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 Derk
Friend
Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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 Fear in early Adulthood...
#8406826 - 05/15/08 08:20 PM (4 months, 25 days ago) |
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Just a little background info:
I am almost 19 and attend a community college in my home town and just have completed my first year. I also work part time. I used to be an avid spiritualist and philosopher, always reading books by occultists from the Golden Dawn, Franz Bardon, Plato, etc. I believed that I was put on this Earth to serve some kind of Divine purpose and that life was beautiful; a wonderful growing experience for my soul. I found things beyond this world amazing and facinating, espically dreaming and out of body projection. I am pretty solitary compared to last year. All my friends moved away to different campuses and my college is a commuter school. I only talk to the people that I knew from high school aside from those I met at work. I often felt lonely.
Early this year I became a moderately heavy cannabis smoker. I wasn't high 24/7, but I smoked daily. Mind you I only had smoked weed once before, 4/20 last year and then didn't think of it again until Christmas Break when all my high school friends came home from college. I started delving into hallucigens. I did salvia once, which was intense, shrooms twice, which was euphoric, and LSA once, which was EXTREME HELL. I went to the hospital because I thought I was going into shock because I was convulsing and turning blue in the face. The LSA left me pretty shattered, giving me unreasonable thoughts and paranoia that was out of my control. My whole reality came crashing down for about a week....and then I caught the flu and it made things worst because I believed I was dying.
I quit doing all drugs cold turkey for about 3 weeks because I was so afraid of their effects on me. Then I started up smoking weed again about 4 -5 days a week.
-Okay now for my real question:
I have been feeling indifferent for a few weeks now. My imagination seems less vivid, or just not as "fun" as it used to be as a child. I also seemed to have realized my mortality, which terrifies me and sometimes sends me into a panic attack, giving me thoughts like "why do this when I'm just going to die some day?". Before I thought, "who gives a shit" or "that won't happen to me", but now I think "what if that happens to me?" and then start to panic. I also seem to have no direction in life, which is another thing that worries me. I don't seem to have a real extreme passion for anything....not even to sit around all day and get high. I'm just totally lost and feel overwhelmed. I also realized that I am just one human in this world, and it makes me feel nonexistant. I knew this before, but never really understood it I guess because I didn't give it much thought. Another thing that makes me start panicking is when I think about how lost I am, what if I really have no purpose? I also tell myself that shit only happens once, and if I fuck it up then I can never change it....and when I think of this I feel so helpless and start panicking. What am I suppose to do? Sometimes when I look in the mirror I contemplate whether I am my body, or if my body is just a vehicle and I am just a spirit or something that is using it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just living in a different world than what I used to...its more rough and I want nothing more than to go back to my school days where all I had to worry about was passing tests and whether girls liked me or not. Oh that reminds me. I've also been having a supressed sexual appetite, stay up all night and sleep all day, and have loss of appetite where I only eat about twice a day. I also really have no more faith in a higher Divinity or meditate/pray anymore. I also eat at restaurants a lot and don't exercise.
Is all this natural in going into adulthood? Or is it all drug induced? What should I do? =/
Edited by Derk (05/15/08 08:22 PM)
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entheomandotcom
Stranger
Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 237
Last seen: 10 hours, 22 minutes
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8406856 - 05/15/08 08:28 PM (4 months, 25 days ago) |
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Its called adulthood...I went through the same thing, Its almost like a depression you have to work to get those things back. Take passion in life work for what you want. Nothings free..
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Derk
Friend
Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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I don't have a passion though...nothing really works me up anymore. Like before I was stoked on being a park ranger and getting high all day. Before that it was computers because I was an avid video game player. Then it was acting because I did theater in high school.
I feel stagnant and empty.
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entheomandotcom
Stranger
Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 237
Last seen: 10 hours, 22 minutes
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8406972 - 05/15/08 08:52 PM (4 months, 25 days ago) |
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Have you tried growing things,,cooking camping,,theres lots to life. Live it before you leave it. Its really to short to no love it. I mean why waste the day with worry and depressing thoughts make the most of it. SOme times you have to be down to come up....
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe
Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 2,160
Last seen: 2 hours, 23 minutes
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Hey man, it's just part of the journey. Also, consider yourself lucky you got out of the bad trips unscathed (well, physically atleast).
Your past passion for life will return, I guarantee it.
I went through a series of dark experiences, ranging from fucked up 'death' trips, and just general hate in this world that has left me with scar tissue and broken bones.
After all is said and done, there is no more raw wonderful energy that you will find besides your own ability to be aware on so many different levels. There is just such an abundance of chaos, which can be seen as a good thing knowing that whatever form we have come to classify the universe with doesn't mean shit. It's all about what you want to do with your time here.
Nowadays I always give ode to the magnificent power of this universe, everyday. I often feel like a child on the inside, excited to learn new things and explore my mind aswell as the external world and how I fit in it.
I am in love with the universe. Also, my dislike for alot of things on this planet also keeps me in balance.
But enough about me... what I really express is that standing naked, we are all the same. So we can all get over anything, because if I can do it, and he/she can do it, so can you.
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"The universe is honest, humanity is not." - A star
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 Cameron
perma-stone
Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 2,140
Loc: Canada
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8408153 - 05/16/08 02:22 AM (4 months, 24 days ago) |
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I'm nineteen and I can relate with almost everything you've said. Nothing in your experience is out of the ordinary, as far as I'm concerned (at least in the realm of drug use  ).
I recommend that you stop smoking pot for the time being, if you haven't already. I say this judging by my experiences with MJ and the kind of thoughts excessive use have left me with. I think a break will do wonders to re-energize your passion in life, your creativity, and your youthful vigor.  Also, work some form of exercise into your life! Exercise is very important, not only to physical health, but also to mental health. You could pick up something as complicated as a weight training/cardio routine, or something as simple as a basic postural enhancement exercise to help improve blood circulation, joint flexibility, and stress reduction throughout the body (like a book I borrowed from the library today on Chi Kung, an ancient Chinese form of breathing movements). I'm also going to go out on the hypocritical branch and suggest that you eat with your health in mind.  You are what you eat, as they say!
Anyways, I hope you feel better. We all go through tough times, but don't forget that things can and will improve. It's all about mindset! Keep us updated!
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TODAY
Battletoad
Registered: 09/25/03
Posts: 7,110
Loc: Metropolis City, USA
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Cameron]
#8412444 - 05/17/08 10:49 AM (4 months, 23 days ago) |
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completely normal. I'm 23 and still have feelings like you described. I try to put these thoughts out of my head. I don't know what else to do...try not dwelling on it.
You are alive now, you are not dead. You can do as much or as little as you want to. Everything is okay.
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ca'rouse (k-rouz)
intr.v.
To engage in boisterous, drunken merrymaking.
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rogue_pixie
the cheeky nightsprite
Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 3,524
Loc: Ye Olde England
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8413051 - 05/17/08 02:16 PM (4 months, 23 days ago) |
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The transition into the adult world is overwhelming, especially for deep thinking, intelligent people like yourself. You have become aware of your own mortality in a way that you previously did not think possible, which naturally, is very intimidating. There are no longer any big people around to keep you safe, to chase the monsters away, to hug you and to advise you and tell you things about the world, you have become a big person and you realise that they never really knew much about life after all and that you are always going to be learning in the giant class room that is our world.
Not having any direction in life is certainly nothing to worry about! In many ways it is a blessing. Teenagers in schools are being given careers advice and being shoved off into Universities & are expected to have figured out what they're going to do with the whole of the rest of their lives by the tender age of 18, when there are much more interesting things to be concerning themselves with, naturally, the wonderful world of sex, relationships and experimentation. It is beserk to expect young people to have worked it all out so early.
What's also bizarre is that we appear to have adopted this custom of becoming an expert in only one particular subject & then sticking with the career that the subject is applied to for the rest of our lives, rather than trying out everything and having a much more fulfilling, interesting and varied life. People's personalities are always changing and what people do with their lives should be acquainting these kaelidoscopic changes in personality and their general outlook on the world. You really don't need to have a specific direction or a goal, forget about all of that capitalistic nonsense. You're very young and it may take you a long time yet to figure out what it is that you want to do with your life and when/if you do, this may change and change again and this is nothing to worry about either. At the moment, you don't know where your life is going to go, what is going to happen next and what kind of wonderful, mad people you'll meet along the way and that's very enviable. Those who appear to have it all sussed out either don't or are probably very bored and off having affairs and what not.
There is no need to have a "purpose" in life either, you're not a cleaning product or a utility, it's sad that people will often, rather than seeing themselves as individual beings, feel like they should be some sort of a tool of accute efficiency and productivity. You don't owe anyone anything and if you wish to have a purpose in life then let it be to exist and to enjoy yourself.
As for your habitual weed consumption - if it makes you happy, then do it, but if you find that it is making you over-analyse yourself and the word in a negative light then perhaps you should stop for a while, it's exactly the reason I can't get on with Mary, I become way too self absorbed and needlessly paranoid. Also, it may be a possibility that the reason for you lack of passion or get up & go for anything is because you're getting stoned quite a lot, I know I can never be arsed to do anything if I get stoned and that's another reason why I don't like it.
I'm 22 at the end of this month and I don't have a clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life either but it's something that doesn't bother me anymore like it used to, I'm just going with the flow and taking the laid back approach and I can never be arsed to worry about things that I can't change either. We live in an age where people over complicate things, some of the most basic acts such as dancing and singing can make you feel so much better. One of the keys to life is definitely just to BE. It irritates the hell out of me how we try to be civil and clean and oh so, pure and dignified, we're just conscious monkeys in suits, we still pick our noses, we still take a shit, that's just what we gotta do.
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I'm a little monkey sitting in a tree, wouldn't you like to come on up and have some LSD?
Edited by rogue_pixie (05/17/08 02:26 PM)
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 Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 2,758
Loc: Plano, TX, USA
Last seen:
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: rogue_pixie]
#8414915 - 05/17/08 11:11 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
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you're words are relaxing, roguepixie 
Derk, that all sounds pretty familiar. I've been there(I'm 24 now) and I still feel lost sometimes, but things clear up when you stop letting your mind fret endlessly and accept yourself, instead of trying to figure out what that self is, or what you're supposed to do.
you sound like a deep and imaginitive person going through a confusing transition. the world is a fucked up confusing place, no doubt.
you're young, you will learn alot about yourself in the next couple years.
stop worrying and start exploring, theres nothing else to do really...
oh yea.. EXERCISE!!! if nothing else makes sense than taking care of your body should.
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be your true mind
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DimensionX
Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 1,336
Last seen: 2 hours, 15 minutes
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8415204 - 05/18/08 12:34 AM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
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I think fear is normal. I think apathy is more worrying. I went through a stage like that, its really hard to break out of. My doctor gave me anti depressants which snapped me out of it. They worked really well for me, but everyones different and some people will tell you that its best to just let nature take its course.
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It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
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SgtBob
Animator
Registered: 07/03/05
Posts: 194
Last seen: 2 months, 3 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: DimensionX]
#8428250 - 05/21/08 10:43 AM (4 months, 19 days ago) |
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Wow. you know im 22, gonna be 23 this year, and i've gone through the same thing. Even more confusing was the catalyst that caused it: a year and a half or so of ecstasy use. It really shocked my reality, i got so caught up in raving with my friends that my work suffered some and my school suffered massively. There was a few months were i got straight f's. I even had classes that i dont remember taking on my transcript. Then after realizing what a mess i was making, i quit cold turkey and began to pick up the pieces. However what always scared me was this certain 'magic' to reality that just seemed to be gone. I thought it was just like brain shock from all that mdma, and some of it probably is, but its all that other stuff you guys talk about to. I have always felt like a kid in a man's body, but now i feel like an adult in a broken shell.
there was more i wanted to explain and compare but my gf came home and broke all my concentration, so maybe ill be back later.
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-ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!!!!!!
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 2,758
Loc: Plano, TX, USA
Last seen: 1 second
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: SgtBob]
#8428534 - 05/21/08 12:09 PM (4 months, 19 days ago) |
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I feel the same way about my LSD use, ages 17-19
Those nights I was running off with my girlfriend or friends every night to trip, get high, run in the woods, go to concerts. my life was the day or the night and nothing else really mattered. the memories i have seem out of this world, which is infinitely beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
it seems like a magic dreamworld in retrospect, which is kind of sad to me. I guess at one point I started to feel like I was being careless with my life and have been painstakingly trying to develop a responsible persona since then, at times turning back towards my life as a teenager.
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be your true mind
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SgtBob
Animator
Registered: 07/03/05
Posts: 194
Last seen: 2 months, 3 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Grav]
#8429078 - 05/21/08 02:40 PM (4 months, 19 days ago) |
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Quote:
Grav said:
... the memories i have seem out of this world, which is infinitely beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
it seems like a magic dreamworld in retrospect, which is kind of sad to me. I guess at one point I started to feel like I was being careless with my life and have been painstakingly trying to develop a responsible persona since then....
I feel like that almost exactly. And before i binged on mdma i had tripped a few times and it was one of the most life changing positive things ive ever gone through. But now after that mdma binge i almost feel like my inside core is terrified of tripping. Ive tried a few times and they usually turn bad. One day when i feel sound of soul though ill venture into that domain again.
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-ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!!!!!!
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Derk
Friend
Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: SgtBob]
#8432657 - 05/22/08 12:15 PM (4 months, 18 days ago) |
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Quote:
SgtBob said:
However what always scared me was this certain 'magic' to reality that just seemed to be gone. I thought it was just like brain shock from all that mdma, and some of it probably is, but its all that other stuff you guys talk about to. I have always felt like a kid in a man's body, but now i feel like an adult in a broken shell.
This.
I am certainly glad to see someone else shares my feelings.
And rogue, your words are soothing thank you.
And thanks to all of you!
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Tangerines
iz
Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 11,992
Loc: C-Town/Cbus
Last seen: 8 days, 8 hours
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8432902 - 05/22/08 01:25 PM (4 months, 18 days ago) |
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Fuck childhood man, responsibility is awesome and you get more pleasure cause you can do what the fuck you want when you want.
Sure the daily grind sucks, but oh well. Life goes on. It don't stop so you shouldn't either.
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'88 till infinity...
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SgtBob
Animator
Registered: 07/03/05
Posts: 194
Last seen: 2 months, 3 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Tangerines]
#8433742 - 05/22/08 04:59 PM (4 months, 18 days ago) |
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Quote:
Tangerines said:
Fuck childhood man, responsibility is awesome and you get more pleasure cause you can do what the fuck you want when you want.
Sure the daily grind sucks, but oh well. Life goes on. It don't stop so you shouldn't either.
this is all true, and the reality of adult hood, but those that are more observant of themselves and their environment notice this change more i think. It can be hard to adapt to.
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-ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!!!!!!
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Derk
Friend
Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Tangerines]
#8461302 - 05/29/08 08:09 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Tangerines said:
Fuck childhood man, responsibility is awesome and you get more pleasure cause you can do what the fuck you want when you want.
Sure the daily grind sucks, but oh well. Life goes on. It don't stop so you shouldn't either.
Thanks for missing the point. I wish I was that ignorant. I would be so happy.
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Tangerines
iz
Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 11,992
Loc: C-Town/Cbus
Last seen: 8 days, 8 hours
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Re: Fear in early Adulthood... [Re: Derk]
#8461531 - 05/29/08 08:51 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
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Thanks for calling me names. Go back to sulking and being a burden on society it will make my ignorant ass very happy.
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'88 till infinity...
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