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Anonymous #1
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 Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect.   1
#14578383 - 06/08/11 08:11 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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Ok. well this is going to be long so please get ready for a novel. a rather embarrassing for me which is why I am ANON.
Im having trouble getting over some horrible things that happened in the start of my love and sex life due to a extreme obsession with my 1st love.
The problem or story starts with me in junior high and meeting the most beautiful girl i have ever known. The girl i dreamed of making love to since i was hitting puberty. I mean i literally worshiped every aspect of her body her angel like blonde hair, the taste of her lips, her cute dimples, her sexy tight waist and her ass, her feet, the way she looked at me when we were together, the way she talked to me and all the love she had for everyone around me i cared about and basically every aspect of her existence. She was like a goddess to me and when i held her i thought that everything was going to be alright as long as she was my girl.
So, i was 15 at the time and i come from a a italian/irish family and was raised very conservative yet liberal and hardworking in lifestyle. By this I mean my parents were into coke and before i was born lsd, shrooms, pretty much everything going around in the 70s.
i actually found some coke on a mirror when i was 9 hidden under the bed and i had seen it somewhere on tv as drug u sniffed when i saw the straw. So lets say im a bit relaxed to try shit that is considered wrong.
But back to how this affected my relationship and life. Ok so we started to get serious and my girl lets call her "Mary" was coming to my house about every night. I was kinda fucked up at the time. it was 8th grade and i would ditch school about 3-4 days a week and get stoned or drunk or do meth sometimes. coke and sherm even if it was around. Then chill at buddies houses since i knew people that dropped out and it was chill to hang at. Then wait til' mary got out of school or whatever and we would chill at my pad and fool around almost every night of the week.
So i was a bad kid and i didnt think it mattered really. i was heading to high school and i figured who cares really and i was sort of a dick. I used to steal money from my parents about once a month skimming 5 here and 10 there. Mostly because i resented them for screaming at me every fucking day and beating the shit outta me and giving me black eyes if we had a argument. So i was addicted to weed i guess and my girl didnt approve of what i did. in fact she hated it because she worships her family and didnt enjoy smoking weed, only alcohol and cigs.
eventually i think her love became resent and lead to her not trusting me even though i never once yelled at or hurt her before or after we started to disagree. So after 6 months of being together and being i was 16 sex was becoming a issue. she would not let me make love to her or even pleasure her with cunnilingus. only would she let me have blowjobs. all my friends knew and they would call me whipped and talk shit too. it was driving me nuts. Also, I was getting sick of it because i told mary i loved her and would do anything to make it as comfortable as possible for her. she refused continuously until we fought and i said some horrible things and she did as well. we broke up after a year of talking almost every day.
Still i loved her though i would see a beautiful blonde i would think of her and be reminded and get depressed as fuck. One time I even saw a girl when i was heading to a party with friends. walking through the hood and said "Mary?" to her because i thought it was her. Yeah it was sad and funny.
So i hit high school and was a flirt and all girls though i was cute as hell and still do. But i was depressed and scared to begin seeing someone again. Also i couldnt go through what happened with this girl i worshiped forever once again. I figured fuck it im only fucking girls and ill destroy emotional attachment to girls i really like.
So Mary hit her freshman year and she was a year behind me and a year younger. And luck would have it i ran into during classes and such. I really wanted her back but i knew she would never look at me the same after all the shit we said and itd been a year since we talked. I just really wanted to never hear or see her again. So i flipped the fuck out and i would avoid seeing her whenever it was possible to do and i started dropping acid all the time and tweek for days and wanted to just destroy my mind because i figured if i cant remember things then thats the cure for my obsession. It worked i stopped thinking about her. Until i heard she was dating someone else seriously, then i dropped out, i figured if she never cared then no girl possibly could. Also, so i didnt halfto be around all the happier kids at school. I had my brotherhood of friends anyways and it wasnt school that brought them to me it was me.
So i decided one day i would do as much acid and trip as hard as possible, bad fucking idea. I took about 15-25 hits of L and I went literally catatonic for the whole trip scared shitless, I thought all the people (my good friends) around me where demons and i thought i died and i entered hell for my behavior and failure with my loved ones and life. One of my friends was baking a sausage i think and i swore human flesh was being cooked and they were getting ready to eat my corpse and i was only a lifeless spirit.(to this day the smell makes me sick and freaks me out) When i came down the fear never went away. i became really paranoid about friends jacking my drugs and basically that they were mostly in fact my enemies and i became so unconfident with women i would get all sweaty shake in nervousness when ide rarely go out and talk to women.
I started working then when i was 17 just sat inside 24/7 and smoked weed and stared at the tv or playstation. when i was not working of course. i became a hermit and very reclusive.
So fast forward ten years to 09'. I am living at home still because i cant afford to support myself. My job i do is no longer in demand due to the recession. I am very poor and i know i cant break my lonely hell of everyday life. I am trying to break the phobias i have but i still have major issues with fear of rejection and that wont be able to please a woman i love to the degree i can be content with. (ive only had sex 7 times in my life even though almost all women find me very attractive) Ive even gone to the point where i convince myself im bisexual or gay and thats why i cant start a relationship. Which further makes me ashamed and feel less of a man inside.
Then my best buddy tells me that he saw my ex "mary" at one of his gigs he plays at and she asked how i was(he tells me that he said good) and he got her number because his long term girlfriend was into hanging with her sometime. Im suspicious something else of more detail was mentioned. I ask if hell tell her to call me or give me her number because it'd be cool to chat with her. My bud says no way. Im literally baffled.
Anyways, i was drunk one night and left a message on my best friends phone, that i consider my brother, because he was dodging me. Then i joked and said "WTF man dont call me back? You act like i fucked your chick." Somehow it was mis-construed as i said i wanted to fuck his woman. It was a joke also because he left his chick with me at a party and i fucked her when we were about 17 and told him so a few years later just so he would know it was a accident and unintentional betrayal and bothered the shit outta me. Also the fucker left to go hang out with another girl after we were all buzzed and chilling. Yeah its bad though, i lost my virginity at 17 to my buddies girl who actually had a big crush on me and i knew it before hand but said nothing . I actually think the fucker set me up after all that happened now. So the next day the fucker storms up to my pad saying all this shit that i need to get a grip and everything. Then somehow i mentioned the fact i was pissed about the hole mary ordeal. it was pissing me the fuck off that he was holding that shit over my head and wouldnt let me speak to her.
So he proceeds tells me that i know nothing about who mary was and that one night when they were hanging out with a bunch of people at his pad just drinking a few beers something happened. He said she disappeared for about 15 minutes and everyone thought she went outside but she snuck into his room and got naked and got in his bed. He said nothing happened after he discovered her and he told her to get dressed although im afraid that maybe that was a lie. Now this doesnt sound anything like the mary i knew and was baffled but i didnt think my bro would be lying about something like that, although i was suspicious he was trying to manipulate me because of the past mistakes.
I even told him after all these years i would occasionally dream about her since we broke up. Really all i think about and hope is having a woman to love and talk to and make a life with which he knows as well.
This shit even gets worse if u can believe it. One night im on myspace and mary messages me out of the blue about 4 months after this news my buddy hit me with. We arrange to go out to catch up and everything and get a few drinks. Im like yeah finally ill be able to right my wrong and maybe i can be friends again with her and maybe we could get back together if things went good. We go out and the we hit it off great, one of the longest and intimate conversations i ever had with a woman i cared about. Wee talked for a solid 6 hours. I even mention to her about my bro seeing her, but not the shit he told me because i figure its not right to. She says shes pissed at him because him and his girlfriend were supposed to get together and have dinner or lunch but he dodged her.
I start to believe her because it makes sense. thats typical behavior of my so called bro. dudes a flake towards most people. Well eventually she asks me if i want to go back to her place. which is two towns away. My heart drops into my balls for a minute. Almost like it was a dream that i had since the last time i was close to her. We get back to her place and shes showing me around her pad and i say something jokingly and we start to make out. i hold her and grab her by the ass in fit of lust. She freaks out and says we need to chill and that she doesnt wanna fuck. Im literally speechless because i can see she has a tear in her eye even though she went outside where its darker so i wouldnt see. So i tell her we dont ever have to do anything that she doesnt wanna do. we basically talk til dawn and windup passing out in bed. the next day after we wake up, i think that maybe we still have a chance after a perfect night like that. we even fucking dance for a while in her living room.
She casually walks into the room lays across the bed at my feet and begins to explain she is seeing someone and she doesnt wanna date me at the same time. I tell her i dont care that I am willing to date her at the same time. I swear it was like the devil or some demonic thing took her over and she decided to walk in and rip my fucking heart out. It must of been truly comical to see the energy i was giving off go from absolute bliss to complete fucking hopelessness in about 5 seconds.
No the mind fuck continues. She tells me she wants to be friends then pulls the old my boyfriend doesnt feel comfortable with us talking two weeks later after she tells me we could still talk and what we did that night was no big deal. that basically it means jack shit to her.
So im fucking wrecked again by this woman but still there will be more mind fuckery.
About 5 months later Im hanging out one night toking up at my best buds pad who is on house arrest now. I mention that i forgive him for all the shit he told me about mary was ok because i deserved it. He says well it wasnt a lie. Im like what??? He then proceeds to tell me all the fucked up shit about mary and that she fucked about 3 people that i know and hes friends with and one of them is in his band!!!! I fucking proceed to lose my mind. i fucking know the bastard introduced her to a few of his friends and has manipulated me. i immediately wanna destroy myself and have been tormented for about 15 months. I went back to being seriously reclusive, angry constantly, depressed. I never leave the house now hardly because i totaled my car in a dui. I have no fucking money, no one will hire me because im a complete wreck and im contemplating just hanging myself about 10 times a day. Although i do haave days when i act normal which is probably 3 outta 7 days a week.
So my question is would you end your life too and how or what would you do if you were in my position to fix it besides ending it? (if anyone could fuckup on this grand of level)
bear in mind i have no money for psychiatric help or even a doctor and am just struggling to pay my fines to stay outta jail.
thanks for reading. anyone who does. im one fucked up person. i know. but whatever i dont care about myself and i pretty much never did. i really feel so alone in the world these days. i lost about everything when it comes to my hopes and dreams and family and friends.
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 shLong
 
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc: 
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14578605 - 06/08/11 09:51 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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WHere do you live, bro?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: shLong]
#14578726 - 06/08/11 10:48 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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i was gonna crash. that took me 2 and a half hours to recall all that stuff. and i started at 2:30 in the morning.
socal though, to answer your question.
also ide like to mention ive thought probably, no thats wrong. ive promised myself to call and explain all this to my ex to confirm if its all true about thousand times over the last 14 months. i just dont have the guts to do it.
its just too fucking much. im actually a little afraid of what will happen if its all lies. but i kinda doubt it is. even though my best friend could actually always hated me all these years and was trying to destroy me. in the end nothing really matters though. if anything ive learned from being alone 13 years, its that.
Edited by Anonymous (06/08/11 10:50 AM)
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14578759 - 06/08/11 10:59 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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I was gonna smoke a bowl with ya, but you're 1700 miles away, so, no, lol.....
Doesn't anyone have advice for dude?
I'd just try to go bang some poon and see if that makes you feel any better....or just be real with everyone 
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: shLong]
#14578825 - 06/08/11 11:22 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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im trying. i still have good days. its weird though its almost like i have brief moments where im back to normal and can approach women confidently.
then ill get all emo and trip and not leave my pad at all or be all afraid to call girls up i get numbers from. because i know theyll think im a complete loser burnout too. its wacky.
thanks for the offer to smoke i got buds though. remember im a weed addict.  i know that is one messed up freak's tale of a story. in fact this is the first time ive told it. there is a lot worse details i left out too. appreciate the concern. kinda wish i didnt anon it now. oh well.
EDIT: well i will then, i say alotta crazy things anyways on here. i just guess its the first step to admitting i lost my shit for awhile. and still do occasionally. haha.
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Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
Edited by DarkMatterOfFact (06/08/11 11:35 AM)
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14578839 - 06/08/11 11:27 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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You can edit that, or repost and not click the anon...REVEAL YOURSELF!
:-)
Bitches, man, they can sure fuck with your head, eh? It's kinda funny that most of my life's problems revolve around woman...wtf!
Feel free to dick smack your buddy too though 
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: shLong]
#14578901 - 06/08/11 11:42 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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wow, don't know what to say about your story. I feel for you, obviously this is something weighing you down.
I don't know if you used the word "obsession" to describe all this, but i think that would be a choice word. I think after your most recent experience, its time to throw in the towel and accept the universe doesn't work the way you want it to, and life is not a storybook for most people. There are other things to pay attention to.
Another key word would be: distraction. Although most of this story is about the girl, it seems like your real troubles aren't romantic, they're economic.
Times are tough for many people, thank god we live in a first world country where economic difficulties don't result in starving to death.
Really; when you're feeling like you should die, take some time to be thankful you're getting to experience a relatively pleasant existence.
Uhm but yeah, people need space and means so they can create their own little happy castles. I think a stronger material base would make you happier. I dunno just reading your story i think probably thats what you're really worried about and the loneliness is a sort of distraction.
I'm in the same boat man. A month ago or so i was on top of the world, then got ripped off for all my money. Now i'm going to working part time in shitty food service. Its horrific to me, and i'm broke on top of it. I have no real skills, and almost no work history. I've been depressed as fuck. I'm gonna trudge on though, even though i've been having serious thoughts of just laying in a ditch till i die.
So yeah, life gets better, peaks and troughs and all that shit. Wu-tang says hard work will help you maintain to overcome the heartaches and pain. Seems true enough.
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: shLong]
#14578905 - 06/08/11 11:44 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
shLong said:
You can edit that, or repost and not click the anon...REVEAL YOURSELF!
:-)
Bitches, man, they can sure fuck with your head, eh? It's kinda funny that most of my life's problems revolve around woman...wtf!
Feel free to dick smack your buddy too though
i dont know what to do about. trust me ive mulled it over a thousand times on what needs to be done.
every possible way makes me look bad because i dont have a right to judge her lies or not.
and my buddy is not wrong because i was a complete asshole when i fucked his girl knowing she did the same shit to another of his friends months earlier.
either fate has truly fucked me or my bud is a god damn genius at twisting peoples minds. interesting his girl got him arrested for kidnapping after a 3 year relationship and one other friend thought he was trying to kill him and went schizo. and another even shot himself last year. dude could be fucked way up actually and idk. like horror movie type stuff.
shit is complicated yo.
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Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14578934 - 06/08/11 11:54 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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Fuck....sounds like it. You need to move on. Easier said than done though. It's such a long, drawn out story that it's hard to give any good, concrete advice to.
I would get out more, get a job or a hobby, new friends, etc and focus on myself before anyone else...But again, that's easier said than done
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14578994 - 06/08/11 12:09 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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thats what ive known forever about the girl. move on. but she was just too perfect. she fuckin idolized me and i dont get why she denied me so many times.
the chick was willing to make love to someone else a year later in another relationship after we broke up. and then after he fucked her he broke her heart and cheated on her. wtf? it drove me nuts.
plus she looked me up on myspace only to deny me once again.
its fucking insanity. and i wouldnt even be here in a fucked position if it wasnt for meeting her. it trips me the fuck out
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Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14579003 - 06/08/11 12:12 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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k im done talkin bout this for now. too dam sad and negative.
i been up 30 hours, yeah i got insomnia too. 
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Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14579031 - 06/08/11 12:19 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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benzos?
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14579056 - 06/08/11 12:28 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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nah only drugs i take are a bowl of buds a day and i drink on the weekends.
i wish i had insurance ide be poppin some sorta pill.
seems almost like the gov't has it setup for the extremely poor to become even more sick in the head or whatever. i havent had health insurance since i was 12 years old. im 28 now and its just too costly.
i think i need to pick up a trade for sure though. im a mediocre carpenter and framer.
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Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14579069 - 06/08/11 12:31 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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Well, you are at The Shroomery...
Carpentry is dope though, go for it!
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DarkMatterOfFact
ZealtheDealforthePill
Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 1,558
Loc: South Cali
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: shLong]
#14579115 - 06/08/11 12:45 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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its what ive done on and off for 11 years. i would continue but the industry is dead.
i need a new trade either based off of woodworking or
something entirely new like solar cell technology manufacturing.
whatever though i just hope i dont got nuts and go way off the deep end.
obviously i got the tendency, just good thing im not violent.
--------------------
Nixon was a asshole. Just look at his biggest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the DEA.
Which secretly stands for Demonizing Everyone by Allegations.
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,300
Loc:
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: DarkMatterOfFact]
#14579130 - 06/08/11 12:47 PM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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Im woodworking right now, as I type...on a CNC
Just worry about yourself 1st, bro
Maybe talk in person with someone you trust? It'd probably help get some burden off your mind
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 JesusGoneRogue
Have a little face.
Registered: 10/24/10
Posts: 7,616
Loc: my happy place
Last seen: 23 days, 2 hours
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14582724 - 06/09/11 01:33 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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dude you pretty much let one girl fuck your entire life up.
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tripp23
Kratom Freak
Registered: 05/22/08
Posts: 3,125
Loc: Florida, US
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: JesusGoneRogue]
#14582864 - 06/09/11 02:05 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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quite a story.
what you need to do though.. you NEED to get out. fate will find you once you get out. have house parties, go to house parties. the games easy if you play ur cards right. thats what i was doing for awhile. just hooking up with random chicks.. dating random girls until the one i wanted suddenly came back to me outta nowhere which im lucky as hell for.
but honestly. get out of your house. go to bars, house parties.. or even like some sports place to make new friends like a basketball court/public hockey rink. thats how i met alotta new friends.
sounds like a touchy situation though because youve been hooked on a girl for way to long while having little to no communication which, from my experience is sort of strange. everytime id fall for a girl, it would go like.. we met, we fell deep in love, we drifted apart to the point of no communication.. and then the withdrawls would take over my whole world until it would wear off.
but even the withdrawls take years to get rid of. you need to meet new girls and friends. thats key, and you have to keep yourself busy. dont obsessively think about her. it will kill you. in a worse case scenario.. save a few $.. and get to a doctor for some advice.
good luck brotha, weve all been thru it and probably will be again at some point in time so your definately not alone. keep on truckin'!
--------------------
 
"take thy medicine you filthy swine and you'll see that the world is in fact divine!"
Where does the world go when we close our eyes?
Experience my nightmarish first time of smoking Ganja!
 SAVE KRATOM FROM DAMNATION!
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: tripp23]
#14583004 - 06/09/11 02:48 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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I don't know how to nicely give you the advice you really need to hear here, so I'm just going to be an asshole about it.
You seriously need to grow up. You were fucking 15 years old, man. You weren't in love with her. You weren't even old enough to know what love was. And your actions now? And your fixations on her? That's not the actions of someone who's in love. That's the actions of someone who is OBSESSED.
And you need to get over this fairytale movie idea that she's your one true love or something. You misguidedly have her on a pedestal in your mind and have worked yourself into a frenzy with the idea that if you could just get her back then you could be happy again.
Which isn't even remotely true. You didn't even KNOW her, dude, based on how wrong you were about her sleeping around and with the fact that she doesn't give a shit about you.
If you didn't know it was "Mary" and someone just described this chick to you with all the horrible things you now know about her, would you leap to the assumption that this chick is the woman you're supposed to be with?
No, of course not, because that would be FUCKING RETARDED.
It's no less true just because it was a girl you got hung up on in junior high school.
Again, there's just no nice way to say this. You need to grow up, get over it and realize she's NOT good for you and there are lots and lots and LOTS of women out there who will be if you take the time to find them.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Serious thoughts about a touchy subject for me. Long read, close to a life story. Please respect. [Re: Anonymous #3]
#14583080 - 06/09/11 03:10 AM (1 year, 11 months ago) |
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By the way, just on the suicide thing...
I see corpses literally every day of my life at my job. Murders, suicides, car accidents, cancer victims, elderly people dying peacefully in their beds... I have seen it all, the gory and the ordinary.
And believe it or not, I'm very sympathetic to the suicidal mindset, because of what I've seen. I'm not going to give you some spiel about how it's cowardly, because it's not. It's a BIG FUCKING DEAL to actually take your own life, to completely and utterly end your own existence. There's nothing cowardly about it and nothing makes me sadder than when I see someone who was in so much pain that they were willing to take that road.
But most of the time it's a stupid, wasteful call, especially for someone in your situation.
Right this very moment, I've got middle-aged car accident victim one room away from me. He was just going about his life, no idea he was going to die, and BOOM, dead before he even realized it was happening.
He doesn't get to see his kids grow up or meet his future grandchildren. He doesn't get to sit around and shoot the shit with his buddies or his family. He doesn't get to eat good food or just relax and watch television or make love to his wife. He doesn't get to have good days or bad days or anything else ever again. He's fucking GONE. Forever. He doesn't get to see or think or FEEL anything ever again.
YOU DO. You get to be fucking alive. You get to get wake up tomorrow and keep existing, and I just bet you this guy would trade places with you and your "shitty life" to be alive again.
There is nothing so wrong with your life that you can't fix it and be happy. You're not some terminal illness patient who wakes up in pain every day. You have problems, sure, but they're problems that you CAN overcome and that certainly aren't going to last forever.
You need to appreciate the life you have and stop acting like it's irreparably broken and there's nothing to live for. It's not true. It's not even close to true.
You get to be fucking alive and you need to appreciate it.
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