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 PoopyGonzales
Teenage Delinquent
 
Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 378
Loc: Australia, A.C.T 
Last seen: 1 day, 21 hours
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 like my quick poem?? (would like criticism) 
#16525515 - 07/13/12 03:03 PM (10 months, 5 days ago) |
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Hey there to anyone who takes their time out to read this, sorry if its a bit un readable, am typing on my phone, and am a tad fried on amps
As i said in the title i would like anyone who reads it to leave a comment if they can.
Just curious to see what ppl think coming from someone who didnt finish 9th grade. I waned to start writing my own lyrics and wanted to know if ppl had tips, pointers, or just wanted to hang shot on something i wrote in 10 minutes......
Here goes....
Untitled....
Back to the beginning,
The story starts anew,
Time to ditch all of my regrets,
Because i know i have a few,
And although i try my best,
I still blame it on the rest,
But earning self control,
Is a self learned test,
Ive got problems stuck to my chest,
And suffer heavy breathing,
And when i drop my weights,
The thoughts are so releiving,
Its as if im coming last place,
In this malevolent human race,
But in a race with no finish line,
Will the winners show their face,
It may not seem much too ask,
To have everything you want,
But when illusioned with consumerism,
Material goods will be your only fault,
Wantings serves greed,
But needing trains survival,
With new lessons of wisdom,
Comes the human races revival,
And from the ashed of the Phoenix,
Raised our majestic words,
When living for eternity,
Your voice will echo through the worlds.
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jack_straw2208
Doctor
Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 871
Loc: yo mamma's house
Last seen: 1 day, 13 hours
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Re: like my quick poem?? (would like criticism) [Re: PoopyGonzales]
#16525625 - 07/13/12 03:30 PM (10 months, 5 days ago) |
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make it a song. Try not to throw it away in the morning, I have a bad habit of crashing and hating anything I wrote while high.
Def an amp poem, good meter, yo.
--------------------
I'm pullin' steel wires out of my eyes
they're 20 miles long tangled up with my all insides
DieCommie said:
cut off her nose to spider face
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PoopyGonzales
Teenage Delinquent
Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 378
Loc: Australia, A.C.T
Last seen: 1 day, 21 hours
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Re: like my quick poem?? (would like criticism) [Re: jack_straw2208]
#16525671 - 07/13/12 03:39 PM (10 months, 5 days ago) |
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Cheers, nah i never lose my writing, been goin at iy since was 14,
Hers another one i done this mornin haha
When im feeling a little stressed,
Or what some may call depressed,
I just play my favourite tunes
And forget all of the rest,
Nuthings removes the fear,
Like a defined bassline in the ear
And when things may be cloudy,
The melody makes it clear,
Now i may have nowhere to go,
And no way of getting there,
But once that rythm starts tapping,
It clears the tension in the air,
And it may taste fresh,
But its still missing a little zezt,
We need a harmony in here,
To keep the crowd impressed,
And now the musics flowing,
All my problems are now going,
I could no longer care,
That problems were ever there.
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jack_straw2208
Doctor
Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 871
Loc: yo mamma's house
Last seen: 1 day, 13 hours
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Re: like my quick poem?? (would like criticism) [Re: PoopyGonzales]
#16529094 - 07/14/12 07:05 AM (10 months, 4 days ago) |
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very nice
--------------------
I'm pullin' steel wires out of my eyes
they're 20 miles long tangled up with my all insides
DieCommie said:
cut off her nose to spider face
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