|
 
Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! Please  login or  register to post messages and view our members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, encrypted messages, file attachments, board customizations, and much more!
|
 MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
 Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Dreamer987]
#5057583 - 12/13/05 01:37 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
No, shes in (was in) New York, but we didn't see her when we were there.
Here is the entire Petsmart story and why I am finding it so difficult to go in and quit.
Okay well, a few months ago (before I started at Petsmart) I was a hermit for about three years. I saw a few people other then my husband occasionally, but I couldn't ever bring myself to hang out with them on a consistant basis. You see, I've never been able to hold a steady job, but because my husband really wanted to go back to college, I decided it was imperative I LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH working. (for our FAMILY of course) So for months, I tiptoed around the job market, getting a job, working a day, and then quitting again.
I didn't know what to do actually...I was kinda lost at this point as well. I couldn't seem to hold a job, which other people seemed to do so easily.
Then came the gathering. One night, I took a lot of shrooms, eleven grams over the course of 12 hours. I just kept redosing, since there was always something going on at the gathering, some new adventure to be had. And plus I figured, "WEll, how often am I in Ohio at a gathering?" I tripped balls, but it was the most beautiful, amazing time tripping balls ever. During this experience, I was wandering around the campsite with my new Shroomerite friends and came across (or rather it came right to me) a dog.
That dog probably changed my life. I looked into it's eyes and saw GOD there...it was a very everlasting moment for me, a very special moment.
I'll spare the soppy details...
But needless to say, looking into that dogs eyes while tripping was one of the coolest thing to ever happen to me.
Fast forward. Gathering is over, I'm back home. I realize that I really need to get a job so that Kevin can go back to college. I start reflecting about my experiences at the gathering, and remember the dog, how it felt like GOD was sending me messages through that dog.
So I go and apply to Petsmart, confident that I would get the job (after all, GOD pretty much told me I would). At the interview video, this confidence was strengthened when I saw a Great Dane in the video. As soon as I saw the Great Dane I knew that THIS was the place I had to work. It was like GOD was influencing every move I made at this point.
I get a job as a bather. No surprise to me, and I found out, to my delight, that I LOVED IT.
Four months go by, and my love for the job and ambition to become a groomer (which would be great to have a transportable skill like that around) only solidified. Everyone at my job LOVED me because when I was there I was completely "on the ball." I worked my ass off, everyday, and was always on time. I was Ms. Dependable. I had regular full time hours and was making about $250 dollars a week, occasionally more. Not A LOT of money, but pretty decent. What made it bearable is that I loved my job. I saw GOD in each little doggie face.
Fast forward again. I've spoken about this extensively on the Shroomery. But here is my incident report again, the INCIDENT THAT CHANGED everything for me, (I think).
*
Rt.10/21/2005
Incident Report
The exact time the incident occurred is hard to recall, but I believe it happened between 5pm and 5:30pm. Issac and I were alone in the salon and I was assisting him finish up dogs. One of the dogs in question, a shih tzu named Rascal, did not enjoy the grooming process at all. The owner had said at check in that the Round Rock Petsmart could no longer groom Rascal because he bites. I checked at Round Rock to see what type of file they had on Rascal, and they said they had NO file listed for the dog at all. Definitely odd, but maybe the owner had misspoken. Also, Rascal came in with another, more friendly dog, named Mookie. I dried Mookie while Issac started on Rascal. Soon I was finished with Mookie and put him in the kennel and went to assist Issac.
Rascal bit Issac once but didn?t break the skin and snapped at me once and missed. (I had tried to stroke the dog and he didn?t want my hands on him) The first time the dog bit Issac he choked the dog a little and held it by its throat but soon stopped once the dog acted submissive. Issac muzzled the dog and continued grooming the body.
Rascal appeared to have settled down for the grooming. Issac finished shaving the body and started on the head. He took the muzzle off and at first the dog appeared calm. Then, out of nowhere, he snapped at Issac?s thumb and chomped on it.
The dog?s bite was over in an instant. What happened next left me horrified and sickened. I saw blood on his finger. I said, "Let me see your finger," and I saw three small puncture wounds welling blood on his thumb. His hands were shaking. The next thing I know, he is gripping the dog by the throat and punching it in the head, several times, I can't remember how many. Then he takes the dog in the back, and I follow, trying to get Issac to put the dog in its kennel. By this time he is squeezing the dogs throat so tight that the dogs eyes are bulging out like they are about to burst.
I see him take the dog next to the kennel. Holding the dog by the throat, he bashes the dog?s head and body against the metal bars of the kennel, several times, hard. I yell, "put the dog in its kennel," but Issac does not even seem to hear me. He throws the dog on the ground, and then goes over to solidly kick the dog twice against the wall.
Then, he picks the dog up by the neck again. At this point I am aghast and lost...I want to go get a manager but I am afraid that he will kill the dog. I tell him to leave the dog alone and to please put it in its kennel. I reach out and lightly grab his arm, telling him, "put the dog away and let me see your hand, let me see where he bit you." He does not even seem to be listening to anything I am telling him. The dog?s spine seems to be twisting in an unnatural way.
After a few more punches in the head, he takes the dog by the throat into the bathing area and throws the dog onto the drying table. I am horrified, about to cry, terrified. I am afraid to speak because I fear being attacked next. I am scared. The dog can barely stand, it slumps and lurches on the table, and I fear for an instant one of its legs is broken. Then I suspect it has a concussion, because it is waving its head around unsteadily, like it is drunk. At this point I am sure that the dog has something seriously wrong with him. I say, "That dog doesn't look good. We need to get a vet now."
Issac then says, "No...he'll come out of it. I've seen this before." He also proceeded to tell me that he ?knows? where to hit a dog in the head so that it doesn?t get a concussion.
I say, "I'm going to get first aid," (thinking I will find Kelly the manager too) and Issac says, "And get the manager."
Before I leave, he specifically asks me, "Don't tell them what I did, okay?" He tells me not to tell Kelly or Jon (a co-worker) because ?he needs his job too.?
And still rattled, I say, "okay."
I go up to the front office to Kelly the manager and tell her, "Issac got bit.? She says, "#@!$*!!" and immediately begins trying to find an incident form. I also say, "And Kelly, I need to talk to you later." She says, "Talk to me now." And I respond, "I can't, if I do I might cry."
The next time I saw her, she was on the phone, trying to report the incident. Next, I saw Issac come into the office to show her the wound (I assume). I gave him the first aid and go back into the groom salon to check on the dog. Now in its kennel, the dog is just weaving back and forth with bulged eyes looking at me. But it seems to be recovering, thank God. I just hoped there weren?t more severe injuries I couldn?t see.
The next is sort of a blur. Issac came back to the salon and we talked about the bite and the fact that he may be unable to groom for the weekend, among other things. I try to be as helpful and friendly to him as possible so that he doesn?t suspect that I am indeed going to report him. I start my cleaning routine and he helps. After we close up shop we both head up front to talk to Kelly.
Soon it becomes apparent that Issac and Kelly are at odds. She wants him to fill out an incident report NOW, but he doesn?t want to for some reason. (Because he was bitten and can?t write?) He also says that he won?t be coming in this weekend since he can?t groom. A verbal confrontation ensues with Kelly asking me to help him write his report. I don?t mind doing so but halfway through Issac snatches it away and goes home, saying he will write it there.
Later, after I know he is gone, I find Kelly in receiving and proceed to tell her everything. She says that I need to do a report and I agree.
I believe the police should be called for the severity of the abuse I witnessed and that we should inform the owners. I worry that a dog that suffered that type of treatment will take it home to his family and possibly cause serious harm to someone there. I also fear that the dog may have more traumatic injuries that were not apparent due to the beating.
In closing, I am reluctant to add that I am afraid of Issac and what he will do once he discovers I have reported him. I saw the way he went after that dog and it was like he didn?t even realize what he was doing. I am scared he might come after me in the same way. He takes his grooming very seriously and I believe he will seek some sort of retaliation against me for bringing this to management when he specifically asked me not to.
Any protection or shielding Petsmart can give me in submitting this report would be appreciated since I now fear Issac using physical harm to retaliate.
Sincerely,
Michelle Rxxxx
*
*
Okay, after I reported this incident, the manager all appeared to be on my side. They told me, "Oh, don't worry about him, he'll get fired." I specifically told that I didn't want to work with him ever again, but I guess they didn't believe me because sure enough, when Monday rolled around they hadn't done anything and I was scheduled with him.
This is when I had my first real anxiety attack about work. They expected me to work with this guy!?? What?? After they said they would "take care of it" nothing is done and they STILL expect me to go into work making $7 an hour working with this guy? I thought about the dogs too, but to be honest my thoughts were completely selfish. All I could think about was how everyone would hate me if I got him fired, all I could think about how he might come and seek retribution and try and kick my ass next. And most of all, I had the feeling that he had ruined something for me. Something that had mattered a lot to me. He had tainted it.
I put my foot down with my manager, refusing to work with him. My manager, sooo supportive in the beginning, started being a total bitch, telling me that I should just "suck it up" and that they're "waiting on a response from corporate." They cut my hours dramatically and soon I was working only on days that he didn't work.
To be honest, it hurt incredibly bad to have my managers act like I was being a big baby about the entire thing. They acted like they just wanted me to "forget" that it happened, but how could I? I still see that scene replaying in my head, even now. My managers said that the reason why they can't do anything to him is because there were no witnesses and it's his word against mine.
Keep in mind that in my employee handbook it states ADAMENTLY that Petsmart does not tolerate any mistreatment of animals.
I realized with a shock that the wonderful, animal-compassionate company I thought I had been working for was LYING.
Suddenly, work didn't seem so fun. I felt like I was feeding the belly of a monster by giving them my labor. I started to feel "trapped into it."
At this point however, the main thing I was concerned with was making money and keeping my job for Kevin. Everyone in our family kept saying how "proud of me" they were that I found something I could do and enjoy. I would smile and nod, but deep inside every compliment they gave me about my job was like a punch. You see, Kevin's rich grandparents are paying for our duplex right now while he attends college. It's important I work so that it looks like I"m doing something right...so that they can "be proud of me."
Anyway, my primary concern just after the INCIDENT was to make money without having to work with Issac. It was decided I would work two salons, going back and forth between each.
So there I did it. I found that I liked the new salon a lot better, it was more organized and people seemed to know what was going on. The people there were all wonderful. However, every morning, I'd feel this sense of dread that just grew and grew. Every passing day, it seemed worse, until I'd have panic attacks in which I am hardly aware of myself. Every morning I would go into the shower, sobbing, shaking and a total mess, grab my scalpel and cut myself to try and calm down. Kevin obviously hates it when I do this, but it didn't matter...I NEEDED TO GET CONTROL OF MYSELF.
Funny thing about self-injury is that although it offers temporary relief it does not solve problems. A few times I went into work just balling my eyes out, and my co-workers would be all like, "What's wrong?" and I'd make up a lie, anything to conceal the fact that I was terrified of going into work. Once I started bathing dogs, I was fine, I just focused on that for a few hours. But the act of getting up for work every morning and actually GETTING THERE was hellish, over and over again.
Anyway, my pot use was incredibly high during this time. It was the only way I'd be able to "con" myself going into work. Getting high helped a lot with anxiety at first, but then it started having the opposite effect. I stopped getting high before work hoping it would help matters. It didn't. If anything, my panic attacks got worse, even more unrestrained and dangerous.
At one point, I told my manager Samantha that I needed less hours. I said, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not handling work very well right now. Please give me less hours." She said she would, but that I would have to wait until after Christmas. The three weeks before Christmas, she had me working more then ever. She seemed like she depended on me so much that with a sinking heart I smiled, and said, "Okay, I'll work my hours."
I guess I knew then it was a falsehood. But I just couldn't let her down.
Driving to work when I am in that kind of mental state is horrible. I don't know how many times I was at the instant, the edge, of plowing that car into another car, or a telephone pole. Anything so that I didn't have to go into work. My suicidal thoughts got even worse, until they no longer seemed like thoughts, but actual plans. I started feeling nothing, just the desire to ESCAPE. I felt all alone in this, like I HAD TO GO INTO WORK even through my terrible anxiety. I felt like EVERYONE (and I mean EVERYONE) was depending on ME. I thought my husband and my future together DEPENDED (and I mean TOTALLY DEPENDED) on my ability to go into work and make money.
Suddenly, my job had become SO UNBELIEVINGLY important. Everyone was depending on me to make this work. I couldn't fail. Couldn't.
However...the stress I put on myself didn't help. Things just got worse and worse, until my panic attacks got so debilitating I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to hide behind the toilet while clutching a bottle of sleeping pills I intended on taking. Kevin knows better then to leave me alone when I'm like that so he shortly found me (we have three bathrooms) and took them away. That's when he said, "Is working at Petsmart worth all this, honey?"
The problem was, in my head I kept having this thought that I HAD TO NO MATTER WHAT work there. That it was PARAMOUNT to become a groomer, the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER.
But that is a lie I was telling myself. There is only one thing in my life worth the title of MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER and that is my book. Since I've been working (and probably also because I've been high a lot) my book has been neglected. This kills me. I only wanted to do the Petsmart thing as a "hobby" to support hubby and I while my book is completed, and instead my job ended up taking over my life. Even if I wasn't stoned, I'd come home from work and all I'd be able to think of is work, work work. Worrying about it, exhausted from it, day after day.
Until I guess something inside of me put the breaks on. I was making plans to hang myself on the rafters just outside our front door and I caught myself...I didn't even realize I was thinking this. I realized that "WOW, something must be incredibly wrong with me," and that's when I decided to write this entire thread.
So.
Here I am. I have work in forty minutes and I'm not going in. And ever since I've made that decision I haven't had a bit of anxiety. I know I'm letting them all down. But I guess the alternative is letting myself down by hanging myself. Kevin says that he thinks I need to focus on what's important in life (personal happiness), "NOT MONEY." I guess he's right and it's pretty much the same as what you people have been telling me. So I'm quitting Petsmart. I'm just not going in. I'd call them to let them know, but I'm too nervous to do that. So I'm being a chicken.
I'm probably going to apply at Petco part time. Except I have been sooo disillusioned about corporations and our society. I really do feel that our society is just a bunch of capitalistic-driven scum. Petsmart said that animal safety was their first priority, but their actions dictated otherwise. I want to say that I ***hate**** Issac for ruining Petsmart for me. I loved it there so much, I was so optimistic, and now it's pretty much all ruined. And what is more depressing is that Petco will probably be the same.
I have been thinking about looking into writing jobs. But I don't know where to start so I'll probably just fumble around and hope I find one.
Anyway....there's my tale of Petsmart.
I'm having a few second thoughts now about not going in. Because "they need me." But they wouldn't understand if I told them about my anxiety and panic attacks. I know they wouldn't...they can all get up and go into work every morning without resorting to a blade and sleeping pills.
So here I am. About to be jobless again. I'm trying not to think of the Petsmart thing as a "failure" but it's hard not to see it like that.
At the same time, I'm just so fucking tired of caring. I have a "Fuck Them" thought going around in my head. I just need some time to chill out and relax. I need a chance to catch my breath. Am I just making excuses for myself so that I don't have to go in? Maybe.
But like I said, I'm just so worn out from caring.
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
|
Quote:
psilocyberin said:
See yourself, from outside of yourself, try to take on a strangers viewpoint of you and you will see how ridiculous you are being, how selfish, and self-absorbent.
WEll, you're too late, I already know I'm one really self-absorbed bitch. I already know that I'm selfish.
I know these things. Here is how I look at it: Why shouldn't I be selfish. It's my life. Why shouldn't I be self-absorbed...who am I but MYSELF? 
Anyway, I figured I'd get reponse like yours because this is the SHroomery where people are honest with you.
I already know I'm selfish and evil. I'm not sure how to fix this though, since I can only ever be mySelf.
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
|
Quote:
psilocyberin said:
Think about book
You're right actually...I think I'm just going to become obsessed with my book until it's done.
|
Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,648
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5057752 - 12/13/05 02:05 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
NO, I strongly disagree. If anything, you are not being selfish ENOUGH, dear one!!
It sounds to me like you've been trying to push yourself into being "fine" for everyone else's sake, instead of allowing yourself to be in charge of your life.
I say BE selfish, be self-absorbed, be self-centered. Should you be "otherish," or absorbed by and centered in other people's expectations? Where has that gotten you so far, baby? 
This is absolutely YOUR life, to live or to take. From what you've shown of yourself here, I believe you have the potential to create a life experience full of wonder and joy. You also have the potential to create an experience of depression and pain. You are the creator, though, not anyone or anything outside of you.
Your experience at Petsmart sounds very traumatic, and it seems that you've tried to downsize it in order to fit in with the reactions of the cold-hearted robots who run the place. Fuck that. React as big as you need to. That was a truly outrageous act of animal abuse, and the people who are putting themselves forward as animal lovers are condoning it by not taking action to remove an abusive person from their employ, much less pressing charges against him for his actions.
You may want to do a little research into Post-traumatic stress disorder. Here's a site to start at:
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/general/fs_what_is_ptsd.html
Perhaps what Psilocyberin, in his own way, meant to say is that you can turn this around & enjoy your life again. There is much of beauty and delight in this world, and your heart is open to pleasure as much as it is open to pain. Be well, dear one. 
--------------------
there is a lot to discover about one's self, consciousness, and the inebriated states of mind without attempting to mystify what is really happening.
~~~~redgreenvines
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Veritas]
#5057860 - 12/13/05 02:26 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
Well, tough love tends to crush me at first (I did cry after Psilocyberin's post) but then I realize there is a reason he posted what he did.
I've decided to make an effort at being a positive force again. I have to say that I am feeling more and more confident about my decision to leave Petsmart. (simply because for the first time in MONTHS I don't feel a fatalistic sense of doom hanging over me...which makes me feel like I made the right decision.)
I'll find something else, maybe that I love even more. A lot of posts in here made sense, like the one asking me what WOULD make me happy. It's true that I need to go inside first and foremost and try and get to know my dark side rather then fleeing from it. Well, I'm going to focus on writing my book and in the meantime try to find somewhere to work low-key that won't stress me out.
I still feel a little uncertain about things. But I'm not going to think about the uncertainty. I need to focus more on DOING. (rather then thinking)
I really appeciate all the replies, though, even the tough love ones. I was feeling the lowest I've felt in awhile when I posted, and now I am feeling the first sincere optimisim I've felt in awhile. Hopefully I can keep it going. 
|
 YawningAnus
Got the GayDHD
Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 10,220
Last seen: 2 days, 14 hours
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Veritas]
#5057887 - 12/13/05 02:31 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
whenever i talk about self-absorbed ideology, i dont mean focus on other people, or meeting other peoples expectations. What i mean, is just BE YOU, and dont analyze it. Ever herd of the saying "ask yourself if you are happy and you will cease to be so"?
What good can come about by constantly thinking about how miserable you are? You are not special, you are not different (im speaking to everyone). Self awareness and self-absorption are two completely different things. When you are self aware, you are aware of everything in an expanding sphere around you. When you are self-absorbed, you are worried about the reverse, everyone elses awareness regarding you, and you start to obsess about other peoples perceptions of YOU and begin to think that you are the center of the world.
Self-absorption also is highly problematic, because you belive that your reality IS the real one, and you analyze all these other peoples supposed analyzation of you from your own logic/perspective.
Much like when a guy says something completely harmless like "I like that color on you" and the woman says/thinks "I knew he thought i looked fat in that brown shirt i wore the other day".
I have never (honestly, never) met anyone who was "depressed" , self-loathing, self-pity or "Bi-polar", who wasnt self-absorbed.
L. Ron Hubbard has a very good quote IMO (and this isnt a place to start the scieno-bashing) ... "Strive to be interested, not interesting.... interested is interesting".
ever notice the best conversations you have are when you talk about something other than "IIIIIIIII" and "memememememe"?
--------------------
Image from: The Cremaster Cycle, by Matthew Barney
icelander: I remember this big yellow firey ball up in the sky. It was scary because it disappeared all the time and we had to dance naked and fuck all the women to bring it back.
YawningAnus: Those were the days
"if there's no such thing as evil, then what are evil spirits then? and don't turn this into a debate on the existence of evil spirits, let's just assume they exist for this argument. "
-Porcupine
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
|
Quote:
psilocyberin said:
whenever i talk about self-absorbed ideology, i dont mean focus on other people, or meeting other peoples expectations. What i mean, is just BE YOU, and dont analyze it. Ever herd of the saying "ask yourself if you are happy and you will cease to be so"?
So true...although I've never heard that saying before. I will remember it now.
|
Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 24,231
Loc: underbelly
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5058955 - 12/13/05 06:20 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
I think you need to take a nice big dose alone. But I always think that. But when your at the bottom (if you really are) you have nothing to lose. It's the perfect time. Talking won't,don't, can't do it. 
--------------------
What the thinker thinks, the prover proves. R.A.W.
I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions. R.A.W.
“I contend we are both atheists, I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” ~Stephen Roberts
|
Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,648
|
|
That's what I hoped you were trying to say in your first post.
--------------------
there is a lot to discover about one's self, consciousness, and the inebriated states of mind without attempting to mystify what is really happening.
~~~~redgreenvines
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Icelander]
#5059008 - 12/13/05 06:28 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Icelander said:
I think you need to take a nice big dose alone. But I always think that. But when your at the bottom (if you really are) you have nothing to lose. It's the perfect time. Talking won't,don't, can't do it.
hehe, you DO always think that. 
I intend on doing just that once I get some mushrooms here in a few weeks. The reason why mushrooms have helped me in the past is BECAUSE they help me look "outside of myself," so to speak, so that I can actually 'see' the things I need to change. Haven't had a trip in so long so my ego has gotten cocky. It needs a psilocybin bitch slap for sure. 
|
Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 7 months, 6 days
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5059053 - 12/13/05 06:39 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
A psyilocybin bitch slap, or a big MDMA hug.
--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
|
Quote:
Divided_Sky said:
A psyilocybin bitch slap, or a big MDMA hug.
If I could only find some MDMA I knew was really MDMA...I'd take that hug.
|
ZoooftheMoon
Lock Shaman
Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 4,367
Loc: Ice patches that last for...
Last seen: 31 minutes, 14 seconds
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5059381 - 12/13/05 07:57 PM (3 years, 27 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
nothing is making sense, nobody cares for me
You are such a kind person ellemy but it bugs me when I hear, more than once, about how nobody cares.
Now, I know these are natural feelings in the state of mind you are in lately...but being very honest and frank, if I was your husband that would upset me greatly. The fact is, being your husband, he probably doesn't have to even read/hear it to know that's how you are feeling. Imagine him knowng you feel this way and think this way all the time(lately anyho).
I'm honestly not trying to be mean. I really don't know what to say ellemy that would help. I can say, I have been in the exact thinking patterns and living conditions you have...I've been there. I know what you are feeling and how you are percieving this reply even
I'm going to try my best and help. My suggestions are to UNMEDICATE. No more pot, no more mushrooms, no more anything. Being the type of mind you are, being brought into all these alternate realities and thought patterns can become overwhelming. It seems you personally NEED that grip on so called "normal" reality. And for that, I think you might have to cut out any and all substances out of your diet...no matter how much you think they may help.
You are a good addition to humanity and you'd only be hurting other people by killing yourself. And I know you don't want to do that. I know there would be many upset people on the shroomery alone...and i know that's what you probably need(and subconsciously want) to hear.
There's not much I can say other than, keep loving the ones that love you and that stick by your side...for example, your husband.
Keep plugging away and eventually you'll find your place. You are young with MUCH to live for, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. In 20 years you are going to look back and think, "wow, I'm soo glad I toughed it out".
This world is cruel and very unbalanced...everyone's emotions are running crazy. The collective consciousness is in crisis and people like you feel those nasty vibrations a lot more intensely than others(and others feel it much more intensely than you do...think about that).
I've babbled, but just know...I've been through a lot of shit, I know how hopeless it is. Just hold on to love and keep plugging away and it will eventually get better. My best to you.
edit: I just want to make it clear that I read your post and replied immediately. I just skimmed through some of the replies and people had some good things to say 
Edited by entityexperiment (12/13/05 08:02 PM)
|
MOTH
Psychosensitive
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,793
|
|
Quote:
entityexperiment said:
Quote:
nothing is making sense, nobody cares for me
You are such a kind person ellemy but it bugs me when I hear, more than once, about how nobody cares.
Now, I know these are natural feelings in the state of mind you are in lately...but being very honest and frank, if I was your husband that would upset me greatly.
WEll, I am feeling much better today, but I see what you mean...
I KNOW my husband cares and that it hurts him bad when I feel this way. In fact, knowing that tends to make the feeling worse. I love him so much, and he shows his love to me through everything. He's been an inspiration to me year after year. Though when I become selfishly embroiled in my own depression, I become like a black hole.
And black holes as you know can absorb up to 3 or more earth sized chucks of matter an hour.
Nothing's ever enough for a black hole. It's the same thing for me, when I'm sad. I suck it all in, every bit of love, every bit of affection like a psychic vampire, but it's never enough, because I've become a black hole and black holes are ever hungry for more.
FORTUNATELY you can flip the black holes of the human heart inside out, so that they're pushing outwards, instead of pulling inwards. I've reversed my black hole so hopefully now it's developing into a burst of light.
The problem for me, is *maintaining* this burst of light. I (as some people in this thread have aptly noted) go through a black hole every few months or so. And then the same thing happens again, I manage to burst outwards into light before I putter inwards into a black hole again.
The trick for me is to MAINTAIN. After the initial burst of light is finished, am I just going to fade out again? Or will my burst of light become a ray, less intense, but with more staying power?
I'm shooting for the ray.
I honestly don't think tripping had any play on my emotions during this recent black hole. Pot I can see, shrooms no. I haven't tripped on anything in six months. I am HAPPIEST when I'm exploring different realities while sober or on drugs. I've always been the imaginative sort even as a little girl...I thrive on the unusual and the bizarre. What brings me down is when that aspect of reality is absent from my life. (like when I'm not writing...hope to fix that)
But I will take caution in my experimentations with drugs, don't worry. I have a silly head. 
|
ZoooftheMoon
Lock Shaman
Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 4,367
Loc: Ice patches that last for...
Last seen: 31 minutes, 14 seconds
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5061124 - 12/14/05 06:58 AM (3 years, 26 days ago) |
|
|
I do understand your concept of "maintaining". Of course, this is something only you can achieve. I know it sounds a lot easier said than done but FORCE yourself to maintain.
I also understand your view on tripping and whatnot. I am very much the same in that aspect...yet, I still get this feeling in a lot of your posts that you have this need to feel grounded down to "normal" reality at the same time.
Quote:
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just go into work ,work, and then come home like a normal human being
Normal is the most useless word I've ever heard. It should not exist in the human language.
I really don't want to tell you to stop using mushrooms though. Being similiar to you in many ways, they do help me. But I'd suggest keeping it at twice a year only. I do think cutting pot out of your diet all together for AT LEAST a year would do more good than harm(which I think you may agree?).
Either way ellemy, just know people DO care and people do love . I'm sure you have many people that have offered to be there for you if you need to talk...so add another to the list.
edit: By the way, I'm sort of having a relapse, if you will, of my own. Things are getting pretty negative on this side. I've talked about stopping a 5 year, everyday, pot habit and I've never made it more than a dozen days. I'm totally willing to try and stop for a LONG time...are you going to be my quit pot smoking buddy?
|
Penguarky Tunguin
Allspace in a Notshall
Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 11,585
|
Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5062447 - 12/14/05 01:12 PM (3 years, 26 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
I honestly don't think tripping had any play on my emotions during this recent black hole. Pot I can see, shrooms no. I haven't tripped on anything in six months. I am HAPPIEST when I'm exploring different realities while sober or on drugs. I've always been the imaginative sort even as a little girl...I thrive on the unusual and the bizarre.
Kill yourself and you won't be able to experience anymore of this. Think about that.
Everyone's posts have been excellent, so much in fact that I have nothing really to say other than you need to recapture that awe that is life. You need to experience and NEVER FORGET what its like to live in awe of nature. It seems to me like you didn't forget about the moment with the dog, but you forgot the awe of the moment, the part when you saw god, especially. If you need mushrooms to experience that awe again, then for fuck's sake, do them soon.
This time remember that moment when you saw god in the dog's eyes and REMEMBER that moment next time you get into one of your blackholes. Be here, by now and be grateful.
One of my most insightful, most meaningful, most awe-inspiring moment was almost a year ago. New Year's eve, alone, 6 grams of homegrown mushies, with Tool's Lateralus album. Some of the most beautiful lyrics ever are on that album.
I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.
Food for thought.
McKennaDMT
--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
"But the world, mind, is, was and will be writing its own wrunes for ever, man, on all matters that fall under the ban of infrarational senses..."
| |
|
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit 
Reply 
Quote 
