|
 
Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! Please  login or  register to post messages and view our members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, encrypted messages, file attachments, board customizations, and much more!
|
 KetamineKatalyst
Skyhighatrist
Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 841
Loc: beneath the surface
Last seen: 12 days, 11 hours
|
|
I like it Penguarky, it definitely makes me wonder wtf is going on and what will ensue. Too stoned to give any constructive criticism right now, but who am I to judge anyways? My grammar and vocabulary is probably not on par with yours!
It'll be cool to read it when it's done.
--------------------
We've got the ketameans to change the world
|
 Penguarky Tunguin
Hugh Jassle
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 10,127
Loc: Your Taint
|
 Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: YawningAnus]
#8554730 - 06/23/08 03:06 PM (3 months, 13 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
YawningAnus said:
we are just giving you opinions, not lambasting you.
I think you always need to keep poetry in mind when writing prose. some people find prose is license to prattle on... (not that you were)...
Quote:
A veiny, weathered woman's hand
right here you are using visual descriptions regarding the hand... now maybe you want the readers to know that it was a womans hand, but IMO that really isnt a visual description but more of a narrative slip.
I would have gone with:
"a veiny, weathered hand...."
or
"A veiny, yet feminine weathered hand..."
maybe worded so that feminine isnt ambiguously describing the hand or the quality of the weathering.
you have a good lexicon and proper use of it, and you have ability to impose your imagination upon others with words... just start reading your stuff out loud more and go through it once to see what can get the "directors cut".
A really do appreciate all the comments and I was joking about being lambasted. 
Good call on the "keeping poetry in mind" idea. I'll definitely use that.
--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education.
These days, if a dog’s not getting fisted I can’t even get a boner.
| |
|
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit 
Reply 
Quote 
