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Unconciousness and Death
Details: 1 joint of cannibis and 3.7g of mushrooms
A camping trip that has been planned for months has finally come into fruition. I have decided that this would be an opportune time to reconnect with the desert and nature; I would consume an eighth of magic mushrooms. I brought a quarter in anticipation that someone may want to join me on my trip.
After getting the camp site set up, it was about 4:30. I figured this would be a prime time to dose because one of the main things I wanted to watch was the sunset. We make our way over to the shaded rocks where there was some rock apparent rock art. Being that this was old Indian land, I decided to bring tobacco for everyone to honor the Indians of old who used to conduct peyote rituals. I hand out the cigars and also offer herb to anyone who would like to partake. We finish a joint and my friend Karl wants to join me on the mushrooms. We both consume an eighth at once with gratuitous amounts of orange juice. The mushrooms do not taste bad; somewhat like stale peanuts or a strong pistachio.
Another friend named Bob had never smoked marijuana before and he started to get antsy so he walked to an abandoned car some 50 feet away. The music was some light electronic. Karl and I were both buzzing hard from the marijuana and we decided that any amount of silence hurt so we kept the ipod going. I decided that I was going to get my ipod because I did not like Bob’s music selection. As I walked to my car and I am starting to find that my equilibrium is getting fucked up and it’s hard to walk straight. I get my ipod and make it back. The sagebrush is starting to dance slightly. I knew I was about to get fucked up. I make my way back to the group and change up the music to a playlist I made earlier. This is much better. My body is starting to go numb and lying down is most comfortable. I stare at the imminent rock wall towering over my head. The cracks and paintings are starting to pulse and move into different shapes. At different moments, I can see different reptilian and Indian faces. I am starting to fade into my hallucinations, sedated almost. I sit up to look at the group. My friends faces have started to morph into different creatures, a fly, a spider face, etc. I am alarmed but I can only smile. I look beyond them to the desert scenery and the bushes are waving and dancing. They look like they are all breathing and on fire. I cannot keep my balance and almost fall over. When I look at the ground I can see a multitude of bugs pouring out of different spots on the ground and the rocks. These are not normal bugs, they are mind bugs.
A car approaches quickly and I try not to focus on the noise or what news they bring. I can only hope they are not rangers or cops. The weed is making me paranoid but I try to not focus. They pull up and it turns out they are just teenagers looking for a party. I do not want to talk to them in this state. My girlfriend can see I am agitated and she quickly gathers me up for a walk to clear my mind. My girlfriend was very, very helpful for this first trip and I am very glad she came. I don’t know how I would have fared without her. As we are walking she is asking me how I am feeling. I keep saying repeatedly. “This is amazing, such a different experience. I can feel everything breathing. It feels like I ate the apple from the tree of knowledge. I feel like I know too much. I know what god knows.” I glance over on the ground and a pile of sticks has become a lizard sanctuary. I can see them all crawling on each other and breeding. I look up into the clouds and I hallucinate for a second as the clouds rapidly move through the sky. I glance back up and the clouds are stationary.
This is when the trance started. From here I don’t remember much. The visitors had left my friends so we make our way back to the circle. My girlfriend gets a chair and I sit inside her legs, head on her stomach and my arms on her legs. I kept thinking to myself in terms of time, however these words had no meaning to me anymore, tomorrow, yesterday, hours, etc. I felt like I had stopped the flow of time by ingesting these mushrooms. From here on, my eyes are open but I could not comprehend the physical world.
I keep seeing more bugs and I am getting more and more alarmed. The empty shotgun cartridges are multiplying like bacteria on the ground and the rocks and bushes are starting to grow inert eyeballs. I can barely tell where we are it looks so foreign to me. My friends are talking but their words echo louder and louder in my head almost to the point it is making me delirious. It sounds like they are just saying words. With no meaning, just saying words to make noise. All amounts of laughter echo sinisterly in my head. I think it is English, but I can no longer understand the English language. I try to sit up and ask what they are talking about but there is no strength in my body. I pull my girlfriend close and whisper, “What are they talking about? They are so loud. What is going on? Where am I?” She tries to pacify me, telling me it will be ok. I am also worried that they won’t like me while I am tripping out and that I might be mean so I keep telling my girlfriend, “It’s just the mushrooms. Will you tell them it’s just the mushrooms and I am not insane? I don’t want to be alone like this.” This is when I slipped. I couldn’t even grasp what a mushroom was. I pondered this while my body slipped into a more relaxed and deeper trance.
The real world had become a shell to an alien world. My spirit had left my body and I was watching myself from a different perspective. This place where I was was hellish. The vibrant colors of orange and purple stood out and I was utterly alone. The sun was beating down hard making it hard to connect rational thoughts. I could not communicate and I could not understand. I was at the mercy of all the bugs and lizards that kept spawning in my hallucinations. I was in this hell for what seemed like eternity. The longer I was there, the more I lost control of my body. It was going numb everywhere, it felt as if I had broken my neck or a limb as different areas no longer responded to my conscious control. All of sudden I am on the ground, I look down and the rocks and sand had turned into a myriad of bugs, I scream as I picked the gravel up, “There are bugs everywhere!” I snapped out of my hallucination for a second to realize my friend Kyle is carrying me to my car. I go back into my trance and Kyle carrying me alarms me. I feel like I am actually hurt. I can only wonder in my state of mind. Did I fall while I was tripping out? Did I injure myself? Did I cut myself? Am I going to die? I left hell and I was catapulted into the stars. I was no longer a creature of this planet but something ethereal, my spirit was traveling amongst different dimensions. I enjoyed this feeling. I felt like I was a God as I visited different planets and different times. Sometimes I would even create my own reality on these plants. At one point, I felt that my entirely life was a video game and I was pressing the buttons on the controller from some distance dimension.
In my mind’s eye, I saw my own death and my girlfriends pleading voice, trying to coax me back into the world of the living. I was bleeding everywhere in my dreams, my life was flashing before my eyes. I was having a near death experience. I could see my family, my hobbies, my school everything it was all coming at me so fast. If I didn’t choose life soon, I would be lost forever in this madness, this alien-like reality and I would be dead. I wanted to communicate with my girlfriend while we were in the back of my car but I couldn’t form words. I never felt more alone. I could hear my girlfriend pleading with me, “Babe it’s just the mushrooms. You’re going to be ok. Tell me what I can do to help.” I looked at her, my hands wrenching in agony and I started to cry. But the tears felt like blood and only more affirmed the fact that I might not make it. I wanted it to end badly.
I thought I was really fucked up. I had this thought in my head, “Alright you did it, you fucking killed yourself.” I really thought I was dead. I thought this was my punishment for bringing everyone out here and acting like the boss. This is what I get for screwing around with drugs. I deserve it all. I slipped back into a deep trance at this point. I was on some astral plane and my girlfriend was with me. We were naked and her arms where around my neck. I could see stars and planets behind her and she was asking me what I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything, I couldn’t stop asking questions, “What is life? Is there God? Are you my soul mate? Am I going to die?” In my vision, she would smile and nod at good questions or glance up to the sky. I would follow her gaze and sometimes this gaze would make my spirit leap to another plane. At one point I came back into her arms and my body had a jolt of Euphoria. I just wanted to gather her up and stay with her forever like this. I wanted to neglect my physical body and live amongst the stars with her. I knew I was touching Nirvana. I looked at my girlfriend and kissed her. I could feel the warmth of another human being, I was collecting physical self. But also, I was so happy that she was mine. I knew we were soul mates.
At this point my visions started to die down, and I realized I was in the back of my car. When the car door opened up and revealed my friend Kyle and I was back to reality. I could at least control my body. I stepped outside of the car to still find I was still hallucinating but more capable of carrying myself. Everyone looked at me and knew I had just gone through some serious shit and didn’t say much about it. Later in the night when I had came down I tried to describe my trip. I think the best way to describe this trip was as if you were made of water and you hurled yourself at a boulder to test your strength, and as you hit the boulder you split into thousands of particles; eventually all your little particles have to reassemble into yourself. My trip was like getting hurled at a boulder, broken down and then rebuilt back up. I felt like I was the phoenix and I had just emerged from my ashes.
Was it a bad trip? Perhaps. Was it freighting? Most definitely. Will I do it again? Yes, but not for awhile. This trip taught me that there is balance in life between good and evil just as you must balance your life between being intoxicated and being sober. I must respect this sacred mushroom. My girlfriend is very concerned about me doing it again since it didn’t seem like I enjoyed myself that much the first time. Honestly, I think I was just very unprepared for how powerful a small amount of mushrooms is. Had I taken my eighth in two doses over the course of a couple hours, I probably would have been laughing and running around the desert like a child in full glee. But I think overall it was definitely educational and I don’t think you can walk away from that. But it will be something I do sparingly. I feel like this definitely qualifies as a level 5 experience because for the some 3 hours I was totally in control of the mushrooms in an open eyed trance. My body was there but my spirit and mind where somewhere else completely. Somewhere only the mushrooms know.