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Offlinesignoffate
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I want to kill my Self
    #6211344 - 10/25/06 05:12 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

And it goes like this, I keep going through these mental images where I physicaly destroy my own body, Like I am another person violently kicking, punching, smashing the living shit out of myself.

Ok, I have got to admit that I am a pretty fucking messed up person. I don't have anyone to turn to, and I've generally been made to accept the fact that I am a loser... I can't say I don't have anyone who loves me, I know my family does, but my family is bunch of liers and their love is mostly self serving. That may sound like I don't love them, but I do... It's just that if you know what it feels like to be kept out of their lives with a wall of repressed emotion, and made to wait alone, then you might understand me here.
When I meet people I can relate to, I have this feeling like fresh water flowing through me, but for all they take they leave me with nothing, as if some spring gone dry and no direction to take. I feel this because no one I love has ever truly stuck with me. Seems like the problem is me, lacking some vital ingredient, unholy you could say... not fully able to recognise this disfunctionality, and inspite of my best effort, this bad seed cannot produce good fruit.

Say your were to kindly smile towards a homeless person, is it in hope that they feel your compassion? Is it an act of compassion to toss a quarter and feel good? Does the one who suffers feel blessed by this, that their crushed spirit is a means for another's self richeousness.



Well this was a waste of time.

Flame on...

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Offlinesoulcircus
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Registered: 05/09/06
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Re: I want to kill my Self *DELETED* [Re: signoffate]
    #6211360 - 10/25/06 05:17 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Post deleted by soulcircus

Reason for deletion: .


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: soulcircus]
    #6211437 - 10/25/06 05:41 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Instead of killing yourself, kill your scenery.  If you need a drastic change, pick up and start somewhere else :laugh:  Maybe you'll find hapiness somewhere else in the world if you can't find it at home.

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InvisibleMike_yy
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: signoffate]
    #6211472 - 10/25/06 05:49 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Say your were to kindly smile towards a homeless person, is it in hope that they feel your compassion? Is it an act of compassion to toss a quarter and feel good? Does the one who suffers feel blessed by this, that their crushed spirit is a means for another's self richeousness.




I treat and talk to homeless people exactly the same way that i do anyone else,, :smile:..

Quote:

It's just that if you know what it feels like to be kept out of their lives with a wall of repressed emotion, and made to wait alone, then you might understand me here.




Is this your repressed emotion or theres, maybe both as is my case ?
I do understand that feeling though.

Quote:

When I meet people I can relate to, I have this feeling like fresh water flowing through me, but for all they take they leave me with nothing, as if some spring gone dry and no direction to take. I feel this because no one I love has ever truly stuck with me. Seems like the problem is me, lacking some vital ingredient, unholy you could say... not fully able to recognise this disfunctionality, and inspite of my best effort, this bad seed cannot produce good fruit




It's not you man, change moves people on. If your in a situation where things don't change much then other peoples change seems 10x harder to handle.
Especially if you've been close and things have been said/shared between you..
Ive been/am in a similar situation and i feel as though ive lost someone, a close friend..
Fact is tho that things just changed,, i guess that person is still there, it's just that everything is different now and it's never going to work the same way again...

Lessons learnt,,, trying to move on !
I'm realizing it's down to my personal situation why i'm so affected by change,, i never realized that at first..
If your anything like me you don't want to die,, you just want things to be different.
With me realizing alot of the problems are to do with me and my situation i know where to start helping myself...




PS - Intelligence can be your best asset and your worst enemy.

Edited by Mike_yy (10/25/06 05:55 PM)

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OfflineDivided_Sky
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: Newbie]
    #6211491 - 10/25/06 05:53 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Be kinder to yourself. I think your anger toward your body and self are misdirected expressions of frustrations you have towards the world. You can blame others or blame yourself as if you are a worthless person, and it will make you want to harm yourself or lash out, but the problem is you are still blaming and not seeing your problems for what they really are. Everyone is flawed, and yet everyone deserves understanding and forgiveness.

Your circumstance may be what is causing the problem, or maybe an attitude it has taught you. Remember that nothing is innate and everything in your own mind is changeable if you want to change. Take care of yourself because you deserve love. If you are frustrated don't blame yourself, or anyone else. Just observe your life with compassion and try to understand what is tripping you up, and what kind of mentality and behaviors can make you happier.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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OfflineDucky_SJ
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Posts: 24
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #6211711 - 10/25/06 06:46 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

The advice I have to give is the simplest out of anyones' - Don't act irrationally. I know depression. I can't live without it and I refuse being on medication. I'm not pessimistic, i'm just a realist. I know life is a pointless, self-defeating game, but if I didn't recognise that fact i'd be more likely to blow my head off. You don't want to be obliviously, but blissfully happy. That's such a bullshit existance. But, seriously, look at in a different light and you will be a-okay, dude. I also agree that a change of scenery can help a lot. And, as for meeting new people and being left felt empty, the population of the United States is 300 million,(supposing you are in the states) as of last week. So, all that you have to do is meet some new people, and maybe smoke more weed. You might need a new hobbie as well. Something you haven't tried yet. I can tell how intelligent of a person you are by the way you disclose your feelings, and because of this, I know you'll catch my drift and work right through this rough time, but it doesn't mean that more rough times aren't ahead. Keep smart.
-Ducky


--------------------
When I die, Don't come to my funeral.

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InvisibleLiz
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: signoffate]
    #6211746 - 10/25/06 06:58 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Don't kill yourself. I'm sure you're young and have many good years left in front of you. It may not seem like it sometimes, but many people DO care about you, and will help, if you let them in and give them the chance. There are a lot of people on these boards who would be more than willing to talk and offer advice, or just listen. At least give people a chance to try to help. I've been depressed before, and it sucks...but you'll get through it.


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.



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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: Liz]
    #6211776 - 10/25/06 07:10 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

EDIT.
Use logic and decide what you should do. You can do tons of cool stuff that is better than dying.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

Edited by zippoz (10/29/06 05:47 AM)

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InvisibleLiz
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #6211803 - 10/25/06 07:22 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Call me crazy, but I think insulting someone and calling them a crybaby when they're already depressed may not be the best course of action here.  :rolleyes:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.



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Offlinesignoffate
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Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month
Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: Liz]
    #6212417 - 10/25/06 10:06 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks Liz, I'm happy to know you have my back, your a loving person.

I am feeling better now, I smoked a joint, it has helped me forget.  Earlier I got overwhelmed by my own oppressing emotions, it seems I only wanted to be reassured, if only through the shroomery.  :heartpump:

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Invisiblerod
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Registered: 06/29/05
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: signoffate]
    #6212487 - 10/25/06 10:23 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

I,m glad your feeling a little better now, things can
get a person down, especially with the crap in the world today.
Maybe find some new things to stay busy with. I know when I am
busy with things, I dont have time to feel down.
Good luck, Rod. :cool:

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InvisibleLiz
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: signoffate]
    #6213493 - 10/26/06 09:52 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.  I'm sure you can get through this, have some faith in yourself  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.



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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Registered: 06/15/02
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: signoffate]
    #6214190 - 10/26/06 01:14 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

I can understand the pain that you are going through.  What you are experiencing is depression and I have suffered mightily from it.  It is not fun.

If your family is causing you emotional turmoil...you should talk to them about it.  Don't let stuff like that fester and torment you.

Good luck.  :smile:

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OfflineLuSiD9
reality is plastic
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #6215732 - 10/26/06 09:35 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

dude I've been there, I was living on the streets, I was psychoticly depressed/suicidal (still have the impulse occasionly though i'm doing much better now) and it was -30 celsius (thats fucking cold!)  I was sitting against a skyscraper in downton Calgary Canada, hating myself and everything around me, and hungry as fuck :sad:... when this young women in a buissness suite made eye contact with me for a few seconds... this was odd because usualy people avoid eye contact with me as I am supposedly a very intimidating looking person, not to mention at that point I had a 1 1/2 foot blue mohawk with studded/spiked/patched leather jacket (stereotypical street punk)... anyway, I didn't think much of it while she then walked through the door I was sitting beside, about 5 mins later she came back out, I thought she was going to tell me to loiter somewhere else like most people would have, but instead she looked at me and said with a slightly foreign accent and tears dwelling in her eyes "I'm sorry for bothering you, but I have never seen eyes that lost before, here please take this and do what you want with it... just don't do that yet" and handed me a 20$ bill with a 10$ 'subway sandwich' coupon, I was fucking speechless, about 20 mins before this happened I was thinking that this was my last day and I was going to panhandle for enough money to buy a loaded handgun and just get it over with, I couldn't even say thanks before she walked back inside, I just looked at what she gave me and thought about what she just said for about 10 mins, completley stunned. I went and bought a 40 oz of malt liqour, a pack of smokes and a doobie, along with my 12 inch turkey breast sub. While I ate, drank and smoked (by myself), I decided I would grant her wish and not follow through with my plans... that was 7 years ago (i'm 25 now) and am soooooooo greatful for that women I will probably never see again, she saved my life... I now have an extremley happy 3 year old daughter that I love to death, who wouldn't exsist if it wasn't for her,  I live because of  them :heart:.     

The moral of the story is... the slightest thing you do for someone (even a stranger) can make a HUGE difference in their life, small random acts of kindness can save/create lives.

P.S. don't throw money at the homeless only because you will feel guilty if you don't, that is true selfishness. If you want to make a true difference in their life, sit down and ask them to tell you their story or buy them a meal... anything, just make sure you're sincere*, it could save a life.

*it's pretty obvious to the homeless when youre not.


--------------------
Nothing is true, everything is permissible.

Our laws make law impossible; our liberties destroy all freedom; our property is organized robbery; our morality an impudent hypocrisy; our wisdom is administered by inexperienced or mal-experienced dupes; our power wielded by cowards and weaklings; and our honour false in all its points. I am an enemy of the existing order for good reasons.

Edited by LuSiD9 (10/26/06 09:47 PM)

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OfflineSuchSmartMonkeys
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: Newbie]
    #6216207 - 10/26/06 11:05 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

signoffate said:
And it goes like this, I keep going through these mental images where I physicaly destroy my own body, Like I am another person violently kicking, punching, smashing the living shit out of myself. 

Ok, I have got to admit that I am a pretty fucking messed up person.  I don't have anyone to turn to, and I've generally been made to accept the fact that I am a loser... I can't say I don't have anyone who loves me, I know my family does, but my family is bunch of liers and their love is mostly self serving.  That may sound like I don't love them, but I do... It's just that if you know what it feels like to be kept out of their lives with a wall of repressed emotion, and made to wait alone, then you might understand me here. 
When I meet people I can relate to, I have this feeling like fresh water flowing through me, but for all they take they leave me with nothing, as if some spring gone dry and no direction to take.  I feel this because no one I love has ever truly stuck with me.  Seems like the problem is me, lacking some vital ingredient, unholy you could say... not fully able to recognise this disfunctionality, and inspite of my best effort, this bad seed cannot produce good fruit.

Say your were to kindly smile towards a homeless person, is it in hope that they feel your compassion?  Is it an act of compassion to toss a quarter and feel good?  Does the one who suffers feel blessed by this, that their crushed spirit is a means for another's self richeousness.



Well this was a waste of time.

Flame on...




fuck man, i feel the same way right now.  i'm in the same boat as you are....my family is supportive in the sense that they wouldn't let me go hungry and let me have a place to stay and shit, but they really don't seem to care for me at all, i can't  ever get their attention, and when i do, it's negative attention.  i have a couple good friends who i kick it with quite a bit, but no one who i feel really close to that i can talk to about personal shit.  The only person who i have really connected with in a long time was my ex-GF, who left me about 5 months ago, and it still fucking hurts so bad, and i have no one to talk to about anything.....i've been picturing myself dieing by either something really big falling on me from the sky like a giant rock or an airplane or something, or getting hit by something that is very big and moving really fast like a bus or a train, or something like that.


Quote:

NewbieShroomie said:
Instead of killing yourself, kill your scenery.  If you need a drastic change, pick up and start somewhere else :laugh:  Maybe you'll find hapiness somewhere else in the world if you can't find it at home.




i kind of came to this conclusion on my own, am currently working on trying to get my shit together and save some money up to go on some trips or something....i don't know though, i had been seeing my GF for a year and left to chile for a month, and camer back, she broke up with me over the phone the night i got back.  broke my fucking heart...


--------------------
[url=http:

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OfflineLuNaTiX
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Re: I want to kill my Self [Re: LuSiD9]
    #6219127 - 10/27/06 07:58 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

That was a great story, thanks for sharing that with us, I've been feeling a bit down, and that did help.


--------------------

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