I went through this rebellious teen effort to consume as much cannabis as humanly possible. I went to a friend's house at lunch and we all smoked weed. I was feeling okay, not extremely high or anything. I was mellowed out but oddly uncomfortable in the room, in the house. The music was all wrong, the room was all wrong, the people were all wrong. I remained silent and continued to smoke, however, grateful for the smoke. I just closed my eyes.
I don't remember exactly when I felt like something was wrong. I know that I looked at my friends and I could recite their names, and I could comprehend who they were. But when I looked at their faces, no feature on their face was distinquishable. Each face looked like somebody splattered gray paint on it, and made a giant swirl. It was mind boggling, to me-thinking that I'd only taken five hits or something of the sort. I kept looking, trying to convince myself that what was happening wasn't real, trying to accept it, but my mind would not allow it. So I squeezed my eyes shut and put them in my knees. I could hear someone screaming, and I'm pretty sure that it was my soul. I didn't know what was wrong. So I stood up and walked into a room across the hall, and laid down on the floor to try and sleep. I couldn't sleep, though. I laid and looked at the intensely yellow room and I couldn't move. Someone came in to check on me, and I said I was fine.
I ended up going downstairs, because I was still somewhat coherent and able to comprehend time. I was taken back to school.
I felt horribly sick, so sick. My stomach hurt, my entire body hurt. Every inch of my body felt as if it were decaying. I don't think I can convey how much intolerable pain I was in, how much I wanted to stab myself to take this putred pain away. It was such a strange feeling, and I just wanted to close my eyes and rest my body. But a voice kept telling me that if I closed my eyes, I would die. It was painful, but I didn't close my eyes once. Not even when I hurried to the bathroom at school, where the strangest experience happened.
It is a strange, nervous memory on my part to be telling. I was in the handicapped stall, and I remember digging through my bag for my make-up and eye drops, my body spray and lotion, so I could mask the fact that I had been smoking a lot of weed. It was all on the floor. I was hurting, so bad. My voice inside was yelling at me, telling me to close my eyes, but I another voice kept telling me that I would never open them if I did. I was so sick. I sat down on the toilet and looked up. I don't remember how it happened, but I was slumped on the toilet, my body dead weight, my head in the white, glossy tile wall. My neck was bent, but nothing was uncomfortable when I did this. I didn't close my eyes, still knowing I would die.
At that point and time, I completely lost my own self. I lost my perception of reality and if I was even alive. There was no pain. I felt out of my body, but I was still looking around from my point of view. The lights in the bathroom were bright, the textures were distinquished. I died at that moment, I died right there. I know I did. It was quiet. And I didn't care what happened to me at that time.
"Who am I? What is happening? What comes next?" A simmered silence, a body bag? A frightened teacher or the unsupspecting janitor? The angry parents? Who am I? In this body, in this place? What does this all mean? I NEED HELP. But I didn't need help, my mind voice was telling me that I was full of fear. Should I be full of fear?
When I came to, and I don't know how I did, I was screaming again. I was still slumped, and I could hear people walking in and out of the bathroom. I knew that I needed help. And I was screaming so loudly, but only in my head. I didn't dare open my mouth, I couldn't. Somehow I got back up and walked out of the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and tried to understand what had just happened in the stall, but I couldn't. I was in so much pain.
I had to go take a math test. I was able to talk to my teacher all right, and I sat down to take the test. I sat there, my mind blank. In so much pain, wanting to just lie down, but I didn't want to die today. That's what I kept telling myself. "Not today, not today, perhaps on another nervous day." I gave the test back to my teacher and sat there.
My next class was a speech class, and I was in no mind to talk. I sat down, and I could see through the walls. Everything was opaque, transparent. I could see through my head, my body, other people's heads, and I could see through the walls. Someone tried to say something to me, but all I remember saying was, "Leave me alone, I'm a waterfall right now." And I was. My entire body felt like water would flowing off a large cliff. Flowing, heavy, soft. Constant movement. And I could even hear the waterfall in my head. I was a waterfall.
I went home and slept, and the effects wore off. But it was such an awful experience, unintentional. My self stumbled upon something I was not in any way prepared for, and my mind took my mind for a ride. After that day, nothing was the same. After looking back, I realize the weed was laced with something. My best guess is LSD or mushrooms, I don't know which. But I've done a lot of researching on these drugs and others, and I am looking forward to my first intentional trip, on my terms, with the right set/setting and mind frame. It will come at a later time in my life, when my mind is at a peace with my surroundings. But not now.
After this trip and experience, reality and time, and self became opaque. I questioned everything. It was a mind altering experience, and I'm afraid it is permanent. Existence: permanent fact or perpetual fiction? Every thought was contradictory, and every though now is contradictory still. The trip has left me weary of all previously learned material, scared of my self, but at the same time peaceful with notion that there is something bigger than my carnal thoughts right now. And even though it was frightening, I feel that I know my soul a little better. It sounds so awful, right? But psychedelics don't have to be explained, I don't think. It's a personal connection with you and your world, not the next guy's. It's always a mystery.
Thank you for reading all of this, if you have. Happy tripping,