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 Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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 Save me from myself. 
#15470847 - 12/05/11 08:16 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I need a hobby or something, anything to break me free from my mental prison. It would seem the last year or so of my life has been lost to an excessive abuse of marijuana and a desire to rot away with the slow ticking of time. A lot of background info will follow:
I dropped out of high school half-way through my senior year because I was disgusted by the public school system. To me it seemed that there was extreme amounts of indoctrination into a one-size fits all societal system with which I did not agree. I knew people were successful without school because what truly matters is applicable experiential knowledge. However, the only activity I filled my time with was smoking ganj and reading large quantities of politically related material on the internet.
The lesson learned from dropping out is that school prepared me for absolutely nothing. I'm unable to find a job and quite frankly am scared of trying because of the rejection and stigma of being a drop-out. I do work part-time cleaning for my grandfathers cleaning company and am so intrigued by the idea of starting and running my own business (I've never been one to submit to authority and find the idea of having a "Boss" to be highly degrading) but again, school has never taught me how to do anything except paper work.
There was a very long period of my life where my grandparents were basically paying the bills to take care of me and I was living on my own selling drugs for pocket money. After 6 months of this I actually got VERY physically ill, the diagnosis was some sort of auto-immune disease (it's a toss-up between rheumatic fever and still's disease). I was hospitalized twice and then on my recovery I took an eighth of mushrooms. This revealed to me all the cognitive dissonance I had with regards to justifying my lifestyle (or decline thereof) and the ways in which my behavior had directly affected my family. I even had the belief that my current physical condition was a direct result of my internal mental condition (and still do somewhat.) Essentially my ego was shattered and during the trip all I wanted to do was wake up with my ego again where everything was okay. When I woke up the next morning I felt rattled emotionally, like someone had just kicked my ass - self confidence had gone out the window. Since that point I've noticed a serious decline in my cognitive abilities. I started looking into schizophrenia and find that I fit a ton of the symptoms, especially this chronic derealization and decline in social functioning I've been having. There's also an extreme lack of emotion and im very self-aware that I don't feel the same as I used to.
I could certainly use someone to talk to about all these things that have been plaguing my mind and really could use some guidance. The information contained in this post is maybe 1/10000 of the relevant info to my case. I feel as though my life is meaningless and is going absolutely nowhere. I've considered seeing a psychologist but I don't want to be put on medications because I KNOW I'm not insane (based solely off the fact that the definition of sane is a loose one at best), but am having a severe identity crisis. I also don't feel comfortable sharing all the information with regards to my drug use as well.
Thanks to everyone in advance for the advice given.
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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circastes
Being too serious
Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 5,652
Loc: 
Last seen: 5 hours, 33 minutes
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If you're afraid of being "rejected" by an employer (which is kind of odd) go through a free employment agency. I got my current job that way.
As for the rest of it, you sound a bit like myself. That means you're not alone.
Which symptoms of schizophrenia do you have? It doesn't seem to be common knowledge that flattening of the emotions is tied to schizophrenia, as is cloudy thinking, irrational guilt, and other seemingly minor things.
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"Your salvation may lie in a rational apprehension of the present moment."
-Terence McKenna
she said there's good men
that there's God in everyone
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 Delicious Apes
Registered: 10/31/08
Posts: 3,579
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The exact same thing happened to me, regarding the feelings of disillusionment with the school system. I felt at the time that the whole constructed nature of it was going directly against the interests of my individual. Before long, in senior year as you say, I had enough and threw in the towel.
Quote:
I started looking into schizophrenia and find that I fit a ton of the symptoms, especially this chronic derealization and decline in social functioning I've been having. There's also an extreme lack of emotion and im very self-aware that I don't feel the same as I used to.
This is a huge mistake. Don't fall into the pitfall of making any self-diagnosis, even if it's tentative or you're just trying to find answers.
Only follow up positive thoughts when you're on your own. Build, make effort, try leave behind all of this examination, rumination and harsh self-criticism because when mental diseases like that are allowed to grow they become paralyzing. I do the same thing to myself and if I'm lucky, become self aware of it happening and pull myself out of it before it ruins my day.
I can absolutely identify with the notion you have of your physical ill being some kind of manifestation of your emotional problems.
Drop the conception you have of having a boss being degrading. Come on now. Were you born yesterday? Haha.
Good luck
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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Re: Save me from myself. [Re: circastes]
#15471307 - 12/05/11 09:37 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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My fear of being rejected stems from past experiences (drug related) I was fired for being high at work at my first and only "real" job. So when I get to that point on my application it triggers anxiety more often then not.
As far as my schizophrenic symptoms I find that I have almost all of them aside from the more severe hallucinations (which I still have experienced.) When I first started smoking weed I got real scared that my mom was going to come home and catch me and after I fell asleep I literally woke up to what sounded like my mothers voice yelling my name RIGHT in my ear. IT scared the fuck out of me but I quickly established it wasn't real. After that point it was never an issue and I still don't hear any coherent "voices" or anything to that effect. I do have points where I see things in my vision and my mind registers them as something else (one example was dropping a friend off at his house in a buddy's car and on the ride home out of the corner of my eye I saw someone sitting in the seat next to me. I quickly realized it was just the seat cover but these odd hallucinations started happening fairly frequently, Im fully able to realize they aren't real though.)
Negative symptoms - Lack of pleasure in everyday life - I literally feel NO emotion except very rarely. I literally feel like a shell of the former self that I once inhabited.
Lack of ability to begin and sustain planned activities
Speaking little, even when forced to interact.
Extremely disorganized thoughts, its almost like they're racing by and I can't ever catch them!
I definitely thought block quite a bit but this stems from speaking my mind and thinking people will not agree with my opinion. There are more specific examples I could give but ever since researching schizophrenia I happen to notice symptoms of it in everybody.
There was also a fairly large period during my life (between when I dropped out and when I had this realization of being schizo on shrooms) that me and a friend were noticing all sorts of synchronicity and basically were thrust into a spiritual search which we called the "5th dimension." The thing is, all these beliefs would be considered delusional by some but rational by others which is the issue I have with schizo. Who the fuck determines what normal is anyway?
None of these words really do a good job of summing up the uneasiness I feel normally, but I'm glad you guys can relate. I've been down on myself a lot lately so its good to know there's others out there who feel the same.
What's up with these free employment agencies? Incoming google research haha!
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
Edited by Mr.Monsanto (12/05/11 10:04 PM)
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MotherNaturesSon
the United States of Love
Registered: 05/21/09
Posts: 783
Last seen: 21 hours, 33 minutes
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you are depressed. now i know that doesnt say a lot because the word has such varied meaning, people use the word depressing in matters that aren't depressing at all.
What is depression? If you live vicariously through another person or habit, or a thing... let us say you rely on that person, habit, lifestyle, philosophy entirely-- once you loose either, you loose your identity. Because you put everything into the said concept, which isn't a good thing to do. That is a kind of dependency.
Usually we are the opposite of what we have been implying to ourselves, especially if we do so constantly. You value independence because you are, you feel dependent on others. You may not want to be or don't agree with such a behavioral policy, but you are dependent on, say, your grandparents or the person who is to hire you. Do you understand?
You seem to have fear-of-rejection issues and they may go deeper than you might think. Your choice to drop out of school for which you have stated the reason for doing, may have happened because that you are in fact terrified of rejection and would rather not involve yourself in an activity if it carries the risk of rejection. the reason behind this usually resides deeply in childhood and relationship with parents.
as for the shrooms doing what they did let me put it this way: this has happened to me as well. exactly the way you described it. i had loads of stuff i hadnt been keeping up with in my life, was covering up my worries with intoxication (marijuana), but in the end, after a strong trip on shrooms these things surfaced. This is not a bad thing however. the mushroom has literally made you face the consequences of your past actions, those that have shaped who you are today.
i could say that in my case it was slightly worse. I had hallucinations (especially with closed eyes), sensitivity to light to a dregree where the slightes tof lights would leave afterimages (could even see my room made out of light patches after closing me eyes), STRONG derealization that is almost subsided, racing thoughts and panic attacks every now and then. all this was a culmination of my dulled worries such as "im not putting enough effort into uni, ill be thrown out.." or "im not being very good at living responsibly as an adult, i cant fix m own shit, my parent are still looking out for me as if i were a kid and the worst part is i probably AM".
what you need to understand is that the loss of your identity due to the wipe is what causes the "feeling not normal" or "not as yourself" or "in a dream". this feeling will remain until you have found yourself again. it is loss of identity, that is what derealization/depersonalization is. you can loose your identity if youre brought up with a philosophy of life that doesn't reinforce you. If youre brought of with a set of values as "do the right thing and everything will work out all right" and if it doesn't work out all right- you become depressed. because you loose predictability. if you have predictability about yourself and other people you can anticipate certain things. if a businessman retires, he may become depressed because he has no game to play, he looses predictability as business was what he had put his identity into.
a depressed person always seems to have a low self-image ("im not getting anywhere in life") its all low self-sufficiency to start with.
what you need to do is simple and trust me, it is that simple:
find something you like to do
do the SHIT out of it!
though it, participate in the social life to achieve social reinforcement because no matter what we may think, as social creatures we crave for the reinforcement of others.
you must keep your mind off your current state at all times. because once you put your self-image into the depressive state (thinking this is who you are), youre going to have a lot of trouble.
do no self-diagnose. let me dismantle your fear of schizophrenia once and for all because i had the exact same fears: a schizophrenic will never know that he is going mad. if you are questioning your sanity, you are in fact very sane albeit anxious. anxiety is reinforced by fear, fear is enforced by keeping your mind on the topic.
you need to change your lifestyle completely in order to mold and shape a new self a new identity. because what the shrooms have done is taken your identity and destroyed it because you were never truly happy with it in the first place.
this topic should be named "help me find myself" instead.
Remember: you are depressed and anxious. reading through your posts i can see you have slight symptoms of grandeur as I did. you must discard these kind of thoughts at once. you will find it difficult to do anything but trust me, im still on the road to full recovery after my horrific depressive state and the trick is to realize that with doing something even forcibly (like finishing a planned action) you are in fact healing yourself. and thats something you want more than anything else right?
also, start doing new shit. stuff you didnt use to do. i for one found i love dancing after visiting a club. so i go to clubs and dance in the weekends. keep your mind off the cosmic thoughts as for now and focus more on yourself.
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Excerpts of inner dialogue VI-VI-VI:
"Im no saint, but I do have genuine intentions."
"So you believe in intensions?"
"No. I believe in being genuine."
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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@mothernaturesSon - I appreciate your advice more then you know and you're 100 percent correct about me. This thread in essence is more about trying to find myself and I realized a lot of this right around the time you made that post. After a long chat with my good friend who is stuck in a similar mental state, I concluded that all of this stems from being unhappy with my lifestyle and not knowing deep down who I am or what I want. obviously these things are personal and subjective but at this point I really am at a loss. I have no real hobbies but seek engagement for my mind, and have no idea what to look for. Youre so correct though about needing to find something to "do the shit out of" lol its just difficult because my only real "hobby" prior to this state of mind was drug use and that only exacerbates the issue. The fear of rejection also comes from a lot of things like trust issues and bad interpersonal relationships but I'm very aware of these things now, the only true problem is finding the solution. Im so unmotivated, and I know thats just me continuously approaching myself with a defeatist attitude but im trying to adjust it. I guess in good time with the right attitude I can start to get my positive outlook back. Your words helped me solidify some viewpoints which hopefully help me in my road to recovery and I wish you the best of luck on yours. Thank you for helping me out of this low point in my life.
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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Shins
Fun guy
Registered: 09/15/04
Posts: 11,355
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I can relate.
but SLOW DOWN A MINUTE
i know what its like to feel like all these things are piling on and so on.
dont try to overthink or do everything at once.
im personally pretty creative, and when i get ansy i like to start a new project.
wood and stone carving is my medium, i like to do something constructive.
just dont overwhelm yourself with anxiety, one step at a time.
i find that i can get anxious abouta challenging project, but the axiety goes away right when i start.
once that blade hits stone im in the zone, very theraputic.
as far as general life stress, im sad to say its likely to stick around, economic times are rough, and its a real pressure steamer out there.
just try not to take everything on at once and try to find those simple pleasures that make you happy.
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cuongtbh
Fellow Tripper
Registered: 05/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: Melbourne
Last seen: 2 days, 28 minutes
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Quote:
Mr.Monsanto said:
My fear of being rejected stems from past experiences (drug related) I was fired for being high at work at my first and only "real" job. So when I get to that point on my application it triggers anxiety more often then not.
As far as my schizophrenic symptoms I find that I have almost all of them aside from the more severe hallucinations (which I still have experienced.) When I first started smoking weed I got real scared that my mom was going to come home and catch me and after I fell asleep I literally woke up to what sounded like my mothers voice yelling my name RIGHT in my ear. IT scared the fuck out of me but I quickly established it wasn't real. After that point it was never an issue and I still don't hear any coherent "voices" or anything to that effect. I do have points where I see things in my vision and my mind registers them as something else (one example was dropping a friend off at his house in a buddy's car and on the ride home out of the corner of my eye I saw someone sitting in the seat next to me. I quickly realized it was just the seat cover but these odd hallucinations started happening fairly frequently, Im fully able to realize they aren't real though.)
Negative symptoms - Lack of pleasure in everyday life - I literally feel NO emotion except very rarely. I literally feel like a shell of the former self that I once inhabited.
Lack of ability to begin and sustain planned activities
Speaking little, even when forced to interact.
Extremely disorganized thoughts, its almost like they're racing by and I can't ever catch them!
I definitely thought block quite a bit but this stems from speaking my mind and thinking people will not agree with my opinion. There are more specific examples I could give but ever since researching schizophrenia I happen to notice symptoms of it in everybody.
There was also a fairly large period during my life (between when I dropped out and when I had this realization of being schizo on shrooms) that me and a friend were noticing all sorts of synchronicity and basically were thrust into a spiritual search which we called the "5th dimension." The thing is, all these beliefs would be considered delusional by some but rational by others which is the issue I have with schizo. Who the fuck determines what normal is anyway?
None of these words really do a good job of summing up the uneasiness I feel normally, but I'm glad you guys can relate. I've been down on myself a lot lately so its good to know there's others out there who feel the same.
What's up with these free employment agencies? Incoming google research haha!
Dude I am in the exact same boat as you are. I believe this happened to me after a few bad shrooms and LSD trip, it made me feel so isolated and alone, I can't connect with anyone. Not only that my thoughts have become so incoherent, I can't seem to come up with stimulating response to keep a conversation going and feel very "dull" or empty almost every day of the week. I was also considering to go see a doctor or psychologist but then realized that they will probably jack me up on anti-depressants or whatnot, that is definitely something that I do not want to do.
I've been doing some research and there are a few people who are also in the same boat, I think that the only way out of this rut is to stop ALL drugs for a while, get some regular physical exercise and improve your diet. I've been meaning to do these things but it's just so hard to find the motivation.
Anyways man good luck with your recovery.
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AcidMonster
Mindful Warrior
Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 472
Loc: OR
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Running, art, and meditation. They all take work and practice. Working on cars if you have the money. That's what I do with my spare time.
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floydisgod
whoa
Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 802
Loc: satur9 
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Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd
Smiling
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MotherNaturesSon
the United States of Love
Registered: 05/21/09
Posts: 783
Last seen: 21 hours, 33 minutes
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So, in a nutshell:
No mind numbing drugs like weed or psychedelic for a while. A year should do.
Try to exercise.
Try to get regular sleep.
Stay positive and don't cut yourself from the social world. You need it now more than ever.
You MUST find something to put your new identity into. Work on something you like. A hobby of sort.
Get social stimulation and acknowledgment.
Change habits and daily behavior.
You'll feel much better after the first half a year. Full recovery will happen eventually.
I had a friend who could get freaked out smoking weed. Bad anxiety, thinking hes getting a heart attack. He stopped smoking altogether and started working on painting. He worked really hard and now that hes become really successful with it he says he feels great and in sync with his life. He smokes weed again, says it doesnt give him anymore trouble.
Im telling you bro, you might just have a bit of a more intense case like I did. Thing will get better. When people used to tell me this i thought "but they dont know how horrible i feel, how can i be certain this aint permanent damage?" well it aint. Youll be alright, youll come out stronger and stronger the better you feel.
Just remember- constructive and productiveness is THE most important factor that will help you regain self-identity and heightened your self-image.
Everything is going to be fine. Dont freak out if youre gonna have thoughts like "what if i feel so depressed ill jump out a window without actually wanting to?" these are intrusive anxious thoughts that are very natural for a person in your state.
Ignore them, completely.
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Excerpts of inner dialogue VI-VI-VI:
"Im no saint, but I do have genuine intentions."
"So you believe in intensions?"
"No. I believe in being genuine."
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blkjkrabbit
Registered: 07/22/07
Posts: 4,971
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I agree with the previous post.
The modern information age has abstracted the shit out of your/our minds to the point of madness.
UNPLUG YOURSELF
Focus your attention on whatever is directly infront of you and give it 100% of your consideration as to how to respond correctly. Focus on doing the right thing at all times.
Also, live simply, find a rigorous physical activity you enjoy and get passionate about it.
Eat well, exercise, find purpose and meaning in the simplicity.
If you do not find a real purpose to live for, your life will sputter to a grinding halt/crisis.
For many, that real purpose is love. Find love
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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I appreciate all the advice and am taking steps to engage myself and more thoroughly immerse myself in the present moment. naturesson if you dont mind me PMing you I would love to talk a little more with yah. I've cut back on the weed as of right now but still smoke occassionally, I need to find some new friends with different interests because surrounding myself with the same drug-using scene is taking a toll on my passions. It would seem that my psyche is still deteriorating and associations between words and thoughts are very loose. I hope to get out of this mess soon.
--------------------
"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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MotherNaturesSon
the United States of Love
Registered: 05/21/09
Posts: 783
Last seen: 21 hours, 33 minutes
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you are free to PM me at any time, friend.
Stay safe.
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Excerpts of inner dialogue VI-VI-VI:
"Im no saint, but I do have genuine intentions."
"So you believe in intensions?"
"No. I believe in being genuine."
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fngbronco
Monkey Man
Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 2,851
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Can you still enroll and graduate school? I'd say start there, that'll alleviate a lot of your mental distress. If not get a GED, but the sense of accomplishing school will work wonders for your confidence brotha. Sorry this is short,  me if you'd like to talk more, gotta get to bed, but trust me, the work force is way more bullshit than public schools lol. You forfeit your rights for a dollar lol, accomplish something great before you jump into the rat race!
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I challenge you to challenge yourself more! When you feel complacent and ready to hang it up, challenge yourself to get over it! If you fail, don't look at it as you didn't succeed, look at it as you would a rock face you're trying to climb. Stand back, wayyyy back, and look at it and plot another path. If you can't find one, shuffle down the way a little, a little change of scenery or a view from a different angle may give you the insight you need.
Anything I state is relayed information from a friend of a friend and should be viewed as completely fictitious. I do not partake in any illegal or grey-area-of-the-law activities, but do have lots of friends who may or may not. -fngbronco
Pill Divider Agar Tek
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cateyes
Registered: 12/16/03
Posts: 2,754
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Quote:
Mr.Monsanto said:
I need a hobby or something, anything to break me free from my mental prison. It would seem the last year or so of my life has been lost to an excessive abuse of marijuana and a desire to rot away with the slow ticking of time. A lot of background info will follow:
I dropped out of high school half-way through my senior year because I was disgusted by the public school system. To me it seemed that there was extreme amounts of indoctrination into a one-size fits all societal system with which I did not agree. I knew people were successful without school because what truly matters is applicable experiential knowledge. However, the only activity I filled my time with was smoking ganj and reading large quantities of politically related material on the internet.
The lesson learned from dropping out is that school prepared me for absolutely nothing. I'm unable to find a job and quite frankly am scared of trying because of the rejection and stigma of being a drop-out. I do work part-time cleaning for my grandfathers cleaning company and am so intrigued by the idea of starting and running my own business (I've never been one to submit to authority and find the idea of having a "Boss" to be highly degrading) but again, school has never taught me how to do anything except paper work.
There was a very long period of my life where my grandparents were basically paying the bills to take care of me and I was living on my own selling drugs for pocket money. After 6 months of this I actually got VERY physically ill, the diagnosis was some sort of auto-immune disease (it's a toss-up between rheumatic fever and still's disease). I was hospitalized twice and then on my recovery I took an eighth of mushrooms. This revealed to me all the cognitive dissonance I had with regards to justifying my lifestyle (or decline thereof) and the ways in which my behavior had directly affected my family. I even had the belief that my current physical condition was a direct result of my internal mental condition (and still do somewhat.) Essentially my ego was shattered and during the trip all I wanted to do was wake up with my ego again where everything was okay. When I woke up the next morning I felt rattled emotionally, like someone had just kicked my ass - self confidence had gone out the window. Since that point I've noticed a serious decline in my cognitive abilities. I started looking into schizophrenia and find that I fit a ton of the symptoms, especially this chronic derealization and decline in social functioning I've been having. There's also an extreme lack of emotion and im very self-aware that I don't feel the same as I used to.
I could certainly use someone to talk to about all these things that have been plaguing my mind and really could use some guidance. The information contained in this post is maybe 1/10000 of the relevant info to my case. I feel as though my life is meaningless and is going absolutely nowhere. I've considered seeing a psychologist but I don't want to be put on medications because I KNOW I'm not insane (based solely off the fact that the definition of sane is a loose one at best), but am having a severe identity crisis. I also don't feel comfortable sharing all the information with regards to my drug use as well.
Thanks to everyone in advance for the advice given.
i don't know how i overlooked this thread when you first posted, please forgive me... i can be long winded, especially in a case like this but i'll try to summarize. after reading your two relevant posts i want to offer some insight on how i see things. you are not schizophrenic, you express forms of anxiety and depression. you say you think your physical issues are a result of your mental state, this may be because there is a direct relationship between mind and body, this is not some new age bullshit, but i honestly believe it's body over mind here. i can't overlook stills disease, this is auto immune we're talking here. i watched a pretty comprehensive video on Utube on it moments ago. it blows my mind that it always has to be a medication to cure when in reality all the meds do is mask symptoms. you're eating things that are tripping you up in a big way that a standard IgE will never reveal. i doubt you have insurance since you only work part time, or are you covered working under your grandfather? if you're covered i'd suggest you find a qualified allergist who believes in testing for allergies using an IgG test. the standard IgE test is for immediate response to an allergen, this is a test that was developed in the 1930's. IgG tests check for what is called a "delayed reaction" response. allergic reactions result in inflammation, and if this inflammation is allowed to continue for a long enough period of time major disease can/will set in. what type of disease that sets in is determined by our genetic predisposition... one person may develop a specific form of cancer, another may develop MS, another diabetes, some develop joint disease, christ the possibilities are endless and it's all based on the gene message. your body is in a hyper auto immune state, this is because you are allergic to something and neither you or your doctors are aware of this. and you don't have to have a rash, headaches or a runny nose to have sever allergies. you have the symptoms of classic delayed response. and because your body is under assault, your mind is taken along for the ride... yes monsanto, there is a body mind connection like you pointed out only i think your looking in the wrong direction. if you can't get an IgG, i can try to help you identify the shits that's tripping you over. your name, mr monsanto, god the fucking irony in it. monsanto, the company itself may be playing a direct role in your shit  what i mean by this is they have fucked up this planet so badly that if they're allowed to continue, we may never recover from it. we are one of a very small group of developed nations that allow the wide spread use of it's seeds, hormones and pesticide. other countries forbid imports and strictly limit testing... we are now an open experiment and the verdict will come in in the future. here in the states some say over 70% of the foods we generally eat have been modified. has this modified process created new proteins? i say fuck yes... our bodies are the byproduct of billions of years of evolution that relied on specific proteins for development and only recently, recently in the big picture, we began eat to shit food. their shit food, modified proteins our bodies have never seen before. if you carefully look at disease statistics you'll see disease has been a steep incline over decades in a country who is supposed to have the highest rated health care system. mr monsanto, monsantos foods might be kicking you squarely in the teeth.
you dropped out of school, that was a bold move and i respect your reasons but lets face it monsanto, we can have our opinions or concerns about the world but it doesn't make sense to me to let it get to me to the degree it makes it impossible to fit in. fitting in is not copping out... and what do i mean by fit in? working and doing the things that you enjoy, not what media tells you to enjoy... do you have your GED? that would be a good first step and may help you feel better about yourself because in my eyes, you need to begin to feel better about yourself. if you get your GED, you can take the next step and continue your education... you don't need a PhD, you don't even need a BS, i'd suggest learning a good trade. i'd even take it one step further and suggest looking into finding a solid hvac/r school... if you do well in school and make the right career moves while working, you can develop skills you can take with you anywhere around the world. the only thing that would limit you at that point is the language barrier. this type of job will always be in demand. here in new jersey my brother in law is a union steward fitter... there are hundreds of guys out of work, but the service group in the very same union is looking, no dying for qualified technicians. no one is laid off in hvac/r service... i worked with guys who only had a high school education and trade school behind them making $50-60 grand plus per year plus overtime, plus benefits, plus retirement savings, plus cutting edge training. plus respect man... there's nothing like having a highly educated engineer looking for you to help him/her help solve their problem... talk about a boost to self esteem... it doesn't get any better then receiving respect from others. by the way, hvac/r is an acronym for heating, ventilating, air conditioning and refrigeration... my expertise is heavy ac and refrigeration.
smoking weed might not be the best decision for you right now. your derealization is a high anxiety state. smoking weed can cause anxiety/derealization. you don't have to be under the influence to experience anxiety, some people experience anxiety as a result of not being high, it's rare, but it does happen... if it happens while your high you have to be honest with yourself. DR or DP can begin to come on even under the mildest anxiety state. believe it or not, it's the brains way of protecting itself from your subconscious. it can sense subtle changes it relates to anxiety coming on and make an attempt to prevent or protect against it. it's that body/mind thing you were referring to. once this shit passes, you can start smoking again if you so chose... and while we're on drugs, the mushroom didn't let you down... it showed you things some people never get to see, yourself... what's deep down and sometimes when this happens, we don't like what we see and that's exactly what happened to you. don't use psychedelics now if you have even the slightest anxiety or negative thought at this point, but don't turn your back completely on psilocybin, because i have this feeling you can even grow more from it at some other point int he future. i trip once, maybe twice a month, drink wine on occasion and have smoked weed maybe a half a dozen times during the past year... when this is all behind you, you can make your own decision what's right for you...
don't live in the past monsanto, forgive yourself if you have any issues with yourself and definitely forgive others who may have messed with you. chose a path carefully and start walking down it. i'm guessing you're young, so short of the world collapsing, which we can't control ourselves you have a brighter future then you're aware of right now... and you know what is really weird? you seem to have a higher level of self awareness then others short of your physical problems which i've already said i think you can beat everything else is purely psychological. your subconscious is operating using corrupted data..
i hope this coming new year is the beginning of a new chapter in the life of monsantno...
Kensho 
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mcspargeslarg
Human
Registered: 12/18/10
Posts: 31
Last seen: 11 months, 11 days
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There's a lot of great advice in this thread. I have been down the same road after a lot of drug use and political reading on the internet (illuminati aint got shit on me). Anyway I found some stuff to do and I've been doing the shit out of it. I became vegetarian (practically vegan now) and I stopped simply entertaining my self. It's been two years since I cracked and I have to say that I am doing pretty damn good now. This forum is phenomenal. I really feel like I can relate to you Mr.Monsanto (great name btw) and many others on here. The advice on here is so amazing and free I'm sure it will be illegal before long haha. Reaching out is one of if not the most important thing you can do and I believe that your life will turn around. Obviously you want things to change and I believe you have the will power to do so.
Stay Living friends! 
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The Time is Now
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shLong
Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10,276
Loc:
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As for suggestions as to what you can do in terms of activities to get out more.
Winter time
Pool/billiards
Darts
Bowling
All have leagues in which you can meet new people in a calm setting.
Summer
Softballs
Kickball
Flag football
(Again, leagues)
Then, there is volunteer work. Humane society, hospitals, etc
Book clubs?
Idk, there's gotta be something you enjoy which can get you out there more...?
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sonavapreacha
Stranger
Registered: 02/02/10
Posts: 188
Last seen: 2 hours, 25 minutes
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Re: Save me from myself. [Re: shLong]
#15577053 - 12/27/11 09:08 AM (1 year, 4 months ago) |
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There was a time when I felt just as you did. I was in college, going for my BSN. Then I started hanging out with a crowd who just got high all day. I began to abuse weed pretty bad(about 2-3 blunts daily), and I began to feel my previous confident self erode. I began to be consumed with anxiety, constantly, and I soon developed acute ED. I dropped out of Nursing school, lost many friends, and my g/f. I pretty much needed a 360 turnaround, so I got clean and joined the army. For the most part, I pretty much hate it, but I have lost about 20 lbs, got married back to my old g/f who is a nurse, and have accumulated wealth that I didn't think was possible. I am now a PA candidate due to my background, and I am pretty much on track. Moral is, you gotta find your outlet to get out of the haze, no matter what a lot of these guys tell you. Hey, someone has to play devil's advocate from time to time.
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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Hey everyone, just wanted to give an update for all the people who found themselves in a situation similar to mine. I started applying myself a lot more in an attempt to find things I enjoy and to really get to know who I am. Im now working 2 jobs, one of which is at a dog daycare/boarding facility and although the pay isnt the best, its practically my dream job. My first paycheck went towards taking my girl out to an A Day to Remember and Rise Against concert and since then not only has my mentally clarity increased but so have my social skills and general happiness. I even did something I would normally NEVER do, and sparked up convo with some random girl and got her number. Ive completely quit smoking weed, and find myself way better off without it. Multple times I've tripped on my own homegrowns and every experience has been better then the last. In a span of 2 months my attitude has gone from contemplating suicide daily to striving for an apartment and saving money to get me through college, all while seeing the beauty in the little aspects of life I forgot about for so long. I want to thank everyone for their advice, especially you Catseye, even though you didnt respond to my PM, that post of yours helped me through some of the most trying times of my life to date. The part about forgiving myself has been resonating inside me every day and I could never thank you enough. Shroomerites, you are all such wonderful people. I want all of you to know that if anyone relates to this thread, im here for you and will listen, just shoot me a PM!
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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cateyes
Registered: 12/16/03
Posts: 2,754
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wow man, i'm so sorry i didn't get back to you... i remember sending you a PM telling you i responded to your post and then when you Pmed me saying you were thinking about becoming a police officer i wanted to hold off responding and talking to my biological father about the idea since he's a retired state police lieutenant but even talking to him about it slipped my mind. i remember my concern was the educational requirements you might have to deal with because i remember him telling me the state police require a BS minimum now and even in my home town they require a BS too...
i haven't been on the shroomery server for over a week now after i got banned for 24 hours over bullshit... i needed a break to gather my head but i remember feeling it was important to toggle this thread just in case you posted a follow up and i was right! i was working at my desk and my email tripped off with it's alarm and low and behold the notice of your post was in there, it had come in a little earlier when i stepped away from my desk... i can't really put into words what this means to me as the shroomery is very important to me and i really care what happens to people here on the server, but i reread my post to you and it came back to me that i missed the thread for about two weeks after you originally posted it and i found it by searching the second page for shits and giggles... it's really weird how things work out...
well it's great to see you're now offering to help others which is what this place is about, in my opinion at least. there's a very unique culture present here on this server and you've become a clear example for others that even when things look the bleakest then they've ever been and look at you now?!?! you're working steady and in school to be what you want to be and your social skills seem to be killer instinct now getting a girls number is no easy thing most times... i'll return to the shroomery this week some time but i just wanted to be the first to chime in on this great news! i've got to update a thread i made on MeetUp... i've got an awful lot to post about my last two MeetUps... Friday nights MeetUp was absolutely killer!!!
well you take good care for now Mr got it all together woman slayer, i'll be back maybe tomorrow or Wednesday...
PeaCe2U MrMonsanto, i'm really very happy you were able to pull it together so completely... this makes you such a huge winner man and this will stay with you for the rest of your life because once you pull yourself out of that type of grave man nothing can get in your way!!!
Kensho
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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Re: Save me from myself. [Re: cateyes]
#15906606 - 03/06/12 12:35 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Thanks buddy! i just wanted to let everyone know how things turned out and give you a special thanks for all your kind words. During some of my most serious down times I found myself rereading you and Naturessons posts, every time it quickly restored my faith in humanity and my own individual uniqueness. You're right about the culture on here and wanted you to know you're a beautiful addition to it all. Im sorry to hear you were banned as your input is always valuable to me, even in threads I dont post in but lurk on. Ive read a lot of your posts and the stuff I've gathered about you really impresses me more then you'll know. Even that meetup thread was a wealth of information, very beneficial to me and I'm so glad for every post you make on this message board. Although we've never met, I can tell you have an incredibly kind-hearted nature and felt it was important that you see how much you can have an effect on someone you hardly know - for the better. The fact that you would even think about asking a family member for information on a possible career choice for me says a lot about your character, and it doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you, and much unconditional love/good vibes from me to you!
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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circastes
Being too serious
Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 5,652
Loc:
Last seen: 5 hours, 33 minutes
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Quote:
blkjkrabbit said:
live simply
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"Your salvation may lie in a rational apprehension of the present moment."
-Terence McKenna
she said there's good men
that there's God in everyone
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circastes
Being too serious
Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 5,652
Loc:
Last seen: 5 hours, 33 minutes
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Re: Save me from myself. [Re: circastes]
#15906780 - 03/06/12 01:12 AM (1 year, 2 months ago) |
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Today I:
had coffee with my schizophrenic brother (I like getting him out the house)
picked up my new prescription glasses
washed the dishes
layed on the couch thinking nothing for hours
fell asleep for a few hours on the couch
got up and did 30 minutes of study (should be doing hours and hours today but fuck it)
played QuakeLIVE
...now I'm listening to Puscifer and posting on here.
Busy day for me!
"The Kingdom of Heaven is within you." - Jesus (& Buddha, & a billion other sages)
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"Your salvation may lie in a rational apprehension of the present moment."
-Terence McKenna
she said there's good men
that there's God in everyone
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AcidMonster
Mindful Warrior
Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 472
Loc: OR
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That's very nice to hear Mr.Monsanto. It's almost like you have been reborn, is it not? Continue to experience the world and let all that beauty come forth once again in this new perception. I love moments like these, I feel like I am living one and it only gets better and better! You will cover ground with amazing clarity and ambition to say the least. Cheers to the experience and again I'm glad to hear you have been open and receptive to this opportunity.
I feel like I should have offered more advice in my previous post however, many shroomerites on here indeed are great people that are willing to help and am happy they covered what was needed to be brought up.
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MotherNaturesSon
the United States of Love
Registered: 05/21/09
Posts: 783
Last seen: 21 hours, 33 minutes
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I am so very pleased to see the empathy and Love blooming this thread.
Mr.Monstanto, I'd like you to know just how highly fond I am of M&M's with peanuts! Your wishing had me smile.  You have my thanks.
I do hope you are doing well and reaping all according wisdom from this experience.
For remember-- your struggle is not a matter of prevalence, but rather that of progress.
Do not hesitate to put out any other concern that we, the caring part of the community, may assist you in dismantling. You have a Friend in us.
Third guide you. 
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Excerpts of inner dialogue VI-VI-VI:
"Im no saint, but I do have genuine intentions."
"So you believe in intensions?"
"No. I believe in being genuine."
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Mr.Monsanto
Trying to find the Way
Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 178
Loc: North-east
Last seen: 1 month, 19 days
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Cateyes, I really hope you see this message and can respond to this ASAP. I've been completely in remission with myStills disease since november, and just recently I had a fever and sore throat 3 nights in a row. The doctor tested me for strep throat and I tested positive (strep has been the precursor to Stills diseas for me every time. at 13, 18 and now, I have flared up directly following a strep infection) it has been 2 days since the strep cleared up and I awoke yesterday morningwith a stiff and painful ankle. it is now one day after that exact experience ad my whole body is aching. I am almost positive I will be in the hospital in a few days depending on how long I hold out to stay in work. Im very interested in what you though could be the issue with me, as I'll be seeing doctors soon and trying to get a treatment plan for (stills disease) immediately. if there's a possibility of something else causing this, I want to explor that avenue. it's urgent because I'm only going to get exponentially worse over the next few days. after body pains comes fatigue, nausea, inability to eat or retain fluids due to dehydration and vomiting, then practically immobalized from body pain - muscle swelling and joint stiffness. honestly, I cant deal with this again. it is happening at such a horrible point in time. my girlfriend moves away to college 500 miles away in august and I dont want to spend our last month together in the hospital. nor do i want to risk my dog training apprenticeship. this is horrible 
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"Let me mention what I've been thinking
How to save the children, when the ship is sinking
So I'm singing, no lip syncing to slogans
Political hooligans with tanks, missiles and guns
Everything is relative when it's all in the family of man
Understand the time has finally come to realise the great power of one
All formulas equalise under the Sun, amen"
Nujabes & Shing.02
We have the power to change the world when we realize how powerful the hearts and minds of men truly are.
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Anonymous #1
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cateyes is on the banned list.
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Anonymous #2
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Why?
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