for the past year of my life, at the least, i've had anxiety every morning and at various times through the day ... this anxiety tends to be the worst when i'm in my room, or just at my house, but not always ...
a year ago, when i met my girlfriend, i was at the time on a strong fentanyl regimen ... 50 ug/hr patches on top of 3 to 4 800ug actiq lollipops a day ... on top of some scattered norcos and vicodin here and there ...
we met first at my friend's house ... i thought she was cute, but she truly liked me the second she saw me ... despite being passed out all the time on fentanyl, just smoking grips of medical weed all the time and frankly not amounting to anything ... i was in severe pains those days from not only my crohn's disease and IBS but also from the opiate addictions themselves, which began about the time i was diagnosed with these disease 3-4 years ago ... so i was addicted to opiates for 3 full years ...
one night my friend called me up and said that the girl who liked me wanted to come over to my house and hang out ... i was so excited that a girl liked me, having broken up out of another serious relationship which lasted multiple years just weeks prior to her coming over ...
she came over and we got to enjoy each other very fast ... too fast maybe ... we ended up having sex the first night ...
and after that point, we were obsessed with each other ... we saw each other as much as we could, but she had little time to spare as she was headed off to UC Santa Cruz not too long after we met ... weeks after, in fact ...
we were both depressed, i missed her so much when she left, and i know she missed me ... she missed me so much in fact, that during her first acid trip while at santa cruz, she had a horrible panic attack about missing me which lasted for days and required the use of enough xanax to keep her asleep until she decided to quit out of UCSC and move back ...
she was living with her parents but was kicked out of both homes for quitting out of college ... so my mom and i took her in because not only did i think we'd get along and have a great time, but i'd also be keeping her from sleeping on the street, which i would never allow ...
we got along great, but ... every morning, pure panic attacks upon waking from the dreadful opiate addiction, on top of severe pain attacks warranting an emergency room visit every other night or so to get shots of dilaudid ... i was cloudy mentally every day, just living opiate to opiate while trying to keep my life steady as possible through this serious pain and anxiety ... and my girlfriend was there EVERY SECOND of us going to the emergency room, when nobody else would ever even go ... she was ALWAYS there for me, never hesitated to spend money to keep me alive and going, supported everything i've done, EVERYTHING even when nobody else did ... defended me ... she is truly the most amazing girl in the world
she ended up helping me get off opiates for good, cold turkey, around the beginning of this year ... on top of that, she helped me find my way to an organic way of living, having quit all processed foods and wheat since i am allergic ... she's taught me how to cook my own food since i can't eat out, how to do anything and everything, how to just BE A MAN ...
and yet ... since quitting opiates, and getting my life and emotions and such back on track ... the anxiety has lessened and the pain is almost non-existant ... but still ... there has been a pin prick of panic in me every time ive conjured up the word relationship ... and the fact that i'm still living at home despite being 20 since i've had to deal with the addiction and the pain for so long ...
my sexual drive has become ... nothing at all ... i don't get horny, and when i do it is short-lived and unfocused ... before opiates and my previous meth(amphetamine) addictions, as a young guy, i remember very strongly that i had extreme horniness ... i could get off just like that,and my fantasies and such were directed and ... it just worked very well ... on top of that, my happiness was a lot easier to find and serenity was always around when i wanted it on tap ...
although i understand that i am no longer young and experiencing the world so fresh and brand new, i feel like something has happened ... i lost the transition between childhood and adulthood with the addictions, and it was like i was young one day, and then suddenly had to grow up so fast these past few months ... so fast i can't even say, it scares the shit out of me ... i get very uncomfortable thinking about the fact that very very soon i need to be out on my own ... i WANT it but i am also very scared ...
anyway ... i have this panic which drives me up the wall ... it started after a very terrible mushroom trip my girlfriend and i took at my house under poor conditions with a very low dose of very very intense mushrooms ... and this panic has been coming each time i've thought about the relationship ... i can't pinpoint ANYTHING wrong with the relationship as we NEVER fight or anything ... the ONLY thing i could say doesn't work is my sex drive, but i can't believe that would be my girlfriend's fault ... and i don't want to believe i'm so shallow that i could give up the most amazing seeming girl in the world over something so shallow ... but the anxiety kept recurring to the point where recently i told my girlfriend i needed a break ... andof course we found ourselves missing each other so much that we'd find ourselves back in each other's arms ...
and yesterday, i broke up with my girlfriend ... the panic had been killing me so intensely that there was no other choice ...
and did it solve it? i can't say it did ... in fact i just find myself crying in brief but powerful spurts every so often when i think about what i've done, about what i will be missing, with the girl who is so amazingly special in every way, the girl i was sure i'd be with forever, and she was sure too ...
the panic still comes this morning and lasnight throughout all the night along with terribly horrible nightmares, but the word relationship doesn't come up ... i just miss her and feel i don't deserve that much love and care, she deserves so much better than me ... she deserves the best in the world, and i just don't understand this anxiety ... even after the beautiful trip we took to sequoia, where i had found love and oneness with everything, this panic still stayed ...
i don't know what to think ... what could cause this degree of anxiety? is it, in fact, some aspect of the relationship that i'm not happy with? or am i blaming the relationship as a cover for something else that's really wrong, like the fact that i feel so out of control in my life, and that i'm not amounting to anything when i feel everybody else is doing things with their lives ... i'm unemployed, quit out of college due to health reasons, mostly broke and was kicked out my house the other day over a minor argument with my mom ...
i am back in my house, but it just doesn't matter ... what the FUCK is causing this degree of panic? it just isn't fair, and i feel like the biggest asshole in the world for what i did yesterday ... i really don't feel i deserve her, i miss her so much, i just DON'T GET IT ...
anybody who has any advice on this horribly complex situation, i'd appreciate it ... i'm seeing a hypnotherapist next week and have quit pot a few days ago so i can stay sober to keep my head on straight and get a grip on why this anxiety is so fierce, the source of it ... but even in this sober frame of mind, it just isn't coming to me ... all i get is panic, and no foundation that i can see ... i feel like the worst person in the world, and the most confused one, too ...
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Kenny -
thanks for the advice ... i totally agree, she means a lot to me, i guess i just question whether i see her now more as a really good friend or a girlfriend ...
for me, the break-up seems more to get my own life on track so i don't make any rash decisions ... like the one i just made yesterday ...
she's way beyond where i am, a year younger than me and she just got a $35,000/yr job on top of another job while going to college for what she loves doing ... and she's getting a bomb apartment soon, which until yesterday i was to move into, get a good job, and pay half the rent ... i'm so jealous even though i know she totally earned it, and i think that may be also what's getting in the way of me being able to be fully close with her ... i feel like i amount to nothing with no financial security and the feeling that my life-long passion of being able to draw really well was so compromised by the years of addiction that make me now feel like a shitty artist since i can't draw like i used to ...
i also wonder whether i do in fact need to experiment with another girl ... as i said i really dont feel horny ever but maybe im not letting myself see the world because i'm so wrapped up in the relationship ...
maybe i should really just get my own life on track and see how i feel ... with all these variables, i feel it's the only way to go ... and if she is still around and i feel comfortable asking if she wants to go out again, then i'll hope for the best ...
unfortunately, with the decision yesterday came the understanding that i could regret the decision the rest of my life ... i just had to follow my heart, despite lack of rationale for the decision ...
*sigh* i think that i think too much ...
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