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Invisiblepoke smot!
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I dislike myself.
    #4108523 - 04/28/05 09:41 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I've concluded that I do not like myself. I do self-destructive things because of this. I can get angry, anxious, etc. I also sometimes take drugs to solve this problem temporarily, however lately I've been working on not using.

As long as I dislike myself, I will continue to relapse. I just can't figure out how to make that switch and just love myself. Why? I had a good upbringing and great parents that were very supportive. But I brought on a lot of this shit myself.

I always outcasted myself, and let people step all over me in school. Although I've grown a lot, I still have a lot of self-hate eating away at me. Now, mostly the only person who steps all over me and makes me feel bad, is me.

Does anyone have any advice? How can I begin to change? What can I do to start loving myself? I also want to say that it's true that you cannot love someone else if you don't love yourself, and I get very lonely from not being able to connect.

I have good friends which have similar experiences. Why is it that the friends who had horrible parents and bad upbringings, who went through the same shit, found a way out? I just am having trouble breaking the cycle. Please, someone tell me where I should start. I'm sure that someone in here has some similar experience to speak from.

Thanks in advance for reading.


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4108556 - 04/28/05 09:54 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Man, are we the same person? I wish I had an answer for you.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4108610 - 04/28/05 10:10 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

This is very tricky...I wrote a whole post and then deleted it because I'm not sure what I can say that would be helpful.  Plus I'm running a high fever but here goes...

Learning to love yourself is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do.  I believe that many people go through life without loving or liking themselves, and many of them simply accept it without question. 

The fact that you are aware of yourself enough to KNOW that you want to evoke a change in your life gives you an advantage.  You're off to a great start simply by writing this post. 

My own self-image seems to be on a continous rollarcoaster.  One day I love myself and think I am doing well, the next day I can't stand to be me.  My problem is guilt.  I feel guilty for things that I've done and even things that I haven't done.  So I put myself through a constant state of blame. 

Poke Smot...I think one thing needs to be said.  It was said to me by a spirit on an Ayahuasca trip, and I think the same thing applies to you too.  "You are an okay person."  I know I'm just saying this based on your posts on the net, but I feel it is true. 

I think everyone has aspects of themselves that they dislike.  It's our shadows, the part of us that we don't want to (or are too scared to) think about.  My only advice is to find out what exactly you dislike about yourself.  Pinpoint the problem, and then you can start healing the wound.  It might also be beneficial to think about what you LIKE about yourself.  Everyone has bad and good qualities.

One thing that has helped me improve my self-image is exercise.  You'd be surprised how true the phrase "healthy body, healthy mind," really is.  I don't know if you exercise or not, but just working out on a regular basis might help.  Also I found that forcing myself to think and speak slower assisted in some of the communication problems I was having.  (still have, but getting better)

Please remember not to blame yourself for feeling this way.  The blame only swallows up the healing.  It doesn't matter how you GOT to feeling that way.  Right now, all that matters is that you CAN take action and start to make changes.  It's easier said then done, but it can be done.  Be gentle with yourself as this will be a gradual and continous process. 

I wish we could all love ourselves like we want to love another.  :heart:

Good luck.  :sun:


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: MOTH]
    #4108719 - 04/28/05 10:41 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:
I wish we could all love ourselves like we want to love another.  :heart:





If that's not the quote of the century then I don't know what is. You get 5 shrooms for that.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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OfflineWysefool
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: MOTH]
    #4108780 - 04/28/05 10:51 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

beautiful words Ellemysh


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Invisiblepoke smot!
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: MOTH]
    #4109451 - 04/29/05 02:29 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I don't know what to say.... except, EllemyshShade, thank you.

It makes me feel better knowing that I am aware of this, and that is a head start on going in the right direction.

Take care.


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InvisibleCosmicJoke
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4109649 - 04/29/05 04:06 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

simple pleasures, bro.... take the time to figure out all the little things, maybe which soap feels best on your skin. seriously, just try that for starters.


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I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob.
Goo goo g'joob goo


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OfflineMobius_Strip
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: CosmicJoke]
    #4110692 - 04/29/05 01:05 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

EllemyshShade... Mobius shakes head vigorously in agreement. Touching man, very touching.

CosmicJoke... For real. Simple pleasures is what it's all about my man. Learning to enjoy small things makes the big things that much bigger.


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The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate
-Noam Chomsky


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4110828 - 04/29/05 01:38 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Poke, I'm going to tell you that most people feel the way you do to one degree or another. You are not alone here. In the end you will have to find your own way to unconditional self acceptance.

I really didn't start loving myself as I was, ( and that is the key) until I reached my 49th year. Yet I knew what my problem was to some degree when I was 18 to 20. I had to do alot of living and suffering to prepare me for the change which changed everything.

OK, I'm going to share what may work for you. You and I and everyone are different and timing is everything. So if this doesn't make sense just disregard it. You will need 2 days to yourself alone. More is better if you can. You need a warm comfortable dark room with a comfortable place to lie down and a full length pillow. No music or sound at all. You will need to find 2 hits of pure XTC. You need to purchase a book called. The Handbook to Higher Consciousness, by Ken Keyes. Don't let the title scare you. It's very short, and will give you in a couple of pages everything you need to hear when you are in an open state. Now take one hit of XTC, get naked and get comfortable with the bed and pillow. Take the time to think about everything thats wrong and everything you feel. Tell yourself the whole truth. After 1 hour, take one half to all of the other hit. Depends on body weight. If you're slight 1/2 will do, if its  pure. Try to get the real deal. Then let what ever happens happen. Don't try for anything. When you start to come down, start reading the book. Later take a long walk alone in a beatiful woods if possible.  Then just kick back and let life take over. :heart: :mushroom2: This technique is no joke. Yet it will not work for everyone the same.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleToiletDuk
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4111308 - 04/29/05 03:47 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

poke smot! said:
It makes me feel better knowing that I am aware of this, and that is a head start on going in the right direction.






Indeed it is. I can't add much to Ellemy's posting except to wish you good luck on your journey...

:thumbup:


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Invisiblereflectedlight
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4111346 - 04/29/05 03:59 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Have compassion for yourself and your mistakes, and have compassion for others who suffer with you. Have faith that things will get better, and try your hardest to make them better, improve yourself, your abilities. <This is what I'm trying to do to end my self destructive pattern. I hope you pull through. : )


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at this point i think we can be relatively certain seperation exists as a fallacy of finite perception, and the only barrier to infinite creativity is a preimposed notion of certainty and artificial conditioning. nothing is without origin


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4112537 - 04/29/05 10:26 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Stop caring so much, take a step back and relax for a while. Stop trying to like yourself, and love yourself. To try anything implies uncertainty, just "do".

Stop doing drugs for those reasons; stop beating yourself up, their is no reason to... unless you somehow believe that you are wrong as a person, and blame yourself for everything that befalls you.

Change your opinion of the world, and yourself, and change your beliefs to fit yourself, or adhere to your self-destruction fully. Either will work, one is a lot more beneficial.

Learn better ways to cope, be yourself, and let it flow.

If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious sperm in your group. - anon of ibid

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and (will) be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others. Martha Graham, to Agnes DeMille


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"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.


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Invisiblepoke smot!
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: Psychoactive1984]
    #4112616 - 04/29/05 11:10 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I love you guys, I have hope that things will get better. I need to start doing things for myself again.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4112757 - 04/29/05 11:58 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

poke smot! said:
I love you guys, I have hope that things will get better. I need to start doing things for myself again.




That right there says a lot, man. You're going to pull out of this one.  :heart:


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4112971 - 04/30/05 12:51 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

poke smot! said:
I love you guys, I have hope that things will get better. I need to start doing things for myself again.




Great! Blessings and Love. :thumbup: :heart: :smile:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinestarseed1066
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: Icelander]
    #4114115 - 04/30/05 11:09 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

thats a great statement to make.

i had to move to a different state and start over with next to nothing to learn how to do things for myself after all these years. this is not to say i dont still have a few issues lying about, but i feel better physically (especially since i got back in shape) and mentally than i have in years.

no scratch that. better than ever.

good luck man.


--------------------
Under his instruction, I taped drumsticks to his head and turned him into a sort of mummy, or perhaps a caterpiller in a cocoon. He remains this way for about three hours, making bizarre noises, pretending to be a new species that must learn to walk and talk and eat, etc. And he communicates with other life forms by way of the antennae on his head. Eventually we jam a tube from a waterbong into it's mouth and figure he's learned all he needs to know.


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Invisiblepoke smot!
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: starseed1066]
    #4114247 - 04/30/05 11:59 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks.

I'm such an addict and I think I'm dwelling in the bad thoughts.

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety today. I just want to use to make it go away, but I know this is not the answer. I want to use and push it off to another day, just so I can bear today.

I nourish the anxiety and let it consume me, and from there I get raging emotions of anger. I want to be pissed off at everyone, and throw my fist through a wall or do something else self-destructive.

I think it's sick, all the thoughts I get. My mom offered to take me to the psychiatrist again, but I feel that might not help.

The thought of getting put back on another non-addictive antianxiety med leads to more fucked up thoughts. Like, what if I go and take something, and it doesn't work immediately (because that's what I'm addicted to, instant gratification), and when it doesn't work and I get deeper into my negative emotions, I can blame it on the latest drug I'm taking, and the psychiatrist, and everything else.

From there I think, hey, if I do something irrational like kill myself, that will show them. I know this is wrong. But that doesn't keep the thoughts of suicide out. I think about how I would do it, how it would look, etc etc. further driving me into insanity and raging anxiety.

Sometimes I can take my mind off it. Like fooling around with the cat with my laser pointer. In those moments I forget that I'm all fucked up.

But when I'm left to my own devices, and left to decide what to do next, that's when the anxiety starts to bite me in the ass. And if during this state I decide, fuck it, I'm gonna do x or y, then while I'm doing that I'm still thinking about the anxiety and it continues to progress.

This is the most difficult time, since I've identified my problem and I choose to dwell in it rather than change or just accept, or do what is necessary to change my perspective on things.

Today I really feel like using. I just want a benzo to take away the anxiety, but I know this is not the solution. I could go grab a beer, but with that I risk being more depressed and anxious on the ass end.


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OfflinePowerTrip
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: MOTH]
    #4114502 - 04/30/05 01:56 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:
One thing that has helped me improve my self-image is exercise. You'd be surprised how true the phrase "healthy body, healthy mind," really is. I don't know if you exercise or not, but just working out on a regular basis might help.




I have to agree with this completely. When I was younger I was full of insecurity about myself and I did not feel a great deal of self worth. I began lifting weights religiously and it has changed my life forever. Once you see how your hard work is paying off you will realize the power and control you have over your life. You will feel good about what you accomplished. I just got back from running at the park and there is no greater high in the world than the natural one your body gives you after intense exercise. Everything just falls into place.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: PowerTrip]
    #4114611 - 04/30/05 02:34 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I really need to get myself in better shape. poke smot!.....I struggle with a lot of the same shit, trust to yourself, know that you're a good person....you'll make it, no matter how fucked up this world is and this shitty this world seems to treat you. Faith & hope, along with hard work to keep healthy, mentally physically and spiritually will bring you to your potential...keep telling yourself that and believe it, that's what gets me through the downward spirals.  :sun: :peace:


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Shroomism said: 2. This post sucks balls and has no content


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InvisibleJared
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Re: I dislike myself. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4130303 - 05/04/05 12:19 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Why is it that the friends who had horrible parents and bad upbringings, who went through the same shit, found a way out?




They were forced to start earlier on a solution. :wink:


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