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Offlineimagine
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Registered: 09/24/05
Posts: 758
Loc: CA
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with
    #7435125 - 09/21/07 03:51 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Hey guys :smile:

I haven't been to this board in a few. I used to visit often however I have been very busy with school, work, my girlfriend, etc. Anyways, I always come here for peace. I value everybody's knowledge here!

I have been with my girlfriend for about a month and a half. We have fights a little too often than most relationships. We have not had sex yet. We are waiting. We have not said "I love you" yet. I don't want to fight. I want a healthy relationship. I believe the cause of the fights is communication with feelings. She has had a few relationships in the past but has been cheated on a few times. I believe she currently has a wall. It doesn't seem right. Because we've been together for a month and a half I feel she should be able to open up and explain her feelings and let that wall down. Me, on the other hand, open up COMPLETELY. After fights I attempt to tell her my feelings and let out an entire speech but her only responses are "yea"'s and "ok"'s. I get very upset and frustrated. Because she isn't telling me her feelings I often have to guess and guessing only leads to me hurting emotionally. I am very sensitive. I have had my share of experiences and am a little insecure when it comes to jealousy and "losing somebody" but I am working on it.

Basically, my girlfriend does not tell me her feelings. I have no idea why! I attempt to talk to her about it but it just leads to a fight. She is very sensitive with words. If something offends her she is OFFENDED COMPLETELY let me tell you. I do not want this. She is a beautiful girl and wonderful when she is happy and I want to fall in love with her. I want her to fall in love with me. I want to be together for years. I like her so much.

Basically, what I am asking is...is it me? Why can't she tell me her feelings? To be technical, I am 19 and she is 18. I believe at this age we can be able to communicate about feelings on SOME type of level. She is very hard to read. I am usually able to read women\people in general very well. I want to be able to know what she is thinking when I am with her. But now, I have to guess. She has a huge wall and I cannot break through it. I want to. I want to share our feelings. I love sharing feelings. Will she eventually let this wall down? Why hasn't she yet? Or am I trying to pass by an inpenetrable (is this a word?) wall? Should I stick it out and suck it up until she is ready to open up, or will she be like this our entire relationship? In the past, girls have opened up to me in a heart beat. But not this time. At first in our relationship we had no worries and were constantly on cloud 9. But after summer ended and we began our busy schedules she is constantly stressed which doesn't help.

Any thoughts are appreciated although i'm not sure if this thread made any sense :smile: Thank you!


Edited by imagine (09/21/07 04:23 AM)


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InvisiblesuiM
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Registered: 08/20/04
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7435131 - 09/21/07 04:04 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

sounds like she has issues dude. You havent been dating that long, tell her how you feel and if she still doesnt care then find a new chick. If she doesnt want to make it work then what can you do?


--------------------
~TOTAL FREEDOM THROUGH TOTAL CONTROL~
The Ultimate Artistic ParradoxX




"There is never a wrong note, bend it."
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Offlineimagine
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Registered: 09/24/05
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Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: sui]
    #7435138 - 09/21/07 04:15 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I believe she wants to make it work. Tonight after I gave her my "feelings speech" she said she didn't want to talk about it at the moment. She said she needed to figure things out. I asked, in a non insecure way, "do you still want to be together?". She replied, "as of now, yes". She had told me earlier that night that if we continued fighting she did want want to do this because it is adding baggage to her school\work\family issues.

Also, not that this matters, but she had been on Lexapro since 8th grade. When we first met, I told her my opinion about medications and she had stopped taking it. She has been off of it for about 2 months. Perhaps the with drawls are effecting her mind? Hmm! :rolleyes:


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InvisiblesuiM
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7435143 - 09/21/07 04:24 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

does she need the drug? If she does, she should keep taking it. The bad thing about those drugs isnt that they dont work, its that doctors just throw them at people.


--------------------
~TOTAL FREEDOM THROUGH TOTAL CONTROL~
The Ultimate Artistic ParradoxX




"There is never a wrong note, bend it."
Jimi Hendrix


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Offlineimagine
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Registered: 09/24/05
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: sui]
    #7435157 - 09/21/07 04:34 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

True. And no, I don't believe she needs it. She did seem a little different while she was taking it but maybe that's because it was when I first met her and didn't know her as a person. She has extreme moods. When she's happy, she's happy. When she's stressed, she's stressed and is VERY mean. I believe she is narrow minded. Often she is doing homework and completely neglects me and I become upset because she can't even kiss me every so often. Now, I know when one is doing homework they must concentrate but to go an hour with out any sign of acknowladgement doesn't seem right. When she is focused on something she acts like I don't even exist. It seems like it's all about her, ALL the time. Maybe this is my sensitivity kicking in. Anyways when she's happy...she is very into me. I am often upset from the night before when she didn't want me to lay with her because she wanted to "sleep alone tonight" so I get in a mood and do not respond with happiness. I'm on a rollercoaster right now :frown: I am already very much attached to her so taking a break or breaking up isn't necessarily an option right now. I want to work on this. I do not want to give up. Also, i'm bad with break ups.

I'm pretty much describing her as much as possible because I am having a hard time reading her right now. Any opinions are valued :smile:

Also, as I read my posts I can tell that my sensitivity shows. I understand this...don't be afraid to let me know that perhaps SOME of my thoughts on this have to do with me. Although I doubt it has to completely do with that. Thanks guys.


Edited by imagine (09/21/07 04:36 AM)


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Offlineimagine
Psychic
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Registered: 09/24/05
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Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7435174 - 09/21/07 04:48 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I have to get to bed, we are going to Disneyland tomorrow with some friends and I need some sleep :smile: I'm going to bring her her favorite snack in the morning to start things off good. I'm going to try my best to not be stubborn and sensitive when a fight comes. I'm going to make this work. I LIKE HER! She is too important to me to just lose so easily. This is possible. I am good with relationships and will execute what I know. Any advice\thoughts are still appreciated. See you soon guys :smile:


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OnlineMushroomTrip
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7435546 - 09/21/07 09:19 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Well, first of all, why are you fighting about?
I mean from your story, it seems that you do it very often.
Also, she really seems undecided about you two being together and it just doesn't seem right.
Both of you should be pretty mature by now, and she should know what she wants.
Keeping you in this confusion only harms the relationship you two have.
From what I understand from your posts, you seem to be rather fixated on her, rather than really in love. Or anyways, the way she behaves makes you look so and makes you behave in such a manner where you could become suffocating.
The issues and fears that she has, you're not responsible for fixing them and you could never do that because the only one who can work on that is herself. And from your descriptions it looks like she isn't ready to face that yet. :shrug:
Also I think that you're in love with the idea of relationship which you created in your mind and which in reality is much different! Be careful with that because that's the easiest way to hurt yourself. And if you really want to make this work, I'd suggest that you drop all your fantasies about how you want it to be because they only stop you from seeing the truth and act in consequence.

While I agree that meds never help and like I said before, the only one who can actually make a change regarding her attitude is herself, I think it was not your decision to take whether she should stop taking them or not. How do you want her to be her own person and be with you out of her own will, when you're trying to imprint your will upon her?


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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InvisibleMushmanTheManic
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Registered: 04/21/05
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7436033 - 09/21/07 12:43 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

A month and a half is a very short time in terms of relationships. If she has been hurt by others in the past it is going to take longer than that for her to open up and trust you. Why is it so important for her to tell you her feelings at this early stage in the relationship? If she doesn't want to talk about them, then you should respect that.


FYI, SSRI withdrawal is a bitch!


--------------------
PsyPost - Psychedelic Research


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Invisibleohmatic
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: MushmanTheManic]
    #7436328 - 09/21/07 02:07 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

a month and a half is a friendship, no relationship.

if she cannot open up towards you, maybe she does not WANT to, ever considered that ?

you may get too involved into it when you maybe just play the role of a nice parttime whereas
you see it differently.
if the situation stays unchanged, id say quit it for good, its just been 1.5 months,
your not so deep in it yet to make it really tough.


--------------------
:penis: MONOTUB tek :sun: HEATBOMB tek :penis:

RIP #cultivation! ....can't associate? well FUCK U !


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7436686 - 09/21/07 03:45 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Have you ever tried treating her like crap and maybe even hitting her?  These things tend to work.  :smirk:  Just kidding.

I dunno...she sounds like one of those girls who doesn't like talking about her feelings.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  If you get all in her face about it you'll only annoy and stress her out even more.  Sit back and chill and see what happens.  Maybe she'll open up when she's more comfortable with you.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7436859 - 09/21/07 04:25 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I recommend an experiment: for one week, strive to accept your girlfriend exactly as she is.  Do not ask her to change what she is doing, do not tell yourself that she should be doing something else, and do not base your own happiness on her behavior.

Shift the focus to yourself, to your own experience.  Do things that you enjoy, take great care of yourself with diet, relaxation & exercise, visit friends whose company you enjoy, think about where you see your life going in the next 5 years, imagine the exact life circumstances you would choose if it was up to you.

Be loving to her, but refrain from caretaking and second-guessing her actions.  Offer her only as much as you can give without strings attached.  Take time for yourself & allow her the same.  Plan a fun night out together, and leave behind all the baggage when you go out.

After this week, review your experiences.  If you find that you are more content, less anxious & depressed, then the issue in your relationship is not your girlfriend--it is you!  From your post, it sounds to me like you are over-focused on her as the source of your emotional well-being.  She is just another human being, not the grantor of peace and happiness.  Let her be human, and work on enjoying yourself anyway.  :heart:


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OfflineIolaa
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Registered: 08/28/07
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7436877 - 09/21/07 04:29 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

girls like that need time. give it a couple more months and see if she starts to break down her wall a little bit. more than likely it's going to come all at once. like when this girl i was dating told me how her ex-boyfriend became her step brother, she split up her parents, was addicted to narcotics, and had to think of me when she was screwing her legit boyfriend to get off.

you might just be looking for somebody to fall in love with. it turned out shitty in the end. you might be better off falling for somebody perfect.


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Offlinegeedorah
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: Iolaa]
    #7436899 - 09/21/07 04:33 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Iolaa said:
give it a couple more months




I thought like that in a relationship once and ended up going through a couple months of hell.

I would say end the relationship and if it's meant to be, immediately or after you both have had time to mature and change, then you will end up together. If not, live your life not hers. You are only 19. When you're 21 the term "feelings" gains new meaning every single day.


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OfflineIolaa
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: geedorah]
    #7437062 - 09/21/07 05:07 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

yeah, i went through hell too....but there was some good times. all in all it wasn't worth it, but it's a mistake everyone has to make on their own.


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Invisiblezorbman
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7437744 - 09/21/07 08:12 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Write her a letter. The advantage here is she can read it at her leisure and take it all in without there being an air of confrontation and defensiveness on her part.

People normally appreciate the effort that goes into a hand written letter. There can be no argument because there is only one party there and you can get everything out without being interrupted or angry.


--------------------
Why does changing the party in power never change policy? Could it be that the views of both parties are essentially the same? - Ron Paul


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: zorbman]
    #7438062 - 09/21/07 09:51 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I guarantee you that this girl won't like some big long letter. She obviously doesn't like talking about feelings-type stuff. Some long and prissy emotional letter will totally turn her off.


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Invisiblezorbman
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7438907 - 09/22/07 01:54 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I did not suggest a long letter or anything else you implied.

Way to warp someones's comments.


--------------------
Why does changing the party in power never change policy? Could it be that the views of both parties are essentially the same? - Ron Paul


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7440409 - 09/22/07 02:53 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

It sounds like you want her to be a different person than she is.

I like Veritas' advice in this thread.

She is who she is. Accept it, one way or another. If accepting that while staying with her is too hard for you, that means you have to move on and find someone who is more your type.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship based on communication. It's very healthy. However, you can't expect someone to be a certain way just because that is what would work best for you. While dealing with her lack of communication is hard on you, dealing with your freedom of communication and/or her own limitations is proving very hard on her.

You either have to bend to accept and understand her limitations, which will be a hardship for you, or you need to move on. Right now, what you're asking is for HER to bend. Which bends easier... something rigid or something flexible?

You are saying you're pretty flexible, but you want her to be the one who bends. That's selfishness.

In your ideal relationship, you would both bend and meet in the middle. But that only works if you're equally flexible, which is obviously not true.

A month and a half is a short time. Take some time for yourself, and figure out what's going on. You don't have to break up... maybe just take an unspoken break and see how you feel being more independant from her. You don't have to say "Fuck off, bitch" but maybe just treat her differently and stop expecting attention from her. She doesn't owe you anything.

If you can't handle that scenario, then Veritas is right and you are depending on her for your emotional stability.

Love is a free-flowing concept. She doesn't owe you love just because you love her. That's not how it works. Love comes from inside, and flows through you, out to others. It does not recycle back and forth between two people. If you can't handle being around someone who isn't in touch with their inner source of love, it's probably time to question whethe r or not you're in touch with YOUR inner source.

Look into meditation and spirituality... your source is within YOU, not her.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7440713 - 09/22/07 04:41 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

RandalFlagg said:
I guarantee you that this girl won't like some big long letter. She obviously doesn't like talking about feelings-type stuff. Some long and prissy emotional letter will totally turn her off.




This is true in my experience. The best move is to move on.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlineledfut
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Re: My girlfriend is very hard to communicate with [Re: imagine]
    #7441368 - 09/22/07 08:11 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

sounds to me that she doesn't want you, but she has no other options at this moment (probably from the issues that you describe).


--------------------
May our only occupation be not having a job.
May the only cocktails that we make be molitov.
-Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains


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