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Sterben
Registered: 09/22/07
Posts: 2,227
Loc: Netherlands
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Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!?
#12182746 - 03/11/10 11:46 AM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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I believe that I deserve this scholarship because I put so much effort into every task that I am given. I give only my best, and see each task through to the end.
When I set goals for myself, I do everything in my power to achieve, them and, if I happen to fall short of my goal then I pride myself in knowing that I did my best
I believe that my participation in these activities shows my strength in being a leader and that I am well organized.. I feel that the winner of this scholarship should radiate these characteristics.
The last reason that I feel I deserve this scholarship is while I participated in volunteer and extracurricular activities, I was also able to maintain a job working at Applebee's, During this time I learned how to improve my conversational skills and to answer someone's question to their satisfaction.
I believe that since I am going to become an Computer electronics technician then I should be able to answer people’s questions about Computers and technology in accord to their satisfaction.
Therefore, I deserve this because I am an outstanding person who contains all the qualities a scholarship leader should posses.
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ModularMind
M.P.F.
Registered: 02/09/10
Posts: 7,902
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Edited by ModularMind (07/01/21 06:47 AM)
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Prisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!
Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
Loc: Pvt. Pubfag NutSuck
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Sterben]
#12182831 - 03/11/10 12:03 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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not trying to bust your chops but I'm assuming you want honesty, it's bad like shameless self promotion
try focusing more in your actual goals, how this scholarship will benefit you and how those benefits will be passed on, no need to include work references but the extra curricular and volunteer work can be, expand on them if they show a desire to help and work with people
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,697
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Prisoner#1]
#12182868 - 03/11/10 12:13 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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What Pris says. Explain why you should receive this scholarship to further your career/bring out your full potential. Stating that you have performed well in the past is part of the game, but also explain your outlook on the future. The latter part is currently lacking in your story.
Also, what format will you be delivering this in, what sort of documents are going to support your request, what is the process surrounding this application, what step are you in, what sort of people do you have to interact with? The answers to all these questions should be accounted for in your story.
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HeavyToilet
The Heaviest OfThem All
Registered: 08/06/03
Posts: 9,458
Loc: British Columbia
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Sterben]
#12182875 - 03/11/10 12:15 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Yeah... No offense but that's really, really, quite bad.
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circularvortex
Bass Head
Registered: 08/31/06
Posts: 12,148
Loc:
Last seen: 25 days, 12 hours
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: HeavyToilet]
#12182891 - 03/11/10 12:19 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
HeavyToilet said: Yeah... No offense but that's really, really, quite bad.
-------------------- No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, federal, or fashion police laws. All posts are works of fiction. For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder. Under closer inspection I realised it was a funky ball of tits from outer space.
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,697
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: circularvortex]
#12182897 - 03/11/10 12:20 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Actually, it reminds me of the desperate pleas in the Apprentice boardroom sessions. That doesn't mean this isn't bad per se, but in my mind, it doesn't specifically fit an application for a scholarship.
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Neuron
Tek Savant
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Sterben]
#12182920 - 03/11/10 12:26 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Sterben said: I believe that I deserve this scholarship because I put so much effort into every task that I am given. I give only my best, and see each task through to the end.
When I set goals for myself, I do everything in my power to achieve, them and, if I happen to fall short of my goal then I pride myself in knowing that I did my best
I believe that my participation in these activities shows my strength in being a leader and that I am well organized.. I feel that the winner of this scholarship should radiate these characteristics.
The last reason that I feel I deserve this scholarship is while I participated in volunteer and extracurricular activities, I was also able to maintain a job working at Applebee's, During this time I learned how to improve my conversational skills and to answer someone's question to their satisfaction.
I believe that since I am going to become an Computer electronics technician then I should be able to answer people’s questions about Computers and technology in accord to their satisfaction.
Therefore, I deserve this because I am an outstanding person who contains all the qualities a scholarship leader should posses.
Unlike many posters who ask the shroomery to proofread, your piece is well written and seems free of spelling/grammar mistakes. That's good!
But your essay is WAY too short and sounds generic. I'll bet they get tons of scholarship essays that say "I always do my best, and never give up! blah blah blah". Another scholarship essay will just cancel out yours, and they will be forced to judge your acceptance based on your GPA/work experience/extra curricular activities ONLY(as if you never really submitted a scholarship essay).
If you really want to stand out, try to sound original. Maybe integrate a typical school day for yourself(e.g. going to class during the day, studying for a few hours at home, and then going to work)- but make it sound more elaborate. Paint us a picture in words on HOW hard you work.
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Edited by Neuron (03/11/10 12:27 PM)
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Neuron
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Neuron]
#12182934 - 03/11/10 12:31 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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"During this time I learned how to improve my conversational skills and to answer someone's question to their satisfaction."
Also take this out, it makes you sound like you just give answers people want to hear(could be construed as dishonest).
and I would remove "Therefore, I deserve this because I am an outstanding person who contains all the qualities a scholarship leader should posses. "
This makes you sound ignorant in assuming that there aren't a bunch of other well-qualified applicants with great personalities. Try to sound humble instead. Maybe include how this scholarship will help you achieve your future goals rather than putting yourself on a pedestal(hey! Look at me, im da best!)
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,697
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Neuron]
#12182937 - 03/11/10 12:31 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Neuron said: Unlike many posters who ask the shroomery to proofread, your piece is well written and seems free of spelling/grammar mistakes. That's good!
I assumed this was meant to be a 2-minute pitch delivered orally. If it's meant to be an actual essay, then it's eh...inappropriately short to begin with.
Quote:
If you really want to stand out, try to sound original. Maybe integrate a typical school day for yourself(e.g. going to class during the day, studying for a few hours at home, and then going to work)- but make it sound more elaborate.
Wouldn't that bring the risk of resulting in a hopeless cliché that does more bad than good?
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Neuron
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: koraks]
#12182950 - 03/11/10 12:35 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Well, integrating a typical workday is one way of describing in detail how hard he works...
it's a hell of a lot better than saying "I excel at all things, and radiate with power, that's why I DESERVE this scholarship". I read his entire essay, and this is the main gist I got from it.
Of course, since it's a scholarship essay- he's going to want to make it sound good, but in doing so, he should provide empirical evidence(details) and ease up on the subjective judgments, and leave the judging for the judges.
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Edited by Neuron (03/11/10 12:35 PM)
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Synesthetic
Ratings go in journal.
Registered: 12/11/08
Posts: 2,715
Loc: Tooele, UT
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Neuron]
#12182973 - 03/11/10 12:38 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Finding a way to connect personally with the reader is what, more often than not, determines how much your essay impacts the board.
Think about what they want to hear but don't just write that, do it in a way where they can't tell that you're taking potshots at their psyche so it sticks in their mind.
Hope that makes sense.
Oh and the others are right, this is way too generic.
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Sterben
Registered: 09/22/07
Posts: 2,227
Loc: Netherlands
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Synesthetic]
#12183441 - 03/11/10 01:54 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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ok im going re write it. its for a $5,000 scholarship you can see why i really want this. thanks for all the info.
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Liz
Owl Lady
Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Sterben]
#12183600 - 03/11/10 02:18 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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It would b "A computer..." not "an computer". Just a heads up. But like Pris was the 1st to say, that was a really terrible essay. They would read the first line and put it aside. Write something original, attention grabbing, etc. And leave out the Applebee's shit.
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Newbie
User of semicolons.
Registered: 07/18/04
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Loc: SoCal
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Sterben]
#12183911 - 03/11/10 03:00 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Is this a paraphrase or the actual essay? I expected the post to be at least a page long. I'd definitely spice it up some more. I don't mean to be offensive, but I could see the Dean read it, laugh, then put it aside and read the next one.
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Neuron
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Newbie]
#12187358 - 03/11/10 11:35 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Newbie said: Is this a paraphrase or the actual essay? I expected the post to be at least a page long. I'd definitely spice it up some more. I don't mean to be offensive, but I could see the Dean read it, laugh, then put it aside and read the next one.
Haha
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SlashOZ
:D
Registered: 10/20/06
Posts: 3,557
Loc: Following the water cycle
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: Neuron]
#12187402 - 03/11/10 11:45 PM (14 years, 20 days ago) |
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I'm sorry but I am calling joke topic. That essay is sooooo poor it makes me .
-------------------- "Life sucks but in this really beautiful way" - Axl Rose "Life's a bitch and then you die that's why we get high cuz you never know when you're gonna go." - NAS "When people don't know what you're about they put you down and shut you out" - Black Sabbath "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" - Gandhi "Look up at me I am God, look down on me and I am evil, look at me I am you." - Charles Manson. "Don't question my reality." - Me (as far as I know)
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Neuron
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Re: Can someone proof read this scholarship essay please!? [Re: SlashOZ]
#12189563 - 03/12/10 11:43 AM (14 years, 19 days ago) |
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Quote:
SlashOZ said: I'm sorry but I am calling joke topic. That essay is sooooo poor it makes me .
lotsa community college folks here who think they're supreme beings, so I'm not too surprised.
EDIT: not hating on CC folks, I graduated from a 2-year CC as well, but it seems like a lot of CC people(me included) got cocky from doing well at 100 and 200 level classes :P
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Edited by Neuron (03/12/10 11:44 AM)
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ModularMind
M.P.F.
Registered: 02/09/10
Posts: 7,902
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Edited by ModularMind (07/01/21 06:48 AM)
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