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Anything is one of a million paths. There you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do.  But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.  I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately.  Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I have traversed, long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor's question has meaning now. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't.  One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it.  The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

...


For me there is only the travelling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, breathlessly.

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"I can't preach Scientism cause I don't believe it. I can't preach Buddhism cause I can't understand it. The only thing I can preach is the felt presence of immediate experience which for me came through the psychedelics, which are not drugs but plants. It's a perversion of language to try to derail this thing into talk of drugs. There are spirits in the natural world that come to us in this way and so far as I can tell this is the only way that they come to us that is rapid enough for it to have an impact upon us as a global population."  - McKenna

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I guess what's weighing me down and what has me thinking about this is that ever since Alex Grey's party I've been reading more and more articles on psychedelic research and on psychedelic philosophy and I've just realized that to me that is the path with the greatest heart. Not for everyone, but for me, I know it, I feel it. THis doesn't mean doing them constantly, it doesn't even mean doing them forever, but it means that I feel I want to be a part of that "scene" if that's what you want to call it. The "movement," however headless it may be.

I guess it's just really important to me that people be able to have these experiences. The illegality of it seriously pains me, and worse than that is the societal attitudes towards it. It means that when people do have these experiences, there is so much fear involved, because we live in a culture of fear.  I mean, the idea of the Police hangs over each and every one of our heads...it's insanity, truly.

And so I feel like I'm feeling this purpose coming on. Something I want to fight on behalf of. And hanging over that are the spectres of my mother and my sister.  With mysisterit's not as important but man, it really sucks I can't communicate to my mother at all the things I deeply believe in and support, the things that have shaped me into who I am, undeniably.  I can't do it for a couple of reasons. She's an older lady, not very healthy, and after years of my dad essentially running over her life like an out-of-control boxcar she is worn down. And she's supporting her kids the best way she can while our dad is just a prick, and I feel that she has so much stress now, and can barely get by financially on her own.

I want to talk to her and for her to know who I am at my core but I don't want to throw this on top of her pre-existing worries. I'm so afraid, and sure, that to her it'll be like I'm "throwing my life away to drugs" or some such balhooey.  For me to talk to my mother about it two things must occur:

a) I must reach a point where I can articulate my feelings and my positions on entheogens clearly.

b) I can attain financial success in the field of my choice (I am a writer, a writer of fictions) - anything I write, whether it's about drugs or doesn't feature a single scene or mention of any drug at all, will be influenced and informed by my experiences, because they are what I draw great strength and inspiration from.

So, b) would come as a result of a), which would lead to me communicating with my mother about who I am and where I'm coming from. Which I would need to do because I really want to get involved in activism, to some degree, even if it's not organized activism and more a self-contained activism, on behalf of psychedelics.  I mean, I want to take part in panel discussions and conferences on the topic, I want to be part of a culture of intelligent people who see this as an important phenomenon, not just a bunch of kids who want to see swirly wirly shit on the walls (though of course, that is a ton of fun!) People who are being creative in their lives and whose creativity is an outgrowth of their psychedelic experiences and who believe that everyone should have the right to have those experiences without fear or shame.

I just want the people I love the most to know who I am.  I'm so tired of the negative stigma attached to the things that I believe in so strongly.  I'm so sick of being an in-the-closet user of psychedelics to certain people in my life.

This whole paths that have heart thing is killing me. Because it makes me want to live a life far less restrained than the one I've been living. And that statement has nothing at all to do with doing drugs, either, I don't want you to think it means I want to "do drugs more," because I don't, I just want to be able to not live two lives on two paths. Because there aren't two paths. There is one path, and I am walking it, and I have to stop fooling myself into thinking I can walk two paths at once.

And you know it's not just my family I think about it because I think about my girlfriend and how I love her and just want to love her till the end of time, and how her parents would be just as freaked out as mine if one day she was like "Yes, well Danny's going to Switzerland next month to take part in the yearly LSD Symposium," because fucking hell I want to be there, drinking whiskey with some of the greatest minds in the world, bandying ideas around a table late night in some bar in the midst of Basel.

What's funny is that all of this can be reduced to one thing, and it's the same thing that stares me in the face every day of my life: the need to write. Because if I can be successful, both monetarily and spiritually (and by that I just mean deriving happiness and fulfillment from life) by writing about these things and ruminating on them, then I can be the Man of Knowledge that I want to be, and not have to worry about what these people think because by leading a life of strength and discipline and walking the path that has heart, I can prove that I am doing the Right Thing For Me.

I just need to vent this out, get this out, and I didn't know anyplace better to put it as far as the Shroomery goes, so, here you go. Take it, run with it.

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Progress of human civilization in the area of defining human freedom is not made from the top down. No king, no parliment, no government ever extended to the people more rights than the people insisted upon. And I think we've come to a place with this psychedelic issue. And we have the gay community as a model, and all the other communities, the ethnic communities. We simply have to say, Look: LSD has been around for fifty years now, we just celebrated the birthday. It ain't going away. WE are not going away. We are not slack-jawed, dazed, glazed, unemployable psychotic creeps. We are pillars of society. You can't run your computers, your fashion houses, your publishing houses, your damn magazines, you can't do anything in culture without psychedelic people in key positions. And this is the great unspoken of American Creativity. So I think it's basicly time to just come out of the closet and go, 'You know what, I'm stoned, and I'm proud.'

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:

I guess it's just really important to me that people be able to have these experiences. The illegality of it seriously pains me, and worse than that is the societal attitudes towards it. It means that when people do have these experiences, there is so much fear involved, because we live in a culture of fear. I mean [...] it's insanity, truly.

[...]

I really want to get involved in activism, to some degree, even if it's not organized activism and more a self-contained activism, on behalf of psychedelics. I mean, I want to take part in panel discussions and conferences on the topic, I want to be part of a culture of intelligent people who see this as an important phenomenon, not just a bunch of kids who want to see swirly wirly shit on the walls (though of course, that is a ton of fun!) People who are being creative in their lives and whose creativity is an outgrowth of their psychedelic experiences and who believe that everyone should have the right to have those experiences without fear or shame.

I just want the people I love the most to know who I am. I'm so tired of the negative stigma attached to the things that I believe in so strongly. I'm so sick of being an in-the-closet user of psychedelics to certain people in my life. [emphasis added]

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This line of thought has been weighing heavy on my mind for the past many weeks.  I empathize with your yearning for freedom, your desire to foster and proliferate intelligent discussions on the subject of consciousness manipulation, altered perspectives, and the psychedelic experience in general.  Likewise, your sadness and disappointment regarding the way in which our culture has made the chemically-induced exploration of our own minds a subject of taboo, both legally and socially, is also something that is really hitting home at the current juncture in my life. 

It is the social stigma in specific that is so relentless and unforgiving, that at times I wish I could flood the world with so much joy that one could not help but spontaneously embody a tolerance for all the varied modes of living in this odd experience we call reality.  Unfortunately this is not so easy.  We are all products of our environment and respective upbringings, and to shake these influences is no easy task, requiring significant introspection and a willingness to evaluate the self in the midst of its darker, selfish, and otherwise distasteful ways of being which we are often taught largely to ignore (yet taught not often enough, to un-learn or reform into something more positive).

It is an interesting parallel, your conflict in the free and honest expression (of your inner desires, intrigues, experiences, and ponderances) with your mother in regard to psychedelics; as I am now thrown into a similar trial with a new love of my life.  Though time spent with this woman is some of the most wonderful I've yet had the pleasure to experience, she has great trouble allowing me to express or to discuss my own perceived implications of psychedelic exploration, its responsible use and its potential benefits as I've come to understand them through my own historical dabbling into such volatile yet viscerally exciting and rewarding realms of mental expanse, thought, and consideration.

What then to do?  I have chosen for the time being to walk this path - one of intentional shielding - where I consciously censor my own language and action, as a sacrifice for my partner's mental comfort.  It is not that I need her to experience these things as I do, but rather that (as you similarly stated) I want her to know me for who I am completely, and to be able to listen with an open ear to my most intimate musings and reflections.  I want to share myself freely with her, what I have learned from my experiences, and to bounce these philosophies off of her as I would enjoy doing with any close friend of intelligent and open mind. 

Yet, the fact remains that she may become visibly disturbed and indeed intolerant upon any mention more than in passing, of psychedelics, their use, or their effects.. particularly if I attempt to encourage introspection into her own reasons for the defensive and discomforted mindstate she manifests when the given topic enters open discussion.  She will proclaim that it is not her intention nor desire for me to change my way of being, simply that she is uncomfortable around the given subject matter.  In other words, that I can do as I please on my own time, so long as when I am around her I restrain myself from sparking up that joint or from introspecting upon last week's psychedelic journey.  But then, is this not in effect an elusive ultimatum, a veiled requisite for me to change my habits in order to placate her insecurity?  Afterall, my own time has become blurred into a manifestation of our time, as we spend so much of it together. 

I have no desire to ask her to leave my house should I wish to pick up the guitar and engage a toke, and on the same token I would not expect her nor would I pressure her to join me in said toke.  Likewise she has habits and tendencies of which I am not thrilled, but will tolerate.  I only desire for her to be comfortable with me for who I am, completely.  Acceptance, tolerance, and an understanding of differing perspectives, even if only in such a way as to understand that we are indeed different but that it is perfectly wonderful to be different.  For the moment I will continue to walk this path, and perhaps this woman I love will find a way to feel comfortable with my chemical experience and interest in the mind and all of its possibilities.  I must however simultaneously accept that she may never be able to comfortably understand these things about me.  Fortunately I find myself with much time to spend, and this experience on the whole is full of heart, teaching me new things about myself, about interpersonal interactions, compromise, and life at large. 


You know what? I'm stoned, and I'm proud!

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kake said:
Try to explain to her that you don't use them to get fucked up - and that this is where the stigma originates from... people who abuse drugs.  Explain that they are tools for the right people. 

I would tell her she should stop being such a pussy and try it herself or not judge you.  No amount of reading will ever replace experience.  She will never understand fully unless she tries it.  If shes not willing to try it, then she has no right to judge you and you should tell it like it is and move on to someone who cares about YOU not about changing you to fit her selfish closeminded needs.

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Well she knows I use drugs spiritually and have strong opinions against using anything to just get fucked up on, but so does she. I've always wondered what it would be like if she did actually give entheogens a go and let me guide her a bit, but really I love her too much to force her to enjoy what I do, she has to do that herself. I guess I just want acceptance from her and it's not like she is closeminded either, it's just she believes so strongly against her partner using drugs. I just want both of us to be happy, and the easiest way to do that is for her to be more understanding and let me be who I want to be, but still be with her. She has said in the past that if I want to continue using drugs I could, but we couldn't be together. I guess I just need some links to educated sites that don't put the bad rap on the issue and show them to her. Other than that, I don't know what to do

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Veritas said:
2.  "I must reach a point where I can articulate my feelings and my positions on entheogens clearly."  You're already there. 

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Thank you very, very kindly.

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Icelander said:
I agree with Veritas here.  I also have found my heart in the neo-shamanic path. I suggest you keep reading further in the Castaneda books. They are a sort of road map for the warriors way of living. With out some attempt to live life as a warriors challenge a path with heart seems impossible. 

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kake said:
Robot, I wish we lived near each other man, we would make good pals, I think  I share your exact sentiments, and have for at least the past 4 years of my life.  I walk 2 paths-- it really pains me as well--and I know it is what is keeping me from accelerating toward my full potential as a human being.  That is why I am a member of Shroomery, because these issues are IMPORTANT to me and my life and my personal goals.

And you know what sucks?  There has always been a shade of doubt in my mind - that one day I'll shake this whole drug-phase and figure out it was all a bunch of hoopla.  That shade is undoubtedly a byproduct of that god-damned stigma that is embedded into our society.

And you know what else?  Each day, as my knowledge grows, as my social networks increase, as my experiences reiterate old truths and conjugate new ones, and my as original intuitions about psychedelics continue to solidify, that shade is nullified by more and more light.

I want to come clean about a lot of things with my parents as well.  I feel like I can't afford to wait - they're almost 50 and while still in good shape, we all know death can come at any time.  I feel like if I wait I will regret it, but I know if I don't express myself with full confidence and knowledge, they will think the same as you described... "throwing your life away to drugs".

I just want you to know, Robot, that I totally stand by you in these goals we truly share.  Life is too short not to be following the heartful paths.

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kake - plenty of time for us, spinning around on this crazy globe, to intersect once more. I vividly remember meeting you, albeit not spending too much time together, at the NE2K5 gathering. It's great to see someone feeling the same struggles.

Lately I have been thinking about this issue in terms of my mother and the willful obliviousness she exists within in regards to my drug usage. I think she deep down knows I at least smoke pot, and just conveniently covers up the fact for herself.  And as I think more and more of my desire to share my beliefs and experiences with her, I am also thinking that perhaps for her, it is healthier to live with the illusion that I am her "innocent little boychik."  Maybe I want to tell her these things, but maybe it would be better for her not to hear them.  That's a real shitty situation right there.  She's going through so much, she's gone through so much, do I really want to shatter the veil and tell her that her baby boy is a voracious consumer of entheogens?

I continue to turn these things over in my head, to think about and process them, and in the meantime I'm reading more and more on psychedelics, writing more about them, and trying to firm up my position.  And I'm engaging in an active battle against the stigmatization of psychedelics in our society and the stigma against people who use them.  This leads me to engage in dialogues about them with people who have no/little interest in them, and these experiences are teaching me to communicate more clearly what I personally got out of entheogens and what I think other people (though I firmly believe they are NOT for everyone) can get out of them as well.

I wanna thank you all for taking the time to take part in this little dialogue. (Though, "dialogue" is from di- meaning between two, isn't it? So I guess the Shroomery's thread system makes for pan-alogues. )  With all these stigmas we have to fight against, the Shroomery inevitably becomes, in the minds of the people I know and some that I love, "that drug website."  But you guys really mean the world to me, and it's a sacred thing to have a community of people who have all been deeply affected in their lives by these funky fresh molecules.

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hobbitcg said:
Make a choice. Logic might not work in that situation.

The best logic I can think of, however, is to say: look at me. I took those drugs that you never wanted your partner to take and I am still a good person; you still love me. That's the most important point I could think of.

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:

And as I think more and more of my desire to share my beliefs and experiences with her, I am also thinking that perhaps for her, it is healthier to live with the illusion that I am her "innocent little boychik." Maybe I want to tell her these things, but maybe it would be better for her not to hear them. That's a real shitty situation right there. She's going through so much, she's gone through so much, do I really want to shatter the veil and tell her that her baby boy is a voracious consumer of entheogens?

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First of all, a brief aside: Can I get an "amen" for the length of all the replies in this thread, as well as for the thought-out nature of them all?  It's refreshing, after spending most of my time in the Pub and OTD, to see a different kind of interaction in here, especially when I put so much effort into communicating my feelings in the original post. You guys rock.

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FatBath said:
I have had thoughts of expressing, if asked, that I do believe etheogens can be used for spiritually medicinal purposes, whether at work, to my family, or in a court of law.  I almost can't wait.  I sit and plot my grand monologue.  Then feel rediculous for ploting future dialogue. 

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Oh boy, I have certainly had this experience myself! It's important though and you shouldn't feel ridiculous though. You are teaching yourself how to talk about something you feel extremely strongly about, and it's something that a lot of people feel very uncomfortable about when it's brought up.  I can't suggest enough talking about entheogens with a wide range of different people...I'm slowly learning to shift from defensive attitudes about it to simply trying to spread information, which is a much healthier way of going about things. Don't just defend your own position, help people think about it from a different angle.

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:
I'm juggling sociology, anthropology, and theology at the moment. any opinions on all of the above are most welcome.

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badchad said:

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:
I'm juggling sociology, anthropology, and theology at the moment. any opinions on all of the above are most welcome.

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I think I mentioned this in another one of your threads but I'll offer my opinion again.

Usually when you go into higher education, you obtain your degree under the mentorship of a specific professor/advisor.  Within any of the above disciplines, a particular mentor is likely to have his/her own "style" or "approach" to how they perform and carry out research.

If I were you, I would identify someone who's work you admire, and then inquire whether or not they are accepting students.  You will be judged more on the work that you do in graduate school, and the specific degree title that you obtain will have little relevance.

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I'm in the process of doing that right n ow.

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I ask myself, what will it take for my mother, who I love so much, to support the more extreme of my decisions, my habits... It's not even just drugs/psychedelics/entheogens I want her to understnad...It's my unwillingness, perhaps even inability, to commit to traditional "career paths" and life structures. I don't care for a pension. I don't care for job security. All that means anything to me is creative fulfillment. Why should I make any decision that does anything but

a) gives me happiness
and
b) brings me closer to my long-term goals
?

I am the only person who knows what is truly right for me and it's true time for her to learn to trust me, my impulses, my idealism, my illogical (to her) desires. It's not reason that guides me at all times.

I know you love me, my dear mother, but how can I bring you closer to an understanding of me? In a way it's just like Alex, my father...you see me and my "success" in term sof finances and financial security. That makes me sad.

My choices are made and I'll lie in my bed. There's a whirring machine inside my head.
The gears are unaligned but I've got
a monkey wrench.
I'll twist things back together and throw them
underneath a sentence
Heaven is a truck that flattened out my
sensiblities.
You can peel me from the pavement but
you can't remove the street.
I'm a thing of liquid and I'm
swimming in a world of light.
We've got the same consistency
but I put up a fight.
I'm separate but I'm the same
I'm separate, but
I'm
the
same
the syncopated beat is happening
we can't defeat the deafening
we ride our steeds into the tide
as the unearthed sea begins to rise
I may not win the battle
but I'll emerge into the other side..

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kake said:
Robot, I wish we lived near each other man, we would make good pals, I think  I share your exact sentiments, and have for at least the past 4 years of my life.  I walk 2 paths-- it really pains me as well--and I know it is what is keeping me from accelerating toward my full potential as a human being.  That is why I am a member of Shroomery, because these issues are IMPORTANT to me and my life and my personal goals.

And you know what sucks?  There has always been a shade of doubt in my mind - that one day I'll shake this whole drug-phase and figure out it was all a bunch of hoopla.  That shade is undoubtedly a byproduct of that god-damned stigma that is embedded into our society.

And you know what else?  Each day, as my knowledge grows, as my social networks increase, as my experiences reiterate old truths and conjugate new ones, and my as original intuitions about psychedelics continue to solidify, that shade is nullified by more and more light.

I want to come clean about a lot of things with my parents as well.  I feel like I can't afford to wait - they're almost 50 and while still in good shape, we all know death can come at any time.  I feel like if I wait I will regret it, but I know if I don't express myself with full confidence and knowledge, they will think the same as you described... "throwing your life away to drugs".

I just want you to know, Robot, that I totally stand by you in these goals we truly share.  Life is too short not to be following the heartful paths.

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:
It went pretty well, all things considered.

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OneMoreRobot3021 said:
Hey guys. Thanks for the love and support and sorry for leaving you all hanging for details. I posted this from my mother's computer almost immediately after our conversation, when she had gone to bed, and didn't feel right going into detail about it from there when it had just happened...it's been a whirlwind few days, let me tell you. All's not well, but all's not lost, either.  This is a process, and it has only just begun.

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Simisu said:
whoa, i seem to remember one very long post a few years ago (well.. at least more then a year ago fr'sure) talking about your wish to come clean about who you are to yr family.

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Aye, that'd be this one!  What a beautiful thread to read, now, three and a half years later.

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Society said:
How'd you do it, OMR?

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I recently booked a round-trip flight for a week-long vacation in San Jose/San Francisco to attend the MAPS Psychedelic Science in the 21st Century Conference in April. In a way, as soon as I booked the flights (moreso than the conference tickets) I knew this was going to happen, but I wasn't necessarily looking to go out of my way and come out of the psychedelic closet to my mother. However, I did send her a copy of my itinerary.

A brief aside: My mother and I are INCREDIBLY close.  I'm her baby boy, she's my dear mother. We're very close, as are both of my sisters, and we're all close with one another. But I can't drive it home enough - I'm closer to my mother than the vast majority of my male friends are with theirs. I talk to her about everything all the time, love life and all.

She likes to know travel details as she is a Russian Jewish mother and therefore is in a perpetual state of exponential worry over her children.  So I sent her a copy of the itinerary and when I went over for dinner last Tuesday to watch LOST, afterwards she asked me why I was going to SF when I have never visited my sister in Moscow since she lived there. I began lying, as I often have to do when going to a Shroomery gathering or any sort of psychedelic-centered event, about the wheres and the whys. I said that it'd take me a full day to travel to Moscow, a full day to travel back, I wouldn't be able to spend too much time with my sister...and she said, "What's in San Francisco?"

I said, "Friends, some good concerts, you know. I've never been there."

And she, perceptive as ever, said, "Are you hiding something from me?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I am. I'm going to San Francisco to attend a conference."

"Oh god..what is this. Some movement, some cult?"

Already not off on a such a great foot, I muted the television and turned fully towards her and I said, "Well, I'll tell you all about it. It's a conference called Psychedelic Science in the 21st Century, and it has an amazing lineup of academics and amateurs all speaking about recent progress in research into psychedelics as therapeutic medicines and also as spiritual tools. It's a topic I'm really interested in - I read a lot about it, and I write about it as well."

[Another aside: I am the only member of my entire family that can say the word "spiritual" without puking. I am a believer in a sea of agnostics-at-best.]

"How can you write about it if you don't do it?"

"Well..."

"Oh god.  Oh no. No no no.  I can't believe this."

My details of the exact repartee at this point become hazy but I'll outline it for you. She asked what drugs I did, and I decided then and there that baby steps were necessary - you see my mother came to America from the USSR in the late 70's and raised her children during the Just Say No Reaganism of the 80's.  So I told her that I was an enthusiast of psychedelic mushrooms, and decided for now to leave LSD, MDxx and DMT out of the conversation.

The conversation started, then, to spiral out of control, as she began angrily proclaiming that mushrooms were just as bad as cocaine.  This was actually a wonderful opportunity for me, because I explained to her that one of the things I am working on writing about is the idea of our vocabulary when we talk about consciousness-alteration. I gave her a list of five things - her blood pressure medication, birth control pills, cocaine, mushrooms and aspirin - and told her that all of those were "drugs" and that clearly, just from that, we could see that English suffered from a poverty of language because already our debate was bogged down by this idea of "drugs are bad" so "just say no to drugs." I told her that Just Say No just wasn't a philosophy I could ever live my life according to, that I had to learn things for myself and think for myself and make my own decisions.

She asked how I had first come into it, and I told her in vivid detail about my first mushroom experience. I told her my reasoning for trying it - I am a writer, and had never been a visual person, and was curious about hallucinating.  But I also told her that I found the visual component of my first experience to be, while fascinating, far less interesting than the cerebral/intellectual aspects of the experience. And I told her that was the first day of the rest of my life.

Have I not grown and blossomed into a really social, happy person? I asked her.  After all, before I went off to college, I was a very unhappy person, alone and angry at the world, full of hatred.  It was truly that first mushroom experience that opened me to the idea of Joy as a way of life - I walked out of that experience realizing that Everything Is Going To Be Okay, and starting from that day I was a happier person.

My mother could accept that...honestly, she was being very reasonable about everything but I think that it was mostly due to shock. She was in such a deep state of shock that both anger and sadness were difficult emotions for her to access. That worked in my favor - I must tell you that for all our closeness, when I imagined this conversation, it often ended with me being asked to leave her house.

But she wanted to know why mushrooms? There are other ways of being a happy person and learning about yourself. Why do I keep doing them? They're dangerous. That was the biggest thing for her - They Are Dangerous.  And i told her, look, I don't want to insult you, but you're speaking from a place of ignorance when you say they are dangerous - you don't really know what the dangers are, if there are any, you just think that drugs are bad, and therefore dangerous.  I had to explain to her how they are nothing like cocaine, and she said fine but they transform your mind! This was a difficult point - we were mired in the "danger" zone for quite some time.  Finally, she (a survivor of two minor strokes, with many health problems) told me "I'm sorry, but I need a cigarette." She had "quit" a couple years ago but I had caught her a few months ago and we had argued over it.

BUT! Here was another amazing opportunity for me. See, I said something in that previous argument that I reminded her of - she was apologizing for smoking and I said, "Well, like I said last time we talked about you smoking - everyone has the right to put whatever they want in their own bodies as long as it doesn't harm anyone else."  She responded to that with a sort of begrudging silence, lit up her cancer stick, and sucked away at it.

She told me she thought these things were illegal for good reasons - and I told her that was a whole 'nother can of worms I was happy to delve into if she wanted, and I told her that I didn't mean this to sound mean or anything but that quite frankly for all her intelligence this was one topic I definitely was more knowledgeable about.  I told her that I get into these debates with people somewhat frequently, and that I've made it my business to be as knowledgeable as possible about the drug war and how drugs work, their history, etc.

She asked me, "What about LSD?"  Here, I still lied. I don't regret it - at least she agreed that mushrooms were "natural" and grew from the ground. I told her "I tried it once, but mushrooms are more for me."  She said "You're crazy!" And I said "Well, some people think if you do LSD once you do go crazy, but please remember-"

And THIS is something I recommend to ANYONE getting into this conversation with a parent/loved one who had no previous idea about your tripping tendencies-

"I am the exact same person right now that I was before we had this conversation."

This all went on about an hour and a half and then she went to bed.  We have spoken since then a couple of times - she says she is switching between shock and anger. SHe has spoken to my sisters and they tell me that her main concern is simply my safety.  So now, moving forward, I have to simply reassure her of the safety of psilocybin mushrooms. When she's ready, and she says she is not just yet, I am going to give her things to read including my own writing on the topic.

This is just the beginning, as I said, of a process. I hope that this is an ongoing, continually evolving dialogue between my mother and myself. I feel as if a tremendous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and that I can move forward in 2010 with great aplomb.  I am eager to see how my next trip unfolds, whenever it may be, now that this one monkey that was always on my back during my psychedelic experiences, is off running free.

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Todcasil said:

"Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal."

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Indeed. My sisters are a bit angry at me for destroying my mother's veil of blissful ignorance about my "drug" use, and I told them this exact quote.

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notapillow said:
i remember our little talk at the dinner after that tequila shindig

and im so glad you told her how you felt


love is love

no matter how confuning

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I tell ya, Pillow. Everything going on just then...margaret dying...you visiting...i think when we had that convo, I knew this was going to happen.

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trendal said:
Kudos to you, OMR, for your big reveal! I hope that the next few years are as enlightening for you and yours as they were for mine!!

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Thanks tren...we'll see where it leads.  All I know is I'm headed to the MAPS conference and I just volunteered to help put on the HorizonsNYC psychedelics conference in September. Hopefully having come out to my mother can lead to new and amazing opportunities of growth and contributing to the psychedelic community in any way possible.

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