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 Penguarky Tunguin
Touching Your Taint
 
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 9,605
Loc: Nonlocal
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 Opening Paragraph of my Story
#8543583 - 06/20/08 07:54 AM (2 months, 9 days ago) |
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Please give me your thoughts:
A chartreuse jellybean the size of a small egg sat, with limitless potential, nestled within a Jack Daniels shot glass. A veiny, weathered woman's hand, dotted with pockmarks resembling ground sausage on a meat-lovers pizza, quietly slipped its bony fingers around the small glass and lifted it into the cool, spring air. Quickly following were a pair of faded-blue eyes whose flicker of life no longer flicked for most things. But those old experienced eyes seemed to flare in startling intensity whenever a garage sale bargain was close at hand. Not ten seconds passed and the old woman was already reaching into her oversized pink, cherry blossom hand bag. As soon as the old lady exchanged the jellybean and shot glass for fifty cents (she bargained down from a dollar), a flash of gold-green light swept over the length of the jellybean, beginning from the bottom and exploded out the top into infinity, completely imperceptible to any human eye. A few galaxies to the north, a glass of iced, mint tea fell to the chrome floor, splattering into a thousand tiny pieces. It was the creature's first uncalculated movement in a thousand years.
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane.
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 Boots
Disenchanted
Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 869
Loc: Northwood, Ohio, U.S.A.
Last seen: 1 day, 1 hour
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Well, it makes me want to read more so I guess that's a good thing.
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uber_aj
Ass hole / Good friend
Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 649
Loc: ATX
Last seen: 5 hours, 53 minutes
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: Boots]
#8546006 - 06/20/08 11:31 PM (2 months, 8 days ago) |
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i found it interesting and wouldve kept reading if there was more (i am high, though). you have good imagery, but i had to read it twice to get whats going on aside from a woman taking a shot.
it was good.
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I have it on good authority that you and I are merely figments of somebody else's imagination.
Waiting for Bob's portal and the LHC.
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YawningAnus
Got the GayDHD
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 10,055
Last seen: 15 hours, 43 minutes
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: uber_aj]
#8548349 - 06/21/08 06:31 PM (2 months, 7 days ago) |
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it was good.. but a little too descriptively wordy....
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Image from: The Cremaster Cycle, by Matthew Barney
icelander: I remember this big yellow firey ball up in the sky. It was scary because it disappeared all the time and we had to dance naked and fuck all the women to bring it back.
YawningAnus: Those were the days
"if there's no such thing as evil, then what are evil spirits then? and don't turn this into a debate on the existence of evil spirits, let's just assume they exist for this argument. "
-Porcupine
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth
Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 664
Loc: LA
Last seen: 1 month, 11 days
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: YawningAnus]
#8551182 - 06/22/08 04:21 PM (2 months, 6 days ago) |
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too many words
tom robbins much?
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"A Bad Day for Pants"
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth
Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 664
Loc: LA
Last seen: 1 month, 11 days
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too many instances of "adjective, adjective noun."
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"A Bad Day for Pants"
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Penguarky Tunguin
Touching Your Taint
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 9,605
Loc: Nonlocal
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Thanks guys. 
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane.
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YawningAnus
Got the GayDHD
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 10,055
Last seen: 15 hours, 43 minutes
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Quote:
IgnatiusJReilly said:
too many words
tom robbins much?
blasphemer! doubly insulting a master.
tom robbins uses his adjectives with finesse.
to the OP, i liked the choice of words, and the descriptions were visceral, but it had an odd, bouncing cadence and like Ignatius said... adjective, adjective, noun (repeat).
but as a writer, I know that the beginnings are always spurts of shocking and vivid descriptions.
--------------------
Image from: The Cremaster Cycle, by Matthew Barney
icelander: I remember this big yellow firey ball up in the sky. It was scary because it disappeared all the time and we had to dance naked and fuck all the women to bring it back.
YawningAnus: Those were the days
"if there's no such thing as evil, then what are evil spirits then? and don't turn this into a debate on the existence of evil spirits, let's just assume they exist for this argument. "
-Porcupine
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Penguarky Tunguin
Touching Your Taint
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 9,605
Loc: Nonlocal
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: YawningAnus]
#8551387 - 06/22/08 05:17 PM (2 months, 6 days ago) |
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Quote:
YawningAnus said:
Quote:
IgnatiusJReilly said:
too many words
tom robbins much?
blasphemer! doubly insulting a master.
tom robbins uses his adjectives with finesse.
to the OP, i liked the choice of words, and the descriptions were visceral, but it had an odd, bouncing cadence and like Ignatius said... adjective, adjective, noun (repeat).
but as a writer, I know that the beginnings are always spurts of shocking and vivid descriptions.
What do you mean by bouncing? 
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane.
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BrainChemistry
Duplicarius
Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 632
Loc: Mountains of N. America
Last seen: 2 days, 8 hours
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Sounds intriguing, but I agree. The wordiness detracts from the flow of the story. If I may, here's a little re-write
A chartreuse jellybean sat, with limitless potential, in the bottom of a Jack Daniels shot glass. The weathered, pockmarked hand of an old woman slowly slipped its fingers around the glass and lifted it into the spring air. Her faded-blue eyes had lost the flicker of life for most things, but those old eyes could still flare when a garage sale bargain was close at hand. Not ten seconds passed before the old woman was reaching into her oversized, cherry blossomed hand bag. As soon as the old lady had exchanged fifty cents (she bargained down from a dollar) for the jelly bean and shot glass, a flash of gold-green light burst from the jellybean, beginning from the bottom and exploding out the top into infinity. A few galaxies to the north, a glass of iced, mint tea fell to the floor, shattering into a thousand pieces. It was the creature's first uncalculated movement in thousands of years.
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Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe
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YawningAnus
Got the GayDHD
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 10,055
Last seen: 15 hours, 43 minutes
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Quote:
Penguarky Tunguin said:
Quote:
YawningAnus said:
Quote:
IgnatiusJReilly said:
too many words
tom robbins much?
blasphemer! doubly insulting a master.
tom robbins uses his adjectives with finesse.
to the OP, i liked the choice of words, and the descriptions were visceral, but it had an odd, bouncing cadence and like Ignatius said... adjective, adjective, noun (repeat).
but as a writer, I know that the beginnings are always spurts of shocking and vivid descriptions.
What do you mean by bouncing?
the da-da-da-da-dum of da-da-da-da-dum sat da-da-da-da-dum.
--------------------
Image from: The Cremaster Cycle, by Matthew Barney
icelander: I remember this big yellow firey ball up in the sky. It was scary because it disappeared all the time and we had to dance naked and fuck all the women to bring it back.
YawningAnus: Those were the days
"if there's no such thing as evil, then what are evil spirits then? and don't turn this into a debate on the existence of evil spirits, let's just assume they exist for this argument. "
-Porcupine
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Cameron
Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 1,935
Loc: Canada
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The story sounds interesting, but it's tough to get a feel for where it's going from one paragraph. Care to give us another nibble?
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AScannerDarkly
On StrangerTides
Registered: 04/13/08
Posts: 444
Last seen: 11 days, 12 hours
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: Cameron]
#8552810 - 06/23/08 12:57 AM (2 months, 6 days ago) |
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Heres one of the best opening paragraphs ever written, for comparison. Kudos to whoever can name the book and author (it should be very, very obvious):
"Once a guy stood all day shaking bugs from his hair. The doctor told him there were no bugs in his hair. After he had taken a shower for eight hours, standing under hot water hour after hour suffering the pain of the bugs, he got out and dried himself, and he still had bugs in his hair; in fact, he had bugs all over him. A month later he had bugs in his lungs.
Having nothing else to do or think about, he began to work out theoretically the life cycle of the bugs, and, with the aid of the Britannica, try to ddetermin specifically which bugs they were. They now illed his house. He read about many different kinds and finally noticed bugs outdoors, so he concluded they were aphids. After that decision came to his mind it never changed, no matter what other people told him...like "Aphids don't bite people.""
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[quote]Voido said:
[quote]drken said:
Dont get me wrong he is a funny guy, just not a great actor. Smoke some bud and watch the movie, weed helps me pick out shitty acting. [/quote]
no your just stoned. stop smoking pot [/quote]
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Cameron
Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 1,935
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
AScannerDarkly, by Philip K. Dicksaid:
"Once a guy stood all day shaking bugs from his hair. The doctor told him there were no bugs in his hair. After he had taken a shower for eight hours, standing under hot water hour after hour suffering the pain of the bugs, he got out and dried himself, and he still had bugs in his hair; in fact, he had bugs all over him. A month later he had bugs in his lungs.
Having nothing else to do or think about, he began to work out theoretically the life cycle of the bugs, and, with the aid of the Britannica, try to ddetermin specifically which bugs they were. They now illed his house. He read about many different kinds and finally noticed bugs outdoors, so he concluded they were aphids. After that decision came to his mind it never changed, no matter what other people told him...like "Aphids don't bite people.""
That's a nice story but I don't believe it's a book; it sounds made-up. 
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AScannerDarkly
On StrangerTides
Registered: 04/13/08
Posts: 444
Last seen: 11 days, 12 hours
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: Cameron]
#8553063 - 06/23/08 03:38 AM (2 months, 6 days ago) |
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Quote:
Cameron said:
Quote:
AScannerDarkly, by Philip K. Dicksaid:
"Once a guy stood all day shaking bugs from his hair. The doctor told him there were no bugs in his hair. After he had taken a shower for eight hours, standing under hot water hour after hour suffering the pain of the bugs, he got out and dried himself, and he still had bugs in his hair; in fact, he had bugs all over him. A month later he had bugs in his lungs.
Having nothing else to do or think about, he began to work out theoretically the life cycle of the bugs, and, with the aid of the Britannica, try to ddetermin specifically which bugs they were. They now illed his house. He read about many different kinds and finally noticed bugs outdoors, so he concluded they were aphids. After that decision came to his mind it never changed, no matter what other people told him...like "Aphids don't bite people.""
That's a nice story but I don't believe it's a book; it sounds made-up.
Sneaky sneaky
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[quote]Voido said:
[quote]drken said:
Dont get me wrong he is a funny guy, just not a great actor. Smoke some bud and watch the movie, weed helps me pick out shitty acting. [/quote]
no your just stoned. stop smoking pot [/quote]
Edited by AScannerDarkly (06/23/08 03:40 AM)
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Cameron
Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 1,935
Loc: Canada
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You'll never get away with this!  
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Penguarky Tunguin
Touching Your Taint
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 9,605
Loc: Nonlocal
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Re: Opening Paragraph of my Story [Re: Cameron]
#8553423 - 06/23/08 07:19 AM (2 months, 6 days ago) |
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Quote:
Cameron said:
The story sounds interesting, but it's tough to get a feel for where it's going from one paragraph. Care to give us another nibble?
I'm reworking it based off of your guys' suggestions. I'll post more when I get the courage to get lambasted again.
Oh yeah, and how often do you get a feel for the rest of the book within the first paragraph of a story?
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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane.
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uber_aj
Ass hole / Good friend
Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 649
Loc: ATX
Last seen: 5 hours, 53 minutes
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Quote:
AScannerDarkly said:
Heres one of the best opening paragraphs ever written, for comparison. Kudos to whoever can name the book and author (it should be very, very obvious):
"Once a guy stood all day shaking bugs from his hair. The doctor told him there were no bugs in his hair. After he had taken a shower for eight hours, standing under hot water hour after hour suffering the pain of the bugs, he got out and dried himself, and he still had bugs in his hair; in fact, he had bugs all over him. A month later he had bugs in his lungs.
Having nothing else to do or think about, he began to work out theoretically the life cycle of the bugs, and, with the aid of the Britannica, try to ddetermin specifically which bugs they were. They now illed his house. He read about many different kinds and finally noticed bugs outdoors, so he concluded they were aphids. After that decision came to his mind it never changed, no matter what other people told him...like "Aphids don't bite people.""
lol, i thought you were trying to rip-off PKD for a second, i was about to flame you. glad i reread your post.
its Philip K Dick, "A Scanner Darkly". that the first book i read by him, certainly not the last, he's an incredible author.
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I have it on good authority that you and I are merely figments of somebody else's imagination.
Waiting for Bob's portal and the LHC.
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Cameron
Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 1,935
Loc: Canada
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Quote:
Oh yeah, and how often do you get a feel for the rest of the book within the first paragraph of a story?
 I don't know if this was rhetorical so I'll answer: The first paragraph (and every paragraph after) is a good indicator of style, which is more important than story in the long run IMO.
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YawningAnus
Got the GayDHD
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 10,055
Last seen: 15 hours, 43 minutes
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we are just giving you opinions, not lambasting you.
I think you always need to keep poetry in mind when writing prose. some people find prose is license to prattle on... (not that you were)...
Quote:
A veiny, weathered woman's hand
right here you are using visual descriptions regarding the hand... now maybe you want the readers to know that it was a womans hand, but IMO that really isnt a visual description but more of a narrative slip.
I would have gone with:
"a veiny, weathered hand...."
or
"A veiny, yet feminine weathered hand..."
maybe worded so that feminine isnt ambiguously describing the hand or the quality of the weathering.
you have a good lexicon and proper use of it, and you have ability to impose your imagination upon others with words... just start reading your stuff out loud more and go through it once to see what can get the "directors cut".
--------------------
Image from: The Cremaster Cycle, by Matthew Barney
icelander: I remember this big yellow firey ball up in the sky. It was scary because it disappeared all the time and we had to dance naked and fuck all the women to bring it back.
YawningAnus: Those were the days
"if there's no such thing as evil, then what are evil spirits then? and don't turn this into a debate on the existence of evil spirits, let's just assume they exist for this argument. "
-Porcupine
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