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 leery11
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Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,227
Last seen: 4 months, 20 days
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 Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. 
#5083807 - 12/19/05 11:23 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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not anymore though... but it's like, i've gone and messed things up.
it's better, i'm putting stuff back together, but that was pretty rough.
WHAT DO YOU do when there is NO COMFORT? There is just complete and total terror?
I was feeling so loving, so on top of the world, thinking about my childhood, writing manically in this notepad I found..... and then... I started thinking... society/politics its hell.
If you get caught into the war hysteria..... war hysteria will consume you and destroy you and all the propoganda will come true.... the world WILL end. But if you refuse to accept it, things will be just fine. It feels so relative to your perspective, that you really do have complete and total control.
You can be consumed by any number of things, the most important of which are love and fear. Society's way is "fear" (but this is BULLSHIT! society is full of love, it just depends on who you listen to, if you listen to the "times" to the president, etc, then the world may fall apart, but it doesn't have to)
and I don't know..... I was trying to figure religion out..... and then "head like a hole" came on and trent was screaming I'd rather DIE then give you control.
and I identified with it. It consumed me.... I fell into complete and total self destruction, and I heard this tapping. Tapping. Tapping.
I didn't know where it was coming from. I thought someone was tapping on my window.... or that someone was knocking on my door. And it scared the shit out of me!
I am terrified of other people! I went and hid in my room for a long time, like an hour or two trying to come to terms with things. I am terrified of people! There are "predators" out to completely destroy me, that suck my being out of me completely ...
if i succumb to fear.
But it's all relative. If you identify with people like Trent Reznor, and you share a negative world view. guess what your fucking world becomes negative!
We are in the process of creating the rest of our lives and therefore it is completely and totally important to do so in a positive light. To identify with love, nothing else. To be love, nothing else.
And I don't know. How do you.................... live.... when you're sober? I don't really feel like my life is in the right direction... the direction of love.
There are lots of "vampires" about, all the negative music I listen/listened to...... the media.... all this stuff that tricks me into thinking my world is ending.
But what do I do? I tried to call 2 people to get a hold of them while I was freaking, and it was good I didn't, because I would have just transmitted all this pain onto them.
But man.
I don't know. I cannot accept that it is possible that we could fall into a 1984. That there is so much suffering at the hands of "evil" men.... that the holocaust happened. That it could happen again. That there are people in hell on this very earth. That I somehow escaped all this suffering for so much time, but.... that it could still befall me.
Do I have a choice? The acid says yes absolutely you do........ its all relative to your perspective...... but then how did I get here and ..... I don't know. How do you explain other people? If they're real, why do they suffer more than you, and less than you?
Why do they die, and never get enlightened? Is my future an open book with me the author... do I really have control over how the ENTIRE WORLD shapes itself?
I want to just embrace universal love and radiate it to all others. But that fear destroyed me, ate a hole in my navel...... consumed me shook me ..... I had no comfort. I was in hell.
It's just a huge mess now. I don't know who I am, but I know what I want to be. That is love. Nothing more nothing else matters if you live your life in accordance with love. That must be what God is....
mustn't it?
I feel so disconnected from most people though.... I can only hope my crazy phone messages did not fuck shit up> I figure I just wait a while then act like things are normal and work on beaming love into these people that I was contacting... because just as I create my own future, I can drive them away from me if I ...... don't act "properly" ...
I dunno.
!!!!!
by acid also I mean LSA... and I cannot except that there are predators here who would destroy you for experiencing this.
I was about to throw my entire stash away and conform, accept that ..... people are out to get me unless I play by the rules.
and you should play by the rules, but then what do you do when they aren't right????????????
Stick fast to what brings you peace and love and discard all else. What you hold inside will destroy you. Jesus said the latter sentence according to some film I watched on the gnostic gosples, but I haven't been able to find any reference to this online.
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
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leery11
Stranger
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,227
Last seen: 4 months, 20 days
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 Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5083864 - 12/19/05 11:38 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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and on this tangent i feel
like i need a partner to go through this "transformation" with and i feel like my yoga teacher may be such a partner.
I know what to do. Just be open with her. In the mean time I simply wait. But I don't know. It's more complex than that with the self doubt and ........... I don't know. I just feel like being alone is just going to lead to a stagnant life where nothing of tremendous joy or creation happens.
I feel like I'ved lived this before this flowing connection to all moments and all thoughts are all possibilities. But why am I here then?
I think I really need to pursue dream yoga, I have a book coming tomorrow that will hopefully be of great use to me. But it seems like I'm just waiting for something. and this LSA gave me a glimpse of complete bliss, its tantalising me, i'm just barely scratching the surface.......................... and I want to go INTo the rabbit hole.
but then i freaked and it gave me a taste of what creating my own hell would be like too. Except there was no "hey dude you're just triping" I mean I KNEW i was just tripping but it was still hell and I couldn't stop it.
I want to trip harder and go .... back in time. to this sentimental lovey feeling and bathe in it and be transformed. But...... I can't. Taking more would be surely foolish. This is not the proper tripping environment and it seems I need to go it with other people.
Hmm.
What am I waiting for and what am I asking myself?
This nagging persisting feeling of unfathomable unity
that ties everything together yet is indescribable and just out of grasp.
perplexes me.
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
Edited by leery11 (12/19/05 11:42 PM)
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 STFU
lick me where sucklesworth pees
Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 5,897
Loc: Engulfed in Scarlet>Fi...
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5083990 - 12/20/05 12:29 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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IMO:
Life is Basic Training for Afterlife. It is supposed to suck; how you react to it sucking is the test that separates the wheat from the chaff. 
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That government is no more than a choice among evils, is acknowledged by the most intelligent among mankind, and has been a standing maxim for ages.
-Patrick Henry
TrippinTeddy said: Shit these pics are so fucking gay, photoshop may not be needed.
roby000 said: take her out to eat but just order for yourself, then when she starts to order look at her like shes crazy and call her fat.
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 22,981
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5084601 - 12/20/05 03:46 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds like you need to remove all negative influences from your life. People, objects, habits. If watching/hearing the news disturbs you, don't watch it. Why torture yourself like that? Live your life, be concerned with you. Yes, you should always be wary, but you can't take responsiblity for the world. Individual persons are often incredibly interesting. Try to see the "fascinating character," the "great living story" in every human being. Because it's there. Even the state of our world is written by us. Why? The cause is not in the governments and militaries. It's in a culture deprived and neglected of love. The only way to "fight" this sickness is by reaching out to every individual, helping them find their hero(ine) inside. If we're scared of people, our fellow human beings, then we become simply a casualty of the consciousness crises.
"Living with Love" starts by helping people. It's easier then you realize. Why be nasty to anyone when you can be polite and understanding? Why cut someone off in traffic when you could show patience and consideration? If you have free time on your hands, there are plenty of places that appreciate volunteers, like homeless shelters and nursury homes. The possiblities are endless in the things, ranging from incredibly minor to incredibly generous that you can do to help others. No kindness is too small a contribution.
And it comes from connecting to people. One thing I've noticed: people generally like to talk about what's going on in their life. If you listen, they'll give you knowledge about them so that you can form a connection. If you give them knowledge about you, that connection is two fold. If this connection is strengthened over time with more knowledge/positive experiences, a friendship may form. Assume everyone is a potential friend when you speak to them. Why not? Why not be friendly to everyone? Well, if you're friendly and show you care towards someone, you're showing love. I feel I show love to my customers at work (and the dogs) on a daily basis. Even when I'm frustrated, I try to remember that we are coming from different places of understanding, and uniting our two 'mental worlds' is best accomplished through patience, a form of love.
Quote:
How do you explain other people? If they're real, why do they suffer more than you, and less than you?
Why do they die, and never get enlightened? Is my future an open book with me the author... do I really have control over how the ENTIRE WORLD shapes itself?
Other people are just as "real" as you are. However, we are all different. They suffer more or less then you because they are coming from a difference "place" then you are. Think of other people as little seperate universe's walking around. Obviously what's going on in one universe is going to seem different or even completely alien to what's going on in yours. As for why people die and never get enlightened, some souls may just want to continue having experiences. They are not at the point where they wish to abandon the death/rebirth cycle. Or maybe they just don't want to. Who is to say what a souls true need/desire is?
As for your other questions, I would say just observe and think about it.
As for tripping again...I did it after my horrifying 5g shroom trip. I can say with certainty it was the most terrible, horrific, soul-deadening experience of my life. A true hell. I felt the fear for awhile afterwards. But the only way to truly manage your fear is to step into it. If you're ready for that, I mean. I lived to trip again, and I've done probably about two dozen trips since that time.
So start low when you trip again. Seriously, consider yourself a newbie after such a powerful experience and dose accordingly. You've been humbled. You now need to confront fear issues from your last trip, not cause new ones. And yes, it may be a difficult journey at times, that's sometimes how healing works.
***BUT I'd give yourself some time to integrate this most recent trip before you take the plunge again. You'll know when you're ready to go back.
Anyway, hope I helped. 
*me*
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leery11
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: MOTH]
#5085839 - 12/20/05 03:20 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
EllemyshShade said:
Sounds like you need to remove all negative influences from your life. People, objects, habits. If watching/hearing the news disturbs you, don't watch it. Why torture yourself like that? Live your life, be concerned with you. Yes, you should always be wary, but you can't take responsiblity for the world. Individual persons are often incredibly interesting. Try to see the "fascinating character," the "great living story" in every human being. Because it's there. Even the state of our world is written by us. Why? The cause is not in the governments and militaries. It's in a culture deprived and neglected of love. The only way to "fight" this sickness is by reaching out to every individual, helping them find their hero(ine) inside. If we're scared of people, our fellow human beings, then we become simply a casualty of the consciousness crises.
Thank you. I agree with this so fully but how can I have love for those that create such fear in me? The catch is I allow them to make me afraid by clinging to my destructive thoughts. But it's difficult! Difficult to look at the policeman with a gun and pepper spray and think "This is a great guy. He did this to help people. He's not my enemy." and yet isn't that just as true as "This is a horrible person. a Bully. He loves to abuse his power and destroys innocent lives."
Why not choose the positive one? Then even if its not true when I interact with him, I will nurture his positive side and subdue his negative side.
But it's hard. I think. I don't know. Time will tell. And yes I don't follow the news. But the reality of the world events of politics are still the same whether or not I pay attention. But I guess the bottom line is its out of my hands. It's just I believe in this damned notion of "freedom of choice" and "your voice matters" and I want this country to go in a better direction. I guess all I can do is impact people I know on the individual level and show them the light of freedom and love. The childlike wonder of a pure mind that doesn't feel like putting up with rules for how to behave. That would rather simply learn how to live on its own.
anyway I honestly didn't even go past level 1 or 2 again. I did 5 seeds in total, possibly 6. It was on the right track of what I wanted my trip to be, it felt very neat like my body was expanding like air.... walking around felt wonderful. There was surprisingly NO nausea this time! And I was just sitting writing about love and peace and childhood memories in my notepad..... I started this little picture that says "control" then that circle that says "prohibited" like you see with no smoking signs around it.
and i thought "yes, this is neat" and then I guess the music pushed me over the edge. I have a lot of mp3s I don't like anymore, one of which was POD's "Southtown" and I was like "fuck this guy is right.... life isn't supposed to be like this" then NIN's "Head like a whole came on" and I completely agreed with him that I'd rather DIE than give you control.
and I was submerged in fear. The problem is, that's just one perspective, whose to say that they ahve control over you? If you are loving enough and with an "open mind" to see past their illusions, you can have control over them! That song was from the perspective of someone who was completely surrending to the influences of others, yet somehow deluding himself into thinking that he was not going to let them win. So he'd rather die. Kill him self in the mental sense.
It sucks because I have NIN tickets and now I don't know if I want to go see them.
Anyway, after 2 or so hours the fear dissipated and I finally felt free to be a human, not afraid to even go watch TV in fear that the neighbors would hear me watching it and come mess with me because I'm tripping and I'm not supposed to be tripping.
And then I smoked some herb and had wonderful visuals. 2 dimensional but pretty tripped out.
I will definitely dose again. I have not even yet had a fully psychedelic experience. But I firmly was told through the fear that I need someone else to trip with me. But this someone has to be someone I am intimately close to. And I do not have someone like that. Except for this kind of schizo guy, whom I called and left a delirious message "I think I heard you knocking on my door.... umm.... I don't know..... but I'm here if you want to come over........ " but there's no way he'd trip, and no way I'd let him.... he trips naturally and has an extremely hard time dealing with it.
I really tried my best to give him some insight and we had a wonderful conversation. I truely felt connected to him.... I helped him figure out some of his dreams and told him that he had complete control over his reality through his dream/hallucination life, it's his to shape in either a very positive or very negative way. And I told him he'd make it through.
I just really want to find a lover. But I don't know if this desire is true or not. But I just really do. I want a lover on the same level as me, a psychonaut..... beautiful, compassionate, patient. Explorative. Alive. To do this with me. While I was tripping that is what I decided, that I needed someone.
But is it selfish to want a lover? A soulmate? Am I not ready? Is there a ready?
I don't know. I'll trip again..... it was just irresponsible for me to do it today. It started as a "lets clean house while high" notion then I was like "this is nice, lets do 5 seeds and trip" kind of thing.... it was not planned for in advance.
also the other big problem was that i was not letting the drugs do what they were supposed to, i was keeping my ego alive by writing and listening to tunes,when i should have just been lying on the floor rolling around feeling what the experience wanted me to feel, and then dancing or doing tai chi or just being one with my body instead of engaging the ego thoughts.
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
Edited by leery11 (12/20/05 03:24 PM)
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Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 4 years, 11 months
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5086211 - 12/20/05 04:59 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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NIN on acid, yikes!
What you need to remember is that ultimately the world is all within your mind. The difficult things are there so we can learn to step away from them and find peace in ourselves. I think it is funny how much emotion we put into thinking about the 'World' outside us, when it is insignificant to the one inside. Most people will take a reality created by words and imaginations of other people more seriously than the one in which they really exist.
Honestly, I don't think anyone will ever really change the world. I am almost tempted to think that the Vedante cosmology is correct, where the world is consumed by evil and destroyed at the end of every Aeon. But anyhow, you can only really change yourself. People don't want to listen, or to be preached to. They think they have 'strength' and 'character' because they are inflexible and closed-minded. You can't change that. People only change on their own, and you can only hope the world gets its shit together someday.
But realisticaly just work on yourself and don't worry about anyone or anything else, because this is your world you live in. You need not adopt somebody else's unwinnable battles, especially when they are illusions anyway. None of it effects you unless you let.
I can feel you on the need for a really good freind or lover to trip with. I haven't tripped in a long time, because I really wanted to do it with someone I was absolutely comfortable with. I have felt that it would be hard to have a bad trip if you had a caring and beautiful woman around. But hey, I suppose if I wait for the perfect situation I will be waiting forever.
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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
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leery11
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: Divided_Sky]
#5202247 - 01/20/06 12:10 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Divided_Sky said:
But hey, I suppose if I wait for the perfect situation I will be waiting forever.
absolutely :/ this is my circular dilemma
i don't know if I should bump this thread or not, but I guess I am. I am still trapped in all these cyclical thinkings of how desperately despaired society is..... everything I see is so plain and obvious that it's ALMOST black and white as to how fucked things are and how people are duped into states of ignorance through FEAR ..... how fucking evil television is.
But those who share my worldview are few and far between. I dunno. I am so obsorbed in an ineer world, battling inner demons (the police, the government, but at the heart of it all I'm just fighting MYSELF) and.... no wonder I'm paranoid.
You don't have to be afraid when you see a police car. Maybe the police are friendly people. Not all of them are. But if you adopt that as a sort of dogma, then you're more likely to avoid the corrupt ones and meet the cool ones. And it's not like they have this omniscient pervasive knowledge about you like out of 1984, you just look like some long haired eccentric person..... it doesn't mean you do drugs. Maybe you don't even look abnormal at all and you just think you do.
and even if do do drugs, do they really give a fuck? They have better things to worry about, unless you do something really conspicuous to warrant their attention (i.e. tons of traffic in and out of your place of residence coupled with indications that you may be growing or manufacturing something [which is not something i even have to worry about] you should be fine
but EVERYWHERE there are neon signs saying YOU ARE NOT FREE. but I'm the only one that can read the signs, because to everyone else the signs say RELAX, YOU'RE FREE, TAKE IT EASY. But it's a fucking trap. The freedoms are gone. On the library computers it says all information is considered public and availble to be accessed..... what is secure? How do I know that the people running my network aren't monitoring? What's with this opened email message that I have absolutely no recollection of reading? What do I make of everything?
I'm not free. But really I'm only not free if I am persecuted... its easy enough to slip through the cracks, isn't it? Millions of us do it. 70% of the nation has smoked pot.......
so it leads me to the ultimate question, do I really have control over my circumstances? I mean, if I adopt a sort of dogma that tells me that I will be free as long as I'm loving and respectful and somewhat careful, that I will slip through all the right cracks, and that the nation will make a turn for the better... then will it? Do I create my own reality with that much control, or am I largely just subject to random chaos?
it just seems that there has to be a point where you can "choose" to be free and from then on you are outside the "game" and don't have to worry.
Politics equaled hell for me on that trip because I have let them corrode into me a deep sense of paranoia, I constantly monitor all my actions and subsequently censor myself because I don't want to be persecuted. But lately I've been saying fuckit. I don't care if it looks like I'm a lunatic, deranged... eccentric, or on drugs, or a drug addict.
Who really gives a damn? I don't,a nd if I don't then how is it anyone elses business? the only peole I want to give a damn are people that care about me, fuck the predators (police, institutions, etc)
[note i am not an addict, i just smoke too much herb I guess]
hummm
then there's the issue of companionship which would have to wait for another post.
Sometimes I just want to conform though and follow the laws and be "normal" but I think to myself IT IS AN OUTRAGE WHAT SOCIETY IS DOING TO US, how can you accept it? then things will just decline further. If everyone were open about who they are on the inside, none of these injustices like slavery and the war on drugs and the war on gays would even exist. You have to be a beacon of light in a sea of darkness... but its scary. I don't have the tools necessary to do it.
Because I have not freed myself from myself, from my own destructive thoughts...... so how do I free others?
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
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barfightlard
tales of theinexpressible
Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 8,670
Loc: Canoodia
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5202510 - 01/20/06 01:56 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Seeing through the bullshit is life changing, and can be a scary experience. I don't know what to tell ya man, bah bah?
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"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks
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krishnamurti
Stranger
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 382
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: barfightlard]
#5204751 - 01/21/06 12:43 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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maybe societies problems has to do with the delusion people are under that their mind is some outside force that they have no control over..?
if you want to see freedom in the world around you, first free yourself on the inside. you are not separate from your perception my friend. if you waste your mind questioning if your thoughts meet some sort of approval, then that will be your life.
LOSE THE FEAR AND FLOAT YOUR MIND 
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I'll see you down in Guantanamo Bay
Donate spores to FSRC or suffer the consequences!*
Wikipedia
Overgrow has been shut down  check out www.icmag.com if you need MJ info
*consequences may or may not be suffered
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leery11
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Registered: 06/25/05
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: krishnamurti]
#5206259 - 01/21/06 02:15 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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"if you want to see freedom in the world around you, first free yourself on the inside. "
"LOSE THE FEAR AND FLOAT YOUR MIND"
in other words. LEARN TO SWIM.
I took one HBWR seed today to try and balance out this depression that has been bothering me the past 2 weeks, it really has seemed to help.
But you know, I shouldn't have to take an HBWR seed to feel balanced. I guess that's all in good time.
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
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krishnamurti
Stranger
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 382
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5207314 - 01/21/06 07:28 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
leery11 said:
"if you want to see freedom in the world around you, first free yourself on the inside. "
"LOSE THE FEAR AND FLOAT YOUR MIND"
in other words. LEARN TO SWIM.
no.. my tool references stop after the one in my sig 
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I'll see you down in Guantanamo Bay
Donate spores to FSRC or suffer the consequences!*
Wikipedia
Overgrow has been shut down check out www.icmag.com if you need MJ info
*consequences may or may not be suffered
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Jackattack
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Registered: 01/17/06
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: leery11]
#5207442 - 01/21/06 08:30 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
leery11 said:
"if you want to see freedom in the world around you, first free yourself on the inside. "
"LOSE THE FEAR AND FLOAT YOUR MIND"
in other words. LEARN TO SWIM.
I took one HBWR seed today to try and balance out this depression that has been bothering me the past 2 weeks, it really has seemed to help.
But you know, I shouldn't have to take an HBWR seed to feel balanced. I guess that's all in good time.
What do you mean? depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and if taking HWBW seeds helps you then that is AWESOME! and there is NOTHING WRONG with that.
Edited by Jackattack (01/21/06 08:32 PM)
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leery11
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Re: Just freaked out on acid ---- identity crisis --- humm. [Re: Jackattack]
#5214293 - 01/23/06 05:06 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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depression is not a chemical imbalance in your brain.
depression is a large number of things including chemical imbalances...... but you cannot pinpoint any one thing as the cause.
example being, someone could go through a really bad thing that changes their personality to become more depressed, and THEN a chemical imbalance starts to happen, because afterall happy is just a chemical reaction.
that does not mean that the chemical imbalance is the problem. Our brains are very plastic.
in my case though, given the discontinuation of 5-htp it may be chemical, but it's very much psychological as well.
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Om bhur bhuvaha swaha tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi, dhiyo yonah prachodyat.
We meditate upon that supreme light , the source of all creation, may it illumine our intellects and bring us eternal life.
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