Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! Please login or register to post messages and view our members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, encrypted messages, file attachments, board customizations, and much more!
It all started when Jesus woke up in the jungle. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling excessively exasperated, Jesus backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved jibberish was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Satan. Jesus had known Satan for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Satan was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... clueless. Jesus called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Satan picked up to a very sad Jesus. Satan calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sigh before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually sassily panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Jesus. Why was Satan trying to distract Jesus? Because she had snuck out from Jesus's with the jibberish only six days prior. It was a exotic little jibberish... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Jesus got back to the subject at hand: his jibberish. Satan sighed. Relunctantly, Satan invited him over, assuring him they'd find the jibberish. Jesus grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Satan realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the jibberish and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Jesus took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, she had take at least eleven minutes before Jesus would get there. But if he took the zig zag? Then Satan would be abnormally screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Satan was interrupted by eleven abrasive Care Bears that were lured by her jibberish. Satan panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she aptly reached for her ripened avocado and carefully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the zig zag rolling up. It was Jesus.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Jesus was out of the zig zag and went explosively jaunting toward Satan's front door. Meanwhile inside, Satan was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the jibberish into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her canoe. Satan was displeased but at least the jibberish was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Satan sassily purred. With a hasty push, Jesus opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless beer-sloshed tool in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Satan assured him. Jesus took a seat nearby where Satan had hidden the jibberish. Satan cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Jesus was distracted. As if it really mattered Satan noticed a annoying look on Jesus's face. Jesus slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Satan felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Jesus asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the jibberish right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Jesus's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Jesus nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Satan could react, Jesus skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The jibberish was plainly in view.
Jesus stared at Satan for what what must've been three minutes. As if it really mattered Satan groped explosively in Jesus's direction, clearly desperate. Jesus grabbed the jibberish and bolted for the door. It was locked. Satan let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Jesus,' she rebuked. Satan always had been a little annoying, so Jesus knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Satan did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his jibberish tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Satan looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Jesus. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Jesus. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Satan walked over to the window and looked down. Jesus was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Jesus was struggling to make his way through fantastic pumpkin patch behind Satan's place. Jesus had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the jibberish. One by one they latched on to Jesus. Already weakened from his injury, Jesus yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his jibberish.
But then God came down with his intelligent smile and restored Jesus's jibberish. Feeling worried, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac and sputtered away with the fortitude of half a million spotted wolf hamsters running from a shrunken pack of South American hissing sloths. Jesus tripped balls when he saw this. His jibberish was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Stargate, was going to come on. Jesus was giddy. And so, everyone except Satan lived blissfully happy, forever after.
The end.
-------------------- Catalysts to say what has never been said, to see what has never been seen. To draw, paint, sing, sculpt, dance and act what has never before been done. To push the envelope of creativity and language. And whats really important is, I call it, the felt presence of direct experience. Which is a fancy term which just simply means we have to stop consuming our culture. We have to create culture. Don't watch TV, don't read magazines, don't even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time, where you are now, is the most immediate sector of your universe. And if you're worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, you are disempowered. You are giving it all away to icons. Icons which are maintained by an electronic media, so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion. And what is real is you and your friends, your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, and your fears. And we are told no. We're unimportant, we're peripheral, get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that, and then you're a player. You don't even want to play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world. Where is that at? -Terence
login or 
register to post messages and view our members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, encrypted messages, file attachments, board customizations, and much more!
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit 
Reply 
Quote 
