that bag the next day. The party trip was alright, but after that my life wasn't the same. It was fucked. I tried to say things based on what the old me would have said. The fact that I might have changed terrified me. I had become what I ultimately feared, however I didn't know it was possible because of course I felt I was invincible to drugs. There was no way on Earth I could be fucked up like one of those guys who goes about town rambling about nothing that matters. But alas I was, for 8 months, just because of 3 little shroom trips, and I still think about that week every single day. And every day I regret it. I did shrooms about 5 weeks ago and that definitely fixed some of my problems. At least I'm somewhat normal now. To put it like this, I was a tower that took years to build and now I'm just the base of the tower. Imagine how tall my tower would be if instead of sitting around my house staring at the wall and thinking about how fucked up I was, I had been out their socializing and making new friends and entertaining girls, or whatever had previously come naturally. I'm still fucked. I was the kind of guy that could just enter a group of strangers and make a genuine connection. Now I enter the group and I'm the guy that kind of chills out on the outskirts and doesn't talk much and when I do my words disgust me. Because the things I say are useless and mean nothing.

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