I have tried mushrooms four times, with the fourth last weekend.
Time #1: 1.75 grams, I fasted for 8 hours and with my extremley fast metabolism I was hallucinating within 15 minutes and had to take a clonazepam, which I am prescribed. It killed the trip, not fun, but valuable in my mind, helped me work on overcoming my panic.
#2: .5 grams, Same mushrooms, Open eyed visuals, extreme euphoria, no anxiety, Great trip, not a learning tool, but fun.
#3: 1 gram, same mushrooms, medium panic set in within 30 minutes, took a small amount of clonazepam, enjoyed the trip, but mild trip becaus eof the clonazepam.
This most recent time: About 2.3 grams, extreme panic set in within 1 hour.
I couldn't move and lay face down in the dead leaves outside. I was determined not to back out and take Clonazepam, but I had to. My friend had a big clock, and he was playing with it. I was frightened when he started moving time forwards and backwards on the clock. This was my biggest dose so far, and up until until now things had swayed, and pulsed and I had some mindfuck, but this time the confusion and mindfuck was unbearable. I concluded that my panic attacks stemmed from time. Growing up, aging, death, leaving home, TIME is what I am afraid of. I didn't want to live anymore, not to die, buit to cease to exist. I felt like I used to when i was depressed, not a wish to die, but an apathy about life.
Finally I took a clonazepam, and I continued tripping. From this point on the trip was not as intense, but way more fun. I was able to function without panic and enjoyed the trip, feeling the prescence of the people (pilgrims and indians) who lived on the land before me, farming, building, and living here. I realized we were simply monkeys, and that every second we make tiny decisions which affect our life. I marveled at nature and how this world is made up of tiny atoms and molecules and cells.
I wrote this later that night
"Mist coming through the black trees and japanese pagodas everywhere. Little sparkles of light were coming from all around me and and Time stopped. started. stopped. went back. Then started again. Check the big metal clock tied to my arm. I am master of time, with the dial on the back, I can make time whenever I want.
Panic. oh shit. Panic. Lie down. Lie down low to the dirt, this isn't real. I have lost the time, my fooling with it has sent it out and down into nonexistence. The clock is wrong, and I have no other way to tell when NOW is. We grow and change, but there is no meaning, no reason.
I don't want to live anymore. The gears begin again. I hate time, and its endless movement. Monkeys, all of us. I feel and sense the people who lived on this land before, who came in wooden ships, who fished, and toiled and died and froze. And inside all of them, tiny particles, atoms, cells.
Thoughts slow to one descision at a time. Breathe. Live. Sit. Watch. Fear. Believe. Exist. Cold winds seep into my jacket as I lie facedown in the dead leaves, clouds across the pulsing sky behind me, wishing for this to stop. Why do I do this? I am a defective product, sheltered by society. This needless fear would not allow me to last in the wilds. But I have medicine which will make me alright.
Pills, Pills, Pills, clutch them, drop them, put them inside me. Stop the world, I'd like to get off please. Metal vehicles wich soar through the air, fake suns, twisted metal, hate, age, death. Nature is a platform for our constructs. Floors, shoes, metal, plastic separate us from the dirt. Sick, twisted, delusional, we must return to the soil. We must keep our feet in the dirt."
I'm planning on tripping this friday, but I have a few questions:
1. I don't want to take the easy way out and take clonazepam, with no difficulty, you don't learn anything, but I am chemically defective, and instead of regular panic, I am prone to crippling, agonizing, paralyzing FEAR. Should I take a small dose of clonazepam before I trip to stop some of the fear but let some through? Without the clonazepam I cannot enjoy any part of the trip, but it kills the trip somewhat and makes me feel like I cheated.
2. I have realized I am afraid of the passing of Time....what can I do about it? I have the knowledge from ym trip, how can I use it/integrate it?
Thanks for reading.
Edited by Cykon (11/06/06 11:31 PM)
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