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 OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
 
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 54,175
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 3 days, 3 hours
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 "Lookin' for a love"
#7927076 - 01/24/08 10:04 PM |
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Quote:
I've been looking for a lover
But I haven't met her yet
She'll be nothing like
I pictured her to be
In her eyes I will discover
Another reason why
I want to live
and make the best
of what I see.
Where the sun hits the water
And the mountains meet the sand
There's a beach
that I walk along sometimes
And maybe there I'll meet her
And we'll start to say 'hello'
And never stop to think
of any other time.
Looking' for a love
that's right for me
I don't know how long
it's going to be
But I hope I treat her kind
And don't mess with her mind
When she starts to see
the darker side of me.
[this is a combination of scribblings in my real-life Moleskine journal and some flourishes I'm adding right here]
As much as I'm enjoying singlehood, and say I don't need anyone...
I think I may be in the mood for love. I'm wired this way. I need receptacles for all my emotional energy.
That's kind of terrible, to think of a woman as a receptacle.
But it's also not entirely what it means, or how I meant to say it. I don't just want to put my energy somewhere, i want someone to create a feedback loop with. An endless exchange of emotion, a perpetual emotion machine. I got that from Lucy once, but eventually it wasn't so...whose fault is that? Not one person's. A two-way road like love doesn't get jammed just by one party, not always...in fact, I think a lot of it was me, if I have to be really honest with myself.
My eyes were always darting, roving. (But then again, that's because I didn't get the intimacy I always wanted...) But i also always did love her, and inmany ways still do. But for a long time it was I love you when I'm with you, but my thoughts don't necessarily linger on you while you're away. and when I'm with you, there's a feeling of counterproductive comfort.
When we spent time together, I didn't feel we could be apart. We had to always "do" something. Ok, we're hanging out, so what'll we "do?" Not just BE around each other...like it once was.
I do want love. I just want to find a lover who wants to do her own creative thing while I do mine. An artist in her own right. And when we DO come together, we'll make beautiful music. Lover, I want to lay beside you writing. Let's give each other everything but not always be asking for anything in return. Lover, you are out there.
Weird.
I took a class at NYU. For one month i sat in a room and pined for a girl. While I had a girlfriend, I pined for another. (As I'd often do in classrooms when we were together, crushing on others while apart from her...only natural.)
I remember Katy in her gray dress. Soft firm body, sunkissed skin, beautiful face, lovely eyes, and a voice that often spurted out intelligent takes on whatever it was that we were reading at the moment. I wanted her so badly. I could feel it. Strange now, for that to be a possibility, a real possibility.
I get way ahead of myself. This is just a flicker of a possible flame right now. But I put so much weight on eye contact, and I tell you, in the brief moment we re-encountered each other, there was absolute electricity between us. And I am afraid maybe I'm just falling into a trap of wanting love so badly I'll look for it at the first possible turn. But I don't want that thought to jade me to the possibility that I may be at the cusp of something absolutely wonderful.
I don't know.
I know what I want right now, my ideal at least. I want a psychedelic lover. Someone who wants to eat these substances with me, and create art, and just talk endlessly about ideas and emotions. Someone who wants to live life like an adventure, not just sit comfortably and quietly and not go anywhere.
I want a lover.
I'm looking for a lover, but I haven't found her yet. She'll probably be nothing like I expected her to be...
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The Drug Policy Alliance  Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 54,175
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 3 days, 3 hours
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I fooled myself into thinking all I wanted was casual ass. Ha. It's just not me. As I sit here in an MDMA-induced state of honesty with myself, I know I want a lover, not a fling.
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The Drug Policy Alliance Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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 RandalFlagg
That's MR.Dickhead to you
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,150
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I hear you man...loud and clear. Every word you typed I have felt and currently do feel. How wondrous it would be to find a woman who stimulates you, holds your interest, is a good person, and is there when you need someone. A true partner and lover. Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that such girls come along for both you and I.
P.S. You have real MDMA? Damn...I need to come visit. I'll bring some dank for you! 
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OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 54,175
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 3 days, 3 hours
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So Katy disappeared off the face of the earth...I was really just interested in her because she was being so forward about being interested in me...there wasn't any substance there. Meanwhile another girl has reared her head. And I'm in trouble, man. I am in some deep trouble. This head of mine seems wired for falling. I need to stop getting ahead of myself. A friend is a friend is a valuable thing.
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The Drug Policy Alliance Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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WhiskeyClone
Below the bottomline
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 11,894
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 6 hours, 43 minutes
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Quote:
And I'm in trouble, man. I am in some deep trouble. This head of mine seems wired for falling.
Everyone's is. That's why there are six billion of us.
Balance is overrated, just go with it.
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-oOo-You are not what you think you are-oOo-
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OneMoreRobot3021
punky jewster
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 54,175
Loc: new york shitty
Last seen: 3 days, 3 hours
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Ugh. I feel kind of like an idiot right now. Sorta drunk and just...ugh. Ugh!
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The Drug Policy Alliance Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies
"The psychedelic experience - it has a tremendous force to revivify the spirit, particularly because it is not an ideology. It is not something someone 'figured out.' It is an EXPERIENCE. And this is important to bear in mind." - McKenna.
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MOTH
Alien fey
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 16,485
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