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 truekimbo2
dis-associate.
  
Registered: 12/08/02
Posts: 3,142
Loc: ny
Last seen: 1 minute, 7 seconds
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 never going to be happy
#8388728 - 05/11/08 11:30 AM |
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just had a very long dream. it started with some friends that i only had in the dream (not IRL) brought me to a festival with them.
we got there early because my friends new the people who owned the land. it was like 10 square miles of dirt, with this huge huge middle school type designed building. except this building had weird symbols and alien pictures all over it. the people who owned it said their grandparents had bought it very cheaply from an eccentric millionaire or something.
now i'm not sure how much you want to read since the dream was really long, so i'll just sum some things up. the festival was huge and kind of burning man ish in the sense that there was a ton of cool people and there lots and lots of activities going on. music and cool stuff everywhere. i kept running into lots of people that i knew, old friends, people i went to highschool with, shroomerites, random people that i've seen at parties.
somehow i remained fairly unhappy, and even though i had all these friends there, no one seemed to care about me. i remained outside of all groups and situations. i was observer, no one to bond with.
i don't mean to say that i was ostrized, or that no one talked to me at all, just that it was all superficial and brief. this is pretty much how i feel in real life, because in real life thats pretty much what happens and i only have one or two real friends and they don't live in the same city as me.
and so kind of the point of the whole dream was a continuation of my belief that i will always feel alone, and i will not connect with people, even if i'm at the coolest place on earth surrounded by people i've known.
the dream was probably caused by the party i went to last night, where i didn't care for most of the people there, and most people ignored me. i went because i like music and dancing.
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Original creator of the autistic mind control conspiracy theory
should the shroomery accept opiate users?
I refute cosmic coincidence
drug OBEs are not real OBEs
my plan for revolution
originally created manual.jpg
GET $30 PAYPAL FOR FREEEE(pm me)
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 Compass
Ancient Light
Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 687
Loc: The Border of Reality
Last seen: 28 minutes
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those are normal fears, especially in some society today
but as Henri says, "never say never"
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 vitadura
Dream Seeker
Registered: 03/11/07
Posts: 287
Loc: Here, Now
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TrueKimbo...
I think I can absolutely relate to your situation. Everywhere I go I feel like I don't actually belong, but regardless I am where I am and people aren't necessarily shunning me or ignoring me, but it seems as though I am just observing the situation rather than being a part of it.
Life in general feels this way sometimes, too.. I just told a friend how much of a zombie I've been lately -- watching my life live itself with little to no connection to my actions or thoughts. Usually I am happy, smiling, and/or laughing, but occassionally I get into this funk where I think my happiness is artificial (but I guess the pain is just as artificial as the happiness).
I think you are just seeing through the illusion of this life, and sometimes what you see is beautiful, and sometimes what you see is horrid. The only advice I have and use myself is to just accept. Love, accept, embrace every moment, every object, every one, every thing.
Although we've only met briefly, I can tell you honestly that you are a beautiful creature with a wondrous, wise mind. It's impossible to stay happy and content all the time, especially when your mind is wandering all over the universe. I'm wishing you the best and hope that you can unveil the illusion and find contentment.
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"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." -Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
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truekimbo2
dis-associate.
Registered: 12/08/02
Posts: 3,142
Loc: ny
Last seen: 1 minute, 7 seconds
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i appreciate the response (and the interest in my journal, that i thought no one reads!).
in general i accept that these fears a normal part of getting old. I was perhaps unreasonably idealistic about how my life would turn out when i way younger, mainly because of hallucinogen use i thought i led a charmed life and what i always thought of as heaven on earth was just around the corner.
seems like perhaps i overestimated my luck a bit.
i've been pretty content though, and i'm grateful for what i have.
actually alot of it has been shock at my own contentment, when i was younger i was always very aware of how unhappy with my surroundings i was, and that caused me to be very restless mentally and physically. Now when i catch myself just chilling for weeks at a time i freak out because i realize this is my life, like you said vitadura i'm just watching it run itself without connection to my thoughts.
honestly i really fear getting old, which i had always looked forward to. i've been a sociable recluse and i can see the trend turning into just plain recluse.
--------------------
Original creator of the autistic mind control conspiracy theory
should the shroomery accept opiate users?
I refute cosmic coincidence
drug OBEs are not real OBEs
my plan for revolution
originally created manual.jpg
GET $30 PAYPAL FOR FREEEE(pm me)
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