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 just me
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 Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9070896 - 10/13/08 12:35 PM (2 months, 25 days ago) |
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i need to catch up 
aloha
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For All Your ETHNO SEEDS Needs, Come See Me @ http://thevespiary.org/talk/index.php?topic=3.0
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-pEaCeLoVeGoDbLeSs-
"The Downfall of Mankind; is Believing He Has Limitations."
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,683
Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: just me]
#9082015 - 10/15/08 03:17 PM (2 months, 23 days ago) |
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The tired sounds of night filled me with fright as the leaves covered the ground in crackly might. Still I walked on, puffing on a joint and coughing loudly.
I stopped writing. I had intended this to be a cold start, with the narrator junky clown was cut off in mid though and where the really story begins, a nasty tale of a blossoming heroin addict of a writer, who's novel is semi-autobiographical and could lead to the arrest of some very prominent people in the city. He is thus drawn into a dark sideworld world filled with acid-salivating crack heads and legless pole dancers. I was having a blast write in it and wept a bit each night because I knew it would never get published. The content matter and the writing style was too obscene. No one I showed it too enjoyed it. Once a man walking his dog had asked me for a flyer, and with great hope I handed one out to him and with great sadness I watched it as he picked up his canine companion's feces and tossed it in the garbage. Humiliating to the highest degree.
There are nights were I misplace my sobriety and can't seem to find any concentration, so everything I do is scattered. Recently my dreams have been scattered collages of stupid fantasies and daydreams rejected and I fear I'm losing my mind. However, if I am other are too, certainly. The things I used to limit as personal hallucinations are being witnessed by others. The other day a was burning, a screeching pathetic patch of flame blistering feline. I, being used to these atrocities by now, said nothing, but a woman was losing her cool, screaming the good scream to awaken everyone to whatever the hell horror was going on. I walked by and listened to the screams fade with the oncoming distance. Then I stopped to get some greasy onion rings reaching out from a slop of mayo, the epitome of my meals that week. Still, I was content. I wasn't in such a disposition that I need to post outside the school yards like Dino and wait for the first pre-pubescent creep with a bag of cookies to stroll out unawares.
"Hey kid, gimme them damn cookies or I'll cook your feet!"
"Huh? Mister? Hey! Hah! AHHH!"
Dino looked like he could've been attractive once but routine beatings from loan sharks and a volatile love affair with alcohol had caused his face to be in a perpetual state of bruise and bloatedness. He indeed looked like someone who would to steal the snacks of schoolchildren and he was eating a small tub of animal crackers when I met him for dinner that.
"What's the snap, Jack?" he asked me as he bit off the head of a gazelle. A ton of immature metaphors flashed through my midn but I kept silent.
"What's the situation?"
"The gay couple looks ready to call it quits on the lobster but realistically we'll probably be able to nab only the leftover breadsticks from that family of four over there."
"No, fool. I mean the situation on the Circuit."
"The Circuit. Well," he said, licking his lips. "Mary's out. Drowned herself in coke wile reviewing the Seven Eights concert. Devin and Bryan are somewhere in the middle of town going over the new suburban click and probably plotting to devastate it as well if I know them."
"So open positions?"
"You don't stand a chance as stand-on editor for residential life but Blakelyn says you could stand a shot as a temp musical editor."
"Good stuff, good stuff"
"Be real though, an underground magazine that forces you to pay more to get your stuff published than they pay you?"
"Gotta start somewhere. Would make a good anecdote. Couple in the blue skirt's off, two full soup bowls."
"Move in."
We slunk into the restaurant, two dredgy-shirted, grey-shorted vultures with bland eyes and pained expressions and devoured.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9126076 - 10/24/08 10:43 AM (2 months, 14 days ago) |
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The hot chocolate stand stood proudly in the heavy fog. Steam from the mugs of cocoa mingled with the fog. The fog covered all, and whoever was outside muttered disagreeable remarks about the weather and whoever was inside stood in front of a television set, bored. Or maybe they snuggled with a blanket and drank some tea while tackling a crime novel. The woodland animals sought shelter but every now and then a furry face could be identified through the mist or suddenly crossing the street and nearly colliding with a car. Either way the hot chocolate stand still stood.
Business had been slow but Tommy still applauded his five-year-old mind for coming up with such a scheme.
Angie sells cookies and lemonade on really hot days. Lemonade tastes really nice on sunny hot days. So does ice cream but her mom hit her when she kept begging for tubs of chocolate and strawberry. Today is cold. I love hot chocolate on cold days! I’ll sell hot chocolate! he thought excitedly.
“The Blood Child still shows little sign of emotional maturity or physical growth, but his thought process does seem to grow more logical by the day,” a cloaked figure said. It peered into a pool that was filled with what seemed to be liquid smoke.
“Dammit!” Katherine said, snapping her fingers nervously. “I’ve read reports that some kids are ripe for The Bleeding at age of four! What’s this kids deal?”
“He does reveal a trait of hardy perseverance,” the cloaked figure continued, peering ever intently into the swirling smoke.
“Landon, do the astrological charts say anything about his growth?”
“None, mistress.”
“Damn!” she said, snapping her fingers. She was now doing a jerky little shuffle across the room, as if intentionally trying to dance badly.
“He’s fighting a dog that has encroached his territory,” the cloaked figure said.
“Oh?” Katherine said.
“Yes. He’s picking up a stick and repeatedly jabbing it on the nose. The dog has retreated.”
“Goody! Just a small example, but still, it’s little acts of violence like those we need to be on the lookout for!”
“How will we know when we are allowed to take him?” Landon asked.
“When he does something heinous, accidental or not, like kill the family pet or poison his baby sister’s apple juice.”
“Does he have the capacity for that?”
“The seven moons say that he’s a bloodchild, and the elders go on and on about him. Something will emerge, soon enough.”
“If it doesn’t, you two will die,” the cloaked figure said.
Landon nodded mournfully. Katherine continued snapping.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9145332 - 10/27/08 10:26 PM (2 months, 11 days ago) |
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She didn't know how to start a novel so she never did. The cancer wore on and wore her out and each passing day she thought of awful sentences, grand sentences, sentences to entice and to disgust, something eye catching but she never applied any of it to paper. She was too frightened that committing her thoughts to pen would reveal the plainness of her thoughts.
"Myra?" she asked her nurse one day.
"Yes, Leann, my dear?" she answered, watering the flowers on the girl's window.
"I'm not boring, am I?"
"Sometimes I come into work high just because waiting on you is so unentertaining."
Leann giggled.
"Really though."
"I wouldn't say so. I mean you have cancer. That in itself is a topic worth discussing."
"Yah. I guess. I don't know."
She stayed quiet for a moment.
"I think it's defined me."
"Honey, what do you mean?"
"Like," she said, pausing to gather her thoughts and worrying she was being stupid, "everyone who visits me, who don't talk about anything, nothing but how sick I am, how much better I'm getting, what we'll do if I get better. It just revolves around the cancer." She paused again.
"Yesterday when my sister came, I tried talking to her about our cousin's band, and she said he had written a song about me, and then we just started talking about my sickness. I'm getting sick of it."
"It's natural," Myra shrugged. "And it's a pain, but it's natural. They're worried about you. They probably think you're delicate, that you don't want to hear any news about what's outside." She waved her hand casually toward the window, as if nothing important was out there. It was a respectably sunny day. Grey clouds could be seen in the distance, moving toward the city like a mass of congealed turtles. The nurse stood there, looking outside and wondered if there were another nurse in the world looking outside the window of her cancer patient. Probably
Leann waited to see if Myra would say anything about her saying if she got better. She usually did. For the past two weeks whenever Leann dropped those little hints of self-doubt, Myra wouldn't say anything, just smile and hug her. There were no more bib sisterly chastisements or clandestine trips to the lobby to buy some candy.
"What animal would you be if you could choose one?" Myra asked.
"What?"
"What animal do you want to be?" Myra asked again. "I want to be a beautiful starfish, with one extra fin."
Leann giggled.
"A starfish huh?"
"An orange one, but not like a dull rusty orange, but, you know, the bright Halloween orange. And my extra fin shall be purple."
"Aw, come on Myra, stop acting goofy."
"And it will be able to shoot a jet of poison at whosoever dares pick me up in fascination," Myra continued, glaring outside the window. Leann was stifling her laughter.
"One moment you're strolling about the tidepools, the next your eye is melting from its socket, gooing into the ocean and being washed out with a whole bunch of other fish crap."
"Jesus, Myra."
"So what would you be? A bipedal worm, rabbit with 69 eyes, or a snail that trails LSD?"
Leann closed her eyes and thought.
"It's a leopard with black holes for spots, isn't it?"
"A butterfly," Leann said.
"Boring. And frail. Not like you. You should've chosen bull."
They both giggled. Then Myra had to tend to another patient and promised she'd be back later.
"Bye!" Leann called out. She settled into her bed. She didn't know what sort of flowers were on her window, just that they were purple and pretty to look at, and for a while she looked at them while tears silently ran down her cheek and dripped on the sheets.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9157918 - 10/30/08 02:11 AM (2 months, 8 days ago) |
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The Love Queen Procupine strolls down the sunny avenue in blue leather and red boots, calling the attention of all she passes and all who see her. There are blemishes strewn over her otherwise creamy skin white as original sin, and her lips and nose and ears are pierced with metal rings stained with rust. She owns the streets that transect downtown and connect with smelly alleyways but today she is on other business in the better districts of the city.
"Look at her," a grandmother with cloudy green eyes, like tea left out to sit too long on a rainy day, says to two petite grandchildren, rapable and clean. "Look at her body and look at her soul. Do not become like her, or society will abandon you.'
Queerly, the Love Queen Procupine possesses some form of latent psychic ability and sees the grandmother's thoughts in vibrant blue colors inked with the black of midnight. She turns and smiles a horrible smile, cheese yellow teeth melting in her mooth and forming hands in the cavital waste to add to the greeting.
The grandmother shrieks and something changes in her, outwards her. Her perfectly knit bun flows about in a wild mane and she becomes a sagacious vulture, scoops up the screaming grandchildren in mummified talons and carried them off through the streets, and pedestrians will later swear they saw a trail of motley feathers breeze her pathway. The Love Queen Porcupine continues her business, lazily scratching her smooth belly and combing the rainbow encrusted flies out of her hair. She doesn't care anymore.
"We'll capture her at dusk, when the sun is buried by time in a temporal watery grave," says Robert Damnspeed, head of the Lizards, a ragtag group of inner-city assassins who often flirt with the big wigs in the ways of violence, over dank luncheons held in the finest restaurants hidden in the top floors of the tallest buildings where steaming bowls of soup are served on the bare belly of an ex-sumo wrestler while a dim octuplet of redheads stand naked serving drinks. The chef is renounced cannibal they keep in check by sprinkling powdered heroin in his meals. Damnspeed fondly remembers the exquisite ice cream cake served to him with boiled raspberry jam and smacks his lips in delight. It will be worth capturing the Queen for even one more bite. But why is she hear? A fishy customer had earlier given him a tip that she'd come strolling down this side of town.
Lizard gives the three fingers up for Herald to go ahead and release the bees. The bees are genetically engineered with a type of poison that weakens the target throughout the day. She will be prey by nightfall and Herald will use the poison as a muscle relaxant and spend the next day eating corndogs and watching Woodie Allen movies.
The Queen Love Porcupine is aware of all of this. A man smelling like fish had warned her that the Lizards may be after here, probably were, were probably fingering themselves juts looking at her profiles and thinking of all the obscenities they'd commit when they caught her. She had simply shrugged and taken another plunge, and as she walks now, all the confidence of the sun within her, she strokes her pocket blade lovingly. She usually saves it for customers with a penchant for mutilation but it's been known in the corners of city shadows it's meet the stomach of a few unruly customers and drunken sailors.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9199406 - 11/06/08 11:34 PM (2 months, 22 hours ago) |
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She didn't know how to start a novel so she never did. The cancer wore on and wore her out and each passing day she thought of awful sentences, grand sentences, sentences to entice and to disgust, something eye catching but she never applied any of it to paper. She was too frightened that committing her thoughts to pen would reveal the plainness of her thoughts.
"Myra?" she asked her nurse one day.
"Yes, Leann, my dear?" she answered, watering the flowers on the girl's window.
"I'm not boring, am I?"
"Sometimes I come into work high just because waiting on you is so unentertaining."
Leann giggled.
"Really though."
"I wouldn't say so. I mean you have cancer. That in itself is a topic worth discussing."
"Yah. I guess. I don't know."
She stayed quiet for a moment.
"I think it's defined me."
"Honey, what do you mean?"
"Like," she said, pausing to gather her thoughts and worrying she was being stupid, "everyone who visits me, who don't talk about anything, nothing but how sick I am, how much better I'm getting, what we'll do if I get better. It just revolves around the cancer." She paused again.
"Yesterday when my sister came, I tried talking to her about our cousin's band, and she said he had written a song about me, and then we just started talking about my sickness. I'm getting sick of it."
"It's natural," Myra shrugged. "And it's a pain, but it's natural. They're worried about you. They probably think you're delicate, that you don't want to hear any news about what's outside." She waved her hand casually toward the window, as if nothing important was out there. It was a respectably sunny day. Grey clouds could be seen in the distance, moving toward the city like a mass of congealed turtles. The nurse stood there, looking outside and wondered if there were another nurse in the world looking outside the window of her cancer patient. Probably
Leann waited to see if Myra would say anything about her saying if she got better. She usually did. For the past two weeks whenever Leann dropped those little hints of self-doubt, Myra wouldn't say anything, just smile and hug her. There were no more bib sisterly chastisements or clandestine trips to the lobby to buy some candy.
"What animal would you be if you could choose one?" Myra asked.
"What?"
"What animal do you want to be?" Myra asked again. "I want to be a beautiful starfish, with one extra fin."
Leann giggled.
"A starfish huh?"
"An orange one, but not like a dull rusty orange, but, you know, the bright Halloween orange. And my extra fin shall be purple."
"Aw, come on Myra, stop acting goofy."
"And it will be able to shoot a jet of poison at whosoever dares pick me up in fascination," Myra continued, glaring outside the window. Leann was stifling her laughter.
"One moment you're strolling about the tidepools, the next your eye is melting from its socket, gooing into the ocean and being washed out with a whole bunch of other fish crap."
"Jesus, Myra."
"So what would you be? A bipedal worm, rabbit with 69 eyes, or a snail that trails LSD?"
Leann closed her eyes and thought.
"It's a leopard with black holes for spots, isn't it?"
"A butterfly," Leann said.
"Boring. And frail. Not like you. You should've chosen bull."
They both giggled. Then Myra had to tend to another patient and promised she'd be back later.
"Bye!" Leann called out. She settled into her bed. She didn't know what sort of flowers were on her window, just that they were purple and pretty to look at, and for a while she looked at them while tears silently ran down her cheek and dripped on the sheets.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,683
Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9256605 - 11/16/08 07:28 PM (1 month, 22 days ago) |
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What the hell double post for some reason
My bad
She walked into the room with a chocolate cake.
I first saw the chocolate cake when she walked into the room.
The room was captivated when she walked in, probably moreso by the large chocolate cake she was holding than she herself.
The cake was presented to a room life a gift from chocolate royalty.
The room accepted her as she walked in with an armful of chocolate cake.
Everyone in the room turned their noses toward the source of the captivating aroma, and droplets of saliva wetted the floor, such was the power of the woman and her chocolate cake.
The chocolate surveyed the room full of hungry patrons, scheming ways in which to totally dictate their taste buds, and the woman smiled.
The damnable woman walked into the room with a delicious chocolate cake on her, again with plans of fattening up her children.
The woman walked into the room covered in chocolate cake, glancing at her customers with salacious eyes that held a bit of danger in them, noting they way their mouths watered and their members stiffen when she smothered the frosting over her bosom.
The moment the woman with the chocolate cake walked into the room the children pounced on her, vicious little lions with courderoys and bows and suspenders and cheap frilly dresses all vying for the biggest slice.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
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Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9361973 - 12/03/08 09:34 PM (1 month, 5 days ago) |
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Johnny took acid when he was fourteen and pretty soon he was the biggest acid head in the lunchroom. He'd sit in class, frying and throwing out all these brilliantly stupid statements in response to the simplest questions the teachers would ask him. It was incredible, and we all hated him for being so wild. He'd eat alone, attired in tye-dye with a minimalist lunch, chewing slowly, thoughtfully, like the way a scholar chews his food, I'd imagine. Sometimes he wouldn't even eat and would push his food away and look at it as if they were in a Mexican standoff. Eat or be eaten. None of us had ever actually seen his grades, but he managed to stay in school well into his senior year, along with being an able student in one of the honors art classes.
Go figure.
We all figured he'd have an awful trip one day and get caught, but at the same time it was one of those jokes you don't actually mean. So when he actually did have a bad trip one day and got caught, it was even more horrible than we had imagined. They took him kicking, screaming, and spitting. He was spinning in the hands of grips of the teachers, trying to tear himself away. When I did acid myself much later on in life, I pretended to know what he was feeling, how he was attempting to escape an institution he felt was keeping him down. Or something. I certainly felt a sense of liberation when I dropped. Johnny only felt terror. There could be no mistaken on face. He probably felt like he was dying, and I suppose the apocalypse inside his body caused him to throw up while being lead away from the astounded faces of the students. None of use ever saw him at school again.
We were sorry for the first few days, then resolute that one of use, even if he was never really with us, was gone, and after a while it decomposed into bitter amusement that he had been caught, the silly ass. No one was so close to him that they'd be able to randomly call him to check up on him or hang out with him anyway. We moved on and sure enough he became a school legend people brought up when they skipped class to get high.
I saw him once more and then never again. The first was when me and my friend Peter went off to buy weed at the Park. It was a wonderfully awful place, full of loud, obnoxious bums and dirty flower children who'd sell you oregano just as soon as smile at you. We didn't recognize him, he had grown a full beard and had these great bags of fatigue surrounding his eyes so that he looked like a drugged up raccoon, but he recognized us and ambled over to greet us and deal us. He was wearing this flamingo pink shirt with the sleeves so long they covered his hands, and these frayed olive-drab pants. Not a very deep conversation went on. He smoked us out a joint and we chatted about school. I think we were in a bit of shock seeing one of the biggest druggies we had known, and not only that but toking with him indian style on the grass like it was no big thing. He added in a few good sized nugs more than was necessary and we went on our way, promising we'd be back in the near future. Later that night when we were high, we kicked ourselves for not seizing the chance to delve into his life that in school we had been so interested in and then fell asleep. The next morning we rubbed the memory out of our eyes and continued on with our routine.
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just me
Friend
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Posts: 5,474
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9363475 - 12/04/08 02:27 AM (1 month, 4 days ago) |
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everytime man i just wish the story would go on.
again and again
u have a wonderful talent
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For All Your ETHNO SEEDS Needs, Come See Me @ http://thevespiary.org/talk/index.php?topic=3.0
--------------------------------------------------
-pEaCeLoVeGoDbLeSs-
"The Downfall of Mankind; is Believing He Has Limitations."
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,683
Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: just me]
#9376394 - 12/05/08 10:58 PM (1 month, 2 days ago) |
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The sky was bruised with sunset. Two figures leaned together on a dirty hill watching the day complete its transformation to the night. They tried thinking of beautiful, poetic things to say but neither could come up with anything they found worth saying.
When it was completely dark they started whispering the beginning bits of secrets in each others ears, vows that they'd never leave each other. The stars blessed this word trade with pale light, and they got up and left after a while.
"Thank you for tonight," Kay said on the drive home.
"It's no problem. I wish I could've been more romantic, but..."
"No, everything was perfect. I like the way everything happened."
Bernie smiled a bit. He navigated the road with gentle precision. They didn't say anything after that but both could tell that the other had fallen in love, and they were happy with that.
Who wasn't happy with that was Kay's ferociously unstable ex Larry.
He had spied them on the hill, using his older brother's impressive binoculars that were so strong he could count the bracelets on Kay's arm and the number of wrinkles on her forehead when she laughed, three adorable lines adding pleasant imperfections to her round face.
He felt the handle of his knife. It felt as cold as Kay's heart must've felt when she broke up with him. He flipped out a little red notebook and scribbled that in before he forgot. On the day when he was caught for a mess of murders he committed he absolutely had to have a pocketful of mad scribblings. He figured someone as messed up as him should have a story to tell, and the death of Kay and whatever the hell his name was, Bernard Maxin or something stupid, was another little addendum to his autobiography in the making.
It was to be called "Shattered Velvet Mirrors." Everyday he woke up, that was the first thing he thought the title of and as of the past two months it hadn't sounded so stupid he was required to think of another one.
"Hmm, think of another one, I want something intelligent but absorbing without resorting to shock."
"I'm telling you the Vulgar Sexcapades of Kay Harrison would sell, perhaps not millions, but would sell."
Kay forced a laugh. Bernie could be needlessly stupid sometimes.
"Maybe, but I'd like to think my autobiography could be more interesting than a collection of my various, wild sexual encounters."
"Awesome. I thought I was joking."
She punched him on the arm.
Larry followed them a good distance away, just enough to never lose the light of Bernie's jeep. Foolish man, taking his lover to his parent's remote cabin in the woods. Was he blind to the world of murder-minded ex boyfriends? And had Kay really been so lost in judgement she had neglected to tell him of his existence?
They'd be sorry, horrifically sorry, and it wouldn't even matter.
The lovers rode on and the madman followed.
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just me
Friend
Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 5,474
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9379215 - 12/06/08 02:08 PM (1 month, 2 days ago) |
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what happens next?
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For All Your ETHNO SEEDS Needs, Come See Me @ http://thevespiary.org/talk/index.php?topic=3.0
--------------------------------------------------
-pEaCeLoVeGoDbLeSs-
"The Downfall of Mankind; is Believing He Has Limitations."
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,683
Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9454196 - 12/18/08 02:38 AM (21 days, 19 hours ago) |
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Stupendous Leslie Santa Maria was about as stupid a name as one could come up with but through some perverse will of God it stuck, and four four excruciating years, Leslie Santa Maria, who really was stupendous at basketball, it had to be admitted, was called Stupendous Leslie Santa Maria.
"Why would they do that?" her friend Riana asked her after Leslie's first basketball game. Riana didn't go to school anymore and spent all day knitting strange dresses that were bought for the novelty of it and smoking cigarettes
Leslie shook her head.
The name just sounded bad. It had a cheesy ring to it, like something that'd be used in after school special about sportsmanship. It could've been worse, but it was still annoying. Terribly annoying. Even the teachers called her that. Even the damn dean called her that and that was just a bit much.
She had tried discussing it with her boyfriend Tom, who also claimed she was stupendous in other areas.
"It's like they're elevating me to some plateau I don't need to be on."
"Have you tried just telling people about it?"
"No go."
"You'll figure some way to deal with it."
"Hmmm."
"Of course you will, you're Stupendous Leslie Santa-"
"THOMAS!"
So that was that and even when she tried discussing it with people, her best friends, random freshmen, even some the odd whacked out school parent, but they all persisted.
So one day, the very last day of school, when she to receive her diploma and get her degree in something at Whatever State University, she decided to act very unstupendous.
She received her diploma, made sure she was facing the audience square, and farted. Later, people would claim it was among one of the most powerful sounds they had ever heard, a low-depth rumble that sounded exactly how it smelled, horrible, like frogs exploding or two hobos having sex in a dumpster. It was awful, and thank goodness Leslie was in the S's otherwise everyone would have had to suffer even longer. When Earl Zerethia received his diploma, he quickly ran offstage and took his seat, the better to role out of there more quickly. Leslie sat in her place and smiled serenely. The salutatorian speech was cut off by a half-warning, half-pleading look from the principal. The students shuffled out quickly. What in the hell had she eaten? was the question going through everyone's mind. They kept turning carnivorous glances at her but she ignored them with the cold grace of an iceberg nymph. What her next move be?
Ah, yes?
She purposely coughed on the girl in front of her, loudly and strongly. Regina Samclaire felt the goop slam onto her head and heard the gross sound accompanying it, and she prayed neither were real. Everyone was staring now, politeness be damned. There was something calculated in that sneeze. Still, Lesli smiled. They all stared at her apprehensively, watching her, daring her to do something else but hoping that she wouldn't. Regina's left eye started twitching. Her scalp was starting to itch.
Still Leslie smiled.
Just wait until she puked up the graduation cake in the punch bowl.
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,683
Last seen: 22 minutes, 54 seconds
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9479310 - 12/22/08 05:25 PM (17 days, 5 hours ago) |
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I'm cold, hungry, and broke
But I still have my keyboard
Bored. Extreme boredom. The awful boredom that fills up the awful souls who sit around this room and subject themselves to the mess of a professor who reigns over the podium presently. Squat and drab, he throws out incorrect facts and fallible theorems while we all stew, and for a long moment I have to remind myself why I signed up for this meat.
Ah, yes, Frida.
She sits in the far lower left corner, bored as I, and it's certainly not kind to her, but she's a heartbreakingly beautiful giirl. I'm pretty sure she has no clue who I am, but that's how all those movies start, you know, the boy with the nothing identity nabbing the girl who symbolizes everything. I'm confident.
So confident, as my poetry will speak for itself
Blushing red unlike apples dead
Your smile always fills my head
With golden dreams and romantic schemes
And brownies and pink cupcakes and other things
I want you, Frida
For you of molten lava I'd drink a lita
I will give you everything and I expect nothing in return
Except to always allow our love to burn
Through the bitter nights of most pale winters
And the bandage-worthy incidents of splinters
Yes, I'm utterly ****ing confident and will be amazed if this doesn't work out
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just me
Friend
Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 5,474
Loc: MO/FL/TX/HI
Last seen: 5 hours, 25 minutes
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Re: Various snippets I'd like critiqued [Re: Hyper_Panda_GO]
#9486061 - 12/23/08 09:50 PM (16 days, 35 minutes ago) |
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For All Your ETHNO SEEDS Needs, Come See Me @ http://thevespiary.org/talk/index.php?topic=3.0
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-pEaCeLoVeGoDbLeSs-
"The Downfall of Mankind; is Believing He Has Limitations."
Edited by just me (12/24/08 02:23 AM)
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