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Anonymous #1
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 girlfriends parents hate me aka anonymous venting and stds. 
#15421728 - 11/25/11 01:57 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I will try to keep this post short. But a lot is going on.
My girlfriend and I met about 3 and half years ago working a summer job in college. I had just turned 22 and she was about to turn 21 in the fall. I knew she would graduate that coming December and I would be stuck in school another 3 semesters. I had no intentions of having a long distance relationship. I said as such to one of the mangers I was friendly with. We started off very casual. She had just ended a 2 year relationship.
But here I am over 3 years later, never once questioning my decision. I really fell for her by the end of that semester. We have consistently lived 3 hours away from each other over the past few years. The exception being the summer times. She went off to graduate school but we spend every summer together. She even transferred schools to be closer to my parents house. So that after I graduated we lived 45 mins apart. I tried very hard to get a job by my parents house, except for one application I applied to on a whim at an Ivy League school 3 hours away. I wasn't hearing anything back from the other jobs and didn't expect to get this one. Sending over a hundread applications and only hearing back twice. The only thing attractive about this job was it was perfect for me. the only job that required a BA in anthropology! I am still amazed to this day i got landed this job.
She was devastated, and we almost broke up. But as an art major she could understand. When you find a job so fitting you have to take it. We still saw/see each other a few times a month. Overall the whole relationship works out well. We are both very busy and dont have a lot of free time anyhow.
I've been at this job a little over a year now. I am actually more of a computer programmer and make decent money and have great benefits. The place I am employed at is in an old estate in a rich new england town. I do ten hours of care taker work each week and live free of charge in the carriage house (huge 3 car garage with a nice apartment on top). Its a great job. My only expense is internet and food.
Whats the trouble? Her yearly pap smear is right after the time we started dating. she tends to get one in the late summer early fall. Last fall she was told she has some abnormal cells. No big deal they tell her it happens. This fall she was told she has HPV. She had to tell her parents because they provide her insurance.
From what I understand HPV is relatively common. There are no genital warts with this. After her biopsy she was told everything is fine, and out of all the types of HPV hers is one of the least worrisome. This all happened over September and October. We didn't speak for about a month. I essentially went through the depressed breakup stage. I was getting ready to move on, but loathed that idea.
We started speaking again in early october, and things have been great! we did have a rough summer. She worked six days a week and often time this meant she had to spend nights away. This was rough, and we fought a bit this summer. Because neither of us were having fun. We both think this had a lot to do with her job. Which she legitimately says was her worst job she ever had. this also reduced our sex life. Hell we didn't have a sex life. Maybe only a few times from may-aug. But it was deteriorating before that. I considered ending it, but I still had feelings for her. We got a long so well at one point and when things were well we still did. We both have the same idea of fun--Concerts and live music, and we both have a near identical taste in music. This is important to me. Our biggest difference is her love of bad tv shows (think MTV and VH1). we often times find ourselves thinking the exact same thing. That synchronicity is a big turn on.
Well, since we have been back together we get along better than we ever have. Communication is great. We even email each other every day. I love writing letters to one another. Its a good way to communicate long distance. Much better than texts/phone calls. Our sex life is also probably better than its ever been. While we still don't have a lot of sex, its because we don't see each other often. But when we see each other we have some very healthy very good sex.
Well, she also lies to her parents. They dont/didnt know we were back together. They essentially hate me. She claims it is for the HPV. Which apparently is the most common std. Over 50% over sexually active adults have it once in their life. But, there are not tests for men. So even though she was on birth control, I test positive for no STDs, and we were together for 3 years do her parents expect me to always use a condom?? i mean wtf, if she wasn't on their insurance she told me she wouldn't of even told them. This is a personal matter between couples anyhow? I am bit confused myself. My first girlfriend had HPV (4 years before I even met this girl) but her doctor told me that is often clears up in a year and that in a few years I would have nothing to disclose. Likely a different girl I was with in between had it.
I think its a bit more than that. Let me give some background. She does complain a bit. She has a twin sister who I initially hated. She constantly complained about all the things her sister does to her. Always getting her way, stealing clothes, misc insults etc. So that when I first met her I hated her. I stuck up for my girlfriend a lot and caused some problems. But I quickly learned they are twins, they have done this forever. Let them do their things.
A similiar thing happened with her brother. She always complained how her parents would pay for his school, his housing, he would always get the new phone when someone was eligable in the family plan etc. Well, once I met him this bothered me, but he is really a nice guy. She just complains more than I do, and I just need to listen.
This goes on, she constantly complains about her parents. But I know its venting. She does this with friends too. I suppose I should feel good she can share these thoughts with me, but when I meet someone for the first time I have often have a bad impression of them due to something she has said.
The point is, I am sure she does the same with me. Her mom and her often talk badly about her sisters boyfriend, why not me. As an aside the sisters boyfriend is 37 and she is 24...I do find that a bit strange. But out of all the boyfriends she has been with the past 3 years (a lot) he is really nice. He also allows her to live for free and pays for her phone.
Well here is the thing. I live in new england. She lives in PA, her sister lives in VA and her parents up and moved to FL from NY a few years back. she has no home.
She is about to finish school with a degree in art ed and the job prospects are bleak. Her twin sister wants her to goto VA and live with her and the boyfriend. I really want her here. I have never been under any doubt that when we were both finished school we could relax and enjoy being a couple. I've (we?) have looked forward and talked about it for the past 2 years.
Her parents, assuming she wasn't talking to me, Simply said If you cant find a job you HAVE TO move in with us. She doesn't like or feel at home in FL. I can provide her with a place to live for free. And we have talked about splitting car costs. Ins and Maintence. I don't have a car and really don't need one where I live. But I do have a garage for the car. A plus in snowy new england.
Well her whole extended family is gathered in the outer banks for thanksgiving. Apparently, she decided to tell them she is still seeing me last night around midnight--I think that was a horrible decision but I wont tell her that. Her parents, who I presumed were drinking. Those Italians love there wine. They flipped out and caused a huge argument in front of the whole EXTENDED family 
apparently her brother knows about everything now too. (her sister knew--apparently she told her sister to encourage her to get a pap smear. she is 24 and slept with quite a few people and has never gotten one!! wow)
Her parents essentially said if she continues to see me they will no longer talk to her--Bullshit I think. I'm sure they would.
But I think this will also affect her graduation present. They were going to give her there old car instead of trading it in when they get a new one. a 2004 Prius. I could see them taking that away, and her car is about to die.
The whole thing has her a mess, and it does me too. I feel like they are treating her like she is 14, not 24. If she really doesn't want to see me, I can accept that. It wont be easy, but I can get over it. Even if she says I can only find a job and I have to move to Chicago I can accept that.
BUT if she wont be with me because her parents say so!!! I cannot even fathom how I will respond. No violence, but its just a major WTF.
but in retrospect, I am 25. I wouldn't mind settling down with her in a few years. I don't know if it is worth it to deal with constantly being hated by her whole family. I work for one of the best Universities in the country, I have a great job, great benefits, and think I would be able to provide a stable life for their daughter. But I'm thinking maybe it would be better if we weren't together. I dont want to drive a wedge between her and her family. Family is important.
I keep trying not to push her. She is very stressed about finding employment (and paying back a massive amount of student loans). I understand that, and tell her that I can support and understand whatever she decides to do. That I want her with me. That she means everything to me, but that I understand she needs to do what she needs to do. I then add, that she needs to decide. Not her sister, not her parents, and not me. I think that is a respectful and supportive way to go about things, but her sister and parents are constantly up her ass about what she will be doing. She is stressed enough and they are making the whole thing worse. It makes me sick. It really is affecting her mental health. And the fact that her parents keep telling her that 'something is wrong with her' doesn't make things any better.
I'm very angry, and very confused. I am young and can move on, but not like this. Every instinct I have tells me to fight for her, and I am. But its like walking on egg shells. I know she feels so lost right now.
thanks for reading, I suppose I can answer questions and I apologize for the rambling. She has asked me not to talk to anyone about this, but its getting hard to respect that.
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 cateyes
Registered: 12/16/03
Posts: 2,754
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 Re: girlfriends parents hate me aka anonymous venting and stds. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15422183 - 11/25/11 03:50 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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there's no need to apologize and you provided a good amount of information to work with... i want to start by saying your ex's doctor misled you... HPV can remain active for two years or more and although it generally it clears up that's not always the case... if your girlfriend doesn't present warts then she probably has one of many strains that can cause cervical as well as a number of other forms of cancer, so she needs to make it a point to make every GYN checkup from this point on because those types of cancers can form and develop rapidly...
it's amazing that you two were able to maintain a long term relationship and still feel just as strongly for one another as you did back then... it's a powerful testament... that said, i asked myself how would i feel if some dude gave my girl an sti, and i have to admit to you that i'd be pissed... but she is 24 now and if she loves you i as a father, would give into that... but that's me, you have a totally different personality in your future father in law... sometimes a parent will hold a grudge forever, but in general things like this will blow over... if you honestly feel you can provide for her then i would tell her so and ask her to move in with you... as long as the two of you are truly happy, what else really matters? but if you have any doubts whatsoever about being able to fully provide for her you have to be honest with yourself on behalf of her best interests and do the right thing by cutting her loose... if it comes to that point, i know it'll hurt, because sometimes doing the right things do... i know from personal experience...
i'm going to say a prayer to the great spirit tonight on behalf of both of you... that the right thing turns out to be the thing that makes the two of you happy...
Kensho 
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Anonymous #1
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Re: girlfriends parents hate me aka anonymous venting and stds. [Re: cateyes]
#15422745 - 11/25/11 05:57 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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The obgyn said things looked good and all things considered she has very little to worry about. She has been keeping up with things on that end....idk this whole situation is messed up to me.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: girlfriends parents hate me aka anonymous venting and stds. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15456017 - 12/02/11 08:57 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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I figured this was too long....
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Anonymous #1
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Re: girlfriends parents hate me aka anonymous venting and stds. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15511526 - 12/13/11 06:33 PM (1 year, 5 months ago) |
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well, I tried to break up with her on sunday. But she wouldn't let me. I really didn't want to break up with her in the first place so I was easy to persuade otherwise. However, it now looks like I probably will be breaking up with her later this week over the phone. Not the way I wanted to end a 3.5 year relationship.
She was offered a job in VA (8 hrs from me). She put in an application this morning with a school 45mins from me. If she hears back great. But I think on friday I am going to end it. This obviously wont work. I want her here more than anything, but I am not going to prolong my agony anymore. I think we both want to be together, but jobs for Art Teachers mid year are a rare commodity. She will be happy in VA. I know she misses her twin sister. She will have a social network down there already. Twins seem to share friends very easily.
This whole situation just sucks. I am young though at 25. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to have all this behind me. I just really need to make some friends up here. Living out of town and working with people 2-3x my age does not really help.
Thanks if you made it through this. I just really needed a place to vent and collect my thoughts.
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