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Anonymous #1
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 Need some girl advice (semi long read).. 
#15815881 - 02/15/12 11:18 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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well normally i would just talk to my friends about these things but they haven't been very helpful with this so i turn to my internet friends at the shroomery. first a little back story.
so about 3 years ago now this girl started at the place i work at. we were introduced by someone the first day but nothing more than hello im ____. i am generally very shy around girls that i find attractive and she was no exception, atleast at first.
as the weeks and months pass here and there i notice her looking at me or we make eye contact and both smile, little good signs like this. i do my best to try to talk to her when i can and i quickly find that we have a lot in common. things like religious views, taste in music, and general outlook on life, and the more i talk to her the more im thinking hey this girl is really cool. id like to point out that i am not very smooth with the ladies and usually have great difficulty talking to them with confidence and not appearing stupid. but with this girl its totally different, we would talk and its so easy to keep talking, our conversations just flow and theirs nothing strained or forced. unfortunately its around this time that i also find out she has a boyfriend and they are in a pretty serious relationship. this was disheartening and although it didnt stop me from talking to her i really took a step back on any flirting that i was doing. for the longest time this is how things stayed. i would see her at work and we would talk or whatever but i never could make a move. i always felt like she liked me but never really knew for sure. about 6-8 months ago now i see on facebook that her bf proposed and she said yes. this really stung even though it wasnt a big surprise, i tried to tell myself "ok that sucks but oh well you will find someone, get over her".
flash foward again to about 2 months ago now, i see her at our work christmas party and we begin to talk. she tells me that her bf and fiance decided to dump her about a week before christmas! my reaction is shock like how could he do this, but of course on the inside im thinking "yes! yes! yes!". so i get her number and we start texting. soon enough we are texting pretty much nonstop all day and talking on the phone and hanging out just the two of us. after getting up my courage i come completely clean and tell her how ive had a huge crush on her since i met her and so on. she tells me that she had a crush on me too but follows this with "but right now i am happy being single and dont want to rush into a relationship." so what can i do but accept this is and try to continue to flirt with her and try to get closer to her. one night we went to a bar and she got pretty drunk and it ended with us making out and doing a lot of rubbing in her driveway at 4 am. in the coming weeks we became really close until one day she sends me a text saying that the breakup is hitting her really hard all of a sudden and needs space to clear her head. a few days go by with no communication and then she texts me again and we begin to hang out again , so i figure she is over it and doing fine.
this leads us up the the last week or so. nothing negative has happened but she seems to becoming more distant and i dont know why. for the past month or so we were hanging out a lot, she was putting in a lot of effort to see me which made me feel good and i thought things were headed where i wanted. however this last week everytime ive tried to hang out with her she has made some excuse such as im tired, i have too much homework, i am hanging with my girlfriends. All legitimate but i cant help but feel she doesnt want to see me for some reason but wont say it because she doesnt want to hurt me. this is driving me crazy, its all i think about just about, and need to know. at the same time i dont want to ruin the relationship we have, but just hanging out as friends isnt enough for me, its like if i cant have her i dont want to see her at all.
so this leads to the point of my post, i have two main courses of action that i can take and i dont know which to do. i dont want to scare her or force her into something and ruin things but i cant just go on not knowing what she is thinking. these are the basic plans ive been going over....
a) continue playing the game as ive been so far, making effort to see her but not being overly aggressive and not calling her out on us not hanging out, pretty much just letting things unfold as they will and hoping they go like i want.
b) tell her we need to talk and give her an ultimatum. something like "look i want you to be my girl and i cant go on just having you as a friend. if you arent ready for a relationship yet i dont mind waiting until you are comfortable and ready but i want to know if you are feeling the same way about me." pretty much i dont want to be lusting over this girl and have some illusion in my head that we are totally gonna get together while the whole time she is thinking she wants nothing more than to be friends. at the same time if she does just want to be friends i want to know so i can put my effort into another girl.
really option B is what i really want to do, that is how i am feeling. i really like this girl and feel a connection with her that i havent felt before with anyone else, i feel like i cant just let this pass. but i also feel like it might be too forward and waiting might yield better results.
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so anyway anyone have any advice on what they think my best course of action would be. girls out there, how would you feel if you were put in this situation? im worried that if she is still kinda on the fence that being super aggressive and forcing an answer wont get me the answer i want but i cant keep waiting in the dark. if you read all this i thank you and appreciate any advice!
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 Comradez
stargazer
Registered: 03/21/10
Posts: 613
Last seen: 2 hours, 48 minutes
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 Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15815935 - 02/15/12 11:29 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Well, I'm not a girl, but I recently had a similar situation with a girl, and I ended up going for option B because I was feeling like you...well, in my case it turned out to be a big mistake. Totally backfired. Now I can't really see this girl at all, whereas if I had played it cool and taken things much more slowly, who knows?...
Girls often say, "Why doesn't the guy make the first move?" Well, it's because we been fuckin' burned, bitches....
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They say that life's a carousel / Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well / The world is full of kings and queens / Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams / It's heaven and hell - Ronnie James Dio (RIP) 
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qman
Stranger
Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 3,480
Last seen: 8 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Comradez]
#15815982 - 02/15/12 11:38 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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What about option C, I want to have sex and not spend much time with you.
Dude, you invested so much and got so little, time to man up, what are you so afraid of? Losing someone that you don't have, give me a break.
Sounds like a moody bitch that is not even worth it, find another girl instead of wasting some much time and energy with a loser.
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C20H25N3O
Calico Kahlia
Registered: 02/01/04
Posts: 1,357
Last seen: 9 hours, 14 minutes
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Comradez]
#15815998 - 02/15/12 11:41 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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well it really depends. It looks like she is enjoying the time she is spending with you doesn't want to find herself in a serious relationship. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you and she doesn't have needs. Being a bit distant the week before a holiday marketed to couples to someone who doesn't want to be a couple isn't to surprising. Shitty that she can't be more direct, but no ones perfect.
I'd go with A for a bit longer. Perhaps with more drunk makeout sessions that lead to other things. I can't tell if you two are sleeping together or not. if things work out it will become a serious relationship. That really is how the best ones start in my experience. Good luck I suppose.
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Calico Kahlia come tell me the news
Calamity's waiting for a way to get to her
Rosy red and electric blue
I bought you a paddle for your paper canoe
Say you'll come back when you can
Whenever your airplane happens to land
Maybe I'll be back here too
It all depends on what's with you
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: C20H25N3O]
#15816147 - 02/16/12 12:09 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Comradez said:
Well, I'm not a girl, but I recently had a similar situation with a girl, and I ended up going for option B because I was feeling like you...well, in my case it turned out to be a big mistake. Totally backfired. Now I can't really see this girl at all, whereas if I had played it cool and taken things much more slowly, who knows?...
Girls often say, "Why doesn't the guy make the first move?" Well, it's because we been fuckin' burned, bitches....
yeah this is my biggest concern and has stopped me from going through with it to this point. i just want an answer! but not getting an answer and just going on as i have been means their is still hope. plus like in your situation it didnt work out and thats the end of that, i really dont want to experience that. thanks for the input!
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qman said:
What about option C, I want to have sex and not spend much time with you.
Dude, you invested so much and got so little, time to man up, what are you so afraid of? Losing someone that you don't have, give me a break.
Sounds like a moody bitch that is not even worth it, find another girl instead of wasting some much time and energy with a loser.
yeah option C is a possibility i guess. ive just been single for so long really i want a relationship more than sex. sex would be great but i dont think i could handle just having sex and nothing more, i just know that if we did it i would become very attached...
i guess i am afraid of losing what we have now, even though its not what i want its something. you are right though i shouldnt be afraid of losing a something that i dont have to begin with. its just that this isnt some random slut that i think is hot, i really do care for this girl and want things to work out. ive felt this way about her for a long time now
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C20H25N3O said:
well it really depends. It looks like she is enjoying the time she is spending with you doesn't want to find herself in a serious relationship. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you and she doesn't have needs. Being a bit distant the week before a holiday marketed to couples to someone who doesn't want to be a couple isn't to surprising. Shitty that she can't be more direct, but no ones perfect.
I'd go with A for a bit longer. Perhaps with more drunk makeout sessions that lead to other things. I can't tell if you two are sleeping together or not. if things work out it will become a serious relationship. That really is how the best ones start in my experience. Good luck I suppose.
yeah i guess the fact that valentines was yesterday makes sense as to why she might have seemed distant lately, i know that her breakup is still hurting her i guess it must be difficult. overall i know that she likes me and i know she enjoyed hanging with me because she was putting in the effort to come drive to my house and what not. i guess maybe i should wait to see if things start to get better again before i go doing anything drastic.
so thats two votes for option A and one for hidden option C....
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Comradez
stargazer
Registered: 03/21/10
Posts: 613
Last seen: 2 hours, 48 minutes
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15816201 - 02/16/12 12:22 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Another reason I vote for option A is, it's no secret that if you are the right way with a girl, you can get her to fall in love with you despite all of her conscious determination to not do so. How else do you think affairs happen? Most wives are not out to cheat on their husbands (although some are). But if they meet the right person, they can't help themselves. Option A will buy you more time to try your hand at this.
That said, by "Option A," I don't mean give up on the sexual tension entirely. What I mean is, don't make your feelings explicit. Yeah, I know it's stupid that we have to play this game with girls, but play the game for a bit longer.
Now, if she starts sensing your overtures and is determined to prevent herself from being in a situation where she can start falling for you...well, shit, that fuckin' sucks. (Why the fuck do girls do that? They don't trust their feelings? Fuck...)
Because the only way Option A makes any sense is if it buys you more time to win her heart in spite of herself...and if she's not even giving you any chance, then there's no functional difference from going with Option B. You're not gonna get any more chances with Option B either, but at least you'll know one way or the other.
That said, play the game a bit longer and see if this is just a period (whether literally or figuratively) that she's going through, or whether she's not gonna give you any more chances at all.
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They say that life's a carousel / Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well / The world is full of kings and queens / Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams / It's heaven and hell - Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
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 Lynnch
Strangerer
Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 4,234
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15816231 - 02/16/12 12:26 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Don't get stuck waiting around. Get what you want dude. Either she's into you or she's not and you're better off not living in a fantasy.
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All We Perceive
Sea Cucumber
Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 7,728
Loc: colorado
Last seen: 6 hours, 54 minutes
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15816377 - 02/16/12 01:03 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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You're not listening to what she is saying. She just got dumped by her fiance right before christmas two months ago. Trying to push her into a relationship when she has clearly said she is not ready for one is doomed. To be honest, if I got dumped by my fiance, two months would definitely not be enough time to jump into another relationship with my head on straight.
I would have (a) Made a move on her at some point post Christmas. Hanging out a bunch of times just the two of you and not doing this indicates either that you were too pussy to do it or weren't interested, or (b) pushed her away and resumed hanging out with her around now. This would have given her time to get her head on straight. Even assuming you bang her and have a little thing for a bit, it's just going to be a rebound until she figures her shit out. Good luck broski.
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"plus they atually think jambands are good or sumthing, so they clearly know absolutely nothing about music, clearly lol" -Bassfreak
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atayia
nom nom
Registered: 02/24/08
Posts: 1,195
Loc: Australia
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I am a girl but I'm bad at wall of texts, can you break it down a bit? Sorry I don't mean to be a jerk, I have legit vision issues.
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San
Novice
Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 592
Last seen: 6 days, 13 hours
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: atayia]
#15816642 - 02/16/12 02:03 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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"B" is always the option guys want to default to. Or C too I guess. Why are you all do bad at this?
Honestly, if you can't be her friend then you have no right being with her, and she's probably getting the same vibes. Your cold and self centered view of her recent breakup clearly show that you have no interest in supporting her emotionally.
Protip: Girls have no clue what they want.
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Actually not everyone was a noob. Being a noob is a very new phenomenon. Many people, the great majority in fact, were simply "beginners", "novices" or "new to mushroom growing". Being a "noob" is reserved, and in fact created specifically for and by, the newer, much more lame generations coming about.
-Shpongle1
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: atayia]
#15816679 - 02/16/12 02:20 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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tl,dr: OP likes a girl who was dumped by her fiance shortly before Christmas. He and the girl have been hanging out. He wants something more, but she is increasingly distant after being very into him and the change is getting to him. He wonders if he should play it cool and let it unfold or if she should issue an ultimatum stating that he wants a committed relationship or nothing.
@OP:
In general, going around issuing ultimatums in a relationship much less to get into a relationship is a terrible idea. If you enjoy her company then continue to hang out with her doing just that and let your relationship unfold. Your issues at this point are your own doing. Just talk to her. If you want something more with her then go for it, but don't issue an ultimatum; make your move and see what she does.
More specifically I strongly discourage you from getting seriously involved with someone who was dumped by their fiance recently. It will not end well. You're better off focusing on yourself and other friendships. If she likes you, she'll seek you out once she's over her ex and ready for something new. Maybe she's trying to do you a favor by being distant because she knows that a relationship with her wouldn't be fair to you at this point.
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atayia
nom nom
Registered: 02/24/08
Posts: 1,195
Loc: Australia
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #2]
#15816733 - 02/16/12 02:40 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Could be she doesn't know how to act in a relationship after being with her fiance, someone she was engaged to for presumably awhile. Sorry, bad advice is bad, I am terrible 
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: atayia]
#15817821 - 02/16/12 11:31 AM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Comradez said:
Another reason I vote for option A is, it's no secret that if you are the right way with a girl, you can get her to fall in love with you despite all of her conscious determination to not do so. How else do you think affairs happen? Most wives are not out to cheat on their husbands (although some are). But if they meet the right person, they can't help themselves. Option A will buy you more time to try your hand at this.
That said, by "Option A," I don't mean give up on the sexual tension entirely. What I mean is, don't make your feelings explicit. Yeah, I know it's stupid that we have to play this game with girls, but play the game for a bit longer.
Now, if she starts sensing your overtures and is determined to prevent herself from being in a situation where she can start falling for you...well, shit, that fuckin' sucks. (Why the fuck do girls do that? They don't trust their feelings? Fuck...)
Because the only way Option A makes any sense is if it buys you more time to win her heart in spite of herself...and if she's not even giving you any chance, then there's no functional difference from going with Option B. You're not gonna get any more chances with Option B either, but at least you'll know one way or the other.
That said, play the game a bit longer and see if this is just a period (whether literally or figuratively) that she's going through, or whether she's not gonna give you any more chances at all.
you make some good points. i know that she likes me but i still dont know if she sees me like a boyfriend, i guess option a will give me chances to sway her decision.
Quote:
Lynnch said:
Don't get stuck waiting around. Get what you want dude. Either she's into you or she's not and you're better off not living in a fantasy.
i hear you man i dont want to get stuck waiting around for something that isnt coming. unfortunately right now she is what i want, i know some other single cuties but she is the one that i think about. you have to understand when i found out she was engaged it totally hit me that ok its never going to happen and was fine with it. then all of sudden i hear she is available i never thought it would happen, its like i have some call from the universe to pursue this. i know that she is into me but i dont know when she will be ready...
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All We Perceive said:
You're not listening to what she is saying. She just got dumped by her fiance right before christmas two months ago. Trying to push her into a relationship when she has clearly said she is not ready for one is doomed. To be honest, if I got dumped by my fiance, two months would definitely not be enough time to jump into another relationship with my head on straight.
I would have (a) Made a move on her at some point post Christmas. Hanging out a bunch of times just the two of you and not doing this indicates either that you were too pussy to do it or weren't interested, or (b) pushed her away and resumed hanging out with her around now. This would have given her time to get her head on straight. Even assuming you bang her and have a little thing for a bit, it's just going to be a rebound until she figures her shit out. Good luck broski.
yeah you are right if she isnt ready she isnt ready, at this point i just want to know if she is feeling that it will happen when she is ready or not, if she even knows. how long do you think it will take for her to be ready again? ive never been dumped by a fiance but i feel like moving on would be healthy rather than staying alone and torturing your mind thinking about the ex.
also i did kind of do both a and b of what you said. i made a move (pretty much just let her know how i felt) and got the "i like you too but i am not ready line." so after that i didnt make any moves out of respect that she wasnt ready to. we have been hanging out and i do flirt with her a little but i try not to, simply because she said that. i really dont want to be her rebound i just want to be her new relationship but its hard to tell when is the cutoff for being a rebound vs just a new relationship?
Quote:
San said:
"B" is always the option guys want to default to. Or C too I guess. Why are you all do bad at this?
Honestly, if you can't be her friend then you have no right being with her, and she's probably getting the same vibes. Your cold and self centered view of her recent breakup clearly show that you have no interest in supporting her emotionally.
Protip: Girls have no clue what they want.
the thing is i can be her friend, its just that i dont want to be only her friend you know? we are friends by anyones standards but hanging with her and not being able to be really honest and do the things i want to is pretty much torture. i wouldnt say ive been cold to her situation i have totally respected that she isnt ready, and i do want to support her emotionally but thats what a boyfriend is for not any male friend, so i havent.
Quote:
Anonymous said:
tl,dr: OP likes a girl who was dumped by her fiance shortly before Christmas. He and the girl have been hanging out. He wants something more, but she is increasingly distant after being very into him and the change is getting to him. He wonders if he should play it cool and let it unfold or if she should issue an ultimatum stating that he wants a committed relationship or nothing.
@OP:
In general, going around issuing ultimatums in a relationship much less to get into a relationship is a terrible idea. If you enjoy her company then continue to hang out with her doing just that and let your relationship unfold. Your issues at this point are your own doing. Just talk to her. If you want something more with her then go for it, but don't issue an ultimatum; make your move and see what she does.
More specifically I strongly discourage you from getting seriously involved with someone who was dumped by their fiance recently. It will not end well. You're better off focusing on yourself and other friendships. If she likes you, she'll seek you out once she's over her ex and ready for something new. Maybe she's trying to do you a favor by being distant because she knows that a relationship with her wouldn't be fair to you at this point.
yeah so i guess my mind is made up to go with option a and just keep making effort to see her and see what happens. while i totally agree with your second paragraph and can see that you are right this girl is just too special to me to go try to find another girl. i need to know if i can be with this one first, which is how the whole ultimatum came up.
Quote:
atayia said:
Could be she doesn't know how to act in a relationship after being with her fiance, someone she was engaged to for presumably awhile. Sorry, bad advice is bad, I am terrible
maybe youre right they were together 4 years. im thinking its more that she just isnt totally over it yet. :sigh:
thanks for all the advice people you gave me good things to consider! 
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe
Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 3,309
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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Re: Need some girl advice (semi long read).. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15823291 - 02/17/12 02:58 PM (1 year, 3 months ago) |
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There are so many unknown factors in this.
She's definitely at least somewhat interested/attracted to you, but she's definitely still in some sort of pain and discomfort from being dumped by her fiance. Likely, she's still carrying too much emotional baggage, and doesn't want to - and probably can't - give herself to you, even if she wanted to. She's probably leaking so much energy. She's flopped on you, probably because she's feeling like "What's the point? I'm still miserable, even if I hang out with this guy, I'm still deep down in discontent." She's got a weight on her shoulders and she knows she can't be genuine with you if too much of her energy is going towards people and things other than you.
Yes she's attracted. But it's likely that she's being hanging with you only to escape herself and her pain and try to get over being dumped by her fiance. The rebound it's called. I mean it's only been what? 2 months since she got dumped?
This is not to say that you can't still manage to get her over time. But definitely, don't do option B. It's a guaranteed fuck up. Even if she concedes, she won't really be there. It's be out of damage control, and not out of sincerity. It's not worth it for you.
Stick to option A. Give her time man, she's still probably all fucked up. And it's sad to say but up till now she's probably just used you to escape herself, her loneliness, and she probably won't truly be with you until she gets out of it herself, and you can help her do so, but not by being aggressive and desperate.
She could very well be and awesome chick and maybe you to could have been great in other circumstances but the reality is that a big chunk of her life just broke off and sh'a probably quite a mess inside, and if you yourself feel like a mess just because you're getting obsessed over her is not going to help. You will need to be the clear headed, clear-hearted one. If you're weak, how can you help get out of her weaknesses?
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Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
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