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Anonymous said:
When I saw her again for the first time I could tell she regretted it. She remembered how fun it was hanging out. But I wasn't about to go back to her after she hurt me like that.

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So, someone you love and really cared about also feels the same way about you, she realizes she regrets the decision she made, but you've dedicated yourself to closely yourself off completely from her. IMO you're totally prioritizing the wrong feelings, and I don't know where it's really going to get you. So it hurt, big deal. That is life, especially when people are really close, open, and love each other. You're punishing both of you in an attempt to protect yourself. You're essentially saying to her, "even if you made a mistake and hurt me, and you seem to realize you made a mistake, I'm condemning both of us to never enjoy each other's presence ever again! muahahha!"
I'm sorry but I don't think I can reiterate to a great enough extent how mistaken I think you are being.

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I don't want her in my life anymore. I want her as a  memory.

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Azure Essence said:
No sense second guessing things now.

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Why not? He can't rethink things, or change his mind?

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Anonymous said:
I decided to text back a really general response. Just a "not bad and you?". I think she'll get the message that I'm not interested in being friends.

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i find with relationships (and in life in general) it's best to be honest and direct, as opposed to hiding or repressing your feelings and hoping that other people will read your mind. 

be brave, in life and love!  speak your mind and see what flows.  you should call her and tell her exactly how you feel.  tell her everything you wrote in the OP word for word and then go from there.

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yogabunny said:

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Anonymous said:
I decided to text back a really general response. Just a "not bad and you?". I think she'll get the message that I'm not interested in being friends.

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i find with relationships (and in life in general) it's best to be honest and direct, as opposed to hiding or repressing your feelings and hoping that other people will read your mind. 

be brave, in life and love!  speak your mind and see what flows.  you should call her and tell her exactly how you feel.  tell her everything you wrote in the OP word for word and then go from there.

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Azure Essence said:
I faced something similar, and out of the sake for my own self respect, I could NOT get with this girl again. It was tough for both of us, but exactly like you said, You cannot just reward their bad behaviour because they 'were confused', and I literally would have had zero self respect for myself had I taken her back.

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Speaking of being confused, I'm personally pretty confused right now why you regard a matter like this in terms of "rewarding bad behavior". Is it a matter of being a disciplinarian, or of the other person being someone that needs to be disciplined? I've never heard the concept of giving someone a second chance when they make a mistake, even a hurtful one, phrased in terms of "don't do it because you cannot reward bad behavior!". That's an order, sir! Not to mention that the concept of rewarding bad behavior isn't even applicable in this situation. Rewarding bad behavior would have been giving them a gift or praising them when they first did it. If anything, one would be "rewarding" the fact that they feel they made a mistake and they want another chance to work on being in a relationship, which is entirely different than rewarding bad behavior.

Then there's the concept of not being with that person ever again due to self respect. This clearly isn't inherent within the situation itself, that giving a second chance is tantamount to having zero self respect, but rather the view one would hold such that giving the relationship another chance would happen out of a position of weakness. Maybe that's entirely true for the people who would make that decision or feel compelled to make that decision due to being in a position of weakness, but projecting that onto the way that other people make decisions is entirely baseless. If anything, such a decision could also be made from a position of strength - someone that values the connection and feelings they shared with a person, who realizes that it's entirely possible for someone to make a mistake in the decisions they make in their life, who is emotionally mature enough to make a conscious decision to be with that person again, knowing that it doesn't reflect negatively on them for doing so.

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People ALWAYS want to avoid their own problems, and cover it up with this fairytale romance they (pretend to)live. It's fucking stupid, completely unhealthy, and never cute.

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There are BILLIONS of fish in this beautiful sea. Dont have that unhealthy attitude like you're 'missing something' with ONE SINGLE PERSON.

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If that mentality were true, based on the odds, your soulmate would likely be living in China, know what I'm saying?

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No, I don't really know what you're saying. Someone that would be a very suitable partner would share a lot of things that would serve as the basis of the relationship, as there would need to be a lot of things with which one identifies in the other person. The likelihood is that you'll find that person by living your life in the way you truly desire the most, not that they are some obscure person out in a remote location who will never share any connection with you from which a relationship would grow. And, beyond that, so what if they lived in China? So one moves to China, or they move to where one lives, or ya'll move somewhere else. Sounds like more of an adventure to me.

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Have a girl that lifts you to new heights, not someone you're fucking because you feel pity about how pathetic she is.

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Which, of course, is what all second chances boil down to.

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Relationships are meant to make you happy. Dont be one of those self-hating people who drag out a shitty thing even longer than it ever should have been. RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT BEING HAPPY

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And giving someone a second chance can never equate into happiness, right?

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fireworks_god said:
Speaking of being confused, I'm personally pretty confused right now why you regard a matter like this in terms of "rewarding bad behavior". Is it a matter of being a disciplinarian, or of the other person being someone that needs to be disciplined? I've never heard the concept of giving someone a second chance when they make a mistake, even a hurtful one, phrased in terms of "don't do it because you cannot reward bad behavior!". That's an order, sir! Not to mention that the concept of rewarding bad behavior isn't even applicable in this situation. Rewarding bad behavior would have been giving them a gift or praising them when they first did it. If anything, one would be "rewarding" the fact that they feel they made a mistake and they want another chance to work on being in a relationship, which is entirely different than rewarding bad behavior.

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Anonymous said:
fighting over stupid things

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Anonymous said:
went overseas for 6 weeks. It was incredibly hard for me.......she left me a couple of weeks before I got back.........also met someone...cited her aversion to long term relationships at our age(18 at the time), which she claims is the real reason [yet] defensive when I call her out on the fact that she left me for someone else.

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Then there's the concept of not being with that person ever again due to self respect. This clearly isn't inherent within the situation itself, that giving a second chance is tantamount to having zero self respect, but rather the view one would hold such that giving the relationship another chance would happen out of a position of weakness. Maybe that's entirely true for the people who would make that decision or feel compelled to make that decision due to being in a position of weakness, but projecting that onto the way that other people make decisions is entirely baseless. If anything, such a decision could also be made from a position of strength - someone that values the connection and feelings they shared with a person, who realizes that it's entirely possible for someone to make a mistake in the decisions they make in their life, who is emotionally mature enough to make a conscious decision to be with that person again, knowing that it doesn't reflect negatively on them for doing so.

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Except for the people who focus on personal development and actually address their own problems. I honestly think you're projecting, despite the fact that people can be completely different than the viewpoint that you hold. Feelings such as love and strong, intimate connections between individuals are genuine, and them serving as the motivation to make a decision to give someone a second chance is only a pretend fairytale romance if the person is fraught with emotional problems, not resolving their concerns and their problems, and ultimately pretending. The idea that this applies to all people, all the time, is completely baseless.

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It's not an unhealthy attitude, although it certainly can be held in an unhealthy manner. It's simply an acknowledgement of the nature of reality. Each person is unique, different, and relates to oneself in a different manner. Even if there are similarities. Regarding other people as if they are completely interchangeable and without unique characteristics isn't a healthy foundation for a relationship. I think the healthier form of the viewpoint I think you are trying to express is that there are so many different people out there that, even if you're missing something by not having a relationship with one certain individual, there are still so many people out there that it's still entirely possible to share valuable, fulfilling, interesting relationships with them.

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No, I don't really know what you're saying. Someone that would be a very suitable partner would share a lot of things that would serve as the basis of the relationship, as there would need to be a lot of things with which one identifies in the other person. The likelihood is that you'll find that person by living your life in the way you truly desire the most, not that they are some obscure person out in a remote location who will never share any connection with you from which a relationship would grow. And, beyond that, so what if they lived in China? So one moves to China, or they move to where one lives, or ya'll move somewhere else. Sounds like more of an adventure to me.

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Which, of course, is what all second chances boil down to.

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And giving someone a second chance can never equate into happiness, right?

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Anonymous said:
I don't want her in my life anymore. I want her as a  memory. I don't want the hurt and the pain to resurface.

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MistyMystic said:
look man...

don't let your anger of the situation hurt you later in life.

be strong for now. i was fucked up for about 5 years from my first real girlfriend. Part of that time including when we were still together.

but i still love her very much, and when I think of how young we were its different. really different.

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Yeah, this shit doesnt sound fun... No offense mystic, I'm not picking on you, but I assume you posted to itterate on this... no point spending 5 years all bent out of shape over another human being. 

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Azure Essence said:
OK, so 'rewarding bad behaviour' was a really awful way to put it, but the reason people do things like this is because they believe it's not a rude thing to a person, which is clearly is(TO THAT PERSON).

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My ex thought it was OK to get drunk and have other guys spend the night in bed. I did not personally think this was OK. No, if you can get this, I dont think what she did was wrong(egads!), but do you know what I DID think? That that is not the kind of behaviour I wanted in a relationship. She had one opinion, I had another.

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Why would you assume it'd be difficult to understand that a person can think an action in general isn't wrong, but that, when it regards themselves, it isn't something they want to be involved with? Did I somehow convey that it would be difficult for me to understand that?

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Clearly he's not really OK with that. Does it really have to be blown up into his psychology about it, or can he just not be OK with something she's done?

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I don't recall anyone ever debating the idea that he can't simply not be okay with something she did. Did I suggest that it was something he should be okay with?

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I agree, that's how it came about in my circumstances as well. I knew the relationship was toxic, and couldnt stick around. I could have made up some reasons, but I knew they weren't genuine, and not for my highest well being.

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My whole entire point WAS people who focus on their personal development, and you're fucking mad(no offense) if you think diggin up old wounds about a DONE relationship is a good idea.

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I mean sure, think about it, get into it, address it, thene move the fuck on. OP is clearly trying to move on, why the are you trying to insist he(and now convert me for some reason) to keep getting into it and dragging it out and second guessing?

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I have no interest in converting you. I replied to you because I felt like some of the thinking that you put forth on the matter was too narrow to fit the circumstance in general. I don't recall insisting on the OP to do anything, but I did offer my opinion, which was, in consideration of the way he feels about this person and the fact that they seemed open to understanding the nature of their mistake, and presumably feels the same way about him, he might try judging the entire circumstance from a different angle, one that doesn't close the door to the possibility of something that might work out and give him a lot of fulfillment and happiness.

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Do you know what OP could have been doing in the time since he's posted? He could have read an entire book on meditation and begun practicing, he could have researched ways of making healthier lifestyle choices through exercise and diet, he could have done any number of other things to impove himself and lead to personal development, and it's going to be THOSE that stick with him forever, not some relationship at 18. Is it uncomprehendable to you that chasing the opposite gender is a VERY small fraction of personal development, and is one of the biggest factors that impedes it alltogether. Countless personal development coaches warn about this.

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He could have also spent a lot of time analyzing the way in which he feels hurt and the way that this is driving his decision-making, gained some insight into the nature of how it's possible for him to feel that bad in the first place, contemplate ways in which he could open himself up to this woman to convey exactly how he feels and in which senses he would be open to furthering their relationship.... I don't understand how you could possibly discount how he would have nothing to gain from "some relationship at 18" that would stick with him forever, especially considering how much the intimate relationships someone shares with another person not only have a considerable impact on how one feels and how one thinks, but is also something capable of exposing a lot of aspects of oneself that can be worked on. I'm not suggesting any kind of decision be made by his part, I only offered my view of how I thought he wasn't helping himself by closing himself off from her to such an extent and by prioritizing the way he hurt to such an extent. It's a very restrictive approach, and it's also one that would therefore follow him further in life as well, including into other relationships. I'm only addressing the mentality that has become prevalent due to the hurt. What decisions he actually makes are his own and how he spends his own time is his own. For you to suggest that one particular way is a dead-end, however, is close-minded. I'm also sort of baffled by your suggestion that "chasing the opposite gender" as a small fraction of personal development is incomprehensible for me. I don't recall even commenting on "chasing the opposite gender", but I did put the brunt of my focus on the nature of a relationship and the way feelings can drive conceptions and mentalities, topics which pertain, in a large degree, to personal development.

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You missed the joke, move on

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Either way, this is what he said, and it seems like you're trying to change is mind.

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I'm well-aware of what he said. There's more to a person and the way they think and feel than certain statements they make at a particular point in time, and there's nothing wrong in speaking to different aspects of a person, to different feelings and perspectives that they also hold. You're acting like trying to change someone's mind is a bad thing, even though you yourself exercise the same influence on someone else by offering your point of view to them. The simple fact that you're supporting something they said as opposed to offering a different judgment doesn't change the nature of that influence.