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Jesus, clown sacrifice, and my entire life.

Incomprehensible Clarity (featuring MHRB, Syrian Rue, and a bit of San Pedro)

It began when I recieved my package.  I knew the power that was contained within the pink powder, respected it, feared it, but was undeniably pulled towards it.  Having experimented with the pure form of what I was about to take, I knew I was ready.  I immediately brewed the substance into a thick liquid and left it in my refrigerator, waiting for just the right moment to take it in.  I typically do not have visual trips, but I felt like this might have the capacity to give me precisely that.

I waited for a day when I was in especially good spirits, lots of positive energy as I had just picked up a new job and found a new girlfriend.  The sun was shining, large cumulus clouds in the sky seen through the window.  As my roomate left for work, I drank the syrian rue tea, smoked a bit of green and waited.  I began to feel a weight lift from me, a tingling at the top of my head - utterly divine energy waiting to be released... I snack on some of the left over cross sections from the San Pedro cactus, about 3 inches of cactus... I can envision them in some kind of Mexican dish being delicious but right now, not so much.  I grabbed a 20g pre measured dose of Mimosa, pulled a trash can up to my space in expectation of the coming purge, and pulled back the brew quickly - the abrasive particles slid across my tongue - I washed them back with water, swished it around, closed my eyes.  I know I'm going to vomit, but for now I try to focus on everything besides my stomachs protests.  An M.C. Esher, starting to really pop on me - all those damned stairs leading into eachother... the swans reflected as elephants - they seem to know what I'm up to... they're watching me from the dreamscape with expecting eyes, sizing me up.  My stomach lurches and I feel a pressure in my throat... not yet.  I focus on distracting myself.  A cigarette, the habit disgusts me but it sounds like just what I need.  I head outside and pull in the toxic smoke.  So relaxing but I can tell the second I stop sucking it in my stomach is going to tell me to go to hell.  Oh well, don't focus on that right now.  God damn life is beautiful.  I lay in the grass and stare at the clouds.  Watch my own micro clouds dissipate into the macro above, who knows where that'll end up.  I put out the cigarette in the grass, that tree never looked so alive.  Okay, time to go inside. 

I head inside, grab a large glass of water.  Turns out I didn't need that trash can, I've got control of this.  Into the bathroom.  Alright countdown IS a go, I know its coming might as well help it along.  Over the toilet, finger in my throat.  One quick stream of black.  Blegh.  Down some water, stick my finger down my throat again - might as well make sure its all gone.  A few lingering bits come up, alright it's all gone.  Whew that was much easier than expected.  I brush my teeth, remove all traces of the bile and irritating particles from my mouth.  A shower sounds refreshing right about now.  I turn off the lights and sit cross legged in the shower - visions of the tree of life entering my psyche as the water bounces off my flesh.  It's peaceful, utterly placid and my mind begins to drift. Suddenly from the top of my vision come none other than Jesus Christ crucified on a technicolor cross - there is no darkness here any longer - looking at me and knowing, holy fucking shit, radiating energy like a star through the human dimension like pure beauty warming my soul - come on now Jesus you know I don't buy into all of that now... I acknowledge your spirit in my heart, what more do you want?  No answer, just a revelation:  we've known the entire story all along.  This was all... everything... planned... out.  Visions of pyramids, wars, slaves, metropolises and dragonflies.  All of these things were predicted long ago!  How long have we had this map for?  Why don't we all just get to the godamned point? 

Suddenly I'm a young child lost at a carnival.  The outlines of everything are made out of light, but the overall presence is one of darkness.  What's going on here?  A clown beckons me to follow him, grabs my hand - pulls me forward through a series of tunnel lined with every sort of useless carnival widget and refusing to slow down despite my resistance.  Where the hell are we going?   I get a bad feeling about this, I've always hated clowns, emotions are their toys.  We go through a doorway, he releases my hand and jumps to the side.  A gigantic spike on a pendulum swings into me, suspended from the ceiling it tears the doorway to streds, ah damn it I should have known that clown would trick me.  Now I'm impaled being flung around in circles on this damn thing.  It loops around and around, gaining momentum, I am so disorientated right now and I can feel myself sliding off the spike.  It reaches a pinnacle and I'm flung off over the carnival, into the clouds, I'm soaring with no control with the air rushing all around me, filling my sinuses and I feel very much like a bird at this point until gravity takes hold.  I see a mountain below, no, a volcano, I land into it, am absorbed by the magma within - the clown is at the rim of the volcano smiling down on me looking quite contented with himself.  Feeling my body disperse into the earths bloodstream and utterly dissolving into void.  So that's it, I'm just some kind of ritual sacrifice in your twisted carnival? 

I've had enough of those shenanigans.  I feel the sides of the shower, turn on the light.  The visuals disperse and I'm left only with the bathroom, which has attained great clarity but is utterly unremarkable.  The visions I've had are still overwhelmingly on my mind.  I know I won't ever forget them.  I dry my body off, head out into the living room.  I feel utterly calm despite the intensity of what I've experienced.  I breathe... everything breathes.  It's all alive and I'm particularly aware of that fact right now.  Surrounded by artifacts of consciousness, I feel very grateful to be alive and experiencing this world.  I drink some orange juice... head outside into the divine sunshine.  Everything is beyond beautiful.  I close my eyes, drift into the sounds of the city and the life all around me.  This was all planned.  Visions of my life flash before me - especially the negative parts.  The voice of my inner demons encompasses me, but unlike mushroom trips the voice has no power, here.  A voice of higher authority quickly steps in to accompany the recall of my darkest hours, reminds me that despite the evils I've commited over the span of my life that I can do good, I can change!  I feel as if I'm in the room with a therapist who already knows my whole lifes story and knows the solution to every problem I've ever had... every insecurity is illusionary!.  Wow.  It all boils down to love.  Love.  What else is there?  I thank the universe for giving me this blessing.  Every moment of this experience a weight is being lifted from me, and I don't know how long I sit in the grass drifting through my life, guided by this wise teacher... it might as well have been infinity.

 Suddenly I hear a voice.  I open my eyes. 

My friend rides up, I tell him that I am extremely far gone right now.  It's true, but I've taken so much from this experience, I decide to invite him in despite my desire to continue my solitary trip and we sit for a while discussing life and the universe..  I'm coming down now.  I feel like my soul has been cleansed.  I tell him about the brew, he's interested.  I explain a bit about the nature of the substance, give him a small dose, and tell him to call me in the morning. 

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