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 geokills
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 In the Deep (an original poem) 
#8706697 - 07/31/08 10:34 AM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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In the Deep
Waking hours burnt each day,
Charred remains of a heart staid.
Sleep beckons with thoughts disquiet,
Stirs in restless malcontent,
Missing those to whom I lent
My soul complete and true.
Desire wrought with greed and selfish
Drowning darkness, forced distraction.
Each life laden suffered with joy;
Broken, reattached in longing ploy.
Time illusive, letting go never stopping.
Entropy and chaos forever dropping.
Like birds with torn feathers
Branches break beneath weather.
Fragile, forlorn, lost in the deep,
Leaving my soul for else to keep.
Once discarded, protected and guarded,
Dreaming of you each time I sleep.
Torment twisted, manifests in mind.
In desolate fields - solitary defined.
Sinew taut with vigor relenting,
Days and nights, thoughts ever bending.
To be comfortable, enduring
Like fire so alluring.
To be with you.
Alone
In the deep.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥  ╥π╬...
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 blissedout
Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder
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 Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8707886 - 07/31/08 02:48 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Entropy and chaos forever dropping...
Nice! You don't hear many people using entropy in their vocabulary. It's refreshing to hear it. I am a strong believer in entropy in nature and in myself.
Great poem, Geo.
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PhanTomCat
Teh Cat....
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 Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: blissedout]
#8709220 - 07/31/08 07:59 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Very nice, in a deep painful suffering torturous kind of way..... 
>^;;^<
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I'll be your midnight French Fry.... 
"The most important things in life that are often ignored, are the things that one cannot see...."
>^;;^<
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ToTheSummit
peregrinus
Registered: 08/22/99
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8709649 - 07/31/08 09:35 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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I like it. Kinda stirred sad emotions of longing and desire and a hint of despair. Just curious, what was the motivation behind the writing of it? Did it just come to you, or did you pull it out from deep inside yourself? I've had it happen both ways when I write poetry. Sometimes it is something that I dredge up from my own soul, other times it is just a randomn idea that seems to spawn a life of its own. Either way you should do it more often. So should I, for that matter! It feels good to write, don't it?
Admitteldly though, most of my poetry is much lighter. I tend to tell stories through poetry that are pretty straight forward and don't leave much to interpretation. My biggest influence is Robert Service. One of the first poems I ever put to memory when I was young was probably one of his most famous works...
The Cremation of Sam McGee
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You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!
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Kickle
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8709939 - 07/31/08 10:28 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Powerful ending, nicely done.
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Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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geokills
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 Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: ToTheSummit]
#8712225 - 08/01/08 01:23 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Thanks for the kind and supportive words everyone! 
This work has been drawn out of the dark shadows of my mind, birthed like fresh rain through the clouds of present circumstance. For those so inclined, you may perhaps gain a better insight into the trail that led to this composition, in this recent journal entry (link).
Writing has always provided me great relief from weighty matters in mind. Though this is the first time I have taken it to the form of poetry, making a conscious effort to leave details undefined with an air of abstraction. I am excited to put down more words that may not have to crawl free through such visceral emotional intensity, but that float merrily onto paper in the manner that daydreams can spark a smile and excitement in the midst of common routine. I have found that for the most part, what I consider my best writing often manifests through times of stress. I will practice to hone my skills such that I may be able to create something meaningful without having to swim through the syrup of personal torment; However, I cannot deny that writing is an important outlet for those thoughts and feelings that could otherwise eat away at my spirit. I take some comfort in that.
As a technical note, I edited the opening two lines from:
Waking hours burnt each day,
Charred remains of a bleeding heart.
to
Waking hours burnt each day,
Charred remains of a heart staid.
This may give the composition a darker initial tone, and to be sure I do not feel that my heart
is truly staid. But as this poem is just as much for those who read it, as it has been for myself,
I believe this modification makes for a better reading.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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ToTheSummit
peregrinus
Registered: 08/22/99
Posts: 9,126
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8712468 - 08/01/08 02:02 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Heres an example of my work. This is about as dark as I ever get, and even here there is a subtle touch of humor. And the poem itself is a statement on never giving up. I know I've posted it here somewhere in the past but I always like to share again.
PUTTIN UP A FIGHT
6 foot 7 mutherfucker, fire in his eyes
He's laughing like a jackal as he's dancing on my head
Somehow I done pissed him off, it wasn't very wise
I'm pretty sure its something that I said
Ain't no chance I'll win this one, I'm in a world of shit
My face is bruised and bleeding, its a pretty nasty sight
I'd probably be better off if I would just submit
But I ain't going down without a fight!
Ain't no chance of winnin
I'm paying for my sinnin
The devil is a grinnin
But I'm puttin up a fight
Not sure when I started, maybe a week ago
But I know I been partying for way too fucking long
The whiskeys trying to kill me while the cocaine keeps me up
But now the lines are getting pretty long
Things are getting fuzzy, I know I'm losing ground
My mind is growing darker then a moonless winter night
And I'm afraid it won't be long before I am face down
But I ain't passing out without a fight!
Ain't no chance of winnin
I'm paying for my sinnin
The devil is a grinnin
But I'm puttin up a fight
I'm losing you, I know it, I can see it in your eyes
The luster and the magic of our love is growing bland
And I am sure it won't be long until you realize
How quickly you are slipping through my hands
Your eyes and heart are wandering, your looking for someone
Your throwing out that lustful lure and hoping for a bite
And soon some guy will take the bait and you'll be moving on
But I won't let you go without a fight!
Ain't no chance of winnin
I'm paying for my sinnin
The devil is a grinnin
But I'm puttin up a fight
I'm standing in the courtroom with my lawyer at my side
I'm staring at my shoes and I'm feeling lots of shame
I'm probly gonna have to spend about 10 years inside
And I know that I've got no one else to blame
The case has now been handed to a jury of my peers
They're gonna find me guilty, and you know what..they'll be right
The DA tried to strike a deal where I'd serve just 2 years
But they won't lock me up without a fight!
Ain't no chance of winnin
I'm paying for my sinnin
The devil is a grinnin
But I'm puttin up a fight
Its eating me from inside out, or so the doctors say
A lifetime of excesses is finally catching up
I'm strugglin just to stay alive through each and every day
But I'm pretty sure this thing has got me whooped
I try just to ignore it, but every day is pain
I take 2 oxycontin just to get some sleep at night
And I feel my life a fadin like a fire in the rain
But I ain't gonna die without a fight!
Ain't no chance of winnin
I'm paying for my sinnin
The devil is a grinnin
Still I'm puttin up a fight
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You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!
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geokills
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: ToTheSummit]
#8712500 - 08/01/08 02:10 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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With the refrain, that poem reads a lot like lyrics for an epic ballad.
What was your inspiration, and when was this written?
(if you don't mind me asking)
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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ToTheSummit
peregrinus
Registered: 08/22/99
Posts: 9,126
Loc: Las Vegas
Last seen: 7 days, 4 hours
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8712601 - 08/01/08 02:27 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Actually, that was one of those it-spawned-itself poems. It was June of 2002. The wife and I were on a cruise ship for our 8th wedding anniversary. I'm an early riser (always have been) so I got up one morning just about sunrise (after closing the nightclub the night before  ), grabbed a cup of coffee and my notepad, and found a quiet spot in the lounge at the top of the ship that overlooked the pool decks. I sat sipping my coffee and staring at the ocean for a few minutes trying to think of something to write when the line "Puttin up a fight" popped into my head. Within an hour or so a rough draft was done. By the end of that cruise I had written 4 of the 5 sections of the poem as you now see them. But it never felt complete to me for some reason and it wasn't until almost 6 years later that I would pen what would become the 4th section (about being in court). Up until then I didn't tell it to many people. It now feels complete and I am comfortable sharing it.
I still have, to this day, the original handwritten first draft from that morning on the ship. Scribbled at the top of the page are the words:
June 10, 2002 (at sea)
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You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!
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geokills
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: ToTheSummit]
#8712614 - 08/01/08 02:33 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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Wonderful, and thank you for sharing. 
I am also planning to keep the handwritten draft of the poem I presented above, alongside some other transcribed journals and letters from my past. I've learned to let go of the pack rat I once was, but it is still quite an experience to have a tangible object connected to a moment past in time.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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geokills
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 Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8806285 - 08/21/08 03:11 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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Figured I'd give this a li'l bump to share with you the accompanying artwork I scribbled for my written composition:
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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Mr. Mushrooms
Spore Print Collector
Registered: 05/25/08
Posts: 13,018
Loc: Registered: 6/04/02
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8834388 - 08/27/08 05:34 AM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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I like the artwork and the poem. Damn though, that poem is depressing as fuck. All I could think about was someone selling copies of it complete with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a pack of razor blades.
Nicely done, Geo. Your writing has always been impressive, your poetry not less so. I have written poems since I was in high school. I don't share them online for two reasons. 1. They are too personal. 2. They suck. 
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geokills
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: Mr. Mushrooms]
#8835945 - 08/27/08 01:15 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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As noted above, I find that the quality of my writing often correlates with the intensity of the emotions upon which it is drawn. Indeed, this selection was composed on one of my darker days. But in so doing, I was able to attain some measure of relief and perhaps even a little bit of perspective. It is wonderful to have something to focus the mind, while not unrelated to the present moment's experience, distanced and involved enough such that the mind is not drowning in circular thought loops. Instead, that depression was in part released onto paper; in essence offering me a touch of closure and self satisfaction through creation.
I'd recommend it to anyone. Drawing, singing, writing, dancing, forming, composing.
The power of creative experience is not to be underestimated!
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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PhanTomCat
Teh Cat....
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 Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8836836 - 08/27/08 04:11 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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Nice, love the color shading in the details of the flames of the sun.... 
And the symbolism of the elements opposed to each other;
Sun vs Ice(?) Crystals,
Hearts vs. Tears....
Stuck in the middle again.....
>^;;^<
--------------------
I'll be your midnight French Fry....
"The most important things in life that are often ignored, are the things that one cannot see...."
>^;;^<
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Boots
Disenchanted
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: PhanTomCat]
#8838166 - 08/27/08 07:46 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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It seemed broke and disjointed. Maybe I'd enjoy them as accompanying lyrics to a song, but as a poem, I didn't like it.
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geokills
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: Boots]
#8841405 - 08/28/08 12:20 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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Fair 'nough. Could you suggest revision? Or is it simply beyond any repair so far as you are concerned? 
PhanTomCat - I didn't even think consciously about the contrasting elements of fire and frozen water in the drawing! I was just doodling spontaneously at that point, and had actually thought about the crystals in the top left as diamonds... perhaps as I was listenin' to Ben Harper's "Diamonds on the Inside" album at the time. 
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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MOTH
Wild Woman
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8841693 - 08/28/08 01:18 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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I enjoyed it...what a powerful story.
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Mr. Mushrooms
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8843612 - 08/28/08 07:34 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
geokills said:
Fair 'nough. Could you suggest revision? Or is it simply beyond any repair so far as you are concerned?
Well, if it's a poem isn't it supposed to rhyme? 
j/k
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geokills
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: Mr. Mushrooms]
#8843715 - 08/28/08 07:49 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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To rhyme at a time so sublime as thine confusion. 
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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Mr. Mushrooms
Spore Print Collector
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Posts: 13,018
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Re: In the Deep (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#8845183 - 08/28/08 11:20 PM (15 years, 7 months ago) |
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Now that's what I'd call a poem not.
Much better.
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geokills
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Wake Up (an original poem) [Re: geokills]
#14177443 - 03/24/11 05:43 PM (13 years, 26 days ago) |
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Years on and a fresh wound inspires transcription...
Wake Up
Love spent tattered into squalid remains
Ever the path leads on, but never the same.
Sordid slums of confusion whirling through time
Forgotten dreams echo from an innocent mind.
Where has it all gone? So much has been changed
Fumbling for stable ground whilst hounded with pain.
Forced to endure the emotions we wrought
From moments like raindrops, free falling then crushed
Whomever I am now, unknown even hushed.
Abominable, contemptible, disgraceful and loathsome
Faces honest, the moral, the noble and wholesome.
Amidst vicious diversity, a warrior with heart
Tentatively uncertain and seeking new starts.
Tenacious devotion to the laws of thine being
Yearn for bucolic tranquility, sadness be fleeting.
Recollect, reconsider, endear and hold near
Lest demons of darkness embolden our fears.
Howling from within, eyes wet body shaken
This is the moment where true tests are taken.
Let not frenzied sentiments lay haste to rash action
Let not inner travail claim souls to dark factions.
Have strength, resolute. Play games, laugh and sing!
Easier said than done, for this world often stings.
Wake up you fool, there is so much to see.
Blinded by misplaced faith is no place to be.
Wake up old man, from a life set to sleep.
Wake up! WAKE UP! Crawl out from the deep.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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