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OfflineHB
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Registered: 04/06/01
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Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion
    #4768375 - 10/07/05 10:22 AM (18 years, 5 months ago)

for the past year of my life, at the least, i've had anxiety every morning and at various times through the day ... this anxiety tends to be the worst when i'm in my room, or just at my house, but not always ...

a year ago, when i met my girlfriend, i was at the time on a strong fentanyl regimen ... 50 ug/hr patches on top of 3 to 4 800ug actiq lollipops a day ... on top of some scattered norcos and vicodin here and there ...

we met first at my friend's house ... i thought she was cute, but she truly liked me the second she saw me ... despite being passed out all the time on fentanyl, just smoking grips of medical weed all the time and frankly not amounting to anything ... i was in severe pains those days from not only my crohn's disease and IBS but also from the opiate addictions themselves, which began about the time i was diagnosed with these disease 3-4 years ago ... so i was addicted to opiates for 3 full years ...

one night my friend called me up and said that the girl who liked me wanted to come over to my house and hang out ... i was so excited that a girl liked me, having broken up out of another serious relationship which lasted multiple years just weeks prior to her coming over ...

she came over and we got to enjoy each other very fast ... too fast maybe ... we ended up having sex the first night ...

and after that point, we were obsessed with each other ... we saw each other as much as we could, but she had little time to spare as she was headed off to UC Santa Cruz not too long after we met ... weeks after, in fact ...

we were both depressed, i missed her so much when she left, and i know she missed me ... she missed me so much in fact, that during her first acid trip while at santa cruz, she had a horrible panic attack about missing me which lasted for days and required the use of enough xanax to keep her asleep until she decided to quit out of UCSC and move back ...

she was living with her parents but was kicked out of both homes for quitting out of college ... so my mom and i took her in because not only did i think we'd get along and have a great time, but i'd also be keeping her from sleeping on the street, which i would never allow ...

we got along great, but ... every morning, pure panic attacks upon waking from the dreadful opiate addiction, on top of severe pain attacks warranting an emergency room visit every other night or so to get shots of dilaudid ... i was cloudy mentally every day, just living opiate to opiate while trying to keep my life steady as possible through this serious pain and anxiety ... and my girlfriend was there EVERY SECOND of us going to the emergency room, when nobody else would ever even go ... she was ALWAYS there for me, never hesitated to spend money to keep me alive and going, supported everything i've done, EVERYTHING even when nobody else did ... defended me ... she is truly the most amazing girl in the world

she ended up helping me get off opiates for good, cold turkey, around the beginning of this year ... on top of that, she helped me find my way to an organic way of living, having quit all processed foods and wheat since i am allergic ... she's taught me how to cook my own food since i can't eat out, how to do anything and everything, how to just BE A MAN ...

and yet ... since quitting opiates, and getting my life and emotions and such back on track ... the anxiety has lessened and the pain is almost non-existant ... but still ... there has been a pin prick of panic in me every time ive conjured up the word relationship ... and the fact that i'm still living at home despite being 20 since i've had to deal with the addiction and the pain for so long ...

my sexual drive has become ... nothing at all ... i don't get horny, and when i do it is short-lived and unfocused ... before opiates and my previous meth(amphetamine) addictions, as a young guy, i remember very strongly that i had extreme horniness ... i could get off just like that,and my fantasies and such were directed and ... it just worked very well ... on top of that, my happiness was a lot easier to find and serenity was always around when i wanted it on tap ...

although i understand that i am no longer young and experiencing the world so fresh and brand new, i feel like something has happened ... i lost the transition between childhood and adulthood with the addictions, and it was like i was young one day, and then suddenly had to grow up so fast these past few months ... so fast i can't even say, it scares the shit out of me ... i get very uncomfortable thinking about the fact that very very soon i need to be out on my own ... i WANT it but i am also very scared ...

anyway ... i have this panic which drives me up the wall ... it started after a very terrible mushroom trip my girlfriend and i took at my house under poor conditions with a very low dose of very very intense mushrooms ... and this panic has been coming each time i've thought about the relationship ... i can't pinpoint ANYTHING wrong with the relationship as we NEVER fight or anything ... the ONLY thing i could say doesn't work is my sex drive, but i can't believe that would be my girlfriend's fault ... and i don't want to believe i'm so shallow that i could give up the most amazing seeming girl in the world over something so shallow ... but the anxiety kept recurring to the point where recently i told my girlfriend i needed a break ... andof course we found ourselves missing each other so much that we'd find ourselves back in each other's arms ...

and yesterday, i broke up with my girlfriend ... the panic had been killing me so intensely that there was no other choice ...

and did it solve it? i can't say it did ... in fact i just find myself crying in brief but powerful spurts every so often when i think about what i've done, about what i will be missing, with the girl who is so amazingly special in every way, the girl i was sure i'd be with forever, and she was sure too ...

the panic still comes this morning and lasnight throughout all the night along with terribly horrible nightmares, but the word relationship doesn't come up ... i just miss her and feel i don't deserve that much love and care, she deserves so much better than me ... she deserves the best in the world, and i just don't understand this anxiety ... even after the beautiful trip we took to sequoia, where i had found love and oneness with everything, this panic still stayed ...

i don't know what to think ... what could cause this degree of anxiety? is it, in fact, some aspect of the relationship that i'm not happy with? or am i blaming the relationship as a cover for something else that's really wrong, like the fact that i feel so out of control in my life, and that i'm not amounting to anything when i feel everybody else is doing things with their lives ... i'm unemployed, quit out of college due to health reasons, mostly broke and was kicked out my house the other day over a minor argument with my mom ...

i am back in my house, but it just doesn't matter ... what the FUCK is causing this degree of panic? it just isn't fair, and i feel like the biggest asshole in the world for what i did yesterday ... i really don't feel i deserve her, i miss her so much, i just DON'T GET IT ...

anybody who has any advice on this horribly complex situation, i'd appreciate it ... i'm seeing a hypnotherapist next week and have quit pot a few days ago so i can stay sober to keep my head on straight and get a grip on why this anxiety is so fierce, the source of it ... but even in this sober frame of mind, it just isn't coming to me ... all i get is panic, and no foundation that i can see ... i feel like the worst person in the world, and the most confused one, too ...

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OfflineKenny7822
Kenny
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Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: HB]
    #4768667 - 10/07/05 11:25 AM (18 years, 5 months ago)

Well, first of all I think you need to go get this girl back because she obviously means a lot to you. Then I think you should tell her everything you just told us so that she understands why you did what you did. Next, I think you should try and find a job so that you can save some money and try and get an apartment with your girl and maybe a few friends. As for the anxiety, I don't really know what to tell you about that but I'm sure you'll figure it out with time. Hope this helps a little and goodluck.

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OfflineHB
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Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: Kenny7822]
    #4768853 - 10/07/05 12:00 PM (18 years, 5 months ago)

Kenny -

thanks for the advice ... i totally agree, she means a lot to me, i guess i just question whether i see her now more as a really good friend or a girlfriend ...

for me, the break-up seems more to get my own life on track so i don't make any rash decisions ... like the one i just made yesterday ...

she's way beyond where i am, a year younger than me and she just got a $35,000/yr job on top of another job while going to college for what she loves doing ... and she's getting a bomb apartment soon, which until yesterday i was to move into, get a good job, and pay half the rent ... i'm so jealous even though i know she totally earned it, and i think that may be also what's getting in the way of me being able to be fully close with her ... i feel like i amount to nothing with no financial security and the feeling that my life-long passion of being able to draw really well was so compromised by the years of addiction that make me now feel like a shitty artist since i can't draw like i used to ...

i also wonder whether i do in fact need to experiment with another girl ... as i said i really dont feel horny ever but maybe im not letting myself see the world because i'm so wrapped up in the relationship ...

maybe i should really just get my own life on track and see how i feel ... with all these variables, i feel it's the only way to go ... and if she is still around and i feel comfortable asking if she wants to go out again, then i'll hope for the best ...

unfortunately, with the decision yesterday came the understanding that i could regret the decision the rest of my life ... i just had to follow my heart, despite lack of rationale for the decision ...

*sigh* i think that i think too much ...

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InvisibleSilversoul
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Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: HB]
    #4770155 - 10/07/05 05:01 PM (18 years, 5 months ago)

  • Get her back ASAP. Girls like that are extremely hard to find. And don't fool yourself with this "She deserves better" bullshit. I think she's in a better position to judge who deserves her love than you are. With a condition like yours, you're going to need a good woman to take care of you. But also learn to have your own lives separate from one another. A healthy relationship requires a good balance of "me" time and "us" time.

  • You mentioned anxiety about suddenly growing up so fast. I imagine that might be the source of your anxiety, or at least a source. I can relate. I've had deep panicks where I stress about what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life. And this is with 4 years of college under my belt.

    Remember that catastrophic acid trip I had last December?(or maybe you weren't around back then) I came to realize that it was largely brought about by subconscious feelings of worthlessness, and this sense that I wasn't amounting to shit. It sounds like you're going through a lot of the same feelings, so let me tell you what I did about it. I started a regiment of working out 3-4 days a week. I got out and socialized more. I made a point of getting my work done as soon as it was assigned.

    Basically, I got out and started living. Be more proactive. Set goals for yourself and work towards achieving them. It sounds like your anxiety attacks can be traced to a feeling of a lack of accomplishment. You need to set up things to accomplish. Don't shoot too high, but make realistic goals and do them so you can feel like you're getting something done. Then see if you still get panick attacks.

  • As far as what you're going to do with your life, just know that you've got a fuckload of artistic talent, and there are ways to cash in on that. A while back, I remember someone suggesting that you sell flash sheets to tattoo shops. I think this would be a great start. You also said something a while back about wanting to get an apprenticeship with a tattoo artist. I think you'd be great at it, though it's by no means the only option available to you. I wouldn't reccomend the kind of commercial graphics job that you had before. Obviously that was cramping your style, and you need a better outlet for your creativity.


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OfflineHB
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Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: Silversoul]
    #4772254 - 10/08/05 08:48 AM (18 years, 5 months ago)

thanks much for your words of wisdom ... i totally agree with your points ...

but for now, i think that to get a handle on how exactly i feel about the relationship, i need to spend enough time apart so that i have a more personal perspective on the situation ... i don't want to make the decision to be back with her if i'm not 100% about it because that would further strain our relationship ...

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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: HB]
    #4772655 - 10/08/05 11:27 AM (18 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

but for now, i think that to get a handle on how exactly i feel about the relationship, i need to spend enough time apart so that i have a more personal perspective on the situation ... i don't want to make the decision to be back with her if i'm not 100% about it because that would further strain our relationship ...





I agree, but like the previous poster said, you need to TELL her all of this, she might not have any idea what you're thinking.  You should also tell her sooner rather than later before she goes off and totally loses any further interest in the relationship, which would not be good for you at all.

Another thing, Paradigm is absolutley correct, go get her back right now.  She sounds like a great girl and you wanting to have time for yourself is fine, but you can still maintain a relationship with her.  Just make sure you get the time you need for yourself.  If you play it right and talk things out, all she can be for you is a positive in your life.  Everyone needs a positive. 



McKennaDMT :mushroom2: :mushroom2: :mushroom2:


--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.

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OfflineHB
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Registered: 04/06/01
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Re: anxiety/panic attacks; relationships; confusion [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #4772991 - 10/08/05 01:26 PM (18 years, 5 months ago)

thanks again for your very serious and very helpful input ... i definitely don't feel the need to have her out of my life, not ever, but the personal time is something i have indeed been missing for so long ... and that too is something i hadn't understood till now ...

i will let her know tonight when i see her with friends ... i think it would be key :smile:

thanks again for the outside perspectives, they are totally essential and definitely helpful !

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