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 MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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 Thoughts of Now
#8321958 - 04/24/08 03:48 AM |
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So since I've been reading 'The Power of Now,' I've become more aware of my thoughts and emotions, in the sense that I become more the observer, and less of a participant. Essentially, this book is exactly what I needed right Now. 
I can't go into all that I've read and learned over the past few days, because I'm still integrating the messages, but my entire experience has been wonderful and healing. That book truly is amazing. I feel the same way towards the book in regards to my spiritual development as I did towards, 'Conversations with God,' when I first read that and had it change my life about four years ago.
The change happens Now, and if not Now...when??
(now)
So if I get a little obsessive towards mentioning the NOW, it's because I'm teaching myself how to be more present. Even me talking about reading this book is not BEING in the Now, although my dialogue IS happening NOW, and if I am fully engaged in the dialogue without being attached to the results of this, then I am here now. I admit I have a long way to go and much more to understand. One of the things I do the most to pull myself out of the Now is imagining the future. I have become very aware of when I am putting my energy into a result that hasn't even happened yet. Everytime I notice this, even the act of noticing, brings me back to the present.
I love this book. I seem to love it even more when I'm not actively engaged in reading it.
So anyway, what's up with me Now?
Well, I've had a few rough days, been half-blind most days, because my contacts are usually not being accepted by my eyes right now for whatever reason. I don't know why exactly; there are many theories. My eyes will do fine with the contacts for a few hours and then they'll freak out and reject the contacts, getting EXTREMELY painful. I'm really trying to avoid a visit to the eyedoctor, seeing as how it's 75 dollars to schedule a visit, but I may have no choice. Right now I am experimenting with yet another NEW pair of contacts, in the hope that maybe my other pair was just old, and my other-other pair that I just put in a few days ago was defective. So far so good. It's my last pair too, so I hope this does the trick.
In addition to the lack of sight, I've started my period. This comes as a shock because for about four months I had an extremely light period and then last month I didn't have one AT ALL. Well, my body is making it all up to me and my period started again, a steady flow, complete with all the regular symptoms of raging, hormonal PMS!! I credit the reassertion of my period to all the avocados I've been eating and a purely fruit diet, not to mention release of my stress. I truly believe these factors combined to trigger the menstrual cycle again in my body. It was very humbling to note its reemergence, seeing as how I somehow had started thinking I was "above" having a womanly cycle. I am working hard to ACCEPT my womanhood right now. It's not always easy because the menstrual cycle has a tendency to ellicit a feeling of vulnerability inside myself, but it IS what it IS, I am a woman, and that's that. We bleed sometimes.
Still no job, and I have released all caring. I am still doing my part in looking for a job, by sending out resumes and attending the occasional interview, but I no longer have any attachment to the results of those actions. I don't see the point. I cannot control the future; I cannot predict the future; I will fulfill my role as passively as I can, and that's that. At this point I believe it's a better idea to let the job choose me. I've widened my search to all areas of Boston, and the variety of jobs to which I have applied is vast. I recently got a call AT RANDOM from a pet hospital closer to the city where I sent in my resume last week, and have an interview scheduled for this Monday. I'm staying calm about it, but part of me is getting excited nonethelesss and is projecting possible futures to be entertained. I am avoiding this. I will forget about it now that I've mentioned it here. I'll go to the interview, be myself, answer questions, and then leave. If they want to hire me then that's their business.
This new way of living...of living without attachment to any results...is so freeing. I have recently decided to integrate this new way of thinking into my diet and exercise, and find that I am a lot less focused on my body, and stressed about it. I simply eat the raw food that I want, when I want it, and exercise when I want, when I feel like it, and don't really care what happens. There is still an aspect of me that is nervous and freaky about my size/weight, but the overall consensus is, "I don't really care." Really, as long as I eat raw and exercise a little everyday, I don't have any reason for concern. That is what has taken me months to realize and is slowing beginning to get illuminated for me.
My goal is only happiness, and joy, and happiness seems to occur when I'm in the moment, when I am totally Present in the Now. The same with joy; when I feel joy in the simple act of LIVING and doing without attachment, then I know I am in the Now.
The book has been powerful in the sense that being present in the now IS the most powerful tool at our disposal as humans. I just never realized how powerful it can truly be, until NOW. Everything happens Now, and to be present and aware of this, is the KEY.
I can do anything NOW. Attachment to results of doing takes one out of the now, but the power IS NOW. I can do ANYTHING right NOW, without attachment, and that's the true power I am realizing, and there are no boundaries to that realization in its implementation in my life.
Everything happens NOW. I can do anything NOW, if I am present, if I am CONSCIOUS. It's so fucking beautiful, I almost wanted to cry just thinking of it. The freedom.
In other news...I'm not sure how long it's been exactly...but I know I'm almost 4 weeks sober. I haven't missed being altered; not really. Sobriety seems altering enough. I can sense my mind-states so much more clearly these days. I can feel "high" and "tripped out" enough, without the drugs. I'm not saying I'll never do drugs again. I like shrooms and acid. In fact I cannot WAIT to do either shrooms or LSD with a clear head. I seek crystal clarity. (of course, this too is just HERE NOW. )
I can't pat myself on the back. I don't care enough to do that. I am only relaying my experience of reality NOW, because...well, no particular reason. Because I feel like it.
Think I'll go to the gym now. My contacts seem like they're okay and I feel like moving around lots. I will take my bike; it's not even 6am, but what a bike ride this will be.
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 WhiskeyClone
Penske material
 
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 11,256
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
Last seen: 5 hours, 36 minutes
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It's so comforting to know you never need to do anything other than deal with the moment at hand. Make it your only habit; it's easy to slip back into unconsciousness if you get lazy.
Glad to hear you are enjoying the book. It's a good one.
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I turned sigs off so I'm not going to offer a clever sig anymore
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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Oh yes! The more I read that book, the more I just NOTICE when I am slipping out of the Now! It's like the Now is this perfect, centered place of balance and beauty and peace, and on either side of this sanctuary there is a torrent racing one way, of future, and on the other side, there is a torrent racing the other way, of past. I just NOTICE when I am either getting caught up in the future or the past so much more. Future seems easy for me to put the breaks on because I recognize when I am immersing myself in a reality that does not exist; past is more elusive for me to catch, mostly because my pain-body has a lot of emotions invested in the past! Though I have to admit, the more I am CONSCIOUS, the more I am CONSCIOUS!
I even meditated today! I haven't done that in MONTHS. I simply felt a calling, and I went and did it. I ACTED in the Now! My entire day seemed formed of NOW'S! Do yoga? Okay, I'll do it now. Clean up a mess? Yep, now. Play with my dog? Now. Write a story? Now. Read more books? Now. It ALL *happened NOW!* I'm pretty exhilarated, but what's funny (cackle) is that I am buzzing about something that has ALREADY HAPPENED! A reality that no longer exists! I am not in the Now as I am writing this, unless I am fully absorbed in my relaying of my experience of the Now, which is the Now, which I seem to be! So yeah!  Still learning how to be conscious...
Isn't that a BEAUTIFUL word??? CONSCIOUS. It's adorable, it's wonderful, it's empowering, it's remarkable, it's pleasurable. I LOVE IT. To be conscious...CONSCIOUS. Can such a thing be any more beautiful then to be a conscious, awakened being??!
I must settle. I will however relay some of the events and adventures I encountered throughout my day. What to say?? There is too much...I read books, I meditated, I cleaned up my yard, I played with my dog, I did yoga, I exercised my abs and arms, I biked 12 miles, I ate delicious raw fruits, I went grocery shopping...I...WROTE.
It flowed, I am the mama. That's all I can say! Hundreds and HUNDREDS OF THEM.
The FLACCID UNBORN!
Agh! Must settle...breathe...do some pranayama...
I will take a shower, NOW! Then proceed with more exercise! (an imagined future) and yoga (imagined future)
I will forget about those imaginings for NOW. I will only BREATHE...
...NOW. 
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I can't go to sleep.
I did 45 minutes of yoga, lots of arm and belly exercises, lots of jump roping...my arms feel like noodles...
I ate a few kiwi...a banana...
...no sleepy...soooo buzzzzed...I've been up for more then 24 hours and I can't even tell.
It HAS to have something to do with the David Wolfe vids.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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OMG second interview today at Whole Foods! I've been sleeping all morning and might still crash for more zzzzz's...it's at four...I have to bike there.
/positive/positive
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I got a job!!
Writing is still happening. I look back upon it later and DO NOT KNOW who wrote it. I do not remember writing it. I love that feeling. It's all about being in the Now when there is writing.
Meditation  yes
Yoga yes
Cardio yes
JOB!!! yuppers!
Reading yes
I am in joy.
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OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 53,662
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 6 hours, 53 minutes
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You're great. My brother from another mother, sister from another mister.
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The Drug Policy Alliance Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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Ha, that about describes it. You are a universe unto yourself. Beautiful being! Did I mention just how awesome you are? I love you dude. 
I'm home...from NYC.
it's so surreal.
I feel like SO MUCH has happened the past...what? 30 hours or so?
holy shit. I'm fumbling around looking for the words, because I haven't really slept yet. I slept a little on the bus on the ride back, but it was a half-sleep. I am exhausted...yet still thrumming with energy.
I would describe my trip to the city in one word = TRANSFORMATIONAL.
It's like the ball got rolling, inside my spirit, in a myriad of different ways. Balls manifested themselves on quite a few occasions during my experience, in fact.
Okay = this is just a ramble to satisfy my urge to communicate SOMETHING. I may write a more in depth trip report later.
I am BLOWN AWAY. Just completely...HERE. I spent a great deal of my journey completely Here and Now. So much about my own character and my own life was revealed to me. I came to understand my own mind COMPLETELY. I knew how to navigate it. I knew to control my own mental projections, and thus create my own reality. I will go into this more later, because it bears further mention and exploration of that experience. This is more just a summary.
I danced my ASS OFF. Until I touched my heart center and felt it slick with sweat. I UNDERSTOOD music, because there was no difference between us; I could walk on top of it, and slide into it with ease.
The Cosmic Christ picture at the Alex gallery - holy shit. I lay in front of its glory for what seemed like eternity, and I was completely okay with this, because I was totally here and now. I learned so much about my purpose in this world. I realized that all I had to do to realize my purpose was to be here, now.
I'm incredibly...well, on the train home from Boston to the bus station near my town, I started crying out of sheer delight. I saw a mother and her child, soo beautiful, and I understood procreation then; I understood the value of my own birth, my own life.
Just so much understanding. SO MUCH LOVE
I AM LOVE
I will never, ever forget this. I am so blessed, thankful and ecstatic to be alive.
I am so honored to be in this incarnation cycle with YOU.
(everyone, here!)
THANK YOU.
I AM LOVE
so are you.
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Lion
Jai Hanuman!
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2,882
Last seen: 35 minutes, 47 seconds
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Quote:
Balls manifested themselves on quite a few occasions during my experience, in fact.
LOL 
Seriously, though....  Keep on truckin'
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Shri Guru Charan Saroj Raj
Nij mane mukure sudhar
Varnao Raghuvar Vimal Jasu
Jo dayaku phal char
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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Thanks.
The park we had the picnic in was amazing, totally scenic. I was sooo happy to find the Shroomery camp after hours of hopping from train to train and getting lost and ending up in Queens...twice! The feeling of being a single entity in a city of millions was so humbling. The picnic was relaxing and festive...I got to "swordfight!" Lots of amazing discussion between Shroomerites. And the moment I ran into Vitadura randomly while waiting for the bathroom was precious. Not to mention the hospitality extended to all of us from Yoschi and Moira (and Robot) was fucking awesome.
I just took a nap...felt a little shaky when I woke up. Like my reality is more real then ever. (yet it is just a dream)
I had a great time.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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The whole journey from the point when I got onto the bus in Boston to NY, to stepping off the bus in NYC and immediantly becoming part of the city, to when I was dropped off back home, was a total journey. I can only describe it as a gift.
I keep trying to reevaluate everything; my heads still all whirly. There are a few things that I can do: read and be.
That or watch a few videos. 
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Lion
Jai Hanuman!
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2,882
Last seen: 35 minutes, 47 seconds
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Sounds like an incredibly cool trip. I'd really like to check out a CoSM get-together some time - Alex Grey's art is truly awe-inspiring. Just thinking about it gives me that cosmic feeling of wonder that I get from looking at the night sky on shrooms. What a beautiful mystery!
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Shri Guru Charan Saroj Raj
Nij mane mukure sudhar
Varnao Raghuvar Vimal Jasu
Jo dayaku phal char
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I definitely HAVE to get a poster of the Cosmic Christ. That painting quite literally changed my world this weekend. There was another one I really enjoyed...I can't remember the name but it was a gigantic one, in the acoustic room. I loved all of the art actually. I could easily go there countless times more. Just seeing Alex in person was so surreal. He's a celebrity to me.
The entire weekend feels like a dream. Like, "was I there??" Fortunately I collected memorabilia along the way to help ground the idea.
I'm gonna write a trip report tomorrow, in chronological order of the events that occurred on my NY journey.
I was feeling a little sluggish and 'blah' tonight, in recovery mode I guess, so I decided to get my blood flowing to see if that would help. It definitely did. I did some body-weight exercises, then I danced around on my yoga mat until I was all sweaty.  I think I'm gonna make it a habit to dance around for an hour or so every day. It's an awesome workout, and totally fun. Then after this, my energy was high, so I jumped rope until my heart was pounding and then did actual vinyasa flow, not just the beginner basic flow. Holy shit, that stuff is INTENSE. I can't wait to get better at it.
So yeah...movement is my ally.
It's late and I'm sooo sleepy. I napped for awhile, but it didn't hold out. I think I'm gonna do more yoga and then crash.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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There's nothing like LSD to loosen my boundaries and shake me up a bit. Today, almost two days later, I just don't care about much. I just feel totally mellow, rather apathetic, calm. Like I just want to lounge around and sleep, or read, or post on the internet. I just want to be; no concerns, no worries, no limits. I ate spinach yesterday and today I had some guac and broccoli and raw walnuts. I love fruit but there are other delicious raw foods I can also eat. I don't want to be so rigid with my raw diet right now. Maybe later; not right now. The fruitarian experience was fun and I'll go back to it periodically.
I just feel...loose. I feel...warm and lazy. Relaxed, is a better word. My eyelids are droopy still, even after 11 hours of sleep last night and this afternoon. Outside, it is dark and rainy. I don't mind.
I just feel limp. Like I don't care about anything right now. What is there to care about? I have everything I need, here and now. I don't want to limit myself by getting too wrapped up in the future. Though at the same time, I feel driven towards manifesting future desires.
I may sleep more. I know it's okay. It's storming outside. I feel so calm.
Empty.
at peace.
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OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 53,662
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 6 hours, 53 minutes
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I miss you!
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The Drug Policy Alliance Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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Dude...same here. I loved the talks we had. The entire weekend seems like such a dream. A WONDERFUL dream.
As always after a powerful Shroomery event, I am left feeling dazed and wondering how to get back into a daily routine. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. That's half the fun, I know... 
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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Whole Foods hasn't yet called me saying, "Yes, your background check cleared; you can start tomorrow!" so I'm stillll in limbo...just settling back into a sense of routine...
Which for me means staying up all night and sleeping in the next day until 2pm, being active in general, working out, biking and doing yoga, and WRITING.
YES, there was writing done, and I have absolutely no idea what was written. I'm just going with the flow.  I almost don't even care; it's a continuation (read: total REVAMP) of a story I started a few years ago. I let one of my professors in college read it and he loved it, though he was shocked it had been written by me: "I thought a guy wrote that!" were his exact words.
The first line is the best, so I worked off of that and I'm rewriting it in harmony of where the planet is at in my mind. And everything is just FITTING so well. Everything is syncing up, in a way that's seldom happened before. Here's the thing though: I don't really care about it. I don't have attachment to it. I just DO it, I just write what I need to write, and then don't think about it the rest of the time.
When this part is done, we'll see where it goes from there. But I bet I'll be able to connect it with the other pieces I have already written. I'm not sure though and I know it's not up to me.
Writing a novel is such an exercise in patience that I'm honestly just writing, and then forgetting. Just enjoying the NOW, the instances that I am THERE in that space, and then that's that. I don't want to get too worked up over it. I don't want to have attachments to results. I am just going with the flow...
the most important thing I've realized about it:
I'm not aware of what's going to happen. I keep getting surprised. I'm not driving this thing...
...and it feels great not to have that responsibility. It is what it is...my input is not necessary.
~~~
So...maybe it's the weather. But I am smitten. With who? Does it matter? NOPE! I keep getting crushes on just about everyone. And trust me...YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE. (whoever you are) I just feel really sappy and... *sigh* ...just kinda IN LOVE! Not sure who it's directed towards...maybe no one? Maybe everyone! All I know is that my heart is RIPE for some lovin'!
Maybe it comes from believing, "I AM LOVE," from using that as a mantra throughout my day. Maybe feeling IN LOVE with everyone I meet or make meaningful eye contact with, is just a side-effect of that.
Either way...I feel so...RAWR.
Like I wanna jump someone's bones.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I listened to my messages and there was a lady from a vet hospital requesting that I come in for an interview for a customer service position. I'm kinda excited, considering that I blew off the other vet hospital interview because I assumed I'd be working for Whole Foods by now.
Ha. NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING FROM ANYONE!
So I'm gonna call her back and see what's up. I just realized I cannot put all my eggs in one basket.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I'm not in NOW. I'll just admit it flat out. Well...at least I don't feel like I am...
...because I'm a little agitated. About my lot in life. Just doing a lot of thinking... (and you know how dangerous that can be)
...about where I want to be...
...not about where I am.
I feel like I have a fire burning beneath me...
...pushing me up and onwards. My mind is full of visions of life elsewhere, instead of life here. Of things that I could do, instead of what I am doing. And I'm frustrated that all I can do NOW is wait, to get a job...HERE...when my mind is elsewhere...
but those realities I'm creating in my mind do not exist. Those futures and pastimes, are not mine to behold. They are fantasy. They don't matter. They aren't real. While I fantasize about them, I am left feeling dissatisfied with where I'm at here and now.
That irritates me.
I suppose I'll just say what I'm thinking...but keep in mind, it's all fiction; it doesn't count; it's not real. It's just a distracting silly array of thoughts.
I want to be somewhere else. At this point, it's anywhere else. I want to be somewhere I can take care of myself, all by myself. Where I don't have to rely on anyone, or something like a car, just to get by. Where there is lots of public transportation, and lots of people. I found New York City very fascinating. I felt very different when I was there. It made me think I should move closer to a city, perhaps even closer to Boston. It made me think I am being pulled towards a metropolis of some sort, where I am among more personalities, more human energy, more activity.
The alien planet within myself grew a metropolis when I was in NYC. This is hardly surprising, but it was the first time I've descended down from the biology of the world into a city. It was my first time to experience a city inside of that world; and it was very intense. For even as I was experiencing NYC, I was also experiencing the parallel, inside my mind, inside that alien planet in that dimension that I consider my true home. I've always been too far away to see any cities before; they've been dwarfed by the size of the world and I thought perhaps the jungle was too thick for humanity to gain much of a foothold there.
I was wrong. Very wrong; there is a huge metropolis on interior of the alien planet. I SAW IT. I saw NYC, but it shadowed itself in my mind, in this other place.
I'm drawn to the city right now, and I don't know why. Oh yes...I know; it's a way for me to become self-sufficient in the North. I need to be somewhere where there are lots of people. I need to be somewhere there is public transportation, so that when winter comes, I am not stranded without a car. I need to be somewhere where there is both work, and a college to go to. I have to plan ahead for winter and this draws me into the city.
There is something else: a flip. I have also been considering purchasing backpacking gear and just taking off for the summer, somewhere, because of this restlessness that has overcome me. If I have that gear, I can go anywhere; can't I?
Maybe not in the city. I don't know.
You can see how very restless I am. How very not in the NOW I'm being.
I just feel disgruntled. I don't want to leave the North and if I find a city to call home, I won't have to. Boston seems to be the obvious answer; I must move closer to the city for now. I feel as though I could go to college up here if only I could find a way to sustain myself.
If the Whole Foods thing works out, I could easily transfer to a store in the city, in Cambridge. There are organic co-ops there too. I am also going to continue to apply to more jobs in that area. Eventually I will find one...
If I move to Cambridge or anywhere in Boston, I may be able to become truly independent. There would be no need for a car; only my bike. I would find an apartment, but likely have to have roommates. Maybe this isn't so bad?
I have to admit: I am afraid. A little bit afraid of the future.
But the future isn't NOW; and right NOW, I have nothing to fear.
RIGHT NOW: I am safe in an apartment, with lots of raw food, I have my health and I have my will. I have my peace. I am in Now.
NOW
There is no point about thinking about anything else besides what is happening now. I'm glad this journey entry was good for something.
NOW....I am here. And that's that.
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MOTH
Flower Power
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 15,958
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I'm not in NOW. I'll just admit it flat out. Well...at least I don't feel like I am...
...because I'm a little agitated. About my lot in life. Just doing a lot of thinking... (and you know how dangerous that can be)
...about where I want to be...
...not about where I am.
I feel like I have a fire burning beneath me...
...pushing me up and onwards. My mind is full of visions of life elsewhere, instead of life here. Of things that I could do, instead of what I am doing. And I'm frustrated that all I can do NOW is wait, to get a job...HERE...when my mind is elsewhere...
but those realities I'm creating in my mind do not exist. Those futures and pastimes, are not mine to behold. They are fantasy. They don't matter. They aren't real. While I fantasize about them, I am left feeling dissatisfied with where I'm at here and now.
That irritates me.
I suppose I'll just say what I'm thinking...but keep in mind, it's all fiction; it doesn't count; it's not real. It's just a distracting silly array of thoughts.
I want to be somewhere else. At this point, it's anywhere else. I want to be somewhere I can take care of myself, all by myself. Where I don't have to rely on anyone, or something like a car, just to get by. Where there is lots of public transportation, and lots of people. I found New York City very fascinating. I felt very different when I was there. It made me think I should move closer to a city, perhaps even closer to Boston. It made me think I am being pulled towards a metropolis of some sort, where I am among more personalities, more human energy, more activity.
The alien planet within myself grew a metropolis when I was in NYC. This is hardly surprising, but it was the first time I've descended down from the biology of the world into a city. It was my first time to experience a city inside of that world; and it was very intense. For even as I was experiencing NYC, I was also experiencing the parallel, inside my mind, inside that alien planet in that dimension that I consider my true home. I've always been too far away to see any cities before; they've been dwarfed by the size of the world and I thought perhaps the jungle was too thick for humanity to gain much of a foothold there.
I was wrong. Very wrong; there is a huge metropolis on interior of the alien planet. I SAW IT. I saw NYC, but it shadowed itself in my mind, in this other place.
I'm drawn to the city right now, and I don't know why. Oh yes...I know; it's a way for me to become self-sufficient in the North. I need to be somewhere where there are lots of people. I need to be somewhere there is public transportation, so that when winter comes, I am not stranded without a car. I need to be somewhere where there is both work, and a college to go to. I have to plan ahead for winter and this draws me into the city.
There is something else: a flip. I have also been considering purchasing backpacking gear and just taking off for the summer, somewhere, because of this restlessness that has overcome me. If I have that gear, I can go anywhere; can't I?
Maybe not in the city. I don't know.
You can see how very restless I am. How very not in the NOW I'm being.
I just feel disgruntled. I don't want to leave the North and if I find a city to call home, I won't have to. Boston seems to be the obvious answer; I must move closer to the city for now. I feel as though I could go to college up here if only I could find a way to sustain myself.
If the Whole Foods thing works out, I could easily transfer to a store in the city, in Cambridge. There are organic co-ops there too. I am also going to continue to apply to more jobs in that area. Eventually I will find one...
If I move to Cambridge or anywhere in Boston, I may be able to become truly independent. There would be no need for a car; only my bike. I would find an apartment, but likely have to have roommates. Maybe this isn't so bad?
I have to admit: I am afraid. A little bit afraid of the future.
But the future isn't NOW; and right NOW, I have nothing to fear.
RIGHT NOW: I am safe in an apartment, with lots of raw food, I have my health and I have my will. I have my peace. I am in Now.
NOW
There is no point about thinking about anything else besides what is happening now. I'm glad this journey entry was good for something.
NOW....I am here. And that's that.
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