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Anonymous #1
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 Diagnosed Bipolar after Psychosis 
#12838476 - 07/02/10 03:09 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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A year ago I was admitted to an adult psych center by my family because I had been acting weird. I was almost immediately diagnosed as bipolar with psychosis.
I had been hearing/talking to voices in my head (not talking outloud, just talking with them within my head) and had been seeing weird messages everywhere in the universe - like I was playing some kind of a game. I was planning on taking off for some spontaneous roadtrip travel when my family barged in and whisked me away to the adult psych place.
After about 3 weeks of treatment, mostly my time spent pretending I was like some kind of a movie star in disguise in my head and seemingly 'unspoken' encouraged by staff and other patients, I was discharged but with a community mental health therapist.
I did not take my meds as perscribed during the next month and a half and started acting weird again. It was almost like something was possessing my body, making me see things, threatening me, seeing things through my own eyes, speaking to me in my head, trying to tell me right and wrong, trying to force me to believe in god, and trying to tell me that I had to get pregnant or STAR.
Finally one morning, after my parents had slept over, I felt like someone was trying to kill me again and they readmitted me. This time they changed up my meds a bit and I got a different doctor. I had to stay for another 3 weeks, most of the time was spent alone in my room sleeping this time because I was very depressed.
Both visits however, and all summer, I felt a resurgence in my creativity - which also made me feel threatened again by the forces possessing or sending me messages (make art and die, etc)
So I was discharged, with monthly visits to my psychiatrist and with a weekly meeting to a community mental health worker, and a lot of meds.
Ever since that discharge though, things have been really...I don't know. It feels like all the adventure and exploration and creativity I had planned and was experiencing in my life (what they called a "manic" episode, the first time I had felt joy like that in years) was gone. Sure I can laugh and I have been doing some art but I just don't feel that fervent passion now.
In fact, I dont feel much passion for anything. Some of the things I had picked up during the summer/before my admittance was - quitting my job, riding my bike, working out a few times a week, eating healthier, practising art, reading more books, quitting the internet, in general mostly good things - aside from the quitting job and spontaneous plans for travel. Now I just kind of mope around my house, try to find a job that won't cause me to be paranoid or have anxiety feelings (which I still get) and just in general...sleep a lot.
I'm hiding from the world, from whatever was possessing me, from everything I guess. The adventures I want to partake in seem so unattainable right now. I feel locked into where I am living - just when I was trying to move away from this place.
And I'm afraid to bring this up with my therapist because last time I brought up an issue as big as this all that happened was that I was perscribed even more medications.
I am looking to not have to take medications. I am tired of the way they make me feel. I have zero sex drive because of them. I can't even get off anymore - I masturbated for over an hour and I had no orgasm or satisfactory feelings...it doesn't even feel good anymore.
I just think that, I feel like I have become even more depressed since this whole experience started and that I feel like I missed out on something by being put into adult psych and consequently, on meds. If, at the very least, I feel like my family has become more involved than ever in my life where I prefer to keep to myself. A lot of my interests are not interests that they share, including my interest in psychedelia and art and backpacking travel.
I don't know where I am going with this...I just feel like I have nowhere to really explain how I am feeling and get a somewhat intelligent response. My counsellors have shared personal information that I did not want them to share with my family in the past few months, and my family keeps going to family support group events which maybe they need but it just makes me feel weird - like I have somehow burdoned my family by trying to be who I am.
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 Mufungo
Coming at ya
Registered: 04/03/07
Posts: 2,557
Loc: Knowhere
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 Re: Diagnosed Bipolar after Psychosis [Re: Anonymous #1]
#12838522 - 07/02/10 03:48 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Thanks for sharing. 
Despite your current situation, what do you think the long term outcomes could have been if your family didn't care to intervene and you never went on the meds and you didn't participate in any interventions?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Diagnosed Bipolar after Psychosis [Re: Mufungo]
#12838548 - 07/02/10 04:18 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Thanks for replying - right now I am going to have to think for a few hours on this before I respond again but I will be back a bit later.
I feel compelled to add that I am a 27 year old female (26 at the time that this started to happen), I have a college education and degree, and I have taken drugs recreationally in the past but rarely. I don't drink, I do however smoke pot (not regularly, maybe twice a week at most in the last year, and before that I had taken a 3 year break from it) and have taken mdma a few times in the last 10 years. That is about the extent of that.
Edited by Anonymous (07/02/10 04:18 AM)
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 marmarlun
!
Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 346
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Re: Diagnosed Bipolar after Psychosis [Re: Anonymous #1]
#12840914 - 07/02/10 03:56 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Thanks for sharing. That's quite a lot on your plate..
I can relate to feeling like a burden on the family- just know that that is natural to feel that way - but if the situtation was reversed, and a family member needed help, I'm sure you wouldn't feel it as a burden, so try not to think of it that way. I'd be super uncomfortable with my parents having a ton of info on me that I wouldn't want them to have either, geez.
Good thing you seem like a smart person. I hope you are able to keep your spirits high in the future - I hope you can find the drive to deal with these confusing times.
(sometimes I feel so drained, with much smaller problems....reading your thoughts is humbling to me, so thanks for that)
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