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Anything is one of a million paths. There you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do.  But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.  I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately.  Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I have traversed, long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor's question has meaning now. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't.  One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it.  The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

...


For me there is only the travelling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, breathlessly.

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"I can't preach Scientism cause I don't believe it. I can't preach Buddhism cause I can't understand it. The only thing I can preach is the felt presence of immediate experience which for me came through the psychedelics, which are not drugs but plants. It's a perversion of language to try to derail this thing into talk of drugs. There are spirits in the natural world that come to us in this way and so far as I can tell this is the only way that they come to us that is rapid enough for it to have an impact upon us as a global population."  - McKenna

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I guess what's weighing me down and what has me thinking about this is that ever since Alex Grey's party I've been reading more and more articles on psychedelic research and on psychedelic philosophy and I've just realized that to me that is the path with the greatest heart. Not for everyone, but for me, I know it, I feel it. THis doesn't mean doing them constantly, it doesn't even mean doing them forever, but it means that I feel I want to be a part of that "scene" if that's what you want to call it. The "movement," however headless it may be.

I guess it's just really important to me that people be able to have these experiences. The illegality of it seriously pains me, and worse than that is the societal attitudes towards it. It means that when people do have these experiences, there is so much fear involved, because we live in a culture of fear.  I mean, the idea of the Police hangs over each and every one of our heads...it's insanity, truly.

And so I feel like I'm feeling this purpose coming on. Something I want to fight on behalf of. And hanging over that are the spectres of my mother and my sister.  With mysisterit's not as important but man, it really sucks I can't communicate to my mother at all the things I deeply believe in and support, the things that have shaped me into who I am, undeniably.  I can't do it for a couple of reasons. She's an older lady, not very healthy, and after years of my dad essentially running over her life like an out-of-control boxcar she is worn down. And she's supporting her kids the best way she can while our dad is just a prick, and I feel that she has so much stress now, and can barely get by financially on her own.

I want to talk to her and for her to know who I am at my core but I don't want to throw this on top of her pre-existing worries. I'm so afraid, and sure, that to her it'll be like I'm "throwing my life away to drugs" or some such balhooey.  For me to talk to my mother about it two things must occur:

a) I must reach a point where I can articulate my feelings and my positions on entheogens clearly.

b) I can attain financial success in the field of my choice (I am a writer, a writer of fictions) - anything I write, whether it's about drugs or doesn't feature a single scene or mention of any drug at all, will be influenced and informed by my experiences, because they are what I draw great strength and inspiration from.

So, b) would come as a result of a), which would lead to me communicating with my mother about who I am and where I'm coming from. Which I would need to do because I really want to get involved in activism, to some degree, even if it's not organized activism and more a self-contained activism, on behalf of psychedelics.  I mean, I want to take part in panel discussions and conferences on the topic, I want to be part of a culture of intelligent people who see this as an important phenomenon, not just a bunch of kids who want to see swirly wirly shit on the walls (though of course, that is a ton of fun!) People who are being creative in their lives and whose creativity is an outgrowth of their psychedelic experiences and who believe that everyone should have the right to have those experiences without fear or shame.

I just want the people I love the most to know who I am.  I'm so tired of the negative stigma attached to the things that I believe in so strongly.  I'm so sick of being an in-the-closet user of psychedelics to certain people in my life.

This whole paths that have heart thing is killing me. Because it makes me want to live a life far less restrained than the one I've been living. And that statement has nothing at all to do with doing drugs, either, I don't want you to think it means I want to "do drugs more," because I don't, I just want to be able to not live two lives on two paths. Because there aren't two paths. There is one path, and I am walking it, and I have to stop fooling myself into thinking I can walk two paths at once.

And you know it's not just my family I think about it because I think about my girlfriend and how I love her and just want to love her till the end of time, and how her parents would be just as freaked out as mine if one day she was like "Yes, well Danny's going to Switzerland next month to take part in the yearly LSD Symposium," because fucking hell I want to be there, drinking whiskey with some of the greatest minds in the world, bandying ideas around a table late night in some bar in the midst of Basel.

What's funny is that all of this can be reduced to one thing, and it's the same thing that stares me in the face every day of my life: the need to write. Because if I can be successful, both monetarily and spiritually (and by that I just mean deriving happiness and fulfillment from life) by writing about these things and ruminating on them, then I can be the Man of Knowledge that I want to be, and not have to worry about what these people think because by leading a life of strength and discipline and walking the path that has heart, I can prove that I am doing the Right Thing For Me.

I just need to vent this out, get this out, and I didn't know anyplace better to put it as far as the Shroomery goes, so, here you go. Take it, run with it.

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Progress of human civilization in the area of defining human freedom is not made from the top down. No king, no parliment, no government ever extended to the people more rights than the people insisted upon. And I think we've come to a place with this psychedelic issue. And we have the gay community as a model, and all the other communities, the ethnic communities. We simply have to say, Look: LSD has been around for fifty years now, we just celebrated the birthday. It ain't going away. WE are not going away. We are not slack-jawed, dazed, glazed, unemployable psychotic creeps. We are pillars of society. You can't run your computers, your fashion houses, your publishing houses, your damn magazines, you can't do anything in culture without psychedelic people in key positions. And this is the great unspoken of American Creativity. So I think it's basicly time to just come out of the closet and go, 'You know what, I'm stoned, and I'm proud.'

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:

I guess it's just really important to me that people be able to have these experiences. The illegality of it seriously pains me, and worse than that is the societal attitudes towards it. It means that when people do have these experiences, there is so much fear involved, because we live in a culture of fear. I mean [...] it's insanity, truly.

[...]

I really want to get involved in activism, to some degree, even if it's not organized activism and more a self-contained activism, on behalf of psychedelics. I mean, I want to take part in panel discussions and conferences on the topic, I want to be part of a culture of intelligent people who see this as an important phenomenon, not just a bunch of kids who want to see swirly wirly shit on the walls (though of course, that is a ton of fun!) People who are being creative in their lives and whose creativity is an outgrowth of their psychedelic experiences and who believe that everyone should have the right to have those experiences without fear or shame.

I just want the people I love the most to know who I am. I'm so tired of the negative stigma attached to the things that I believe in so strongly. I'm so sick of being an in-the-closet user of psychedelics to certain people in my life. [emphasis added]

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This line of thought has been weighing heavy on my mind for the past many weeks.  I empathize with your yearning for freedom, your desire to foster and proliferate intelligent discussions on the subject of consciousness manipulation, altered perspectives, and the psychedelic experience in general.  Likewise, your sadness and disappointment regarding the way in which our culture has made the chemically-induced exploration of our own minds a subject of taboo, both legally and socially, is also something that is really hitting home at the current juncture in my life. 

It is the social stigma in specific that is so relentless and unforgiving, that at times I wish I could flood the world with so much joy that one could not help but spontaneously embody a tolerance for all the varied modes of living in this odd experience we call reality.  Unfortunately this is not so easy.  We are all products of our environment and respective upbringings, and to shake these influences is no easy task, requiring significant introspection and a willingness to evaluate the self in the midst of its darker, selfish, and otherwise distasteful ways of being which we are often taught largely to ignore (yet taught not often enough, to un-learn or reform into something more positive).

It is an interesting parallel, your conflict in the free and honest expression (of your inner desires, intrigues, experiences, and ponderances) with your mother in regard to psychedelics; as I am now thrown into a similar trial with a new love of my life.  Though time spent with this woman is some of the most wonderful I've yet had the pleasure to experience, she has great trouble allowing me to express or to discuss my own perceived implications of psychedelic exploration, its responsible use and its potential benefits as I've come to understand them through my own historical dabbling into such volatile yet viscerally exciting and rewarding realms of mental expanse, thought, and consideration.

What then to do?  I have chosen for the time being to walk this path - one of intentional shielding - where I consciously censor my own language and action, as a sacrifice for my partner's mental comfort.  It is not that I need her to experience these things as I do, but rather that (as you similarly stated) I want her to know me for who I am completely, and to be able to listen with an open ear to my most intimate musings and reflections.  I want to share myself freely with her, what I have learned from my experiences, and to bounce these philosophies off of her as I would enjoy doing with any close friend of intelligent and open mind. 

Yet, the fact remains that she may become visibly disturbed and indeed intolerant upon any mention more than in passing, of psychedelics, their use, or their effects.. particularly if I attempt to encourage introspection into her own reasons for the defensive and discomforted mindstate she manifests when the given topic enters open discussion.  She will proclaim that it is not her intention nor desire for me to change my way of being, simply that she is uncomfortable around the given subject matter.  In other words, that I can do as I please on my own time, so long as when I am around her I restrain myself from sparking up that joint or from introspecting upon last week's psychedelic journey.  But then, is this not in effect an elusive ultimatum, a veiled requisite for me to change my habits in order to placate her insecurity?  Afterall, my own time has become blurred into a manifestation of our time, as we spend so much of it together. 

I have no desire to ask her to leave my house should I wish to pick up the guitar and engage a toke, and on the same token I would not expect her nor would I pressure her to join me in said toke.  Likewise she has habits and tendencies of which I am not thrilled, but will tolerate.  I only desire for her to be comfortable with me for who I am, completely.  Acceptance, tolerance, and an understanding of differing perspectives, even if only in such a way as to understand that we are indeed different but that it is perfectly wonderful to be different.  For the moment I will continue to walk this path, and perhaps this woman I love will find a way to feel comfortable with my chemical experience and interest in the mind and all of its possibilities.  I must however simultaneously accept that she may never be able to comfortably understand these things about me.  Fortunately I find myself with much time to spend, and this experience on the whole is full of heart, teaching me new things about myself, about interpersonal interactions, compromise, and life at large. 


You know what? I'm stoned, and I'm proud!

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kake said:
Try to explain to her that you don't use them to get fucked up - and that this is where the stigma originates from... people who abuse drugs.  Explain that they are tools for the right people. 

I would tell her she should stop being such a pussy and try it herself or not judge you.  No amount of reading will ever replace experience.  She will never understand fully unless she tries it.  If shes not willing to try it, then she has no right to judge you and you should tell it like it is and move on to someone who cares about YOU not about changing you to fit her selfish closeminded needs.

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Well she knows I use drugs spiritually and have strong opinions against using anything to just get fucked up on, but so does she. I've always wondered what it would be like if she did actually give entheogens a go and let me guide her a bit, but really I love her too much to force her to enjoy what I do, she has to do that herself. I guess I just want acceptance from her and it's not like she is closeminded either, it's just she believes so strongly against her partner using drugs. I just want both of us to be happy, and the easiest way to do that is for her to be more understanding and let me be who I want to be, but still be with her. She has said in the past that if I want to continue using drugs I could, but we couldn't be together. I guess I just need some links to educated sites that don't put the bad rap on the issue and show them to her. Other than that, I don't know what to do

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Veritas said:
2.  "I must reach a point where I can articulate my feelings and my positions on entheogens clearly."  You're already there. 

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Thank you very, very kindly.

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Icelander said:
I agree with Veritas here.  I also have found my heart in the neo-shamanic path. I suggest you keep reading further in the Castaneda books. They are a sort of road map for the warriors way of living. With out some attempt to live life as a warriors challenge a path with heart seems impossible. 

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kake said:
Robot, I wish we lived near each other man, we would make good pals, I think  I share your exact sentiments, and have for at least the past 4 years of my life.  I walk 2 paths-- it really pains me as well--and I know it is what is keeping me from accelerating toward my full potential as a human being.  That is why I am a member of Shroomery, because these issues are IMPORTANT to me and my life and my personal goals.

And you know what sucks?  There has always been a shade of doubt in my mind - that one day I'll shake this whole drug-phase and figure out it was all a bunch of hoopla.  That shade is undoubtedly a byproduct of that god-damned stigma that is embedded into our society.

And you know what else?  Each day, as my knowledge grows, as my social networks increase, as my experiences reiterate old truths and conjugate new ones, and my as original intuitions about psychedelics continue to solidify, that shade is nullified by more and more light.

I want to come clean about a lot of things with my parents as well.  I feel like I can't afford to wait - they're almost 50 and while still in good shape, we all know death can come at any time.  I feel like if I wait I will regret it, but I know if I don't express myself with full confidence and knowledge, they will think the same as you described... "throwing your life away to drugs".

I just want you to know, Robot, that I totally stand by you in these goals we truly share.  Life is too short not to be following the heartful paths.

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kake - plenty of time for us, spinning around on this crazy globe, to intersect once more. I vividly remember meeting you, albeit not spending too much time together, at the NE2K5 gathering. It's great to see someone feeling the same struggles.

Lately I have been thinking about this issue in terms of my mother and the willful obliviousness she exists within in regards to my drug usage. I think she deep down knows I at least smoke pot, and just conveniently covers up the fact for herself.  And as I think more and more of my desire to share my beliefs and experiences with her, I am also thinking that perhaps for her, it is healthier to live with the illusion that I am her "innocent little boychik."  Maybe I want to tell her these things, but maybe it would be better for her not to hear them.  That's a real shitty situation right there.  She's going through so much, she's gone through so much, do I really want to shatter the veil and tell her that her baby boy is a voracious consumer of entheogens?

I continue to turn these things over in my head, to think about and process them, and in the meantime I'm reading more and more on psychedelics, writing more about them, and trying to firm up my position.  And I'm engaging in an active battle against the stigmatization of psychedelics in our society and the stigma against people who use them.  This leads me to engage in dialogues about them with people who have no/little interest in them, and these experiences are teaching me to communicate more clearly what I personally got out of entheogens and what I think other people (though I firmly believe they are NOT for everyone) can get out of them as well.

I wanna thank you all for taking the time to take part in this little dialogue. (Though, "dialogue" is from di- meaning between two, isn't it? So I guess the Shroomery's thread system makes for pan-alogues. )  With all these stigmas we have to fight against, the Shroomery inevitably becomes, in the minds of the people I know and some that I love, "that drug website."  But you guys really mean the world to me, and it's a sacred thing to have a community of people who have all been deeply affected in their lives by these funky fresh molecules.

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hobbitcg said:
Make a choice. Logic might not work in that situation.

The best logic I can think of, however, is to say: look at me. I took those drugs that you never wanted your partner to take and I am still a good person; you still love me. That's the most important point I could think of.

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:

And as I think more and more of my desire to share my beliefs and experiences with her, I am also thinking that perhaps for her, it is healthier to live with the illusion that I am her "innocent little boychik." Maybe I want to tell her these things, but maybe it would be better for her not to hear them. That's a real shitty situation right there. She's going through so much, she's gone through so much, do I really want to shatter the veil and tell her that her baby boy is a voracious consumer of entheogens?

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