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Azarius
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Very intense!!

Cannabis!




This is my first time trying any drug in my life.  So this is the dead middle of winter on a beautiful night of white powder. 
At this point in time, im 13 years of age and very curious. It's a friday night in early January.

A large group of friends of mine and I have just got done sledding all day. Its beautiful out, everything is glowing from the sheet of snow. 
Its about 6:30pm and everybody except my one good friend had all left for home on account of school the following day. 

Prior to sledding the same day, my good friend's buddy has invited us to smoke with him after his guitar lessons.
So were heading back to proceed with the offer.  The three of us, J, E, and I get back to this spot where there is a
small courtyard in the middle so were completely covered so we were safe from other people. 
We discovered we had nothing to smoke out of so I rode my bike back to my house to grab a large sheet of tin foil. 
Yes, i ride my bike everywhere, even in the snow.  I get back to the spot and give J the foil.  He makes a foily/pipe out of it and puts the weed in. 
J starts it off while singing, Korn 'ya'll want a single.'  He passes it to E and then once it gets to me, I exhaled every last bit of air. 
I sucked on it like no tomorrow while J keeps it burning.  I held it in forever and then exhaled with no smoke coming out at all. 
This pattern kept up for about 4 big bowls of this crap. 

J asks 'are you feeling it yet?!'  I replied 'I'm starting to feel really really good' while bouncing up and down. 
I then took a few steps back while suddenly, I look down at my watch and then look back up really fast. 
The clock read 7:30pm.  J walks over by my and holds my shoulders.  He says 'Hey!  Check this out and spits all over my face. 
I look down to see it all hang off.  He says, 'Isn't that cool?!'  I replied with 'Dude... dude...'  as I wipe it off. 
I back off away from him and regain my joy for alittle bit.  Then J starts saying to me 'hey! Your going to get caught, your mom is coming!!
Your so screwed, there coming for you, your so fucked!' He chants this for about 2 minutes.  I suddenly feel a small chill down my spine and fear begins to set in. 
Three seconds later, the chill returns stronger.  That kept happening until my whole spine would not stop shooting fear down it, the chill was just constant. 
I begin to say 'shit, I am so screwed, oh god! Oh god I'm caught, I'm screwed.  How do I get away from them?! Oh god, oh god.' 

J makes me sit down against a brick wall. I stare at the back peg on my bike while just sitting there repeating those sentences over and over again. 
Very intense fear, the most I have ever felt in my life!  J and E hover over my laughing up a lung while I sit there and repeat myself in great, intense fear. 
After about what felt like forever but was only 3 minutes, I let my head fall into my gloved hands and begin to cry frantically! 
While my head fell into those gloves, I didn't feel my face on those at all.  I had no sense of touch at all. 
If they told me to tell me what item I was holding while my eyes were shut, I would not be able to do it.  J thn pushes my head up and looks me closly in the eyes. 
'Your not going to get caught, it's all in your and man.  Just relax and snap out of it!' 

Just then, I did, I snapped completly out of it!  I look up at them and regain my thoughts.  My normal brain ways are beginning to go back to normal I thought. 
Just then, I had realized of how messed up I was.  My vision was so messed up that I was litterally cross-eyed. 
I then also noticed a very warm feeling in the center part of my brain.  I figured that it was the THC effecting that part in som ways. 
I stand back up and look at my watch again.  It read 7:39pm.  I thought of how extremely long that felt.  It felt like at least 40 minutes in that scary fearful stage. 

I am still extremely scared and in a state with alot of anixety.  We begin to walk back to E's house. 
All of these locations were relatively close so we were pretty safe.  I walked down a small side walk ahead of both of them with my bike in my hands. 
I look back at them behind me and think, wow that took forever. 

We get to E's house and go inside and watch some tv.  E brings in some crakers.  He askes me if I'm hungry.  I replied 'no, not at all.' 
I'm laying on his bed just sobbing at trying to feel better.  J looks at me and says 'look at him man, hes a whining piece of shit.' 
They both chuckled.  They both then get up and whisper something to eachother.  J comes by me and shoves his bare ass in my face. 
I flip out and screm 'get the fuck away from me!'  I sat up and rested for alittle bit.  I kept saying ove and over to just let them to let me go home. 
They both replied 'dude, you can't get caught by your parents.  Would you rather be late going home or get caught high?!' 
So i stayed until 8:30pm just trying to cope with this high. 

At that time, they finally let me leave.  I took by bike and shot home.  I get in the door and tell my grandma that I wasn't feeling good at all and I had to lay down. 
So I went to my room and did just that.  I eventually fell asleep for about 2 hours.  I awoken at 10:03pm that same night. 
Right as I woke up, I felt that warm stop disappear instantly.  I still felt cross-eyes but my eyes we better looking before apparently. 
I sat up and went downstairs to my mom calling me on the phone.  She said I was late and I was grounded for the next day. 
Big deal, I just wanted to not fight with her at all.  I went back upstairs and tried to go back to sleep.  I'm still extremly traumatized! 
I never thought something like that was actually possible! 

After that night, my emotions were extremely screwed up.  I was diagnosed with savere depression and aniexty and also, post-traumatic stress disorder. 
Those feelings of not feeling like I was actually living and fear and aniexty kept up with me for a good two years after that horrible night. 
They finally disappeared slowly over time after that but I just lived with it.  I thought that if I would have taken medication for it, I would have only made it worse. 
It was tough but I coped with it.  It made me stronger.

The next day after that horrifying night, E stops by and tells me a few things like, that was very shitty weed.  That was probably why you flipped out so easily. 
Also, they thought I was eighter going to get hit and killed by a car on my way home or I would definatly get caught high by my parents.  I was also extremely cross-eyed
at the time.

I never touched the shit since and I never will in the future.  It has made me stronger though and I am really glad I have never turned to meds to 'cure' the problem. 
They would have fucked my mind up even worse.  Thats my weed story and by the way, I have completly recovered now. 
It's been five years since that night but I'll never ever forget that painful, intense fear...

 
Sorry it's so long, I tried to make it decently short but I hope it's atleast well written..


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It's been 11 years now since this happened!  I didn't want to touch anything on the original copy because it's so cool to look back on this and see how big of a difference of "me" in general.  Thought patterns, writing skills, etc. Awesome!  Reading this again definitely refreshed my memory of a lot I've forgotten!  I'll never ever forget that horrid feeling that stuck for so long after that though.  Worst feeling in the world, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy..  I thank the good lord in the high heavens above that those days are in the grave now.  Wayy to scary.


Their was a few things I forgot to add when I wrote this though.  On the part where I was sitting there panicing, repeating "im so screwed."  I want to mention that.. it felt like somebody was controlling through me.  Like I was on auto pilot just saying whatever this body wanted.  I had no control over any of my actions at that point because I was so blown.  Up until.. Whatever happened at that sudden point where I gained my control back.  It's pretty much next to impossible to explain because, basically.. That's the sum of it.  It's like your control switch it just completely shuts off and who know what made me "click" back to control at that certain point.  Life is so strange.  Also, I do not hang out with those friends anymore.  I've basically made myself lose all contact with that with in a year after that point.  


I have smoked a few times after this.. This happened in 2003.  I smoked in 09, twice maybe unless it was a year apart and once more in 2011.  I found that it just makes me feel weird.  It basically amplifies every feeling on my body and I just don't like it.. :shrug:  I haven't freaked out like that at all after that first time.  I also realize that it's not the buds fault at all.  Shitty people powerful psycho-actives just do not mix.  But.. it's just not my thing though, I guess..  I would like to try it once more though..  Honestly, I thought this story was a little more, well written lol I want to redo it and make it more detailed/intense, maybe soon.  I still remember it like yesterday believe it or not.  This version sums up the experience though.  I was a helpless little kid, hadn't a clue of what I was getting into back then.


The numbness of the feeling perception and no control of speech.  It's like a little part of me inside was trying to snap myself out of it, I remember.  But my main brain wouldn't listen.  Being that high is like being in a different dimension.  


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Well I'm 25 now.  Still don't want to touch that copy.  I can still remember it like yesterday and.. their is a lot of stuff missing from it.  Pretty cool looking back though.

I've finally summed up what it felt like at the moment I was freaking out.  It was like my body was on auto pilot (I would probably include thoughts on this part) while my soul was observing everything that was going on at that short moment. 

 Theirs nothing that sums it up better than that.  I still remember waking up the next day with the most horrid depressed feeling.  It was so intense, didn't want to even live anymore.  Ended up force sleeping all day until I woke up at 5pm and it snapped out of me.  I will rewrite this eventually..

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