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Invisibledaytripper23
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Registered: 06/22/05
Posts: 3,595
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interested in human psychology? Then help me out
    #5770152 - 06/19/06 10:27 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

This is quite complicated predictement of mine, so i dont really know how to order all this. Im just going to type it as it goes through my head.

Ok im a pretty paranoid/antisocial person right now. Im trying to help myself with this but not knowing the cause im not exactly sure how to go about it. When i am high i am completely paranoid of other people. also when i smoke weed i get really depressed. Its a really weird kind of depression, almost irrational. but also i feel like theres some truth to it. for example its like saying what the fuck were u thinking when u talked to that girl. Made an idiot of yourself. and its true i made an idiot of myself. But This same "voice" which always is analyzing and criticizing my actions, is what led me to make an idiot of myself. It isnt an actual voice but a point of view, but symbolically i will call it a voice. anyways, If i wasnt paranoid and so self critical i wouldnt have stuck my foot in my mouth. and its not only girls. girls its just exponentially worse. man i used to be good at talking with girls. now i cant even talk to guys. anyways...when i smoke and dont have to be around people, which is what i always try to do, this voice is still there. my mind goes back to recent conversations, and analyzes them in the same way. The conversation could be 2 days old and ill suddenly find an awkward moment in the conversation.."WAIT could he have gotten the wrong idea?" Its like this voice that is questioning this moment takes that awkward moment and it snowballs into man i suck i should kill myself. this voice is rational yet unrational. it somehow comes to this conclusion of kill urself u are worthless by logical means. by logically analyzing what he could have thought and what actions shouuld be taken. the voice accomplishes this by making thesse hypothetical decisions and analyses with a completely negative perspective. but then to think i shouuld kill myself over the most trivial thing, for someone i dont even care about too much at all is rediculous. laughable. irrational. I am sure as hell not going to kill myself. i love life. even right now in seclusion from society i love it. there used to be a part of me that would weigh my life on my social status. partying was what i loved to do. I would go out see friends, and also feel better about myself. I would pride myself on that. I was a cool person that lots of people liked. The only way i could abandon that was to pursue something else and that ended up to be music. Now that instead is my pride, and joy. It is also what keeps me sane. I am a music major.


This Voice is still here when not high, its just not nearly as prominent. I am pretty sure my antisocial tendencies developed from tripping though. Ive had one bad trip that could have led to it. I was incredibly naive and I took some mushies where i shouldnt have in the presence of someone i didnt completely trust. due to circumstances i couldnt leave either. worst vibes ever were coming from this person, and he was not tripping. Ive gone on vibes with those im good friends (both of us always tripping to feel it) with and as it wasnt a completley comfortable feeling. Through one glance two people can experience another persons entire life, but not. Really unexplainable. you might know what i mean and you might not. This person slowly became to notice that i was becoming increasingly distrusting of him. He tried to joke with me I think, in the way that he would. he didnt operate like most of my friends. kind of a crazy guy. always doing spontanious things to make people laugh. would kind of pick on u to get to know someone, and thats what he tried to do with me i think. He said "fuck your wife" with a smile on his face as a joke. because obviously i did have a wife. If i wasnt tripping i could have easily laughed it off or said something like fuck your mother. but due to my psychedelic state i could not bring myself into this game. shrooms kind of simplify everything and give one the big picture i guess. i cant really explain it. any ways all i could say was "why would u say that?" as if he had disrespected me. convo ended there. I think he tried to salvage things through the same method and i reacted in the same way. and just finally ended up saying dont look at me which really meant leave me alone in my tripped out state and he finally just started ripping on me with to the audience of my own friends. i was being unreasonable and they were friends with us both, so they couldnt do more than really say just leave the kid alone. i spent most of the rest of the night pretending to be asleep because i couldnt handle the vibes or the situation. it was not a proud moment in my life. sometimes i think things could have been fixed if i had stood up and just said what i really thought. That im sorry but i dont know u enough to even talk to you at this point. just leave me in peace. i ended up actually falling asleep and woke up the next morninng to just a few of my good friends hanging around. I went home. The next few times i visited, the presence of my new enemy created this bond that we had of that horrible trip. I could sense his vibes as if i was tripping. I tried to act naturally over the next couple times i visited, and he was always hanging out over there. I couldnt chill out so i stopped seeing that group of friends of mine altogether. I started avoiding all situations that this character could have taken part in. I had many groups of friends, and was acutally a popular guy then, so i didnt think it was a big deal.

This avoidence also seems like a completely different avoidence then what was soon to come, which was an avoidance of AWKWARDNESS. Now that i think of it thats what i am really afraid of it seems. this cycle i was speaking of earlier could be seen as fear of awkwardness, which makes me more awkward. my current avoidance of society is me sacrificing my social connections because i dont like to deal with the awkwardness. That might sound simple and trivial. but this awkwardness turned is in actuallity complete paranoia



That is only part of the story though and i dont think that the bad trip i had is the cause of my paranoia, if there is one certain cause for it. This voice didnt come until almost a year later. It was definatley a gradual process though. I Think i can almost pinpoint the time it started though, ironically when i conquered my panic attacks that i had started getting from weed. I never had a panic attack untill at least 7 months after my bad trip, so i doubt a connection there. actually i didnt even really believe that they were panic attacks, because i didnt really feel like i was paniccing. There was absolutely no social anxiety involved. It felt more like an INTENSE pain. panicky thoughts were not going though my head. fear of the next panic attack was the only panic there. I didnt stop smoking though, and they got worse. It got to the point where my tolerance was high enough that i would get pannicky before i even got high, which is very interesting to note. Makes it seem like i wasnt freaking out because i was high, i was freaking out because there was chemicals in my system. I finally decided to take a break, which was hard. I kept trying to go back at it but the panic attacks were still there. the longest break i took was about a month and i came back from that and it seemed i could controll the panic attacks. Either that or they just werent coming as hard anymore. I couldnt get nearly as high as i used to though, and i still cant. I think this was around the time i started avoiding social situations. it came on slow, just avoiding a party or something, but eventually i was avoiding talking to anyone in my dorm. It seems like these panic attacks were replaced by my social anxiety. Im really stressing the spereation of these two feelings because that how unrelated they feel, and i think that that is somehow important. I geuss i never really conquered my panic attacks, otherwise i would be able to get as high as i used to though. Ive gone taken many breaks from weed always to come back. Im on about a month long break right now and i never really think about it anymore. This half empty glass view is preventing me as using it to connect with music though. It sucks to listen to music when im high because i get my inspiration from music and its impossible to be inspired by the music when i this extrodinarily negative voice in my head is saying You suck, you could never create music like this. and even when i am feeling the music id feel the urge to pick up the guitar or sit at the piano and for some reason cannot play. it used to be an inhancer now it makes me feel like a retard when i play. This like the other aspects was a development over time. At first i could get over this certain point, where id say damn i sound good and i could play like hell. straight from the soul. but that hump became increasingly harder to get over. THis hump is there when im sober, but its not as hard to get over, and also there is not as much feeling than when im high after i get over it. sometimes i think its because my standards of music have risen, particualarly in the theory of it, and i am trying to do too much. my knowledge of the patterns on the guitar frets and patterns of keys on the piano cannot keep up with what i want to hear. but why cant i just simplify my style? i still love simple music as much if not more than i used to. if i cant handle the mental setbacks of being high, why not just play something more straightfoward? I can still be JUST as creative. Now i realize it! I cant improvise sober with other humans anymore. I can improvise damn good with a recording, i know for a fact. I improvise better with a recording now than when i was able to improvise with other musicians. this is simply because i have grown as a musician though. having nobody to impress but myself the hump is easy to get over. When i am high though, i cant even improvise to a recorrding anymore, because i cant impress myself. I spend my time writing songs on a trial and error basis nowdays. It has helped me really concentrate on my songwriting abilitys, but i miss the days of just jamming.I changed from a musician/songwriter to a songwriter. I merely lost something. Its just been masked by the fact that ive been growing as a songwriter the whole time.

Its suprising what you can learn about yourself when you just write it down.

The last time i sat down with my brother to jam, and couldnt. i gave up weed "for good". Its been a month. But according to what i just learned about myself what is the point? I do not believe that the weed is causing me to be avoident, because ive been completely antisocial this past month without weed in my system. It temporarily makes me antisocial for sure, but that doesnt matter because i wont be seeing anyone anyways. I feel like i was just blaming my frustration of not being able to jam anymore on marijuanna. I do still enjoy aspects of smoking weed so i would like to start again. But on the other hand, i would like to give it a longer break so i could mabey dissasociate COMPLETELY the feeling of getting high with the panic attacks. mabey give it a 2 year break or so.. From what i hear though, this does NOT work. And its not a matter of dissasociating these to feelings, but just having the right state of mind by being completely happy and confident.

Through the destruction and recreation of my ego, many a time, i have gained so much, that i cannot even explain.. musically, spiritually, and intelectually. I have also had some incredible beautiful moments tripping. Generally though lately my trips have been not so fun. i do not think that this is the drug telling me to keep away from it for a while, because i have also had that feeling before, and it usually follows a trip that i did not follow the way, that i got the wrong idea about something. I feel that i am still gaining very much insight, but its usually a hard ordeal. the joys are usually equallized by the pitfalls of sself analyzation. again i still feel that i am learning much from these trips, and they are benefitial to me. ive only had one bad trip, but ive had a few trips where i think i might have gotten the wrong idea about something and strayed from the way. and because of this i have been reborn as a spiritually sick being. This i believe most is whats making me paranoid. I plan on tripping alot this summer. I feel that i can mabey resolve this problem through tripping, if thats the way it started. The problem is i dont know exactly where i went wrong in my these trips i just know i went wrong somewhere, because later i saw obvious signs. I am planning on using the tibetin book of the dead as a guide, which i just recently discovered.


wow if you managed to get through that novel, what do you think of my plan? Also should i ditch this plan to quit smoking weed? If im going to be completely antisocial these next couple months, why not live it up a bit anyway?

THank you SO much for reading my story!
ANY insight would be greatly appreciated here

peace


--------------------
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!

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Invisibledaytripper23
?
Male

Registered: 06/22/05
Posts: 3,595
Loc: Flag
Re: interested in human psychology? Then help me out [Re: daytripper23]
    #5770175 - 06/19/06 10:31 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

O AND ADVISE!!
any advice you have whether it is in regards to music, life or drugs would be just great. If you dont understand my logic somewhere, or if u dont think it makes sense, tell me. this is only my own theory of what happened really.
THANKS!


--------------------
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!

Edited by daytripper23 (06/20/06 08:46 AM)

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