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Anonymous #1
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 Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn 
#15541924 - 12/19/11 09:57 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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My boyfriend and I have been together 5+ years. Him looking at porn has been an ongoing but mostly neglected issued. Recently (past 2 years) it has become a HUGE problem to me. (More so for the reason that I was completely naive to how often/when/what he was looking at.) Once I truly realized what was going on I was crushed to pieces.
We are very open about our arguments/views/discussions or whatever. I've made it very clear it hurts me tremendously. I've tried to be more accepting of it.. but in my gut I still can't stand it. And I don't want to trample my own beliefs for the sake of his selfishness. Many times in the past he has said "he will stop". And sometimes he does.. for a few days or maybe a couple weeks tops. But it's never real. He tells me to check his computer, but he just hides it. To start working on this problem I asked that he at least tell me the truth when I ask him about it. He said he would, but I've come to find out many times he just lied. Years ago I used to rage at him. Now I do my best to be calm, use words that aren't hurtful, be clear with my thoughts, anything I can do to make it easier to discuss and work on. I feel like my efforts are being ignored as he shoves a "I promise I won't anymore" in my face.
We're having fights weekly, if not more than that. It even spills into our outer relationships (family, friends). He tries to use the fact that I don't like it against me, in hopes that the person he is talking to (sometimes with me present, sometimes not) will say something and I will magically change my opinion on it all.
I've tried doing weird/new things in the bedroom in hopes that instead of looking at porn he'll come to me. But it doesn't work. Where do I draw the line between doing things he likes that I wouldn't normally do, to then just feeling like I'm bribing him with sex?
I don't know what to do anymore, all his promises are empty and I feel like a fool. I'm sick of stalking his computer every day - plus he is getting better at hiding it. I don't want to police him. I don't even care if he masturbates! (I know a lot of women will disapprove of both.) The thought of him fantasizing about fucking other women (when I'm 1 room over), and our arguments have literally made me vomit. I can't and don't want our relationship to go on like this, but I can't stand it anymore. Wanting him to stop looking at porn is the ONLY thing I "ask" of him in our relationship. What should I/we do?
This is my first post here, but my boyfriend is a member of these forums and comes here frequently for advice/info of all sorts. So I am not just some random. I was hoping I could get some advice from here too because I'm so lost. Thanks.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #1]  2
#15541983 - 12/19/11 10:07 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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He is not going to change. EVER. You've already wasted 5 years with this guy, thinking he is going to change and he will not. Just like your opinion on porn will not change, neither will his. You two are incompatible. Please end this relationship and move on. Next time know for yourself what your dealbreakers are and stand firm by them. If a guy is into porn you know not to waste a single hot minute on him. There are 7 BILLION people on this planet, you are sure to find a guy who shares your values.
Step away from the relationship crack and just say no. You are in love with an illusion, with who you think he "could" be "if only he would..." and it's just never going to happen. The sooner you accept it, the better.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #2]
#15541996 - 12/19/11 10:08 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Go to http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
It will help you understand what you are doing and what to do about it much better.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn *DELETED* [Re: Anonymous #2] 1
#15541998 - 12/19/11 10:09 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Post deleted by AnonymousReason for deletion: LE
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #3]
#15542058 - 12/19/11 10:21 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
You don't suck his dick enough!!!! He watches porn to satisfy his sexual urges which you are obviously not doing... You should leave him because obviously you both have very different sexual activity and you will never be able to satisfy him
No offense.. but how do you know how often I do that for him? We are not 17 year olds, "sucking his dick" is not the problem here. I know for a fact that I do a damn well job at it, so please leave the insults aside. If you had some actual advice like the other posters I would greatly appreciate that instead. Thank you.
@#2 - I'm reading the website now. It's definitely not like anything I've come across so far in my search on "what to do", and it seems like good info all around. Thank you for sharing it.
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 xpl0de
ḆṻЯŇ_őǖŦ
Registered: 07/15/07
Posts: 1,883
Last seen: 6 hours, 7 minutes
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #3] 1
#15542073 - 12/19/11 10:25 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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OP u need to stop being insecure and let him do his thing. GUYS WATCH PORN. Its normal woman! He isnt being selfish, he just has a penis.
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Uzziel
Stranger
Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 4,540
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: xpl0de] 4
#15542110 - 12/19/11 10:32 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Get over it... guys like porn. It doesn't mean anything. We get horny... we just wanna fap and be done with it. Sex isn't everything, we have a drive, you know.
PS. GET OVER IT, or your relationship will just be ruined for no reason.
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CarnivalBarker
wizard
Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 2,668
Last seen: 6 months, 14 days
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: xpl0de] 3
#15542116 - 12/19/11 10:33 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I'll say that a dude watching porn is completely normal. I watch porn and masturbate when my girl isn't available, and I know she won't be for the next few hours, or when she's on her period etc.
But the dude beating off to porn one room over when she's around is fucked. If I'm horny and my girl is around, I am going to fuck her, not sneak off and watch porn.
I think that he is either addicted to porn or bored with fucking you.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: xpl0de]
#15542145 - 12/19/11 10:39 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
xpl0de said:
OP u need to stop being insecure and let him do his thing. GUYS WATCH PORN. Its normal woman! He isnt being selfish, he just has a penis.
This is what I've heard quite a lot, and I battle with it. IE; Me trying to be more accepting (on many occasions) but I just couldn't. So if he knows it bothers me THAT MUCH, it's causing serious problems in our relationships and lives.. and he still throws lies in my face and doesn't care a thing that he's hurting me (and lying) so much? Then what does that mean?
I guess it's very hard for me to understand he will probably in the end pick porn over our relationship. I could never do that to someone in any sort of similar situation. But I suppose it's not fair of me to assume that he would pick his wife over internet videos. We are married, and have been together much more than 5 years - I just didn't want to put so much info in the post that he might recognize it. But maybe the post needs it for people to get a better understanding?
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CarnivalBarker
wizard
Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 2,668
Last seen: 6 months, 14 days
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#15542155 - 12/19/11 10:40 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Oh, I didn't know you were married.
I hear married people quit having sex after the first month.
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Jwlst
Stranger
Registered: 02/24/05
Posts: 1,338
Last seen: 8 months, 3 days
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: CarnivalBarker] 5
#15542185 - 12/19/11 10:45 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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The only mistake your husband made was marrying you. What an idiot. I bet once you stop him looking at porn you will moral crusade him to change something else. You married him, he enjoys porn. That is part of him why do you not understand that?
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Anonymous #1
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Quote:
CarnivalBarker said:
Oh, I didn't know you were married.
I hear married people quit having sex after the first month.
But we do have sex! Even if we're dead tired and its like 3 AM we still do it. There's definitely not a lack of sex going on.. otherwise I would understand why he does it. And we're always together, so it's not like he has to go hours or days without me.
Let's say he is addicted.. what do we do then? How can I tell if he's just "saying" he's addicted as a weak excuse? Or if he seriously has a problem and needs more than my or his own help?
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 Anarleaf
Teotihualto
Registered: 01/19/07
Posts: 154
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#15542200 - 12/19/11 10:47 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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You would be more dissatisfied if he strictly relied on you for all his biological needs. ALL MALES need a release, and sometimes it has nothing to do with love. It's more about unleashing your loads so we don't engage in daily acts of murder.
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xMADSCIENTISTx
madman
Registered: 10/12/10
Posts: 69
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: xpl0de] 2
#15542202 - 12/19/11 10:47 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Coming from a male perspective here i have a girlfriend and still look at porn. guys are programed to look at as much ass as possible its in our nature guys don't usually calm down until well into there 30s when the testosterone levels drop.why do you think its about you. To a guy that's entertainment a stimulating activity I feel totally different when I watch porn, than when I am intimate. I think it would be very horrible if he watched it while he was intimate with you.you should never want to make someone be who there not or you wouldn't have liked them in the first place.
If your so insecure to think that he likes them more maybe you shouldn't be with him. if he has not cheated on you in 5 + plus years why bust his balls. If that's how a grown man chooses to spend his time he should. maybe you should embrace it and find something you both would enjoy. Its better than bottling all that testosterone it will be like a ticking time bomb. If it were me I would have broken it off with you by this point its called being with someone not against them.have you ever heard the word compromise life is not a one way street.
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Anonymous #1
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Quote:
xMADSCIENTISTx said:
Coming from a male perspective here i have a girlfriend and still look at porn. guys are programed to look at as much ass as possible its in our nature guys don't usually calm down until well into there 30s when the testosterone levels drop.why do you think its about you. To a guy that's entertainment a stimulating activity I feel totally different when I watch porn, than when I am intimate. I think it would be very horrible if he watched it while he was intimate with you.you should never want to make someone be who there not or you wouldn't have liked them in the first place.
If your so insecure to think that he likes them more maybe you shouldn't be with him. if he has not cheated on you in 5 + plus years why bust his balls. If that's how a grown man chooses to spend his time he should. maybe you should embrace it and find something you both would enjoy. Its better than bottling all that testosterone it will be like a ticking time bomb. If it were me I would have broken it off with you by this point its called being with someone not against them.have you ever heard the word compromise life is not a one way street.
In your opinion, what would be a compromise? I can't find anything that will work because everything is so black and white with him.
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The Influence
I make it do what it do
Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4,387
Loc: Not Wisconsin
Last seen: 11 months, 8 days
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15542273 - 12/19/11 10:59 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
xpl0de said:
OP u need to stop being insecure and let him do his thing. GUYS WATCH PORN. Its normal woman! He isnt being selfish, he just has a penis.
This is what I've heard quite a lot, and I battle with it. IE; Me trying to be more accepting (on many occasions) but I just couldn't. So if he knows it bothers me THAT MUCH, it's causing serious problems in our relationships and lives.. and he still throws lies in my face and doesn't care a thing that he's hurting me (and lying) so much? Then what does that mean?
I guess it's very hard for me to understand he will probably in the end pick porn over our relationship. I could never do that to someone in any sort of similar situation. But I suppose it's not fair of me to assume that he would pick his wife over internet videos. We are married, and have been together much more than 5 years - I just didn't want to put so much info in the post that he might recognize it. But maybe the post needs it for people to get a better understanding?
You kind of let this slide for five years remaining conveniently naive. You should have made it known long ago that it bothered you. He is lying to you about it, so he must obviously care what you think about it. Chances are people are right, he is not going to change. Why should he? He is who he is, accept him or move on.
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Bad: Waking up to find a penis has been drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced 
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Heffy
BrauMeister
Registered: 08/30/04
Posts: 2,754
Loc: International Traveller
Last seen: 11 hours, 51 minutes
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Anonymous #1] 6
#15542304 - 12/19/11 11:03 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
xpl0de said:
OP u need to stop being insecure and let him do his thing. GUYS WATCH PORN. Its normal woman! He isnt being selfish, he just has a penis.
This is what I've heard quite a lot, and I battle with it. IE; Me trying to be more accepting (on many occasions) but I just couldn't. So if he knows it bothers me THAT MUCH, it's causing serious problems in our relationships and lives.. and he still throws lies in my face and doesn't care a thing that he's hurting me (and lying) so much? Then what does that mean?
I guess it's very hard for me to understand he will probably in the end pick porn over our relationship. I could never do that to someone in any sort of similar situation. But I suppose it's not fair of me to assume that he would pick his wife over internet videos. We are married, and have been together much more than 5 years - I just didn't want to put so much info in the post that he might recognize it. But maybe the post needs it for people to get a better understanding?
The truth is you are the one who is hurting you. You are also the one who will be picking porn over the relationship if it comes to that.
I acted very much the same way regarding smoking with one of my former girlfriends. Our arguments regarding cigarettes were a big part of what ended our relationship.
It was only after the relationship was over that i realized I was the one with the cigarette problem, even though I don't smoke. My controlling attitude towards my girlfriends smoking was extremely unhealthy for me, and our relationship.
You might want to ask yourself why pornography bothers you so much and how important not having it in your life really is to you.
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I am the king of Rome, and above grammar! - Emperor Sigismund
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The Influence
I make it do what it do
Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4,387
Loc: Not Wisconsin
Last seen: 11 months, 8 days
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: Heffy]
#15542358 - 12/19/11 11:12 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Heffy said:
Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
xpl0de said:
OP u need to stop being insecure and let him do his thing. GUYS WATCH PORN. Its normal woman! He isnt being selfish, he just has a penis.
This is what I've heard quite a lot, and I battle with it. IE; Me trying to be more accepting (on many occasions) but I just couldn't. So if he knows it bothers me THAT MUCH, it's causing serious problems in our relationships and lives.. and he still throws lies in my face and doesn't care a thing that he's hurting me (and lying) so much? Then what does that mean?
I guess it's very hard for me to understand he will probably in the end pick porn over our relationship. I could never do that to someone in any sort of similar situation. But I suppose it's not fair of me to assume that he would pick his wife over internet videos. We are married, and have been together much more than 5 years - I just didn't want to put so much info in the post that he might recognize it. But maybe the post needs it for people to get a better understanding?
The truth is you are the one who is hurting you. You are also the one who will be picking porn over the relationship if it comes to that.
I acted very much the same way regarding smoking with one of my former girlfriends. Our arguments regarding cigarettes were a big part of what ended our relationship.
It was only after the relationship was over that i realized I was the one with the cigarette problem, even though I don't smoke. My controlling attitude towards my girlfriends smoking was extremely unhealthy for me, and our relationship.
You might want to ask yourself why pornography bothers you so much and how important not having it in your life really is to you.
Damn man, Dr. Phil would be impressed. For real though yours is the most sensible post yet.
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Bad: Waking up to find a penis has been drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced
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enthiangenic
Registered: 02/14/10
Posts: 470
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: xMADSCIENTISTx] 2
#15542379 - 12/19/11 11:15 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Men are programmed to have a higher sex drive biologically. This statement does not excuse his behavior.
I repeat, it does NOT excuse his behavior.
You will not get a good perspective from this website because it is populated mostly by young men with high sex drives that can't see life from your perspective. The shroomery is not a good place to get help on this subject.
I am a man and I understand how you feel. It becomes a violation of the trust you have developed in one another when he lies about something that you gave him an out to admit. This break of trust can slowly erode other more secure parts of your relationship.
You should engage him in an open and calm conversation. Don't get upset, stay calm every moment. Don't attack him. If he attacks you, remain calm and don't get defensive. Explain yourself in the most concise way possible. Maybe ahead of time write a letter explaining how you feel, read and rewrite as needed. Then, don't ambush him, but sit down together and discuss this. Don't let him push your feelings aside, that shows his respect for you. But don't push his feelings aside either.
Don't be controlling and invade the privacy you two have, that will only hurt things more also.
But don't accept that this is just how men act. This is how boys act. If he loves you he will find a way to make you happy. If he can't stop himself it will only push you two further apart.
And don't let the boys here belittle your opinions on this matter. They don't understand you because they haven't lived with what you are living with and even if they did they have the opinion that "boys will be boys."
This problem is not as simple as what most guys will think. They think this is a control issue but it is really a trust and respect issue.
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Heffy
BrauMeister
Registered: 08/30/04
Posts: 2,754
Loc: International Traveller
Last seen: 11 hours, 51 minutes
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Re: Boyfriend Won't Stop Looking At Porn [Re: The Influence]
#15542387 - 12/19/11 11:15 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Thx.
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I am the king of Rome, and above grammar! - Emperor Sigismund
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