hey I can relate my experience to your experience. It seems like the mind is really a destructive thing - and by golly, with the beliefs placed into them from an early age, it is no wonder why it constantly has these patterns.
In my experience, i have gathered that the mind is simply trying to help you with your future, like it seems to be geared towards. Ultimatly its trying to minimize pain and especially the pain and fear associate with guilt.
At times you feel you have very little thought control, but I just recalled something i have gathered from life a while back. The mind cannot be controlled, it is usually better to go with it and adapt to its thoughts as a way to re-program it. Imagine these alerts as an anti-virus software giving you a notice through our emotions of something that is threatening us, in our experience. Really it is just our thoughts interacting with our experience which causes the mind to see threats to begin with. Also, imagine your main focus is to help reduce pain...it becomes obvious that when something tries to tell you that there is not a threat here, it rebels against it as a lies, because within its understanding there does not exist a thought which allows it to easily listen to such meaning as valuable, in this case the thought that 'our reality and the threats percieved by our mind, are effected by the way we think about ourselves and especially the world, but most importantly each other.
In truth, most percieved threats are simply based in an illogical thought given to us at a very young age, by our culture. Many people kill themselves, murder and rape over these thoughts, for they make these things the only option left for the person.
One example would be that before i had a belief and still do to a much lesser degree, in the brain. Namely that women offer men much more in sexual intimacy than men can generally ever offer a women. This was something which drove my decisions alot of the time, it made a number of thoughts also flourish in my head, such as giving girls this ticket to the truth in my head about who i am and also that they were a sort of supreme object that i had to adhere to.
heres really where this has to do with the emotions we feel and the actions we take. I was watching a TV show and this spirit, with a very sexually attractive body appeared before me. Within the movie she was offered a job in return for sexual favours, and having different beliefs about women in my mind this year, i felt like 'what does this guy see in this act of sex with her? I thought, hmm. Before i had a desire for this type of thing, as in like 4 -5 years ago. I had a thought about what might have changed and i had the right thought about it - it was my beliefs about who we are. Heres what happen, i would watch this movie and I would bring those old beliefs taught into my mind, by our culture(women control sexual intimacy, they offer more to men than men offer women - think about the 'slut' and 'player' and how they both have a desire to do the same thing but by virtue of their body are thought of differently by our society) Ok. So i bring this belief into my head, and bang my penis becomes aroused and i start feeling like this would be fun(i just did that again, to the same note and same outcome hehe.) But then i brought back the logical belief about sex and who i really am in relation to women, and bang i would prefer simply to talk to her, and in no way have a desire to forcefully have sex with her. This is serious shit, i just did that all over again, actually.
What amazes me is our cultures lack of this knowledge makes for these problems to arise over and over again for one reason; we are not getting to the source of why people act forcefully towards another person....we just say the did that because they are bad, and they are bad cuz the did that, slap hand cuffs on them, put them in jail make them more frustrated with their lives and release them again...sounds suicidal if you keep in mind the experience i had and the power of thought in basic desires and social encounters.
by neglecting the source of the problem, we will never find the solution..because the solution you have to a problem, relies first on being aware about what the problem is being caused by. By no means am i saying anything life changing, i am just pointing out that there may be something we are overlooking in our world...it could very well be that the ways of our past fathers and mothers, do not work anymore with the minds and lifestyle we have now. this is something you decide about what is true, as anything, little does it do to point it out but alot it does to bring it to daily life.
I love you to bro, the best peace allways.
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The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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I also fucked up all my relationships as I'm going through a sort of spiritual emergency of sorts so I have pretty much no real friends it seems.:(
