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So I've been with a girl for just over 2 years now. We live together roughy 8 months out of the year. The other 4 are spent working in a different area of the world, with computer and phone to communicate.
We're very much in love. She's the second girl I've truly loved, and the first I've felt emotionally and mentally mature enough to consider marrying. It's been brought up more than a few times and we both want to. Its mostly just waiting until our lives are a little more settled, including work/finances. Everything seems to be going perfect. We get along, share many of the same interests and opinions. She has everything I've ever wanted and she expresses the same feelings for me. I would do anything for her!
When I returned from my 4 months of work this year, something was off. She was still affectionate and loving with a positive outlook on what we were doing. What bothered me were these new (to me) work friends that text her first thing in the morning until very late at night. Mind you that she never really texted much the whole time i've known her til now.
I don't care if she text's, but it bugs me when people do it in the middle of conversation, while eating dinner, while doing something together like watching a movie, and especially before we've gotten out of bed, or when we're going to sleep! This was all new behavior from her so I started getting suspicious... It got to the point we were having sex one day and she got a text, and she actually clicked ok and was reading it!! I was blown away! It was not super intimate sex that day, it was more spur of the moment before getting ready for the day kind of sex. But I couldn't believe it. I've never been one to read what my girlfriends emails or texts say, but for the first time I was compelled to see what these guy 'friends' of hers could possibly have to say at 8 am and midnight. I never read her text's nor emails because I respect her privacy, but at this point I expressed my EXTREME annoyance to her, explaining these guys that get to see and talk to her all day at work can probably wait until then to chat. She got the hint that I wasn't liking any of this, so the dudes basically stopped texting. She explained to me that it was nothing but friends, innocent chit-chat, but she told them I wasn't cool with it.
Jump ahead a month and she comes home after supposedly having to stay late at work, which she legitimately has to do from time to time. Well im asleep but wake up when she gets in and she smells of beer. I ask how work was and if she just got off.. She says yea she just got out and tries to turn over and sleep. I call her out on it, after a moment of playing stupid she tells me they got out early from work, so she got some drinks with a few co-workers, but felt guilty so she didn't want to say anything to me that night. I was pissed and felt even less trusting for her at this point because she basically just lied to my face for the first time. The guilty part didn't hold much weight because I've never held her back from going out with friends, and more-so I probably would have liked to meet up with them and have a drink as well.
She apologized and said she wasn't thinking. She talked about it with me shortly after and I agreed to forget about this stuff, her promising that she wasn't doing anything bad or wrong, she just felt like I would be bothered if I knew she went out..
Now we're a few more months ahead, making some new and serious plans together, and I'm starting to feel unsure again, wondering if anything ever actually happened back then, and why she would have felt the need to lie about being at work. I brought it up last night and she confessed that she was confused, and had gotten used to being alone while I was away at work and had some feelings for someone. She admits she was accepting invites from them to go out and drink, sometimes just 1 on 1 with these guys!!! She promises nothing physical happened, but I feel as there really isn't THAT much of a difference. There is a huge lack of respect for me going out with these guys while I was gone. Theres something very intimate about flirting and leading people on, whether or not it went further. She knows they wanted her, and she admits to provoking it. I don't know if I can trust that she never took things further with anyone, but she seems sincere.
She tells me it was stupid and she was confused. All she wants is to be with me and she doesn't ever want to lose me..
What the hell do I do?? I'm torn. I love her and want to believe her and trust that she really believes what she says, but the other part of me thinks if this has already happened its only a matter of time before it happens again. I like my work, and I don't want to change it, but I don't know if I can leave for work this summer and feel like she isn't out there fucking around! This is my life and my heart we're talking about here..
If you've taken the time to read this, thanks for letting me spill it all out. Advice would be very much appreciated..
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15938697 - 03/12/12 07:20 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
Doesn't sound to me like you are being controlling. I say maybe confront the guys as well, not in a violent or angry manner but just to sort things out and get details as well as tell them you don't want it happening again. If it does....obviously split.
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #3] #15938850 - 03/12/12 07:52 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
She has friends, and she does go out. We like to go out together and share many of the same friends.
I have never complained about her going out after work with co-workers. This has all started since I got back and these new dudes have been chatting her up all day long. Dudes that i've never once been invited to get to know.
I actually told her if I could meet them the next time I would feel a lot better about her going out with them alone. Since then plans always fallen apart when she mentions they might be going out that night and I say I'd like to go too. Keep in mind I am not the intimidating type, and although I could be if it was necessary, I know it's not an issue of her being afraid I'll make a scene or something. I sincerely wanted to meet these dudes to see that they're legit.
As of now though, I couldn't give two shits about them. They knew she had a boyfriend and still pursued her. While its as much her fault as theirs, I respect no man that goes after a taken woman, and Vice Versa..
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #3] #15938859 - 03/12/12 07:53 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
God damn it. How much a slave to the pussy/"love" are you? She doesn't love you the way you love her. If my girlfriend started reading a text message in the middle of intercourse I'd nut all over her face/phone, get dressed, grab my shit, and leave forever without saying a word.
If I were in your position I'd walk the fuck away NOW.
Your relationship is headed for disaster and continuing like nothing happened/giving her the benefit of the doubt is only going to ensure that it ends in disaster. The only way she is going to confront how much she really values you is if you aren't there to be her warm blanket when she wants you to be. Grow up and stop being her loyal fucking puppy dog ready to take her back at the first sign of affection. If she changes her ways and starts treating you right--almost assuredly after a failed shot at another guy or two so make sure it's not out of desperation/loneliness--then think about taking her back I guess if you can stand the thought of her and her ho ass at that point.
If you want to break some laws before making a decision either way then keylog her computer and access facebook/emails to see if she is foolish enough to leave traces on either medium.
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15939732 - 03/12/12 10:41 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
I don't know man, if she was lying to you before whats to say she isn't lying to you now about no physical contact? I find it hard to believe she was able to drink with and cocktease multiple different guys for months at a time without giving up even a kiss. And does it even matter? I think I would trust the girlfriend more who fucks a dude one weekend and tells me everything right away with legitimate remorse than yours, who lied to you repeatedly for months at a time and only fessed up the information you do have once you pried it out of her repeatedly.
You were betrayed. Not necessarily a deal breaker unless you are unable to trust her anymore. Go with your gut there. Maybe Anon #5 is right.
But I wouldn't even think about marrying her. Not for a while, she obviously isn't close to being ready for that.
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #6] #15940001 - 03/12/12 11:34 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
Thanks #6.. You see it about the same as I do. The problem is I really don't trust her anymore.
Honestly I hope Anon #5 isn't right, although everything he said has crossed my mind, right down to walking away and not turning back. That's the impulsive/rash side of my brain, and I don't know when to follow its lead. I don't like the idea of giving up something so good, and it indeed has been good much more often than it has been bad.
I suppose if I do decide to stick with it, I will wait and see if she is willing make the effort to try and earn my trust back. I'm not sure how because I've never been through this before, but time will tell. We are in the process of making some very serious plans together, not marriage, and along with those plans are some very major sacrifices on her part, so that is a start.
First things first, I will try to chill for the next few days and see if this awful feeling in my stomach goes away. Like you said, go with your gut, and my gut is usually pretty keen. As much as I want to stay with her, what Anon #5 said holds some weight, and I will keep it in mind.
Thanks for the feedback shroomerites..
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15940032 - 03/12/12 11:40 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
This is almost to a T what happened with me and my girl of 4.5 years. Stayed late for work once in a while, got mysterious texts.
Then one night she called to say "I'm gonna stay at my grandmas tonight" which she had never done in 5 years of me knowing her.
Fortunately I was smart enough to say "Ok, and in the morning you can get all your shit out of the driveway."
Split ways with that cunt and never spoke to her again. Now I'm getting some fine pussy on the side, and I'm allowed to do drugs and play video games all day without pretending thats not what I'm doing.
Shes fuckin' someone else bro. Cut the bitch loose while you still have some dignity left. Its tough, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Man up kid.
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #8] #15941172 - 03/13/12 08:26 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)
Fears confirmed. After another uncomfortable and tense evening, she spilled it all. I had said I just don't think I can trust her anymore, less so that nothing ever happened with this dude (dudes possibly) when they would go out drinking, not that it really makes any difference at this point.
Well she says they kissed. (funny how she slowly leaks out the truth, perhaps to ease the blow and keep me around) She's been mostly crying since last night, reassuring me over and over that it was a huge mistake, and it honestly never went further than that.
I made her tell me who it was, after much prying, and luckily I don't know him. If I did he might get a visit before I leave town. Maybe she's lying about who it is also, since it was so hard to get it out of her, but WHO FUCKING CARES ANOYMORE.
Even though this is new news, it all went down months ago. I feel as if it were yesterday though, and cannot get over it.
I'm basically trying to figure out my plan at this point, how I can make a clean split. I will be devastated by this. I already am, but the truly sad and lonely times will hit me after I leave.
We're pretty tied up in each others lives, me more-so, living outside of my country for her, in her native country. I will have to start packing my things, my flight to work isn't for another month so I will get a hold of the only real friend I have down here and stay with them I suppose.
I have a lot of crap to sell as well before I leave, because I will NOT be coming back here. What a fucking nightmare. Not that that stuff is nearly as important, but it doesn't make this any easier.
You know what eats me up? A good work friend had his long-time wife cheat on him last year. He was Destroyed, and they divorced shortly after.. they had kids and a home together. After all that he warned me very seriously that all women will fuck you over in the end. I spend the next couple months trying to convince him that he was wrong and there are good women in the world, and I had one.
The ONE thing we agreed on when we got together is that if EVER one of us is having doubts, to SPEAK UP. I told here I never want to be kept in the dark, and that if even a kiss happens or is going to happen, TELL ME!!!
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15941485 - 03/13/12 11:56 AM (1 year, 2 months ago)
Having so many doubts and trust issues this early on is a recipe for a future disaster. Move on now before it's too late. She's playing the "FRIEND" game with you and keeps telling you whatever she needs to pacify you until the next "FRIEND" comes along. Run far and run fast.
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15941505 - 03/13/12 12:01 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)
Honestly what could you expect? I don't know your girl, but four months is a long time to be apart. I've been in the same situation before due to school and I'll admit it's extremely tempting to follow up on flirty girls despite prior commitments. Once you stop seeing someone for that kind of time period it's easy to forget how happy they make you feel when you're together.
That said, you can't let someone get away with kissing other people if your relationship doesn't work that way.
I have to ask though, has there ever been a time while you were away that you were in even a remotely similar situation with another girl?
If not, had a female friend from work asked you out for a couple of friendly beers after work would you not have gone? And maybe if after a few of said beer sessions and good times being had, one ended with a shared taxi ride home. And in the cab possibly a touch on the arm may have turned into a one of those annoyingly deep, drunken conversations where you relate to the other person so damn well. And then suddenly your brain starts to do that thing like where you've been driving a familiar path and you don't even know your hands are turning the wheel or your feet working the pedals and suddenly you need to slam on the breaks because you're fifteen feet from running a stop sign. And then you realize your lips are on hers and you pull away, suddenly mortified by the situation you've unknowingly been delivered to. Couldn't that happen? No? Yeah fuck I would probably break up with her too.
Thanks for all the replies everybody, I had a feeling the shroomery could help me sort things out a little. There was nobody I felt like talking about this with, and it was nice to be able to write it out and visually see what I had been thinking.
Sometimes it's pretty tough to compute everything you're facing when you're so intensely involved. It's really helpful to hear it through the view of an outsider.
As of now my plan is to leave for my friends tomorrow. I will spend however much time there I need, possibly until I fly out of the country for work. I'm going to do some thinking about all that has happened and whats important to me.
I'm also going to be smoking plenty of free reefer, taking a couple surf trips to the beach, and trying to get my mind OFF her. Every time we talked I seriously had knots in my stomach, and it took hours for me to relax. I'm very exhausted mentally and emotionally, and I haven't even begun to try to get over her/this.
Once again thanks for the good vibes and sound advice everyone
Re: I feel betrayed by my girlfriend... [Re: Anonymous #1] #15942928 - 03/13/12 06:53 PM (1 year, 2 months ago)