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Anonymous #1
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 How to end a relationship with someone you are living with 
#15667363 - 01/15/12 12:23 AM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I'm in a bit of a situation. I've been living with my GF out of economic necessity since shortly after we started going out. I couldn't ever afford to live on my own until now 6 years later. I had wanted to end the relationship for at least a few years here (varying in degrees of how badly I wanted it to end), but now I want to be out of it. I want to be friends with her but not her boyfriend. I don't want to continue to share a bed with her but could actually tolerate sharing a house with her, I don't think she feels the same way about either of those things. She has said things to me that indicate desperation to stay in the relationship, but when it comes to actually changing behaviors that make me want out she does little.
What kinds of avenues can I pursue to make her want out of the relationship? She already thinks I've cheated on her and says she doesn't care. I want her to stop loving me but I don't want her to hate me, leave and take all my stuff.
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 c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK
 
Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 4,649
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#15668013 - 01/15/12 03:29 AM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I've had to do this before, and there is no easy way out of it. You'll pretty much need to tell her flat out your just not into it anymore as nicely as possible, so you can split ways as painlessly as possible, and she will probably hate you for the next year or so but you should eventually be able to be friends.
Hope it is as painless as possible for you, it was really uncomfortable for me, we had to finish our lease and live together while 'broken up' for three months. May I ask why you're trying to go for her not hating you once all said and done?
I don't think you should try to manipulate her into wanting to break up with you though, or there will probably a lot of longterm resentment formed as a result.
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 drr
Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 6,556
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: c1dh3d] 1
#15668206 - 01/15/12 05:36 AM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
c1dh3d said:
I've had to do this before, and there is no easy way out of it. You'll pretty much need to tell her flat out your just not into it anymore as nicely as possible, so you can split ways as painlessly as possible, and she will probably hate you for the next year or so but you should eventually be able to be friends.
I was going to say something almost exactly like this, but I decided I was just basing it on personal experience and being bitter. But really it's true. That is probably the way it will go. There is no easy way about it, unless she is one amazingly mature, level-headed and open-minded woman, and you are equally so. It's probably going to be at least somewhat dramatic.
Quote:
I don't think you should try to manipulate her into wanting to break up with you though, or there will probably a lot of longterm resentment formed as a result.
I also agree with this
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c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: drr] 1
#15669140 - 01/15/12 01:04 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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Me and drr know our messy breakups 
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: c1dh3d]
#15727240 - 01/28/12 12:12 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
c1dh3d said:
May I ask why you're trying to go for her not hating you once all said and done?
Frankly I could figure out how to do it and her not like me, this is fairly easy. I wouldn't even have to come here and bother to ask. However to get her to move out peacefully without trying to take all my stuff/money or sue me for alimony would likely require that I end the relationship in a really diplomatic way.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15761945 - 02/04/12 10:15 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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*bump*
Look do you all have any answers or am I just going to have to break someone's heart or keep cheating or both.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15761960 - 02/04/12 10:20 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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What does she do that makes u want to break up with her?
Why would u have to pay alimony if ur not married? Do you live in one of those usa states where if u live together for five years or longer u become legally married by law even tho ur not married? Like a domestic partnership or something?
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c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #2] 2
#15762136 - 02/04/12 11:01 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I tbought I answered that pretty thoroughly, did you want one of us to call her and break up with her for you?
Man up, and tell her it's over.
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spoonbomb
Registered: 10/16/10
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: c1dh3d]
#15765142 - 02/05/12 06:57 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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There is no easy way out of this man
you have to tell her the situation and hope she lets you stay
good luck 
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Always Appreciate
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sof4r0ckeRs1984
Alice and Bob
Registered: 07/30/10
Posts: 1,348
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15769897 - 02/06/12 08:32 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I'm in a bit of a situation. I've been living with my GF out of economic necessity since shortly after we started going out. I couldn't ever afford to live on my own until now 6 years later. I had wanted to end the relationship for at least a few years here (varying in degrees of how badly I wanted it to end), but now I want to be out of it. I want to be friends with her but not her boyfriend.
 Are you really sure this is ever gonna happen?
Quote:
Anonymous said:
I don't want to continue to share a bed with her but could actually tolerate sharing a house with her, I don't think she feels the same way about either of those things.
I wonder who would.
Quote:
Anonymous said:
She has said things to me that indicate desperation to stay in the relationship, but when it comes to actually changing behaviors that make me want out she does little.
Hm... do you have Aspergers?
Quote:
Anonymous said:
What kinds of avenues can I pursue to make her want out of the relationship? She already thinks I've cheated on her and says she doesn't care. I want her to stop loving me but I don't want her to hate me, leave and take all my stuff.
What you are doing to her right now is worse than just ending it. Do you even care about HER feelings or just what she thinks of you? If you wanted to make her quit, you would have to make her dislike you in extreme ways. Dude why don't you just grow the guts to tell her what you really feel? It will probably hurt her, but just say what you have to.
Accept the situation and search for a fitting solution.
And what's that stuff about alimony?
--------------------
The Horrors... Really bad example of dosage, set and setting.
[quote]starfire_xes said:
Don't worry about being ugly. Beauty is only skin deep.
Ugly goes all the way to the bone....
[/quote]
Edited by sof4r0ckeRs1984 (02/06/12 08:49 PM)
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numonkei
Back! From thedigestive tractof dave theiguana!
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#15771611 - 02/07/12 02:09 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I'm in a bit of a situation. I've been living with my GF out of economic necessity since shortly after we started going out. I couldn't ever afford to live on my own until now 6 years later. I had wanted to end the relationship for at least a few years here (varying in degrees of how badly I wanted it to end), but now I want to be out of it. I want to be friends with her but not her boyfriend. I don't want to continue to share a bed with her but could actually tolerate sharing a house with her, I don't think she feels the same way about either of those things. She has said things to me that indicate desperation to stay in the relationship, but when it comes to actually changing behaviors that make me want out she does little.
What kinds of avenues can I pursue to make her want out of the relationship? She already thinks I've cheated on her and says she doesn't care. I want her to stop loving me but I don't want her to hate me, leave and take all my stuff.
Dude, man the fuck up. Tell her you are leaving, or that she needs to leave. "I want her to stop loving me but I don't want her to hate me" and "What kinds of avenues can I pursue to make her want out of the relationship"...this is the mind-gaming responsible for half of the 'what happened' posts on this forum. This is what I hear the female servers at my restaurant say to one another. It's weak, get to the point. Be fucking honest, if she's gonna hate you she's gonna hate you. But at least you were honest and not stringing her along. In the long run, you would be doing both of you a favor, wasting not your time nor leading her on and wasting hers.
~Monk
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Larrythescaryrex
teardrop on the fire
Registered: 07/20/00
Posts: 10,721
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Last seen: 7 days, 15 hours
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: c1dh3d] 1
#15775576 - 02/07/12 09:02 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
c1dh3d said:
I tbought I answered that pretty thoroughly, did you want one of us to call her and break up with her for you?
Man up, and tell her it's over.
I volunteer. But I want a positive trade rating. 
--------------------
Sunset_Mission said:
"larry the scary rex
verily scary when thoroughly vexed
invoke the shadows and dust, cast a hex
mercifully massacring memories masterfully
relocate from Ur to 8th density and become a cosmic bully
mulder and scully couldn't decipher his glyphs
invoke the shadows and dust, smoke infernal spliffs"
April 24th 2011
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KandiKitty
Unicorn Whisperer
Registered: 01/28/12
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: numonkei]
#15779440 - 02/08/12 04:37 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
numonkei said:
Dude, man the fuck up. Tell her you are leaving, or that she needs to leave. "I want her to stop loving me but I don't want her to hate me" and "What kinds of avenues can I pursue to make her want out of the relationship"...this is the mind-gaming responsible for half of the 'what happened' posts on this forum. This is what I hear the female servers at my restaurant say to one another. It's weak, get to the point. Be fucking honest, if she's gonna hate you she's gonna hate you. But at least you were honest and not stringing her along. In the long run, you would be doing both of you a favor, wasting not your time nor leading her on and wasting hers.
~Monk
Agreed. 
My boyfriend and I have a good friend in a similar situation. It's been 10 years for them, but he's ready to end it. He wants her to leave him (she found out he cheated recently and still won't do it) so he doesn't have to do the actual splitting. I never understood the fear of being "the bad guy". It's better than being "the guy currently wasting 6 years of his life being in a relationship that makes him miserable."
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Bipolarbear
Stranger with candy
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15781074 - 02/08/12 10:30 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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You could go on a vacation paid totally by her and then drop "btw I signed a lease on a place for myself" in the middle of this vacation thus totally ruining the vacationing and announcing it's over and I have already made plans to move on. At least that is what an ex-gf did to me. The cunt.
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psylosymonreturns
Not Trusted For Anything
Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 11,112
Loc: B.C. Canada 
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Bipolarbear]
#15781757 - 02/09/12 01:07 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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i just broke up an 11 year relationship where we own a house and have 2 fucking kids. NOW THATS a hard one!!!
ya gota be straight up about it and stand your ground. your not an fuckin jerk like me, your just not that into her. its not the end of the world.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: sof4r0ckeRs1984]
#15810088 - 02/14/12 09:34 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I had been mentioning to her that I want to break up for a while now, but nothing has changed. She's still here. I can't move out unless she transfers the rent payments over to her bank and she doesn't seem to be inclined to look for a place. What do I have to do? Find a place for, her get the damage deposit/1st mo rent, move all her shit and tell her she lives there now? It's not that I'm too cheap or not willing, I'm just pretty busy with work and other stuff right now. This is what I have, she is dragging her feet. It used to be passive-aggressively with things like she didn't care if I cheat on her she didn't want me to leave and now all she does is cry when I bring it up, but she never leaves. I've even asked her when she was going to leave, no real answer nothing. Is there something I'm missing.
I'm not gonna say anything tonight obviously as it is valentines day, but even now I'm not sure what to say/do. I mean she works full time with an hour and a half combined commute and I'm working OT with a similar commute, what pace should I expect this to happen?
Anyway, yes the alimony thing is related to the state I live in, where after sharing a living space in a "marriage like relationship" for a period of time that I already have surpassed you are legally married. I even file my taxes with her claimed as a spouse because legally we are. Frankly I should probibly talk to a lawyer about it because it could easily cost me $300-900 a month (thank god she works) if she actually tries to take me for it, which she already once threatened to do (desperation). This has been the main reason I have been hesitant to deal with the situation.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15810136 - 02/14/12 09:45 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Man u made this thread in January. To still be dateing and to be dating someone you don't want to be dating on Valentines day, that is some cruel. she must have had the worst valentines day ever dating a guy who isnt even into her.
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c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK
Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 4,649
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #2]
#15810823 - 02/14/12 11:52 PM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Hearing that makes me so glad I put my foot down on not signing a lease with my last two girlfriends, going through a split up like that really sucks, fortunately at the time it happened to me I think me and the cow knew we hated each other so I just had to live through her being a bitch to me for a month before we could part ways
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sof4r0ckeRs1984
Alice and Bob
Registered: 07/30/10
Posts: 1,348
Loc: so fa away
Last seen: 7 months, 4 days
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15812328 - 02/15/12 09:26 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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Seriously dude... I see you're not into handling such situations... who is? Showing her that there is a life after you is a great positive responsibility that you should take. Otherwise you waste your own life too.
Do you sleep in one bed with her? That's the first thing you should stop doing. Tell her it's not because she's disgusting, but that it's just not what it was and life goes on. Now when she recognizes that life DOES go on, you might notice a sudden change in her behaviour as she's getting the strength to stand alone and do you some bad, or just be grown up and cut her losses.
In the second case you don't have anything to fear, but in the first case you need to be prepared. As she will build self-confidence, which is crucial to make her want to split up, she might gain self confidence to attack you, either with words, in a legal sense but rather not that much in a physical way. Prepare for being threatened and pressurized.
Always remember that you work for the great goal of being free again one day.
--------------------
The Horrors... Really bad example of dosage, set and setting.
[quote]starfire_xes said:
Don't worry about being ugly. Beauty is only skin deep.
Ugly goes all the way to the bone....
[/quote]
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Larrythescaryrex
teardrop on the fire
Registered: 07/20/00
Posts: 10,721
Loc: further down the spiral
Last seen: 7 days, 15 hours
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Re: How to end a relationship with someone you are living with [Re: sof4r0ckeRs1984]
#15817188 - 02/16/12 06:13 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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I really want to help with this.
Please to be giving me phone number.
I'll even present it in the form of an occa pella song.
--------------------
Sunset_Mission said:
"larry the scary rex
verily scary when thoroughly vexed
invoke the shadows and dust, cast a hex
mercifully massacring memories masterfully
relocate from Ur to 8th density and become a cosmic bully
mulder and scully couldn't decipher his glyphs
invoke the shadows and dust, smoke infernal spliffs"
April 24th 2011
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