Being a Newborn can be challenging, especially if you still have vivid memories of your previous life. Now ~ I have to find different ways to approach my life, and possess an entirely new attitude. If I notice myself having emotional funkiness, I have to access the situation and redirect the energy. And I must be diligent about it. Consistency is key in retraining the brain.
Psychedelics are awesome tools for healing. They gave me a chance to feel who I was on my highest vibration. If I hadn't felt that, I might not have any idea what the target is.
I thought I was gonna write a trip report, but I am not sure if I can. Instead I might just trickle occasional details because my mescaline trip was SO LONG (started at 5pm Saturday, went to 12:30AM on Monday) that I don't think I can possibly record every possible event and insight that came upon me. And there are so many private thoughts and realizations that swept over me, some impossible to articulate. In truth I don't feel like writing in this blog at all but it is helping me feel more centered so here goes. I feel like isolating myself from now until forever because my focus is so redirected. For awhile now, my focus has been on the external world; where am I going to be, who am I going to talk to, what am I going to do. I had a shift on my trip that shoved me SO DEEP INSIDE myself that I became the Essence of Love. I discovered that I have an infinite source of love inside of me and with the ego removed, love and understanding poured out all over the world.
I don't think isolation is what I need anyway. No where to hide. Plus love is most amazing when it is shared.
So here's a brief summary of my mega-trip:
After I dosed heavily and puked violently, I was ready to roll. Kevin and I wanted to get to Ocean Beach before he started tripping too much, so we left. When we got there, the sun was just starting to go down, so we went out to the cliffs to stare out at the roiling ocean. We went to the beach and as soon as I saw the ocean I freaked out with joy. It looked AWESOME, truly amazing; the ocean was every color imaginable and so incredibly shimmery. I felt like I was in a cartoon! We took off our shoes and ran to the water and it was truly incredible to feel the ocean trying to pull me in. We played in the sand and it was just so great. Then we walked to the rocky cliffs. This was one of the best parts of my whole trip, because the cliffs were deserted since the sun was going down. Sitting on the cliffs under a blanket, watching the tide smash into the rocks and come SO SO close was incredible. It felt like the entire cliffside vibrated and shook whenever the waves rushed in. I had never seen the tide that high, and it felt like the ocean was trying to get me. Kevin and I walked to a very isolated part of the cliffs, and we sat on sandy rocks and watched the sea and clouds and all the amazing colors. I saw INCREDIBLE visions in the rocks and sand and waves. I took out my journal and I worked on my novel with amazing results, wonderful ideas and new perspectives swelling up inside of me. I LOVE using psychedelics with creative intent.
By the time it was getting dark, I was melting and the sea and the sky became one! I felt like I was swimming in air. The patterns and fractals that I witnessed in the layers of reality were insane. Kevin and I wandered back along the cliffs to return to the beach and see what was going on in Newport. We were walking towards the beach when I saw two interesting-looking girls standing together on the wall by the beach. One of them had a guitar over her shoulder and was walking 3 dogs, and instantly I ran up to her and begged her to play a song for me. She looked into my eyes and I instantly felt a kinship with this girl. She had a soft face and soft eyes that told me she was kind inside. She laughed and said, "This ain't mine, I can't play a note." I said, "Oh," and the other girl told me, "I can sing!" And I encouraged her to go for it, and she proceeded to sing me a song about herpes!
I laughed my ass off, and we all made introductions. I only remember Jesse, the young girl with the guitar and the three dogs. As we talked I saw the sleeping bag on her back and realized she was homeless and I felt very intrigued by her. I spent some time by the wall talking with Jesse about her lifestyle, how she does it, how she handles her dogs being transient, where she was from (Kentucky) etc. We really hit it off. I felt so innocent and young compared to her, although she was clearly my age, or younger. Jesse was tough-shit. She asked me if I was "going to the beach party," and I said I didn't know there was one and then...YES. Take me to the beach party.
So we wandered away with Jesse, helping her carry some of her stuff, and she introduced us to a few of her transient friends as we walked in the twilight together. I met "Green Hex" an amazing guitar player (that was his guitar Jesse was holding), and Cristo, and an Australian musician who had came to America specifically to make a living with music. He met up with other musicians in OB and now travels around playing wherever he can. It was SOO exciting while I was tripping ballz to meet new people! Anyway, all of us walked down the beach until I heard something. It was Emanicpator and it was coming from a stereo system on this huge parade of people! I found myself surrounded by 1000+ freaks all wearing facepaint and costumes and stilts and dancing and hollaring joy! And not only that, above me loomed at least 6 MASSIVE wooden and paper 'sculptures' that people were walking around, like a GIANT elephant, and a 'Shiva' and other figures. There were people juggling and hula hooping and guys making out with guys and girls making out with girls and we marched down the beach as a huge collective laughing and being free! Kevin and I couldn't believe how novel and unique the experience was.
The freaks took the huge wooden elephant and lit it on fire. Crazy big bonfire! I was sort of shocked; it seemed like such an act of sacrifice to destroy something so evidentally made with love! But the sacrifice brought power and energy. Everyone screamed and cheered and that's when the drum circle began and people started to dance like crazy!! The drum circle was really cool because people were not only playing drums, but guitars, and didgerredoo's and just lifting their voices up in song. I was so blasted by the mescaline that I lifted my voice and sang my heart out and people sang with me and we were just all there together sharing sound and it was truly amazing. When I was singing, I saw STUFF come out of my mouth, like silvery patterns! I've never experienced this before! It was incredibly cool.
After awhile I could feel my body wanted to move so I began dancing and DAMN. That's when the epiphanies and realizations and the insights started POURING into me. It was like I was dancing with Krishna, God, and I felt so so free and beautiful. The rest of the people disappeared from my senses and drenched in sweat from the extreme power of the bonfire, my entire body glistening, the ocean crashing nearby, I felt myself launch. I understood that I would be reborn. The heat was so intense but I let it wash over me. I bathed in the flames. I realized so many amazing things about myself, specifically about myself and my relationships with other people. I realized how unique I am, and that I don't ever have to be afraid to express myself EVER AGAIN. I saw very clearly how I am meant to be alone and that if I never get into another relationship with another man, it is ok. And at the time, I was very much at peace with this. It's not that I'm not compatible with others; I am with special people. But the mescaline showed me how I can stand alone, how powerful I am, and how the intense energy inside of me intimidates others. I saw other people in a new way because I was able to see inside their souls. Everyone I looked at, talked to, I could tell instantly so many things about them. Health problems, life histories, and if they had done anything evil in their life. I could just TELL, it all came to me in visionary flashes and awareness the instant our eyes met. This has happened to me before on mescaline. It didn't bother me because at this point, I was starting to tap into the Love Train...and everyone was so happy. I forgave everyone, I forgave myself and forgave the world.
We danced around the fire to drumbeats for so long. After awhile, I started to float. Flying! It was like I was an angel in the sky and I was moving my body in ways that I didn't think possible. I swear my feet were NOT touching the ground. I could feel myself glowing in a big way and was aware that I was being watched by others, but I decided again to focus internally because every time that I became aware of someone watching me, I got really out of the moment. It occured to me that people watching me dance was just like me watching myself , and after that, I simply made my dance a PRAISE TO GOD. At this point I was having so many epiphanies as I moved my body, twisted it, elongated it, moving fast and energetic, moving deliberate and slow; I could tell I was a beautiful being and as I rejoined the drum circle and started singing again with the others, I had a realization that living in Ocean Beach is going to make me even more beautiful. That was the first time I felt truly at peace to be living in OB, and southern California. At that moment, I had a flash of awareness and I became FULLY AWARE OF MY CREATIVE FUNCTION IN THE WORLD, and how Ocean Beach is going to play a big hand in helping me become my most magnificent self. It is just the right setting. The level of self-expression here, collectively, is incredible and I know it will rub off on me. It already has. I understood my life's purpose and the depth of my creative power. I understood for the first time how amazingly powerful and great I am and how special I am.
Sometimes people tell me I'm special, or unique, but I don't believe them. I contradict them and argue about it, usually. But that night I realized how cool and amazing I actually am. And what's more is that I am destined to do incredible things with my life. It was all made obvious and plain to me.
And I realized that confidence is the KEY to activating my power. Looks don't matter. Confidence does. Of course being healthy gives one confidence. It was all so obvious.
Glowing glowing glowing. Glowing face, starry eyes, that was me. After the main dance party started to dissipate, half of the folks went to Newport Ave to party, and a bunch of people stayed at the beach to sit and talk by the bonfire. Kevin and I don't really drink, so we decided to chill with the hippies at the beach. For hours we sat talking to other people about life; people on mdma, mda, and LSD, people who were drunk, high, or just sober and chilling out. I took out my journal and the Australian musician (coolest accent EVER) asked me if I was an artist. It took me completely off guard to hear ME be referred to as an artist. But it aligned perfectly with a recent desire I have been having to draw and paint faces. Me, an artist?? Why not. I was flattered, and it inspired me to talk to him about my novel and his dreams and his travels and why he came to America.
I hung out more with Jesse and Green Hex and other transients, who were sitting in the same circle with preppy university kids who come from homes of wealth. I absolutely LOVED Cristo; wow, talk about energy, class clown, life of the party! He reminded me of that redheaded Harry Potter character in appearence and man, could he carry a conversation! I really liked him; thought he was fun to be around and we exchanged numbers because he wants to go jumping off of cliffs together. Kevin and I met a glass blower with incredible pieces for smoking. True masterpieces. Weed was everywhere and I didn't feel much urge to use it. I felt totally disconnected from marijuana. In fact the mescaline took me deep myself so that I could examine my relationship with pot. I realized I don't need it right now, that I am absolutely perfect the way I am and that alteration isn't necessary. It's funny how I had to be on mescaline to come to that conclusion!
We sat on the beach for hours, until eventually, in the early morning, the cops decided to kick us off and put out the bonfire. Kevin and I decided it was time to go home.
When we got home, even though we were both still tripping, I realized there was A LOT of mescaline tea left. After all, I'd used 103 dried grams to make this batch; that's up to a gram of mescaline to use. I absolutely didn't want the tea to go to waste. The cactus was the only thing of my own (besides fruit) that I was able to purchase from my last job and I considered it a gift from my Higher Self. So Kevin and I redosed. Immediately, so sensitive our bodies were, we felt a bump and the intensity only increased within the next few hours. By this point it was almost daylight and we were in full-psychedelia again. This time, the trip took a different turn. Kevin and I started to talk, for HOURS. For those just tuning in, he's my ex, and our long histories together, and mutual pain bodies, have made communication over the years to be very difficult. However, we are friends and would like to remain so. I have conflicting feelings towards him that the mescaline helped me to address and discuss. As we both started opening up, the mescaline took me so so deep inside and I examined the events of the past few weeks in our lives.
And I realized something so terrible that I instantly started weeping. I realized, no; I CLEARLY SAW how I've been WITHHOLDING LOVE from him!! Witholding love because of the complexity and confusing nature of the separation that we had, and also my love for another one of my friends. I simply wasn't sure how to act around Kevin, so I distanced myself from him and all the while, he was confused and uncertain and HURTING because I was refusing to show him any type of understanding, compassion or love! I told Kevin all of this, how sorry I was, I begged him to forgive me for withholding love. I explained how our relationship can never be the same, but that we can move forward from here as great friends. I told him how sorry I was to be so cold, so distant, and at that moment it seemed absurd that I had ever been that way, because I was tapping into an INFINITE SOURCE OF LOVE within me! I saw that me withholding love was out of a misunderstanding about my true nature. I thought love was limited or something, without realizing that I thought that way. Now I know it's the opposite. I am fully aware of the infinite nature of love. He opened up too and we listened to countless albums while we helped each other clear blockages and heal the past. I realized I didn't really know Kevin anymore. He is a totally new person then how I remembered him and he is doing really well to be as healthy and happy as possible.
Talking with Kevin and helping each other heal, catapulted me up into a new level of awareness. We talked about eveything and the sense of being healed and having something 'put right' made me explode inside. I went deep in. I was getting quieter, more reflective, swollen with realization. I couldn't stop thinking about the INFINITE NATURE OF LOVE. It seemed like the ultimate truth, and what's more, I could FEEL THAT THIS WAS SO. Inside of me. My mescaline trip was raging hard and the ego of me was fading. I was lost in love. It was all I could conceive of for hours, eternity. A bright white light consumed me, it was all I could see, and I would fade out and just bask for what seemed like hours and hours. Then I would "come to" and look at the clock and realize only a few moments had past. EXTREME time dilation. It was like it didn't exist.
The love swelled and oozed out of me, and then became a torrent I could not control. It was just pouring out, in every direction. I decided not to control it but then had fears that I would be too much for people if I lived a 100% loving ecstatic life. I worried that being my Ultimate Self would mean a lonely life for me, but then I remembered how I am a Generator; built to attract life. That's when I decided to go look in the mirror and I saw a beautiful human being. I almost cried. It didn't look like me, but she was very lovely, adorable. That's when I exploded to a new level of self-love. The circle was complete. I ADORED myself! I decided that I had 100% acceptance for who I was and that if people find me "too intense", then that is okay, because I decided I would stop feeling apologetic for who I am. I had to unconditionally love myself and that's that. That was a big deal on my trip. I realized how constantly apologetic I am for my own existence, and this made me mad! I realized then and there that I would never apologize for how I am again and I also realized that I would never have to, as long as I always respond out of love. I had the "MUST SHARE WITH THE WORLD!" experience and on the second leg of my trip, I found myself on Facebook, spurting. I could literally feel LOVE gushing from the top of my crown chakra and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to share, with SOMEONE, someone OUT THERE.
I lounged in bed stretching myself and occasionally posted online and continued discussing existence with Kevin and clearing blockages. Sometimes I would just lay down and sink into the mattress and drift off into visions. While I lay I would feel my body morph into odd shapes. It was like I was becoming other things but I was just laying there. One time when I opened my eyes, I saw my fingers and they were all penises, real penises, pulsing! I closed my eyes again and this time I felt myself sliding, sliding and sliding...and it was like something was pushing me out, like I was being born into the world and emerging from between the thighs of God. I lay there like an infant, drenched in a world of bright color, feeling wet and new, and when I looked around again I discovered that I lay in a field of infinite penises. They were covering me, and covering everything.
The trip went on and on. I started to think I would never come down and I accepted it. I was accepting everything. And I still had mescaline tea left, so I drank the last dose. Within two hours, I was re-peaking and the trip went on and on. Kevin and I listened to sooo much music and we had fun looking up lyrics and singing together. I have always been slightly nervous to sing in front of others, because I am afraid of being judged, but at that time, I did not care. Singing at the drum circle bonfire had changed me, unlocked a serious creative blockage. I realized I had just as much right to lift up my voice and sing as anyone else in the world. By that point it was the afternoon of the next day, and Kevin and I went outside to go on a walk. A totally new world! Wow the brightness, the crispness, the colors, the morphing and patterns!
It was really good. I have never tripped so long before and I definitely benefit from longer experiences. The longer the psychedelic experience is, the more time you have to work through your shit! And damn you guys...I had sooo much I needed to work through. I removed blockages left over from childhood from this trip. Amazing.
By the time night came around again, I was still tripping hard. I was beginning to see inside myself and I saw how clean I was thanks to mescaline. I began to have a phrase repeat itself in my head, a mantra: diamond-mind; diamond body. And I realized how I am crystalizing. I realized that I wanted to keep my body/mind blockage free. I realized CRYSTAL CLEAR is where I want to be. I saw the future and know what I can become. I knew when I went to sleep I would wake up a new person, in a new ego suit, the most magnificent ego suit ever designed. A gift.
Now it's the day after my long trip. I woke up feeling incredibly weak, having not eaten for two days but having had an intense trip and lots of activity. I also felt a little bit "unsure" about my life but I was determined to carry forth with the lessons and intentions that my trip had instilled into me, so I readjusted my attitude manually and got some fresh OJ and some other fruit in my body. Kevin and I took Icarus to the dog beach where we hung out for awhile, then we went to buy some fruit and after I ate more, I felt AMAZING.
There is still a lot of uncertainty in me. I was confused at first. Like, "WTF, God? You said I was reborn!" but what I am understanding is that all I have to do from now on is respond appropriately to life, and everything will be okay, and I will be magnificent. The ego-suit I am wearing now is already making different choices in thought and behavior then the old one. It is developing a new perspective. I am really focused on having faith in God right now and responding to every living being around me with love and understanding. I have felt needy and like I really miss some people today but there is nothing I can do about it except love myself even more intensely, and them too. When I am loving the world full throttle, everything is awesome. I don't care how intense I am anymore. That's how I am. Ferociously divine love.
My living situation still seems precarious. I don't know where I will end up over the next few weeks. But I don't really feel concerned about it. Ocean Beach is going to transform me, I saw this clearly. It already has. I will build up from here.
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