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I have been suffering a debilitating depressive anxiety for seven years, and the psychiatrists who I've seen have done nothing thus far to rectify this. SSRIs seemed to invoke complacency, which is welcomed at times, yet my anxiety lingered.
Puberty totally changed my personality; I went from being quite gregarious and cheerful to a withdrawn misanthrope. My social anxiety progressed throughout the years, and I become paranoid and hostile. Conversely, I also went from being a straight D-C student to a straight A student.
I suffered from suicidal ideation daily and tasks that I once enjoyed were destroyed by a fear of failure.
My fears are now hampering my love life (or lack thereof), social (also lacking). I make careless mistakes at work due to sleep deprivation and anxiety--my mind wanders on various tautologies.
One thing I have never told a Psychologist (for fear of being put away) is that I often have conversations with myself as though I exist as a duality. At times I feel as if one is myself and the other is some other entity that alternates from malevolence and benevolence. I often have long conversations with this "part" of myself--sometimes they are entertaining. "It" can be quite derisive in times of slightest perceived failure. When I was younger, I thought of "it" as an inhabitant in my mind; however as I grew older I rationalized that it was just a part of me. I even refer to this it as "you" on many occasions in conversation--while walking alone in public.
My family has a long list of psychological instability: my uncle recently stabbed himself to death 20 times in a fit of suicidal rage (a rage which I sadly am prone to having--but can subdue).
In short I suffer from: - constant anxiety: often needless. -paranoia -- extreme at times -an unquiet mind that can only be silenced by drugs at times -easy to anger and equally easy to please. Very hard to find a middle ground. -constant fear of failure. -dissociation of mind and body--i wouldn't even call it absentmindedness. I have been known to seriously forget where I am while my mind wonders (this occurs when I am most anxious)--leaving my body in a stupor. - duality of the mind - entertaining myself with thoughts of grandeur. - Infatuations with romantic partners--which can become turbulent if I cannot perceive my partner's thoughts. -jolts/ ticks throughout hands/body at times (rare) - a feeling of pins and needles throughout my body when incredibly anxious or saddened. - an intense implosive rage when I fail at tasks (my arms are scared from some of these rages). -Being exhausted and simultaneously unable to sleep. -Obsessive thoughts--usually around failures/jobs/school/love. - feelings of being a constant burden upon others. (including relatives)
I've been dealing with this for seven years and have tried SSRIs and a plethora of other medications.
I wish I could pinpoint what made me feel this way, but I can't. I can't get away from myself.
I'm not quite sure whether I honestly want to live the rest of my life like this and seriously contemplate ending it before my mind becomes a hell.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
After looking at your posts a casual guess on my part is that you already said that it is fear of not measuring up. Perhaps your dad couldn't relate and you felt like an outcast from an early age. I think some of the most successful people suffer from feelings of inadequacy, and inadequacy maybe the driving force behind their success. Psychotherapy probably wont help, but drugs will. I suggest you try to form a relationship with a psychiatrist who is willing to prescribe you drugs until you find just what it is that makes you comfortable.
Have you tried Ritalin?
-------------------- Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
Quote: Booby said: After looking at your posts a casual guess on my part is that you already said that it is fear of not measuring up. Perhaps your dad couldn't relate and you felt like an outcast from an early age. I think some of the most successful people suffer from feelings of inadequacy, and inadequacy maybe the driving force behind their success. Psychotherapy probably wont help, but drugs will. I suggest you try to form a relationship with a psychiatrist who is willing to prescribe you drugs until you find just what it is that makes you comfortable.
Have you tried Ritalin?
Thank you for your reply
1) Yes, I admit inadequacy is a big driving force for success, but I also have a strong interest in neuropathology.
2) Ritalin and other amphetamines make it worse. I surprisingly do not have trouble concentrating in school and am doing rather well.
I definitely have more than just feelings of inadequacy though. If it were that simple, I'd gladly have allayed it with therapy.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Quote: Booby said: What about the relationship with your father, is there anything to that?
It was almost nonexistent. He wanted me aborted and my mother didn't. I never talk much of it because it never really bothered me as my mother was good at compensating for both roles. (ironically my mother is a psychologist)
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Quote: Booby said: Do you think talking about it helps or agravates? What drugs have you not tried but think may help?
It definitely helps. I honestly don't have any friends because I get to anxious around people in person or generally don't see why they'd be interested in being my friend and refrain.
Opiates help. If it weren't for the little sense I do have, I'd probably be an opiate addict.
They lull me into a much welcomed euphoria.
i think im going to have a neruotransmitter test done. I swear something is off--suicide is just so prevalent in my family.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
The thing that seems to do away with all of these unhappy thoughts is when you have fun with other people. When you are having fun all of this shit that is in your brain and that you currently fret about will just disappear...I promise.
Drugs won't solve it. Counseling probably won't solve it. You just need to start having fun. That's my opinion.
Quote: RandalFlagg said: The thing that seems to do away with all of these unhappy thoughts is when you have fun with other people. When you are having fun all of this shit that is in your brain and that you currently fret about will just disappear...I promise.
Drugs won't solve it. Counseling probably won't solve it. You just need to start having fun. That's my opinion.
As simple as it sounds this might be true :/. It's just SO hard for me to be around people for extended periods of time without being on something.
My life is pretty boring: 1) I go to class year round with no breaks (2 majors/2 minors) 2) I tutor 3) I sleep 4) I work nearly full time in the summer.
It's not fun but I find it comfortable and I'm least anxious.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Can you figure out when those conversation with yourself occur? When the benevolent or malevolent sides of you are appearing? I suspect that you do that for many reasons. And the first would be because you feel uncertain of yourself and think that there are things that only you could understand and others would judge, and of course you don't want that. So then you're comforting yourself. You tell yourself what you need to hear from others and in the same time you're trying to find a reason to your behavior, something that makes sense thinking that maybe if you find something reasonable enough to you, others will find it reasonable too and so you're trying to construct a bridge to the outside world.
Then your malevolent side of you is when you get mad at who you are. And you punish yourself. Punishing oneself can have many '"applications", and the first one would be because one feels that one "strengthens" oneself by doing so, therefore becoming more apt and ready to face the world. The other would be because one would become the "mind" of those who look like enemies, people who judge him/her.
Do any of those reasons relate to you?
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Quote: MushroomTrip said: Can you figure out when those conversation with yourself occur? When the benevolent or malevolent sides of you are appearing? I suspect that you do that for many reasons. And the first would be because you feel uncertain of yourself and think that there are things that only you could understand and others would judge, and of course you don't want that. So then you're comforting yourself. You tell yourself what you need to hear from others and in the same time you're trying to find a reason to your behavior, something that makes sense thinking that maybe if you find something reasonable enough to you, others will find it reasonable too and so you're trying to construct a bridge to the outside world.
Then your malevolent side of you is when you get mad at who you are. And you punish yourself. Punishing oneself can have many '"applications", and the first one would be because one feels that one "strengthens" oneself by doing so, therefore becoming more apt and ready to face the world. The other would be because one would become the "mind" of those who look like enemies, people who judge him/her.
Do any of those reasons relate to you?
Yes, actually. I have always been called weird. I say weird things (which attract certain people). I always feel aloof and different from people. I always feel like I'm standing out. To avoid this I used to walk with my head down when I was younger to avoid any possible eye contact.
I think I punish myself because I feel I need to be at times. I think the duality of my mind is because I can't trust anyone to be supportive or honest.
When I was a rambunctious little kid, no one chastised me. But once in jr. high it was very different. I punished myself--often by cutting or hitting. I sometimes still have sudden urges to self-inflict.
Oddly I never get hostile towards people anymore. It's pretty much all implosive, even if it is there fault.
I gave up on dating for awhile. Im too concerned with what the person is thinking and my insecurity shows.
The conversations with myself never stop, even when I am around others. The switch of benevolence to malevolence is usually trigered by failure or perceived rejection.
Thank you.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Yes, well first of all, I have to tell you that those alternate personas you're having are a natural reaction to the anxiety and lack of self confidence you're facing. This is a great sign, because it means that you're able to find means to help yourself. You didn't find more constructive ones because when we're in a harsh situation we are blinded by fears, anxiety and paranoia, which makes us unable to think straight. So you don't have as many problems as you think
It would really help to know more details of your life, random stuff, anything can come on hand because even if they're "random" to you, they all relate to something. Once you begin to understand where they come from, you'll be able to find a sense and the right explanation regarding the reason why you find yourself in that situation and then you'll be one step closer to solving them.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Quote: MushroomTrip said: Yes, well first of all, I have to tell you that those alternate personas you're having are a natural reaction to the anxiety and lack of self confidence you're facing. This is a great sign, because it means that you're able to find means to help yourself. You didn't find more constructive ones because when we're in a harsh situation we are blinded by fears, anxiety and paranoia, which makes us unable to think straight. So you don't have as many problems as you think
It would really help to know more details of your life, random stuff, anything can come on hand because even if they're "random" to you, they all relate to something. Once you begin to understand where they come from, you'll be able to find a sense and the right explanation regarding the reason why you find yourself in that situation and then you'll be one step closer to solving them.
Thank you once again, you are very helpful. I honestly don't talk much about my problems because I feel I burden people. And I always feel like a burden. I just never saw why people would care about me.
But I will mention things since you seem genuinely interested.
1) I am a mixed race 20 yr old male. Dad is black mother is Italian/Mexican. I always considered myself black but most ask me "what are you". I'm not really bothered by it because race never mattered to me. 2) I was always a loner, partially imposed by my mother who kept me from talking to other kids around my block (I lived in a "rough" neighboorhood). 3) My mom is very very protective. To her I am still 7. 4) I was teased for reasons I don't feel comfortable mentioning. 5) my diet is poor --i often go without breakfast and eat primarily fatty foods. quite a sedentiary liftestyle but I have a fast metabolism and do not gain weight easily. 6) I do well in school but I find myself always feeling unintelligent. Conversely, others (people who are impartial) generally perceive my as an intelligent person. I just have a problem with believing anything positive about myself.
Aside from that I don't know. I grew up as extremely sheltered. I'm honestly not used to delving into past issues, but anything you want to know feel free to ask.
Once again, thank you for your help.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Well from what it seems to me, your mother and your relationship with her seems to be the unhealthy one, not the one with your dad. I know what this type of parent-child relationship can do and these are the exact "effects" you get from it. I think that you're starting to become aware of the fact that you change your behavior and that's the hardest step - the one you just made. Now you're becoming aware of what's unhealthy in your life A thing that might help you is turning your unhealthy relationship with your mother in a positive and constructive one, whatever the means are ( from talking to her to detaching yourself completely to her). I think that this would give you the power you need to realize that you're your own person and that there's nothing "wrong" with you). You are a person who had to adapt to certain life conditions (mental conditions of self-protection). So you created some patterns in your behavior. All if your reactions which you described earlier are nothing else but patterns and you showing signs that you're tired of them. Just the way you created them, you can also undo them. It will take time and your Will. I'm willing to help you in the measure I can with anything you feel like saying or feel that it's important.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Quote: MushroomTrip said: Well from what it seems to me, your mother and your relationship with her seems to be the unhealthy one, not the one with your dad. I know what this type of parent-child relationship can do and these are the exact "effects" you get from it.
Totally, if she was totally protective and sheltered him from a normal life, out of her own fear, I'm sure it would be only natural for him to start to wonder what was so different about him, when seeing everyone else interacting together and having fun. She definitely seems to be the source of all of this, everything compounded from it - she imprinted her fear onto his experience of reality. By the way, you're wonderful.
Let me tell you, Afro, you have a great opportunity before you. You clearly are intelligent, and while it might seem that you have a lot that is restraining you from simply being, it isn't true. You seem to really be interested in understanding what is happening so that you can begin to transcend it. Clearly a lot about your experience right now is manifesting from your subconscious, simply due to the emotions involved and how long these patterns have been occuring and the nature of the source of all this, but it really starts with this present moment and your conscious thought processes. Really stay aware of what you are telling yourself about yourself, in this moment. Are you reinforcing a concept of who you think you are, or are you creating who you wish to be?
Tell me, friend, who do you wish to be? What kind of person do you see yourself as, ideally?
-------------------- If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
You won't do it but it would help you tremendously.
-------------------- Why does changing the party in power never change policy? Could it be that the views of both parties are essentially the same? - Ron Paul
-------------------- If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Thankyou for your honesty. Perhaps, as Mushroomtrip suggests, you could find it in yourself to change your outlook from monogamous to polygamous within a tight circle of friends/colleagues such as a team of researchers, so that you would have support and opportunity to "play".
-------------------- Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and replies; I apologize for not replying sooner (I went to sleep).
I never considered the relationship with my mother to be unhealthy because I always had the belief that such a relationship is only fostered by a negligent or abusive guardian. . I suppose being sheltered lead to a great deal of awkwardness that was only exacerbated by the ill-reception from some of my peers. My reclusive tendencies continued to be reinforced by her protectiveness until my later teens, when she ironically began to chide me for my solitary lifestyle. She is a wonderful psychologist and has aided many; however, her own social life is rather turbulent itself (aside from with me).
She continues this in college. I recall her many times answering questions for me. "What is your social security number," and before I can utter the first digit she would recite it happily. This is when it began to get annoying and I have since tried to distance myself from her slowly. Even today she has called 3 times to ensure that I do not need anything--to which each response has been no; I anticipate a 4th inquiry within the next 3 hrs.
I love my mother; however I do realize my need to be independent. It is now all her fault, however.
I do tend to reinforce negative images of myself; most of which others have told me are either completely ludicrous or over exaggerated. My neurotic tendencies have hindered my social growth, and I am slowly endeavoring to change that.
Oddly, whenever I say or think something positive about myself I feel like a narcissist. Quite odd indeed but its a tough feeling to eschew.
Thank you again.
What kind of person do I want to be? I wish to be a loving boyfriend and lead a pretty simple lifestyle. I have never been focused on the superficial and material thins (I am relatively easy to please in both aspects.
Even though I claim to be a misanthrope, I am actually a hopeless romantic and great friend to the few I do have (they are actually dismayed by the fact that I don't have many other companions). They all admit I was hard to get along with at first; however.
Academically I do well in a variety of subjects; though I admit I have to put much more effort forth in mathematics (which I have usually scathed by with an A- throughout my life hehe.....TONs of work).
I wish to be a neuropsychologist because I beleive there is much to be learned about the human mind and its biochemistry. It's one of the only ways I could think of that combines my love for psychology and chemistry (that wouldn't involve me being a pill-pushing psychiatrist). I'm not even put off by the average neuropsychologist dismal salaries hehe.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
Unhealthy relationships can have many forms, and I'm not contesting the fact that your mother loves you, cause I'm sure she does. But it's still an abusive relationship (from her side). She can be a wonderful psychologist and know millions of things, but she was/is over protective with you, that can happen in cases when people don't make the connections from what they know/learned to their personal life, and that's a wide spread mistake. So her intentions can be the best (and I'm sure that they are) but she's suffocating you. What's the most important thing you need to do (in my opinion) is to put a stop to this destructive relationship. This doesn't have to mean breaking the relationship with her, but opening a channel for communication. You need to gain your strength, and that's a crucial step for you, because it will determine your future mind set. You sound like a smart guy and I think you fully understand what I'm talking about. I think I'll need more details on how your currently communicating with her, in which terms.
Neurophysiology sounds very interesting and I've always felt it's better to do what you like rather than something that could give you more income but less satisfaction. And I think it fits you. You have a great opportunity to learn from this hard experience More to that, I think that this experience played a bog role in making you choose this path over others. The advantage in enormous because you already know so much about how human mind works and it will be so easy for you to integrate all this knowledge in your future profession
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
My uncle (blond hair, blue eyes) married a black girl and his mother disowned him. My mother thought his children were attractive so she attempted to have a baby by a Sikh but miscarried.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
Ah the over protective mother syndrome, my entire circle of friends is afflicted by that one. My mum is as nice as pie as long as you are conforming to her wishes, otherwise it is best to clear the area. I often think certain homosexual impulses I experience are a reaction against my mother's controlling behaviour. Do you live with your mother at the moment or in dorms or something?
I gotta run some errands so I've only read about a quarter of this thread but one thing really stuck out to me with the voices or talking to a seemingly separate aspect of yourself, because....I do it too!
and I have been ever since I remember. It has helped me solve tons of problems in my life because It's like conversing with a very understanding and insightful person. I might look crazy because I when I do this I talk out loud to myself haha
and it's not just talking...I get really get into it. but I guess I avoid doing it around other people. I always get caught talking to myself and feel kinda dumb haha oh well
It really feels like almost a different person that I'm talking to. I pretty much treat my "voice" as one and my "thoughts" as another I dunno it's hard to describe.
You ARE different from other people, thats not necessarily a bad thing by any means. I don't mean from what you've posted, but in general everyone is different in some way.
I don't want to get into to much of your info. All i have to say really for advice is that thinking positive helps A LOT with depression and anxiety, you can say no it doesn't, you can even say its not that easy. Its not that easy, and trust me I know. But it really does help. When you start thinking negative, try and look for something positive in it, if its possible. As long as its not extremely horrible, you have to be able to make up some reason to think good, or make it not seem so bad. Down playing it would seem a better term, as long as it fits the situation. If you start thinking negatively, fight yourself.
If talking to people helps i would suggest finding a good therapist, one that isn't biased against you, or a kook. You should be able to tell pretty quickly if they are helping, or even want to help. Not all can, or are able to help. But you will find one that are definitely helpful, and know what they are doing.
Medicines also are a good thing sometimes, though being careful, and doing your own research is a MUST! Because not all doctors care what they put their patients on. I'm sure you know this.
As for the social aspects of things, i suggest finding friends that you are comfortable around. If you need to feel confident about yourself, there are ways of learning about yourself, and coming to terms with who you are, as well. Of course a lot of things sound a lot easier then they are. But its not something you should feel is impossible by any means, because its not.
I for one, am proud of every part of me and who i am, despite what anyone thinks about me. That alone helps me get through the day, regardless of what i THINK people are thinking about me. Because i could care less. Not that, that holds true for you, but just giving you an idea of a different perspective.
Life can be awesome, and i don't want you to miss any bit of it. I used to be completely jacked up, far worse then you can imagine, especially when i came back from Iraq. But i worked through it. So i know you can to.
I used to worry about every little thing, which kept me from sleeping. Only has a combination of medicine, therapy, and talking to people helped. Now I'm fine, but things don't always start out that way.
As for talking to yourself, I cant really suggest anything. I personally would suggest finding a way to get yourself to stop doing it, and think things instead. Personally i just cant do it, but its not necessarily a bad thing, so i wouldn't worry about it so much. But just as someone pointed out earlier, at the very least i would try to stop doing it in front of other people, as sometimes people make rough assumptions right after meeting someone. Its kind of hard not to. As for showing your insecurities around other people, just do your best not to show them. Or talk to them once you are comfortable with them.
If they are any kind of good person your insecurities shouldn't matter anyways. In the sense that they shouldn't hold that against you. If anything they should want to be helpful, that also being a good and bad thing. Depending on the person of course.
You have to understand that not everyone is good, and in the same hand not everyone is bad. This is just the way things are, there is a fine line between them, finding that would be a good thing to do.
EXACTLY.. !! As for the rest of this post, it is intended for the original poster. But mushroomtrip put everything together rather well.
What i was thinking when i read most of his posts (keep in mind in no way am i flaming, or mean any disrespect by this) is that he has missed out on a lot of things in life. Either from being shielded/protected by someone and/or from not getting things fixed sooner. IE not having friends because you feel weird, left out, so you don't talk to people. Looking down instead of up. For no reason should you be ashamed of who you are, or any problems you might have, that is NO reason to look at the ground. Everything i say, understand that i am not saying you are wrong in any way for how you feel, i know if i saw even the slightest hint of someone needing help, or that i thought that you weren't happy with yourself, i know i would get you help, but unfortunately not everyone is like that. I'm just trying to say that there is nothing wrong with you for having problems, everyone does, and that you are seeking help is a good thing, just know that things will get better. I don't know you, or what you've been through, but it sounds like you've missed out on a lot. But that is nothing that can not be fixed, even if it is true. I have had to go through a lot to get to who i am today, both good and bad, experiences are something that you've missed out on it seems, but don't think you haven't experienced anything. It may be true you need to experience more, but more experiences are something that you will be able to find easily given the right circumstances, they are not far from your reach, and those alone can help you do some of the things Ive already mentioned. That along with other things, i know everything will turn out a' okay!
Missing out on things could easily have caused you to miss out on a lot of things that most people experience early on in life. Ive had so many friends turn out to be total assholes, and so many turn out to be awesome people. Some falling in the cracks in between. But regardless, all the things Ive been through in my life that have caused me to learn most of the things i have, have been extremely difficult. At the time i probably would have easily looked down if i knew to, but its not something Ive ever been used to. Only by suffering through crappy friends can i now pretty much get the feel for a person right away..
I see how easy it would be to dismiss these things and kind of shy away from them. I doubt you knew this is what you were doing, but i see what you have said so far, and it seems like your mentality kind of protected you, with or without you knowing it. I think this though unfortunate, shows just how intelligent you really are. It just means you have some work to catch up on . Just know that no matter what problems you may have people in this community will always be there to help, no matter what the problem is. Feel free to message me anytime, i would be more then happy to help in any way that i can. Even if you just need someone to talk to. You sound like a great person, and i wouldn't mind in the slightest.
Someone can tell you something until they are blue in the face, but more often then not, you will not and can not, understand until you experience something on your own. Of course some things this not holding true to, but for the most part i see it as true.
My general opinion is you've missed out on a lot, and have a lot to learn, and experience. But you are a good person, i can easily tell that just by reading your posts. So don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If your still looking down, look up, the world looks a whole lot better most the time when your actually looking at more then the ground, i promise. Though dark at times, the light tends to shine through even the darkest hours, even at night the moon light shines down. Though some things you experience will be mad, i can guarantee the good will far out weigh them.
As for you saying you don't want to be flamed. if anyone would have flamed you, they probably don't belong in this community. Not at all
Hey i was reading your post and i can relate to you. I get bouts of social anxiety, plenty of it. I used to get it alot but i had ways of covering it up, through acting the way people wanted me to act. Really, my social anxiety and fear of failure are the same. I am pre-occupied with the reality of creating something that i view as bad, be it a failure or bad impression(on someone). I've discovered through my experience that these all stem from not being able to accept ourselves as imperfect,(good and bad)ultimatly as expressors of this duality of truth that is within us for a reason, we need bad to experience good, we need bad to motivate us, give us purpose. I remember that as a child this was always there, as is our birth right to live within fairness and acceptance, but as we grow up we see that our acceptance of ourselves, which never came into question begins to change because we see that others, namely those older than us influence us so much to believe that acceptance is something that is found only external to us and so we develope a conditional acceptance of ourselves and others, finding nearly impossible to cope in a world like ours. Suicide is not far away from me, within this mind set, although i do not fear having thoughts of doing it, because within reminding yourself that you accept yourself and can for-give acceptance when you do fail, in the same you as when you succeed, suicide can seem like a choice not worth taking, not ever a fear. Really me and you are people that fear the inevitability of the nature of our being, a nature hidden in expectaion and conditional acceptance and love that rains over many peoples lives within our culture. Hostility is rational if and only if, we find it hard to accept ourselves unconditionally, for we fear falling back into an abyss of depression, that is usually sparked by not accepting and loving yourself,because these feelings come from the outside, thus creating paranoia towards losing your acceptance and becoming hostile towards opinions. Ironically, yet invitationally, Its our birth right to accept ourselves as having dignity for this very reason: we are not perfect, we are good and bad. Who i believe i am, is that within me who is working towards good and doing its best(all i can) with what i was given to achieve it.This is trully who we are and coming to grips with it, helps replace anxiety with feelings of euphoric freedom. Doubt is the only obstacle for me, because all this seems to good to be true. Yet this is not too good to be true at all, it is truth. You know we are all equals, no one can succeed better than another. The seems of someone doing a good thing is really just an outcome of what is trully going on: This person is doing his/her best with what she was given to express her nature as an imperfect being, driven by her/his very imperfection. Whenever you feel like the anxiety is to much, just close your eyes and remind whatever truth disintergrates the anxiety and fear, over an over, but do not just remind yourself of the conclusion, but how you got to it. Let your mind come to the realization of it, through truth. I have a poem you may enjoy: To me love is free. Free from expectation, Freeing me from self doubt, witness fears disintergration, Intergrating into love, My spirit feels assured, flying peacefully like a high-above, After clearing my sight from expectaions and fear blurr. Onto where i was as a child, to love open plains, high above the clouds of pride and shame, To do what i knew when i came to my earth, Experiencing myself within love and truths constant rebirth.
Side note: I love you and i love myself for i know you are doing your what you can for yourself, you wonderful creative creations. ^.^
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
Yes, hard experiences are the one that make us grow. It's something that we become aware of and then when we find ourselves in those situations, no matter how traumatizing they would are, we find power in the thought that we're getting out with a lesson learned and with the ability to make our lives better, since our views are more open.
But in the same time I think that Afro feels that he lacks of any experience, and that's what scares him most. So he needs to become aware that ever this feeling he has, is still an experience, and one which can help him grow as a person in huge proportions. In his current situation resides a huge potential, and I have the impression that he's getting closer to realizing it
I can perfectly understand why and what generates this defensive mechanism he's developed and all we can do is give him some pointers, so he can make the right connections, adapted to his life. Soon he'll find himself thinking "I have nothing to be ashamed of", and that will be when he will fully understand everything that generated his current behavior.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Definitely. I agree, its easy to shield yourself without even yourself knowing of it sometimes. In the past Ive managed to suppress my problems through drug abuse(though some drugs aren't used to hide the problem, others were..) or should i say i THOUGHT i was suppressing my problems, though if anyone is doing this, it doesn't last forever i promise, that as well as just worrying about it most of the time. Instead of facing my problems i would more often then not, think about what I was going to do, more so then actually trying to find ways to fixing it. I would go in circles, over and over again. If i wasn't doing that, then I would pretty much make sure i was so high i forgot about my problems, atleast for the time being. Only through doing what Ive mentioned did i actually get better. I was shielding myself more often then not, and only over a long period of time did i realize it. I was doing it myself without even thinking about it
Mind you i still use drugs, just not to suppress my problems. I have found ways to fix them, and ways to help myself. Everyone as long as they try, will find their 'way' sooner or later.
Its easy for me to feel good about myself, i dont know why, i have always been this way, though it has increased through my experiences, and only grown stronger. Some people i know aren't like that, but that can be fixed. Going through life not feeling good about myself, is something i would never try to do. If i didn't i would find a way quickly, and thats why its great that the poster of this thread is trying to get help. Its unfortunate, some people never get help, not even realizing they have problems, and its also unfortunate that some people can make it so far in life, missing so much, without anyone else getting them the help they deserve.
Though it has been hard at times, life is something i wouldn't want anyone to miss out on.
As stated in my other post, as it was edited : Though sometimes dark, light tends to shine even through the darkness. Even at night the moon light shines down.
I'm saying that myself, not quoted from anywhere. No matter what you are going through, things will always get better. There is nothing set, at any given moment things can change.
Though good and bad I'm sure if most people think about what they have experienced, the good far out weighs the bad.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
it seems my posts got jumbled due to re-editing and re-editing ^_^, it also seems that i post a bit to fast for my own good sometimes. Even the one you just replied to haha.
If anyone has read my posts up to this one, and now this one has changed. I highly suggest you re-read all of my posts, as they more then likely contain changes to give you a better understanding of what i was trying to say Or changing it to what i was actually trying to say, instead of saying something else on accident.
Well I think that drugs can be used... and if used properly, they can have a huge therapeutic value and can come in great help in the path oh getting to know oneself.
Afro says that drugs can help him, but he gave too little details. I'd like to know exactly what he feels when he takes them and how does he feel after. I think that's another important thing that relates to his feelings.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Definitely. They can help, i didn't mean that drugs used in that way couldn't help, if that is how it seemed.
I meant in me taking so many xanax and oxycontin, i would actually forgot what my problems were in the first place. Until i came down, then i would just do it all over again. So as long as i wasn't sober i was hiding all my problems for another day. Though if anyone reads this and it gets any ideas, it doesn't work, i promise. Maybe for the time being but one day they will no longer work, and everything will come tumbling down. All those things you were trying to suppress will hit you like a brick wall eventually. Better to deal with them now then later. In other words one or two at time instead of 100 things at once. IMO
But i didn't mean actually using the medication how it was prescribed, for the reasons it was prescribed for wouldn't work.
By all means medicine can and DOES help more often then not. Now that i use the medicine i am given for the reason it was actually prescribed, they do help quite a bit more then the times that they don't. If they don't fix the problem, usually trying something else, eventually works.
Also unless i knew i needed medication, i wouldn't seek it out as an 'end all' for my problems. The things i know i have to get medicine for like when i start having breathing problems (twice a year), and other things that aren't related to normal health issues, if its serious, and affecting my over all health and i cant fix it, then yeah i definatelly go to the doctors for help. But certainly do not think medicine is going to fix all your problems.
Errr. Not trying to make this thread about me, so anyways.
If anyone misunderstood what i was saying, i just wanted to clarify that. I need to start fixing my post's BEFORE i post them lol!
Also MushroomTrip understand a lot of things i say that may be in a response to you, are not directed at you, but at people that may end up reading my posts.
But i think you know what is and is not directed at you.
the military doesn't accept most people who come in with any issues, not just ones that were prescribed Ritalin. Thats why most people lie, you should see the questions they ask you on the thing when you sign up. Believe me you would lie to (not saying i lied!!!).
But i am in the military, and while in the military have been prescribed that, though it was quickly changed to adderal.
But generally the military doesnt accept anyone with any medical problems that might cause feature ones in the line of duty. IE. Mental health problems, Asthma.. etc. etc.
Stuff like that, so that is not the factor in why they won't accept them for that reason.
Im sure they could get a waiver to join, even if they had been previously precribed it.
As for me I don't see the relevance in Adderall, Ritalin or anything of the like being use in treatment. I just don't see how it helps, i think that the risks, or the negative things are far worse then the positive.
I don't approve it either. To be more exact, I don't approve any kind of similar "treatment" I was referring to psychedelic psychotherapy or MDMA psychotherapy. These things work.
-------------------- All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Yeah I only know a couple people who were prescribed Ritalin as youngsters and just because both of them had major adjustment problems later in life (even tho very intelligent) two doesn't a case make.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
-Skim this post fast if you wish, it doesn't hold much information related to the original post-
I have so far seen a lot of great posts in this thread and i am extremely impressed. It has been quite some time since I've had the chance to see and be involved in one single post that brings out this many great suggestions, and in general overall great advice and support, even more so considering how short a period of time it has been. Though most of you do not know me, probably because i frequent OTD and Other Drugs more often then not, i assure you that me saying this means a lot. I highly doubt you will find me saying anything like this very often, even if you look, you will be hard pressed to find any posts anything like what Ive posted in this thread. Even though its going on 6 years since i have signed up, I rarely have been given an opportunity to respond like i have so far.I doubt I would have even come up with some of the thoughts i did if it weren't for some of the other posts. So just know that it really means a lot to me, and that you guys getting me to say that its means a lot to me, is a feat in and of itself!
Whether you guys are helping me, or someone else, it is good to see so many people trying to help.
Just a general thanks
This includes the original poster for coming forward knowing that he may have a problem, and the fact that he is seeking help. Even though it may be easier to say something on the internet sometimes, I'm sure it still was not that easy for you to post this, taking in account some of the problems so far that you've mentioned.If im wrong, then i apologize. But if anything else that should show at least show you how strong you actually are. That is DEFINITELY something to think about.
Though im not saying you are, social quirks/flaws, being shielded by someone or how people have treated you so far is absolutely NOTHING for YOU to be ashamed of, maybe them but certainly not you. So, even though things could surely use improvement, you are not the one that put yourself in the position that you are in. So me saying the "problems" you have, is not the same thing me as saying someone has a drug problem. Because this is not your fault, not by a long shot, definately not anything you could even have realized was much of an issue at the time, or even prevented it, well at least i highly doubt that you could.
It took me a very very long time, to get to the point that you are at now, once you realize there is a problem, and that you need help, you are not far off from getting at least an incredible start on things. If not far off from getting things fixed, though obviously not over night. But believe me when i say, where you are at now is probably a whole lot farther then what you are actually thinking that it is. Getting help is easy when you know there may be a problem, on the other hand it is hard to fix something if you don't know that it is a problem. Like i said, just know that alone takes a lot of courage, it really does. .
So that we don't get on a topic of medicines and what does and does not work, i just wanted to clarify that of course no medicine is an end all solution, or does one always work for someone else as it did for you.
So even though I don't support Ritalin use as a use of 'fixing' things, I am not saying it doesn't work.
I don't want this thread to stray too far off topic, so like i said I'm really impressed, and want the posts to continue to be as relevant to the original posters questions, and the following ones as possible.
Though I'm sure if he has any questions about what medicines he should definitely stay away from, we could definitely compile a list! lol. But until then, please keep the great posts coming.
Not intended for any one person. I am even including myself as well.
But overall in general this thread has tons of great posts so far that could definitely help if you think about them, and try and incorporate them into how you perceive things. That along with professional help will do wonders. Seriously where you are at now, i don't see you being that far off from figuring out a solution to at least some of the issues that you mentioned.
I believe i read that you said you have a few friends that are supportive of you and don't understand why you don't have more friends. I'm sure these people will definitely be able to give you a helping hand, if you don't feel comfortable, like Ive said previously feel free to message me anytime. I know at least one other person in here said that they would help in anyway that they could, I'm sure everyone else would as well.
So no matter what, you have support, and like ToiletDuk said you are definitely NOT alone.
Were just doing our best here, but lets not forget that our best is a mix of what we want to do, firstly, with what we were given to do it with. I speak the truth i've discovered, and trully i would like to say that i know your intentions are good when you show thanks, but i am this, i am a helper because i am doing my best to help those who i feel like helping. This is the truth and you never need to appologize and say thanks for the truth, the only thing truth requires is acceptance. So instead i ask you accept this as what it trully is, an expression of who i am - in no way better but only different and unique, from other forms of expressions of truth, so beautifully discovered. ^.^ Love for all! J
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
Quote: JoseLibrado said: Were just doing our best here, but lets not forget that our best is a mix of what we want to do, firstly, with what we were given to do it with. I speak the truth i've discovered, and trully i would like to say that i know your intentions are good when you show thanks, but i am this, i am a helper because i am doing my best to help those who i feel like helping. This is the truth and you never need to appologize and say thanks for the truth, the only thing truth requires is acceptance. So instead i ask you accept this as what it trully is, an expression of who i am - in no way better but only different and unique, from other forms of expressions of truth, so beautifully discovered. ^.^ Love for all! J
Though i do agree with some of the things you said, not only was i trying to say thank you, whether you need to be thanked or not, by me saying so means more then you could ever imagine. If i did not feel so strongly i would not have made that post. But since i did, and i did feel so strongly, i felt it important to MYSELF to issue an all inclusive thank you.
Also in doing so, this being so important in ANY community, i wanted to make sure that anyone else who might read this thread in the future understand how important it is, to actually step up to the plate and try to offer as much insight as possible.
So i understand what you meant, and your good intentions, but i have several reasons for posting as such.
And i accept that you feel it nessecary to do so! All i am trying to convey in this message is that in i am no different at core with other beliefs, even such as those of terrorists. Both i and them are of the same mind, of the same purpose, to live truth to our highest capacity or our best, within the experience and from our experience. This is what is, even tho it is not what it seems. Good intentions are expressions of truth and it is our right to choose for ourselves which decisions are true and untrue, which to express ie/ as being a helper or a terrorist, yet, both of these seemingly different expressions have the same foundation and logic, which is from what i have discovered is our nature: thinkers and feelers that do our best to move towards the the truth we have discovered and express is. Accepting this is for me through my experience and from my best guesse, no different than accepting 1=1. Beautiful. Love for all! ^.^ JLM
-------------------- The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
One again I'd like to thank everyone for their continuous support. I honestly was not expecting such caring replies.
While I realize no man can ever be self-sufficient, I believe a lot of growth I have done has been in large part due to my own guidance.
One of the most eye-opening experiences I've had was on mushrooms. I truly believe psychedelics to be a great healer when used appropriately.
Today is going great so far and I intend on trying to keep a good mindset. I even started singing at work again (lol my coworkers love my voice actually). No mishaps because I didn't think about them.
On a further note after organic II (this class is hard. nevermind my post on I. thx to extra credit points i got a 96. whew), I plan on doing a mescaline self voyage.
This way I will have no other engagements after or during the trip :-). Once again thank you all for helping me see that I am not a misfit.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
<passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass
<passitbobbie> youd think it was female
"You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
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. Just know that no matter what problems you may have people in this community will always be there to help, no matter what the problem is. Feel free to message me anytime, i would be more then happy to help in any way that i can. Even if you just need someone to talk to. You sound like a great person, and i wouldn't mind in the slightest.
