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 Wiccan_Seeker
INFJcounselor-idealist
 
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 16,858
Loc: Virgo Supercluster (or b...
Last seen: 6 hours, 30 minutes
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 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM
#1689557 - 07/06/03 03:49 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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A few days ago on 18:24 of July 4 2003 my mom has passed away. She died by euthanasia which was the inevitable result of a cancer operation gone sour.
I have not posted this at Support Central, but want to share it with our community nontheless, if only to aid my own grieving process and to inform those Shroomerites close to me.
My mom had to undergo a second cancer operation last monday in which her whole colon had to be removed due to multiple carcinoma. She recovered with alot of pain which seemed to subside.
I "knew" from the day she got word of the surgery she was not going to make it, so I made sure that after every hospital visit I felt the things that should be said were said.
She was doing better and better and I regained confidence that perhaps my premonitions had been wrong.
Last thursday she entered a state of delirium. Because I know the nature of both Delirium and Opiates I knew it wasn't caused by the morphine she recieved, told the nurses got talked to but basically ignored. I had to leave her (visiting hours...) and went.
That night when I went to bed I saw the most beautiful delirioid abstract imagery I've ever seen and felt (...)
I woke up at 09:00 with a horrible nightmare: that a festivity my mom and I would attend together would be impossible (...)
Friday morning at about 08:30 her breathing ceased and her bloodpressure collapsed. She was transferred to the ICU (nextdoor to the one I got hospitalised for my heart infarction half a year ago) I got called at 09:10, made some emergency calls and rushed to the hospital.
The sufering of my mother had mounted such that they had to keep her narcotised with Dormicum (Midazolam, an IV anaesthetic Benzo). Every once in a while there were some signs of consciousness and in these moments I said my goodbyes to her and urged her to keep up the fight for all her might. I saw some emotion which assured me I had managed to reach her.
She vomited black bile, got the red-purple spots on the lower part of her body I immediately recognised as "death spots", severe vascular lesions that happen to some shortly before death. The nurses were yapping hemmoraging etc. but I knew what they were and the surgeon confirmed this later on.
She got prepped for emergency surgery and rushed to the OR and while the family poured in she got operated opon in a desperate attempt to save her life. This proved unsuccessful.
The surgeon decided to keep her un-stitched in case she regained function enough in order to be operated upon further (however they do that, don't want to know)this was not to be.
She was kept unconscious with large amounts of Dormicum and Morphine, she had 15 IV drips hanging from her body and was on artificial respiration.
Finally their attemptes started to become harmful, they fought to keep a dying body going and this went beyond the point of no return.
We had to decide to give her a final chance. Her medicines were tapered off and the drugs upped to keep her from the undoubtably hellish and inhumane pains of a half-dead body. The increased oxygen was tapered until she finally (artificially) breathed normal air.
It was hell: her neck and face were swolen beyond recognition and her chest was pumping (...) if they had told me it was a rubber doll I would've believed it, it was completely unreal to the family who arrived. My brother had to return from the other side of the world and came too late.
Of 15 IV drips only 2 remained: the Dormicum, the Morphine and the ever-pumping respirator. It was clear to all of us: We left her in God's hands to regain health enough for partial recovery or death, the latter seeming the most likely.
My mom was a Catholic so we had the Final Sacraments given to her. I myself am a Wiccan so I integrally prayed Wiccan along. I said many prayersas did the family.
I'm the pharmguy of the family, helping her manage her medicines etc. (...) The surgeon would hear nothing of it, but the nurses of the ICU granted my wish to have a needled syringe containing 500mg of Morphine HCl present in the room in case her death process would turn into the ultimate nightmare (..) I would've plunged it myself if none of the nurses would do it should the need arise.
Fortunately this proved unnecesary (...)
The death spots crept up her body, bloodpressure went down from over 100 to 20/15 or so. I looked at the monitor and saw her heart go from 90bpm to flatline without cramping: it just stopped.
A final kiss(...) a final goodbye and it was over.
at 18:24 on July 4 2003 my mother's heart ceased beating at 63 years of age (...)
My brother arrived yesterday and the 3 of us (dad too) went to seeher remains. She likely will be cremated coming thursday. In a few hours the funeralguy returns with his fucking salestalk and book of assorted coffins and other formal shit. In the Ideal World we'd all live in a small village, the whole family got together, we cut some trees and did it ourselves. But the perversity of civilisation includes strangers and salestalks and shit like that to come between you and (...) your beloved.
I just wrote my little speech for coming thursday. I'll try to translate it correctly.
Mother,
You left the Earthly
You returned to the place we all come from.
Your joys, your pains, a head full of memories of an intense life you've left behind and you moved on as a Soul.
Yougot such joy from helping others, yet had to bear such a heavy load in life. You allways pushed through, against all setbacks, the depressions and finaly the surgeries you had to go through.
You were a Fighter until the end and posessed a strenght I've never seen in others.
(personal parts removed)
Mother, mom,
You left the Eartly.
You returned to the place we all came from
Your body dissolves into Earth, Water, Fire and Air, you live on in our memories and your Soul will forever walk the mysterious path we all are walking until the end of time.
Me, XXXXX, all who love you will never forget you.
Mom, Blessed Be and Fare Well.
(Mod: please keep this thread free of druggie or pro-life venom or lock it. I won't be on for some time, sorry to all of you for laying this on you and thanks with all my heart for reading this.One needs not respond, having read this you have payed enough respect. Thank you all.)
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AislingGheal
A wave on the ocean
Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 929
Loc: Northern Ohio
Last seen: 19 days, 56 minutes
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My condolences to you and your family, God and Goddess watch over you.
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sir tripsalot
Administrator
Registered: 07/09/99
Posts: 6,483
Loc: British Columbia
Last seen: 14 days, 9 hours
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My condoleces to everybody involoved.Sorry for your loss and Best of luck to all of you. Your mothers at peace now.
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"Little racoons and old possums 'n' stuff all live up in here. They've got to have a little place to sit." Bob Ross.
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Pala
Dharma Bum
Registered: 05/27/03
Posts: 344
Loc: Within You Without You
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
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My condolences as well. Your mother has found some peace, and may you find yours as well. I'm ver sorry.
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huh????
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Jackal
Well Versed InEtiquette
Registered: 10/16/02
Posts: 4,528
Last seen: 1 year, 20 days
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My heart goes out to you, you are obviously a very loving human-being.
My condolences.
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 Ripple
Tangled up inBlue
Registered: 05/16/02
Posts: 20,565
Loc: the timbers of Fennario
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Please accept my most heartfelt condolences as well to you and everyone who shares your loss. May she rest in peace free from the pain that life can cause.
God Bless
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Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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There are no words that i can say that will ease the pain you must feel.
I am so sorry for your loss and you will be in my prayers.
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Zutroye
Wicked Villain
Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 301
Loc: On a Highway to Hell
Last seen: 1 month, 13 days
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 Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: Ripple]
#1689749 - 07/06/03 08:53 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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My condolences to you and your family, I hope your mother is in a better world now.
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Pala
Dharma Bum
Registered: 05/27/03
Posts: 344
Loc: Within You Without You
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: Zutroye]
#1689760 - 07/06/03 09:02 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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Wiccan Seeker - A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through. 
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huh????
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pattern
multiplayer
Registered: 07/19/02
Posts: 2,171
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 2 months, 7 days
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Sad, hope you get better, and her pain is over.
did you write a post once about drinking some cannabis tea with your mom?
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 man = monkey + mushroom
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Wiccan_Seeker
INFJcounselor-idealist
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 16,858
Loc: Virgo Supercluster (or b...
Last seen: 6 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: pattern]
#1692357 - 07/07/03 06:34 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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May the Gods bless all of you.
Moments of grief and clarity, the unrealness of it all fades away mercilessly.
The vulture of the funeral sevice industry has swooped down on us with stuff like announcing her death, choosing box & flowers and all that severe stuff. Kindly fuck off mister businessman, we're in mourning here.
About a month ago my mom and I did Poppyhead tea so I know she took delight in morphine. I knew she liked Benzos and these were the pharms that (...) protected her from the pains of leaving this world behind (...) She and I did Cannabis tea too a few times & she liked that too. She never was a druggie like me (did XTC once with me in the mid-90s) but the last weeks she felt the courage and urge to get to know "that world".
You can see I'm on rational mode now, and these moments of seeming inner peace could drive one nuts with guilt if you don't know it's part of it all.
It hurts so much, and yet it brings out the goodness in the people around you. It's comforting too to get these shroomerite condolances from all across the globe. Bless you, bless all of you.
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ENDGAME EARTHLINGS THE CRASH COURSE MONEY AS DEBT ARITHMETIC, POPULATION & ENERGY
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ChromeCrow
I haveissues...DEALWITH IT
Registered: 02/21/02
Posts: 1,661
Loc: Hoosier HELL
Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
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May yours and your mothers gods watch over and bless the both of you and your family.
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***
SUPPORT THE FSRC & FSRE NOW...its feels sooooo good!
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luvdemshrooms
Two inch dick..but it spins!?
Registered: 11/29/01
Posts: 12,343
Loc: Lost In Space
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That's sad news.
63 is too young.
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Join The N.R.A.
"Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole." - Thomas Sowell
"Some of the most vocal critics of the way things are being done are people who have done nothing themselves, and whose only contributions to society are their complaints and moral exhibitionism." - Thomas Sowell
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." - G. Gordon Liddy
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geokills
······· º¿°·······
Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 13,437
Loc: city of angels
Last seen: 6 hours, 51 minutes
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Even when given the inevitability of death, the account of your mother's passing has driven a spear of sadness into my heart. I cannot fathom how this could be treating you, but I appreciate you sharing these heavy days with us.
Much love for you and yours. May she Rest In Peace.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
...╬π╥  ╥π╬...
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/29/99
Posts: 6,305
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 16 days, 13 hours
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: geokills]
#1695809 - 07/08/03 07:47 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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may the light embrace her...
may the light uphold you and yours
may all beings be peaceful, may all being be happy, may all beings sleeping awaken...
blessed be...
~
~
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old enough to know better
not old enough to care
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Stein
Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 30,820
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Im sorry for your loss  . If you need anything you can pm me, I'll try my best to accomodate.
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Delyrium
lemonadeh.o.n.e.y.
Registered: 12/26/99
Posts: 5,941
Loc: vermont
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: Stein]
#1696467 - 07/08/03 01:35 PM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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I hate this - because I want to be able to express to you how sorry I am for your loss however - words never come out right for me. I hope you understand how I feel - and that your story and words brought me to tears. I would also like to say - I had a teacher whom I was very close with - his mother had died from colon cancer. Now because I'm not the type of person who can express things because I am always terrified I'll say the wrong thing - I went around the High School and collected a dollar or more from all students and teachers and ended up donating over $400 towards colon cancer research in his mother's name. I still make these donations (obviously not as generous because I am not a bread winner right now) - so I'll make one and for security reasons upon yourself I won't bother asking your mother's name but I'll keep her in my thoughts when I send it out.
Blessed Be (yes - I am a fellow Wiccan... 6 years now).
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Fuck Ted Nugent he?s a fucking jerk
I wish that he?d be gone
Chauvanistic republican
Kills animals cause he
Forgot how to write a song
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Wiccan_Seeker
INFJcounselor-idealist
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 16,858
Loc: Virgo Supercluster (or b...
Last seen: 6 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: Delyrium]
#1698931 - 07/09/03 06:10 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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Guys, guys..
It's absolutely heartwarming to get all these sincere responses from Shroomerites all over the world. It's a great comfort to me to (...) get all your responses and prayers being said and I do pass them on to my close relatives. The Shroomery really IS a community.
Hard times lie ahead. Tomorrow my mother's remains shall be returned to nature (...)
She really loved the ocean. We're thinking about letting the tides of next autumn wash out her ashes; my dad, brother and me will (...) go to the beach she loved so and (...)
You never think it'll happen to you but it will, my fellow Shroomerites. Please (...) take that rainy afternoon to put on paper your last wishes for we'll all leave this world one day. (...) cuddle up to your loved ones and let them know (...) you love them because they or you can be gone in the blink of an eye.
I myself believe in neverending reincarnation but nontheless a life is precious and always too short. Celebrate Life.
Thank you all. Several of you have up to now been merely a nick and a pic but you're real people and you genuinely care.
Bless you all.
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ENDGAME EARTHLINGS THE CRASH COURSE MONEY AS DEBT ARITHMETIC, POPULATION & ENERGY
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Learyfan
It's the psychedelic movement!
Registered: 04/20/01
Posts: 17,758
Loc: High pride!
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I know it sounds trite, but your mother is in a better place now.
Death is a begining, not an end. Godbless you and your family.
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Mp3 of the month: Neil Young and Graham Nash - War Song
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zeta
Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 3,972
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Wiccan Seeker I'm very grateful to you for writing that, it's so touching.
I'm also glad your mother came to know the joy of getting high before she passed away.
RIP
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Acidic_Sloth
Acidic poly-Sided Di-slothamide
Registered: 05/29/02
Posts: 28,008
Loc: ainrofilac
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 Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: zeta]
#1699090 - 07/09/03 08:21 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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it was very touching ... i almost cried, but i caught myself beforehand.
WS, my prayers are going out to you. you mother will always be there guiding you thru your life. take care, my friend, and best of luck.
love,
a_s
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-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --
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Wiccan_Seeker
INFJcounselor-idealist
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 16,858
Loc: Virgo Supercluster (or b...
Last seen: 6 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: 1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
#1704928 - 07/11/03 02:15 AM (5 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yesterday my mom was cremated.
My brother and I said our last goodbyes and closed the coffin. I can't describe the horror of having to lose someone as dear to you as our mother was to us, but time waits for no-one.
Over 50 people, family and friends, were gathered for the ceremony. My brother, me and my uncle (her brother)each spoke our prepared speeches, the ceremony ended with her music of choice (Beethoven's 5th paino concerto, part 2)and we all said our goodbyes. Afterwards we all gatered for a simple meal, a tradition where I live.
What can I say? Somehow the ceremony proved to turn another page of grief and helped us find peace with her demise. Much grief lies ahead and she will be missed for all our lives, but my brother and I feel we did what we could and that if she would be there to witness, she'd be proud of us. I feel drained and need some rest, but much needs be arranged also. Next week our father takes us out sailing, in a way re-uniting our broken home for a short while.
We grew closer through this ordeal, the three of us.
My mother has returned to dust and her Spirit and Body have moved completely to the other side.
May she rest in peace and forever wander the path we all travel.
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Wiccan_Seeker
INFJcounselor-idealist
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 16,858
Loc: Virgo Supercluster (or b...
Last seen: 6 hours, 30 minutes
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I want to thank you all for all your loving care and support through all of this. It is good to know you care, even though we just know eachother by words, nicks and pics only.
Despite all the bitching going on, the Shroomery truely is a fine community.
Thank you all for your care and support, especially since a cop-out was a mere tap on the backspace-button away.
Thank you and bless your hearts.
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ENDGAME EARTHLINGS THE CRASH COURSE MONEY AS DEBT ARITHMETIC, POPULATION & ENERGY
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