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 Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 1,118
Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA 
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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 If you love something, set it free? 
#15873999 - 02/28/12 01:46 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We have so many things in common, and we see the world in very similar ways. We met in class, actually. She is amazing, in almost all aspects.
Now, my problem.
She and I get along great any time we are together. She makes me laugh, and I make her laugh, and our sex life is excellent. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. These things have all been said, and they are well known in this relationship.
OK, so that wasn't really a problem. Now, the real problem.
Sometimes her co-workers invite her to go out and do things, mostly hanging out at bars after work (she gets off around 1am most nights). The reason this bothers me is NOT that I think she's going to cheat on me or talk to other guys or some bullshit. The reason is that she INSISTS that I go with her "if that's what she wants". She says I should want to do these things with her simply because it means spending time with her. But I don't always want to go out. In fact, I barely ever want to go out to bars where people are drinking and what not. I used to be very social in my first few years of college, drinking all the time, and going out all the time (this was before I was dating my gf). She hates the fact that I don't want to go out to bars with her and her co-workers. I would rather just hang out at the house I pay $500/month to have, even if that means being by myself.
Tonight, she told me her friends "want to take her to a casino" and asked me what I thought about it. I told her that I didn't care if I went my whole life without setting foot inside a strip club or casino, and that if she wants to go she is more than welcome. She says she is OK with me not ever wanting to go to a strip club, but she just wants to know that I would go out and do ANYTHING with her, if she wished.
What does the Shroomery think of this? If I really love her, should I WANT to go out any time she wants to go hang out with friends? I mean, I feel obligated, but I don't feel obligated enough to actually go. Most times it's so late that I just want to go to bed, and she'll still go out and not get home til 5, even if she was just hanging out talking to a couple people. Other times, it's going places like the casino, which is 2 hours away.
Is my relationship broken?
Thank you for any opinions.
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Anonymous #1
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 Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#15874041 - 02/28/12 02:02 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jeebies said:
NOT that I think she's going to cheat on me or talk to other guys or some bullshit.
What is wrong with her talking to other guys?
Quote:
Jeebies said:
Tonight, she told me her friends "want to take her to a casino" and asked me what I thought about it. I told her that I didn't care if I went my whole life without setting foot inside a strip club or casino, and that if she wants to go she is more than welcome.
Damn man, why so hostile about your girl going to a casino? What’s wrong with "Na im good babe, have a good time."..? I think your problem might be stemming from your obvious attitude (maybe even hostility?) about her going out with her friends. Because of your reaction, maybe she feels like you don’t want her going, so she is trying to get you to come along.
Like you, I tend to be a hermit these days, im super busy with school and getting my “carrier stuff” figured out.. My girl goes out with her co-workers and friends all the time, and its noooo big deal. I would never say some shit like “I could go my whole life without stepping inside a casino” almost as to say her plans with her friends is beneath me… It just doesn't make any sense to respond like that if you are truly indifferent..
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tedthekid
Stranger
Registered: 11/13/11
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15874075 - 02/28/12 02:10 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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^^ Yeah I agree with that dude
Also, if I were you I'd make the effort to go out with her every once in a while. You know, keep her happy. She probably talks with her co-workers all the time about you and wants you to meet them. Be a good boy friend, suck it up, and go out and try to have fun every now and then.
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Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 1,118
Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: tedthekid]
#15874129 - 02/28/12 02:26 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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I do suck it up every now and then. I am totally cool with her going out by herself, except that she does not like that. She wants me with her every time. My polite decline is NOT sufficient, anymore.
I realize I need to just suck it up, but the frequency at which I am being required is becoming unbearable.
?
Do you see my point?
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Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 1,118
Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15874143 - 02/28/12 02:29 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Also, there's is NOTHING wrong with her talking to other guys. I am not insecure about her leaving me for some guy at the bar. I'm more concerned that her need to have me with her in social situations is going to destroy my relationship.
In fact, I don't even know what I expect you all to tell me. I guess I'm just looking for some opinions.
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 koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 20,261
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#15874491 - 02/28/12 04:12 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jeebies said:
Is my relationship broken?
If the both of you make a big deal out of this: yes. If each of you just does his/her own stuff and you still enjoy the time you do spend together, then no. Of course, scenario 2 won't last very long in most cases, but maybe you're the exception.
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Enjoywho
Substance Enthusiast
Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 6,076
Last seen: 12 days, 11 hours
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: koraks]
#15876845 - 02/28/12 06:16 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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You sound pretty boring op. Maybe she doesnt want to just sit around at your house with just you all the time?
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"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
"In the days of kings and queens I was a jester."
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qman
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Enjoywho]
#15877059 - 02/28/12 06:56 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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You guys seem to have very different goals at this point, she wants to go out and party with friends, and have different experiences.
You seem to want to focus on school and your future, and don't want to waste time drinking at 1.00am in the morning at some bar.
The question is, why does she not come to see you after work if she really wants to spend more time with you? Her priority is her friends at this point, and that could be a relationship breaker.
Why would you want to hang with her and her girlfriends, makes no sense, I would tell her do what you want to do, but stop asking me to party with your friends.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: qman]
#15877093 - 02/28/12 07:03 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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There’s got to be more to this story. This dude is basically claiming that she needs him as a crutch to be social with HER co-workers… Why would she need her anti-social shut-in bf to help her be social with the people she works with every day? It just doesn’t make sense to me; I think if OP’s gf could give her side of the story it would be different.
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Lynnch
Strangerer
Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 4,237
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: qman]
#15877182 - 02/28/12 07:20 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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I don't think any of this is a relationship breaker.
You don't have to spend every waking moment with each other, it is perfectly fine to have separate interests- in fact that keeps things fresh, gives you stories to share.
But it seems like there's an imbalance here. She wants to know you'll do anything with/for her, you want to be able to say no. Both sides are valid. Your girlfriend just wants to spend time with you. You don't want to do what she wants to do, so figure out what you do want to do with her.
'Sure babe I'll chill at the casino with you, but remember thursday is movie and head night'
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Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 1,118
Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Lynnch]
#15877338 - 02/28/12 07:53 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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There's a lot to the story.
It's impossible for me to properly explain the scenario without telling the story from the beginning, and who wants that? I'm just trying to get the relevant facts out there to see what you folks think. Maybe I embellished certain details, whatever.
Her story has to do with me screwing up a couple of times last summer when we had just started dating. I missed a karaoke competition that she won, and she's never fully forgiven me. In hindsight it was a big deal for her, all of her work friends were there, and their first impression of me was that I wasn't there to support her. I'll admit, I should've gone, but I did not realize at the time what a big deal it was going to be. Ever since then, I don't feel like going out with her and her co workers because I don't want to and I don't have anything to prove to them. Besides, many of her coworkers think she and another guy that works in the restaurant should be together even though she is 100% into me. (Side story, the guy from work also professed his love for her outside her house one night while we were dating. I was not present for this, but I was told about its occurrence.
And you guys are right, she does want to have those experiences. Problem is, I already had a lot of my college experiences, and I'm trying to finish college and figure out how to start my business. I have little interest in being social, when I'm more interested in finding a steady source of income and nutrition. I'll have time to play again later in life. At this point though, I've filled my party quota, and I go out with her just to keep her happy. (Which isn't ever going to be enough because she wants me to go out with her every time she goes out.)
She realizes, though, that besides this small issue, we really have a fantastic relationship. This only pops up every now and again, but when it does it always ends up with someone upset.
I want to make this relationship work, because the good is definitely much more prominent than the bad. I guess I'll just have to give it time.
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1minutehasgoneby
Stranger
Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 65
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#15879061 - 02/29/12 01:34 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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balance it out man. She wants to share some of these experiences with you and just have a good time with her bf. Go out with her at least sometimes done deal.
My x girl she always wanted me to do shit with her but I was super anti social so I gave her all the freedom in the world to do what she wanted. Perhaps too much freedom cuz I'd always let her go to this dudes house with her gfs and get drunk with his friends LOL. I mean shit, I don't like drinking and her friends are wannabe dorks. Oh eventually she left me for him.
Moral of the story... don't give em too much freedom.
Edited by 1minutehasgoneby (02/29/12 04:48 PM)
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BU4O
Weed on ^^
Registered: 11/18/11
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Loc: Bulgaria 
Last seen: 10 hours, 15 minutes
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go on nothing to loose
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A friend with weed is a friend indeed, stoners live and stoners die so if in life you don't succeed, fuck that shit and smoke some weed.
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KandiKitty
Unicorn Whisperer
Registered: 01/28/12
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: BU4O]
#15882939 - 02/29/12 10:23 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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It's good that you're not being a controlling boyfriend & restricting her from enjoying herself with her friends. But maybe she wants you there for support and reassurance. I know I enjoy going out to bars more when I'm with my boyfriend than when I'm not. Being with him gives me more freedom cause I feel more comfortable in that sort of setting. Guys tend to leave me alone & I get to enjoy myself more because I know he's there to keep an eye out & take care of me.
I mean how often does she want to go out? Is it once in awhile? Once a week? 3 or 4 nights a week? I'm sure there's a compromise you can reach with her if neither side is going overboard with it. I know girls can be annoying, and dealing with her coworkers can be even more annoying, but sometimes it shit you have to suck up and deal with. Just like in-laws. If you love the person with your whole heart, you're going to realize petty shit like this isn't worth compromising an otherwise healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship over.
And if you guys are great in every other aspect like you say you are, then you should have no problem sitting down and honestly & openly talking to your lady and seeing where you guys can compromise so each party feels like its not being gypped.
LOL at a girl whose into karaoke competitions though 
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I'm a diamond that is tired
Of all the faces I've acquired.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: KandiKitty]
#15884641 - 03/01/12 08:21 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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I think her friends probably talk crap about u, and she wants u to do things with them to show that u r a good guy. I know it sounds stupid but thats what happened in mine
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Uzziel
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#15886112 - 03/01/12 04:27 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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My ex was just like you. She never wanted to go out and do shit. Its really lame cuz I like to go out and dance, drink, roll, and trip go to raves and what not and all she wanted to do was stay at home and either drink, smoke, or watch movies. Boooring...
Fucking lame. You have youth... use it, you can stay home when yer an old fart.. So she wants you around when she is having fun
And you want to "let her go and see if she comes back?"
You're not seeing the big picture here. She wants to be with you.
Oh well. Maybe you should dump her so somebody like me goes and takes her... maybe he can take her out and have fun like she wants and deserves 
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Anonymous #1
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#15887271 - 03/01/12 09:00 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I think her friends probably talk crap about u, and she wants u to do things with them to show that u r a good guy. I know it sounds stupid but thats what happened in mine
This makes sense, her friends want her to fuck that dude at work. And since your a shut in they dont know you and probably dont like you very much becouse they probably only hear bad things about you. Chicks tend to do nothing but bitch about there bofriends at work.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15887971 - 03/01/12 11:21 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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I too agree. Friends usually have a way of wrecking relationships, on both sides, in my experiences.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #3]
#15889278 - 03/02/12 09:10 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Or She could have also told them some things about you that arnt true, trying to make you sound like a perfect boyfriend
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Anonymous #4
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #3]
#15891251 - 03/02/12 06:18 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I too agree. Friends usually have a way of wrecking relationships, on both sides, in my experiences.
Yes, this times 876557756.
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Anahata
With age comes wisdom
Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 225
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #4]
#15898355 - 03/04/12 11:29 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Your story sounds (((((((EXACTLY)))))))like the one i was in just up to a couple weeks ago. I want you to know. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201111/what-is-love
Turns out the perfect relationship i thought i was in was only because she was acting the perfect part. She was a player and knew how she wanted to play. Sounds like you are about to find out something you dont want to believe.
Just be around after its over to see the sun rise again. Life is quirky and you should see it through the end.
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Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
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Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anahata]
#15904460 - 03/05/12 06:08 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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So say we decided it was in both of our best interests to go our separate ways... How do we go about enacting that plan?
She basically lives with me, though she has her own place. She hasn't slept there in months, and it tears me apart having to basically force a break up on two people who don't want it. We realize, though, that the mature thing to do is take some time. I just don't know how to handle the break up ( I don't even want to call it that).
If she and I were at different points in our lives, then this relationship would no doubt be perfect. We just want different things out of the next couple years.
I told her it would not be the end, just TTFN. ta ta for now.
I don't know how to proceed.
There were lots of tears today.
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Anahata
With age comes wisdom
Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 225
Last seen: 12 days, 8 hours
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#15904734 - 03/05/12 07:06 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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When my ex and i decided it would be best for our relationship to live apart for awhile because basically we knew what the other was going to do in the next 5 mins, and it was driving us apart, and neither one of us wanted to break up, especially not me. We both clung to each other when we went to sleep every night and woke up together still touching. When we decided to sleep in separate houses we were both torn and in tears, but knew it was for the best in the long run for our relationship. But then then i discovered she had been fucking another dude, pretty much in love with him, and talking/flirting with past boyfriends while still reelin in more new guys. She was a master player. Now that ive had time to understand the situation, she wanted to move out to be with another guy, and have me on the side as a safety net. Sometimes the truth is hard to except. Not that this is always the case, but you sound just like we were. So watch out.
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Anahata
With age comes wisdom
Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 225
Last seen: 12 days, 8 hours
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anahata]
#15904811 - 03/05/12 07:22 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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I think you should realize what i realized, if you both are truly committed and in love with each other than you would have worked it out way before the idea of moving apart. I know it sounds like a mature and safe move but really you are just widening the gap. Either shes not into you as much as you think she is or vice versa. But from the details in your situation, i bet she's moved on to a guy that cant be without her, and doesn't say the phrase ta ta for now.
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Jeebies
Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 1,118
Loc: Transgenic corn&beans, USA
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anahata]
#15905444 - 03/05/12 09:16 PM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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It's hard for me to get the complexities of the situation in words. She's definitely not seeing another dude, there's no time for that. The real problem is that I think she became dependent on me. Like, comfortable. I know the break up will be harder on her than me, which is what will hurt me the most. She probably wont sleep, or eat.
I know you said if we're contemplating going our separate ways we're probably not as committed as we thought. I think what we have is as real as love gets, but the problem is that she has dreams and ambitions that are not the same as mine. I think we need time to realize our individual potential before we can make the kind of lifelong commitments we were talking about.
I don't know, I'm just confused. Call me a crybaby, but I've been on the brink of tears all day. Even now while I'm at work...
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Anonymous #5
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 Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Jeebies]
#16919619 - 09/27/12 11:37 AM (7 months, 21 days ago) |
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How did this work out for you?
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PDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anonymous #5]
#16921995 - 09/27/12 07:01 PM (7 months, 21 days ago) |
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I feel the same way as you OP, but in my relationship there's an understanding that if i don't want to go out (which is pretty much all the time,) she's free to go out and have a good time.
I certainly know that i do not want to hang out with her friends for the most part. Luckily she's a homebody mostly too.
There is absolutely no way i would be going out doing trivial things after midnight under almost any circumstances (but we likely have different lifestyles.)
If you don't want to go out - i see no reason why you should.
There is the compromise factor, which is a nice gesture, If you want to please here, keep her happy, etc you might want to bend to her ways... I would prefer to be with someone who is antisocial like myself.
I am antisocial and boring in alot of ways. I have no desire to be around people for the most part, (at least not in groups.) There's nothing wrong with this, it's just the way it is. I don't think its right to force someone or guilt them into a situation or lifestyle they don't want to be in.
That's my opinion.
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GO OUTSIDE.
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Blackbird33
Stranger
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Re: If you love something, set it free? [Re: Anahata]
#16922119 - 09/27/12 07:18 PM (7 months, 21 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anahata said:
When my ex and i decided it would be best for our relationship to live apart for awhile because basically we knew what the other was going to do in the next 5 mins, and it was driving us apart, and neither one of us wanted to break up, especially not me. We both clung to each other when we went to sleep every night and woke up together still touching. When we decided to sleep in separate houses we were both torn and in tears, but knew it was for the best in the long run for our relationship. But then then i discovered she had been fucking another dude, pretty much in love with him, and talking/flirting with past boyfriends while still reelin in more new guys. She was a master player. Now that ive had time to understand the situation, she wanted to move out to be with another guy, and have me on the side as a safety net. Sometimes the truth is hard to except. Not that this is always the case, but you sound just like we were. So watch out.
Damn where we dating the same girl?? Sometimes the most bitter pill is accepting the truth about someone you love.
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