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 WordlessNature
kšatrīya
 
Registered: 02/04/06
Posts: 289
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 6 hours, 26 minutes
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 Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: Helixx]
#8383761 - 05/09/08 11:26 PM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Helixx said:
I disagree. By the sound of it, she and him are doing just fine; but not having a phone has provoked her into dropping in too much. Everyone hates frequent drop ins.
Really? This is just my personal definition of a successful relationship, but if you can't drop in unannounced without it being an issue, what kind of connection is that? Besides, if Niamhnyx wants a closer relationship (clingy or otherwise), then she would benefit by finding one.
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,015
Last seen: 27 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: WordlessNature]
#8383825 - 05/09/08 11:38 PM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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I think someone else is a babe, and considering I don't know what's gonna happen with this guy, it's hardly a crime. I wouldn't drop the first guy if the other one initiated something beyond the looking at each other that has been the entirety of our interaction so far. He's cute and he thinks I'm cute. I don't even really want anything to happen with him at this point. He doesn't effect my feelings towards guy #1, aside perhaps from giving me a sense of perspective, in that if it turns out our needs are just too different, there are other fish in the sea.
Besides, the point is to find a place where we're both comfortable, and if his preference of spending time alone means I feel too significant a lack of attention then I'm just going to move on. Right now I think it's very possible that we can find a balance, but it's also possible that we won't and that our needs are just too different. It doesn't matter how much we like each other if one of us has to be disatisfied to please the other.  If he only wants to see me every few weeks at random he could hardly begrudge me an interest in another guy. I'm just trying to be open to the wide variety of possibilities and not project expectations into the unwritten future.
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,015
Last seen: 27 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: WordlessNature]
#8383858 - 05/09/08 11:48 PM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
WordlessNature said:
Really? This is just my personal definition of a successful relationship, but if you can't drop in unannounced without it being an issue, what kind of connection is that? Besides, if Niamhnyx wants a closer relationship (clingy or otherwise), then she would benefit by finding one.
I see that and ultimately agree, but perhaps at a later point in the relationship? When it's still new and you're still getting to know one another, defining boundaries seems important and we made the mistake of failing to do this in the beginning and jumping into a routine (rife with expectations of hanging out/sleeping over on my part) too fast so now there's a bit of discomfort (and possibly overreaction on his part) to his unexpressed boundaries having been crossed. Sometimes people just feel like being alone and don't wanna hurt another's feelings by asking them to leave.
You may be right about me needing to find another relationship, but at this point it's hard to say. I think the next couple of weeks will really determine whether things feel right or whether I should just move on entirely.
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 johnm214
Registered: 05/31/07
Posts: 5,996
Loc: Americas
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8383924 - 05/10/08 12:11 AM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
In the past I was very needy largely because of an inability to identify and articulate what I really want/need and I've worked hard to get over both issues, so sometimes I put too much effort into thinking of exactly how I should approach further solving them, when sometimes the solution is to just let it be and not think about it at all.
From experience, I don't know how long you've been with him but it doesn't really matter, when someone is too clingy or dependant it gets old fast.
I'm not talking about your popping in, I'm talking about your attitude.
Its a shitty situation, but you've kinda gotta be independant for some guys. Myself, I can't stand people that feel a need to be with me all the time, and are worried about offending me and such. Really, most guys aren't that complicated. They don't get offended if you don't call all the time, or if you don't do little things for them, or whatnot.
I just don't like folks who it seems have no self worth, or a self worth that is dependant upon me.
I don't know you, but this may be how he is feeling.
I've been w/ girls that seem to have that classical prejudicial behavior where they are trying to please the guy and whatnot. I don't care for it. It kinda seems like you've gotta love yourself before you can have anyone love you, and its a turnoff when someone seems like they're dependant upon you.
In fact, it kinda goes the other way. When someone seems like they could get by fine without you, it seems liberating. You don't feel like you're going to crush them if you say "no I don't wanna go out" or whatever. You don't feel responsiblity for their station in life.
I don't know you but just some thoughts. Maybe you need to figure out if your really happy w/ yourself first, if any of the above sounds like you at all.
On the other hand, maybe he's just an ass. Its hard to see that in relationships, but if hes just a depressing guy who won't do anything or can't communicate, it can be hard to have a relationship.
If he won't tell you to gtfo when he wants to be alone, its not really your fault. If he refuses to communicate it's probably not going to correct itself anytime soon.
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,015
Last seen: 27 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: johnm214]
#8384149 - 05/10/08 01:34 AM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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What you described is how I have been in the past. Feeling like that made me sick and I have done much to change it and have had pretty significant results so far. I'm pretty independent and confident and certainly don't depend on approval from men to find a sense of self worth. However, I realize that there are probably still nagging little habits from my past that still influence the impression I give off in the present. It's hard to change such a significant amount in such a short period of time, but I've actively challenged myself at all times to be the person I want to be and not the frustrated, awkward and lonely person I was in the past.
I've had to learn how to have the sort of healthy relationships (romantic, platonic, etc.) I want from scratch (as well as figure out what having a "healthy" relationship really means to me) as I modelled pretty piss poor relationship skills from my mom (who is incredibly shy, insecure and very very needy-- she drives me crazy calling all the time, to the point where I actually dislike/pity her alot of the time for how much she demands of me.) I don't want to be anything like her, and purging the neurosis I inherited has involved a great deal of active effort and attention.
I also have an aversion to guys that give off a needy vibe. Being clung to is terrifying and I certainly don't want to do that to anyone else. I don't want a codependant relationship-- that's suffocating! I just need to continue to develop better relationship skills. I don't actually want to play the programs I learned as a kid/teenager. Bit by bit it disintegrates.... soon I'll defeat it.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 12,761
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 1 hour, 1 minute
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8384783 - 05/10/08 10:06 AM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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I find the best way of dealing with love interests is to just live your life as usual, without being afraid to lose their interest or attention. If you lose them you weren't meant to be with them. So no need to worry about calling too often or not enough.
Be fully with them when you are together. Be fully with yourself when you are not. Don't spend time thinking about them when you aren't with them.
This seems to remove a lot of the anxiety and guesswork surrounding a developing relationship.
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-oOo-
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. -- `Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' -- Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"
-oOo-
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Chronic777
Awareness of "I Am"
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 2,993
Loc: Emptiness
Last seen: 2 days, 8 hours
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: Helixx]
#8384847 - 05/10/08 10:39 AM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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Well he says he wants you two to know each other better first, which is good.
But if he isn't making the effort to get to know you better then wtf?
I bet you if you started going out with sumone else he'd be on you like flys on...
I definately don't like drop ins at all 
Just say to him wtf we gonna meet up or what, u wanna be friends or more?
Your either attracted to sumone or not, vice versa. Attraction doesn't grow imo, you either want them or not, there no "ive grown to love you" no way! That just means ill settle for you as i've grown to like you & cant be bothered to find sumone else.
Just ask him do you find me attractive? If he cant say yes without pausing then just be friends, he should want you so bad it hurts, not just be so nonchalant about it.
Unless hes a virgin & really shy...in that case just be gentle 
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"That in whom reside all beings and who resides in all beings, who is the giver of grace to all, the Supreme Soul of the universe, the limitless being, I Am That."
"I remember one experience where a person experienced being physically raped by psychedelic crocodiles"
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OwMyHead
Village eediyot
Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 174
Last seen: 2 days, 19 hours
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: Helixx]
#8386152 - 05/10/08 05:05 PM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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It sounds to me like he actually doesn't KNOW what he wants and until he works that part out, I think you're going to be cycling.
Either that, or he's got a pathological aversion to "being the bad guy", to the point where if he doesn't want you to come over he won't tell you, but he's passive-aggressively not showing as much interest in you as he would if he DID want you to come over, and when you get bored or irritated and *quit* going over, then you're the "bad guy", because YOU left HIM.
It's entirely possible he's not doing either of these things consciously. However, I still think he needs to figure out WTF he wants before you bother with him.
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recycledsoul
Stranger
Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 54
Last seen: 1 month, 26 days
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: OwMyHead]
#8386565 - 05/10/08 06:56 PM (3 months, 25 days ago) |
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lets look at the last paragraph. "im getting some mixed signals and i dont know what do do". From who, yourself or this boy?
Because when you analyze this, you are confused as well as him. So it may help to figure out the way your mind is functioning first. And meditation is the clearest root to this. Just observing and listening, no making new thoughts. Observe the breath. Meditaiton is the most beneficial thing for 1)an individual and 2) a relationship. Love is blind.
Love is blind. So really dont create an image of what you think he is, or an image of what you are. Because then you are not really seeing Him, youre seeing what you Think is Him. really if you can meditate well for 1 hour a day you wont need to ask anyone anymore advice ever. or for 10 hours a day. this is such a beautiful thing to really become a master of your mind. because all confusion, all suffering is created by the mind.
So just take it slow. i think its good he doesnt wanna just indulge in physical lust with you, that means he really wants to be your friend and not just use you to fufill his desire(desire is general not for a single person). friendship is the basis of anything deeper, more inimate.
One love
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Listen to what the universe wants you to do, be happy
listen to what the mind wants you to do, be miserable
just be Here. Reality as it is, dont change it as you would like it to be, just observe, no repression, no expression
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,015
Last seen: 27 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: recycledsoul]
#8387274 - 05/10/08 10:29 PM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
WhiskeyClone said:
I find the best way of dealing with love interests is to just live your life as usual, without being afraid to lose their interest or attention. If you lose them you weren't meant to be with them. So no need to worry about calling too often or not enough.
Be fully with them when you are together. Be fully with yourself when you are not. Don't spend time thinking about them when you aren't with them.
This seems to remove a lot of the anxiety and guesswork surrounding a developing relationship.
Wise words. Intellectually, I've known this for a long time. It's the fully integrating it into my whole being and owning it that's the tricky part. I find there's a definite lag between intellectual and integral knowing in matters of how one would live better.
Here's the fundamental problem which really has nothing to do with him: I am constantly plagued by feelings of disatisfaction about my life in general. When I'm in the midst of a romance I enjoy the excitement enough to temporarily forget the fundamental difference between my expectations and my reality about myself and whether or not I'm making the utmost of my limited time in this existence. I always feel like I should be doing more, challenging myself more, experiencing more, etc... when I'm in some romance I get excited and inspired and all of the sudden want to take on all kinds of projects. The energy I get from living in the moment in love transfers to other areas and I suddenly have the motivation to make music, to garden, to read, to explore the city, to go out and see people, etc. I don't hate myself or have any glaring self esteem issues. I don't rely on validation from a lover. So the prospect of things not working out with so-and-so seems to be more a matter of me once again finding myself in the place of confused stagnancy and disatisfaction, no longer able to ride on the energy generated by romance.
Oh, and for the record this guy just sent me a message telling me he lost my phone number, giving me his new one and telling me he's playing a show near my house that I should come to....
I think we're probably going to be friends.
Edited by NiamhNyx (05/10/08 11:53 PM)
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 6,864
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 3 hours, 40 minutes
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8388095 - 05/11/08 03:34 AM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
Here's the fundamental problem which really has nothing to do with him: I am constantly plagued by feelings of disatisfaction about my life in general. When I'm in the midst of a romance I enjoy the excitement enough to temporarily forget the fundamental difference between my expectations and my reality about myself and whether or not I'm making the utmost of my limited time in this existence. I always feel like I should be doing more, challenging myself more, experiencing more, etc... when I'm in some romance I get excited and inspired and all of the sudden want to take on all kinds of projects. The energy I get from living in the moment in love transfers to other areas and I suddenly have the motivation to make music, to garden, to read, to explore the city, to go out and see people, etc. I don't hate myself or have any glaring self esteem issues. I don't rely on validation from a lover. So the prospect of things not working out with so-and-so seems to be more a matter of me once again finding myself in the place of confused stagnancy and disatisfaction, no longer able to ride on the energy generated by romance.
Maybe the reason why you feel like experiencing more life in general when you're in love is because you are raising to your own expectations? Since you usually feel like you're not doing enough, when you experience a new romance, you feel like you're somehow "worthy" to allow yourself to enjoy life more. I think I have experienced similar feelings to that in the past, and, after a very close analysis, this is the conclusion I came to.
While rationally you realize that this is pulling you backwards and confusing you, there are still some mechanisms that trigger old thinking patterns. I would try to find out what exactly is causing all that, what makes you think that you experience more when in fact you don't? Maybe it's lack of confidence, maybe you need to redefine who you are?
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This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight 
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,015
Last seen: 27 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: MushroomTrip]
#8388114 - 05/11/08 04:14 AM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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I think it's more a matter of just feeling energized by the romance. I usually just sort of putter along but initiating a new and thrilling interaction with someone exciting gets me going and the energy transfers to other areas of importance in my life. It's not really a matter of worthiness or confidence or anything like that. It's a matter of motivation. Initiating fresh, passionate relations with someone I respect and enjoy gets me inspired. I ought to find some other well of energy, and I'm working on figuring that out.
And as for the specific person in question, I went to the party he played tonight and we had a really good hangout/talk. He doesn't feel wierd about me dropping by, apparently it doesn't bother him at all. His thing is just that he's the most introverted person in the universe and he really values spending as much time alone as possible. So really, as far as social interaction goes he's unpredictable and undependable. I respect that because he's entirely sincere and not bullshitting to make it easier to blow me off. We'll certainly be friends and I'm quite content with that. I'd only be sad to cut all ties, because he's one of the best people I've met in a long time.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 6,864
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 3 hours, 40 minutes
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8388168 - 05/11/08 05:25 AM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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Feeling joy for life comes from the acknowledgment that it feels good when you're in that state. If your state is conditioned by something from outside of yourself (be it a new relation or anything else), you risk of losing it any time. If you're motivating yourself, regardless of the outside circumstances, then this feeling doesn't have to be discontinuous, since you're providing yourself with everything you need.
The reason why I said that you could be dealing with some confidence issues is specifically because your state of well being seems to depend on outside factors, and this happens because you think that you can't make it happen for yourself. Like I said, this doesn't have to be a very loud and conscious thought, but more of a background noise. We all have to deal with irrational emotions, even if intellectually we understand the flaws in those emotions. It never hurts to take a deeper look at your most inner thoughts.
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This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight
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mushbaby
Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 1,988
Loc: moving
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8388211 - 05/11/08 06:30 AM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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Ok Niam, maybe it's just how I am but...................................
If the first guy isn't wanting a relationship and you also like this other guy, why can't you date both?
I had read where you were saying that you wouldn't drop the first one if the other one was interested, so here's another option for you. Now once a discussion about not seeing other people has taken place, you should stick to just one guy but when there's no commitment, why commit yourself?
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Maybe - and that's final.
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recycledsoul
Stranger
Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 54
Last seen: 1 month, 26 days
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Re: my love interest has boundary asserting issues... [Re: mushbaby]
#8388420 - 05/11/08 09:03 AM (3 months, 24 days ago) |
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atleast you realize that you are plagued by feelings of dissatisfaction
realize.. this is the nature of the mind
never satisfied always craving pleasant things avoiding unpleasant. but both are going to come in life, no?
so really dont identify yourself with these feelings of dissatisfaction like you are now. watch the demand of the mind come, observe, watch it going... going, leaving
a new one comes oh i am so dissatisfied, so you get identified and you go through the slavery of the mind and you do something you think will bring you satisfaction, and yea theres some temporary satisfaction. then soon the mind creates another demand, wants more more more and then you again if listening to the mind and thinking it IS YOU become unhappy.
just observe your breathe, let your mind untie itself, dont get caught up in it or you can remain unsatisfied the whole life. what for?
get what you need be happy
chase what you want be miserable
dont think if you 'get' this guy you will remain satisfied with him. there will be a period of illusory satisfaction, next the mind will start destroying this, change him, change yourself, change your situation. you could be satisfied together, if you are both enough for yourself and you simply share in eachothers satisfaction.
its a simple thing, just observe you may find a little clarity
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Listen to what the universe wants you to do, be happy
listen to what the mind wants you to do, be miserable
just be Here. Reality as it is, dont change it as you would like it to be, just observe, no repression, no expression
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