Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!
|
 PsilocybinMike
T.F.Y.Q.A
 
Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 2,534
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
|
 The relief people with severe/long term depression and anxiety get from getting high   1
#15799288 - 02/12/12 05:23 PM (3 months, 14 days ago) |
|
|
The relief from the transition from my normal depressed and chronically anxious state (generally "troubled" you could say), to being high as fuck (not a mild buzz either, getting high as fuck) is what it must feel like to find water after lost in the desert or some similar analogy. I genuinely feel at peace with myself and everything and the various things that really stress me out and are depressing and just basically the different things that cause me problems and hold me back in life (always shit beyond my control) I can actually push that aside temporarily and just live contently.
I have a great family that I used to see much more but pretty much go out of my way to isolate myself from because for a pretty long time I've been at a point where most/all of the time when I'm out at work, at the store, at a bar, visiting my family I end up showing physical signs of distress which is sometimes interpreted as almost upset/mad which honestly I cannot fucking control and it drives me insane. It's always like that even on days where like a normal person if maybe something happened to get me upset and that lingered for the day (happens to pretty much everyone at some point), and nothing has happened, so on days where additional bad shit happens to me, although I will always be able to keep my composure especially if it was work or something, but I wake up with long standing issues that already leave me "upset", basically miserable, a life without genuine happiness with a long history of extremely negative/unfortunate things happening to me since I was a young kid, and that fucks with me because I'm not happy now and the brutally long time of so much negativity and misery makes my hope of things getting much better (each year I age the probability of that seems more unlikely).
I've spoken to professionals and at various times a small number of close people, trusted individuals, and the bottom line is I don't think there's anything anyone could say that's going to actually fix the different things I don't have control over which the combination of has driven to the edge. A few times I've actually TRIED to OD, and once I came very close, told the wrong person the next day, person calls a certain emergency line or whatever without my knowledge, I end up having to unwillingly spend roughly 3 days in a psych ward because when someone (without my knowledge) revealed the information that I had took a bunch of shit and tried to OD I was considered a danger to myself and they said if I did not comply the police would be involved.
Anyway, before this gets too long my point is that due to these long term and rather severe issues plaguing my life. Numerous issues which can cause the different issues to intensify one another from the combination(s) and on a daily basis I pretty much struggle so bad that I might start off by waking up, almost like being mildly shocked, in the sense that the transition from a divinely peaceful state, much of the time coming directly out of a dream, and I almost never have bad or scary dreams and most of them are great, either extremely positive and happy or something completely fascinating like dreaming about being in space or these baffling realistic almost "alternate realities" where you're doing something you do or used to do, for me I get A LOT of random dreams where I'm at a school, sometimes in a class, but the people there will be the most random assortment of people, some I haven't seen in years, some who I actually went to school with, other times just random people I knew, could be years apart in age, and the weirdest thing is seeing people I've never seen anywhere in my life, looking directly at them, sometimes able to remember it pretty vividly when I wake up, just generated randomly by my brain. That's like learning something you've never been taught. I dream about flying around a lot too, over somewhere I know or a random landscape. Sometimes I even do drugs in dreams, dropping acid with old friends I lost touch with who had never done it, I even shot heroin in a dream before and when I have drug dreams they seriously feel real, and maybe at least once a week I'll have a lucid dream or become lucid at some point during a regular dream, and I'll do different shit like grab something, I've even grabbed titties in a dream before, and it was legit. I've smelled things, smoked things, been thirsty and had a dream I was drinking something in the dream and could taste it. This is relates because even without dreaming, sleep is a disconnected state of peace for me, and sometimes I'll wake up and I'll need to take sometimes hours just laying in bed awake to come to terms with my reality compared to where I might of just came from, sometimes my dreams are just like I said, alternate versions of my actual life where sometimes even just one or more fairly minor thing are different and it changes everything.
Even the professionals, counselors, psychologists whatever pretty much can't deny that doing drugs some of the time if it honestly makes you happy, and in my case right now the only thing that really makes me happy, it's worth it to do drugs some times and get that relief and happiness sometimes, rather then NEVER being happy (a lot of people really have it that bad, I've been to a psychward) and the fact that at least drugs are an option is a relief in itself and when I do them I am so much better in all ways that it's really a shame there wasn't some way to maintain and feel that way everyday without having to IV drugs which is what happens to people who use opiates etc. daily, inevitably they have to or they can't get high. Weed used to get me high everyday but now when I smoke unless I'm on other drugs already 9/10 times it works against me, my anxiety is heightened, and I want the "high" to end almost immediately after it takes effect, and literally have to sit there and wait for it to ware off, while already in a natural and continual state of depression and anxiety.
(sorry this got pretty long, no offense taken if you didn't read it, this is more than I usually am willing to share anyway, and would not have if not for the drugs in my system)
--------------------
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVZBTAYm3rw
|
happymealplease
Stranger
Registered: 07/14/11
Posts: 214
Last seen: 4 days, 15 hours
|
Re: The relief people with severe/long term depression and anxiety get from getting high [Re: PsilocybinMike]
#15799600 - 02/12/12 06:26 PM (3 months, 14 days ago) |
|
|
At one point in my life I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I bought into it and was miserable for a while. Drugs were one thing that kind of helped but they didn't give lasting relief, and I don't think they ever do. That's the problem with them, they made me feel good and level but it always left as the drug worked its way out of my system. In order to remain positive I needed to be high often and eventually, that feeling left as well. In the end, all I had was anxiety while high or anxiety because I wasn't high and was craving it. I was also on medication at one point but that made me feel far worse than I had ever felt.
I found my life got better when I decided to learn to live with my anxiety, and pinpoint actual reasons that caused it. I won't tell anyone not to do drugs, in fact I think excess sobriety can cause issues for us as well. But sober is our natural state. We need a break from it every now and then, but we also need to learn how to live with ourselves as well. If we keep changing our state, the only thing we learn is to run. I don't think anyone starts off perfect and has an easy life because of it. One large problem with our society is that anyone who is having a hard time with life is provided several options that appear to be "easy fixes", and it's a bad mentality. Life is supposed to be hard. If anyone wants to improve, they need to work for it. Progress through this method is slow but permanent. There's no replacement.
Edited by happymealplease (02/12/12 06:28 PM)
|
PsilocybinMike
T.F.Y.Q.A
Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 2,534
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
|
Re: The relief people with severe/long term depression and anxiety get from getting high [Re: happymealplease]
#15799821 - 02/12/12 07:14 PM (3 months, 14 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
happymealplease said:
At one point in my life I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I bought into it and was miserable for a while. Drugs were one thing that kind of helped but they didn't give lasting relief, and I don't think they ever do. That's the problem with them, they made me feel good and level but it always left as the drug worked its way out of my system. In order to remain positive I needed to be high often and eventually, that feeling left as well. In the end, all I had was anxiety while high or anxiety because I wasn't high and was craving it. I was also on medication at one point but that made me feel far worse than I had ever felt.
I found my life got better when I decided to learn to live with my anxiety, and pinpoint actual reasons that caused it. I won't tell anyone not to do drugs, in fact I think excess sobriety can cause issues for us as well. But sober is our natural state. We need a break from it every now and then, but we also need to learn how to live with ourselves as well. If we keep changing our state, the only thing we learn is to run. I don't think anyone starts off perfect and has an easy life because of it. One large problem with our society is that anyone who is having a hard time with life is provided several options that appear to be "easy fixes", and it's a bad mentality. Life is supposed to be hard. If anyone wants to improve, they need to work for it. Progress through this method is slow but permanent. There's no replacement.
Yea I was finally diagnosed formally with an anxiety disorder a few years ago but I knew I had it all along. I've been on benzos for some time now so although I'm not addicted to anything like opiates etc., I do use benzos daily which was a decision made or advised by (I didn't initially want to take any psych meds, ever, that's why I was not diagnosed for many years) by professionals and now after some time on them it's quite evident they do make a big difference. Unfortunately they aren't a cure, but when I wake up in the morning or just through out the day in any given situation I'd just feel like I was having a heart condition and the feeling would manifest in my chest and just feel so uncomfortable. On more than one month I had some of my script stolen and forced to have none for 1 even 2 weeks. Other times I've had to only take 1 or 2 day. It was incredibly unpleasant, benzo w/d's can kill you and so when I had to go up to 2 weeks with none I nearly lost fell apart. Benzos are the only thing that can fix that, I take xanax and that wears off after a few hours 3-4 so if you don't take one for 6-7 maybe even more hours it completely wears off and for me I can tell as soon as it's starting to wear off. I have always been a restless sleeper and one of my biggest issues is negative headspaces I'll get into when I wake up after a few hours of sleep an d can't get back to sleep, sometimes laying there for HOURS, but my mind will think so miserably, I just want to be asleep so bad but can't that it makes me hate my life and realize that's why I am so pissed off I am losing this sleep because if you have to get up at a specific time that sleep is gone, replaced with hours of mental anguish. So I'd get that a lot an then have to go to school or work. Xanax is incredible for using it say in the middle of the night, you wake up and your thoughts are racing.
Xanax vs. racing thoughts id kind of like entering your brain going"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!", and you feel relief and the xanax is pretty quick acting so it's not long before you feel it, and you become so peaceful and usually slip into some great sleep, taking comfort the whole time before you fall asleep in the memories of all those nights of hours of lost sleep, mind racing, brink of insanity, and xanax saves the day. When you've gotten to the point where you've tried to OD before, typically when you are in these torturous head spaces during lost sleep, especially when you sit and watch the clock, knowing you have x amount of hours before you HAVE to be up. I'd always fall asleep like 20 minutes before I had to be up too, after hours of tossing and turning. It's fucking miserable, and I've had problems with it since grade school. Xanax is priceless in that situation, it's also pretty amazing if you're already kind of tired and normally I'd just be taking one as usual because my script is for 5x a day and you end up taking a nap, it is so refreshing laying there usually with a really clear head as your worries silence themselves and just enjoying that in between time before actually falling sleep and laying down, total comfort and relaxation.
After so many experiences of interrupted sleep filled with negative thoughts, just pure misery the whole time, when you are starting to feel that way and take a xanax and literally feel as if it is killing or destroying these bad thoughts and the physical anxiety the builds up my your chest, I feel such an appreciate and value for the drug. I know plenty of people take it some for recreation others because they might use it as a tool for a specific situation like before getting on an airplane, taking some when you're coming down off acid or cocaine etc. to put you to sleep and ease you into the come down, but when you truly have severe anxiety benzos are fucking remarkably effective. If you have bad anxiety, like real, bad, seriously I'd check that shit out, because a lot of us, just like I was for many, many years, we refuse to go to doctors, get labeled with a diagnosis, and don't want to take any type of pills.
--------------------
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVZBTAYm3rw
Edited by PsilocybinMike (02/12/12 07:22 PM)
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: The relief people with severe/long term depression and anxiety get from getting high [Re: PsilocybinMike]
#15799964 - 02/12/12 07:42 PM (3 months, 14 days ago) |
|
|
Sorry for the anonymity but I don't post here anymore, only plan on posting once, and don't want any attention. However, I decided to lurk the shroomery news after a long hiatus and stumbled upon your post due to what I believe is dumb luck. In fact, luck is the name of the game in this universe. Did you ever consider how lucky you are? First of all, and not to churn your stomach, but you are the product of one out of millions of sperm (around 200 - 500 million) that managed to inseminate one of your mothers (roughly) 1 million eggs that she started her very lucky life with (unless you believe life begins before birth where it's more like 6-7 million). Just one of the countless lucky events that got you right where you are now, reading this post. Just something to consider or, with a bit of luck, inspire a bit of joy or at least a little curiosity.
Life is very messy. I can relate to your entire post and I'll bet I'm not the only one.
You said something that I found to be very interesting: "the bottom line is I don't think there's anything anyone could say that's going to actually fix the different things I don't have control over which the combination of has driven to the edge."
Well, you're damn right about this. Nothing nobody can say will change how you think... but I must add a disclaimer: that is unless you believe it will (but ultimately it is your doing). You are at least in control of yourself (yes this is limited but if that bothers you imagine life without limits... like coloring out of the lines... now that is a real mess). The fact that nobody can fix the way you feel and how there are many things that could really use fixing that you can't control are two things you must accept. Why? Well I assume you accept how good drugs make you feel? Well, everything's a part of it. That's a Tom Robbins quote "Everything is part of it". He follows with "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." I find Tom Robbins to be a very wise man.
About drugs pushing your troubles aside, I must warn you this CAN BE very dangerous. Excuse the metaphor but though putting shit in a pretty box is a temporary fix, that box will inevitably be taken away, and you can be left with quite the disappointment. Add that to a comedown and it could mean irrational thoughts even the pope couldn't conceive of when he was a Hitler Youth. I think just being aware of this can help prevent it, and by that I mean it's best not to take every thought you have seriously. Drugs can also serve as a quite nice lesson: you have the ability to think positively and feel content. I promise you don't need drugs for this. In fact, if you choose (maybe "cultivate" is a better word) a different, more positive perspective in your sober state of mind, drugs should become exponentially more enjoyable. And this can be achieved through awareness of this damn pervasive moment, of your negative thought patterns, habits, etc.
Things won't always go well or actually they may, it's all up to your perspective. This world can be shitty or it can be near-impossibly incredible. I find that contrast to be quite amazing. I believe you have everything you are searching for already and you always have and always will. I wish you the best of luck even though you already have that as well.
Nawmsayin??  
|
happymealplease
Stranger
Registered: 07/14/11
Posts: 214
Last seen: 4 days, 15 hours
|
Re: The relief people with severe/long term depression and anxiety get from getting high [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15800326 - 02/12/12 08:55 PM (3 months, 14 days ago) |
|
|
Since you've felt you've had an anxiety disorder and self-medicated, has there been an extended period where you've gone without drugs (referring to non-pharmaceutical)? The reason I ask is prolonged use of recreational drugs can interfere with your balance and make it harder to discern what's really going on. That's part of the relief but it's part of the danger as well. Also if you're using recreational drugs in addition to benzos etc., I just don't see it as a great idea. Not trying to sound judgmental (though I know it'll come across as that), it's just that I've been there and didn't realize at the time how much it was messing with my clarity of mind... until I quit.
Since you've been formally diagnosed, has there been an extended period (3+ months) where you've refrained from any psychiatric medication? I ask this because I found that once I started taking medication, I found it very difficult to quit, and it sounds like you're in the same boat. Perhaps you really need it, but for me, I didn't think I was addicted or dependent. But I kind of was. As soon as I missed a dose I'd go into meltdown. Not just the mental despair of knowing I didn't have medication in my system, but real physical symptoms and weird perceptions of the world. Because of this I went back to the meds several times, I thought the withdrawal symptoms was just my anxiety returning, but it wasn't. It was withdrawal, it's nasty and it sucks. After several attempts I finally managed to get off medication and no, I didn't feel great, or any better than I had before the medication, but I honestly felt better about LIFE than I had before the medication, and infinitely better than I had while taking and withdrawing from the medication. I won't doubt that there are people out there who are very unstable unless they have medication, but I think a lot of people who end up on these drugs don't really need it.
I know it's a crappy way to feel and it's a terrible way to live, but I can't emphasize enough how much better I felt I finally gave up on medication and the advice of practitioners and tried living my life. It wasn't a foolhardy "I don't want it", it was just that despite all the people around me telling me how much I needed it, I knew how I felt before meds, while on meds, and when trying to get off meds, and I knew it wasn't good for me. Honestly, the worst I've ever felt in my life was when on medication and coming off medication. That was the closest I've ever come to committing suicide, and it's when I felt the most detached from the world, even though I felt "safe" in a way (while medicated). I couldn't get ANYTHING going in my life because of my disorder and I couldn't get anything going when I was taking the medication. The only thing that made it better was taking a pill or getting high. So I could sit around and feel nothing. How is that beneficial?
Life is tough. It can be a real pain in the ass. I had a good childhood and I think that's why I used to think that life would just flow. Yes, I had things happen, I had bad romances, a friend who committed suicide, problems with parents, I dropped out of high school then went back to graduate. I made mistakes and had pain, but it never phased me for long. I always thought I'd be okay. I'd just become an adult, get a job, get a girl, so on and so forth. I thought it would just naturally fall into place. It doesn't. It's hard to find your place in the world. There's BS everywhere that'll make you feel worse about yourself, but if you work at it you can eventually find ONE THING that makes you realize that all that BS is just that, BS, and this ONE THING provides a subtle but dramatic shift in your perspective that allows you to slowly build a life of your own.
I don't want to tell you to get off your medication. I think it was a phase I had to go through. I had the insomnia and all that, I'm trying to keep this post from getting much longer, but I felt like I was suffering tremendously. So maybe then I needed it. But I don't anymore. That's all I'm trying to say. Keep thinking of how to better yourself. Just by opening this topic you've proven you're already doing that. I'm putting in my several cents because I can relate.
Edited by happymealplease (02/12/12 09:15 PM)
| |
|
|
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: CherryBom, eris, boO, Gumby, ZippoZ, Newbie
179 topic views. 1 members, 48 guests and 0 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Toggle Favorite | Print Topic ]
| | |
|
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit 
Reply 
Anonymous
