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 Thuglife
Stranger
Registered: 11/25/10
Posts: 24
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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 Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies 
#13944470 - 02/11/11 11:50 AM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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This is my trip after taking what I had in this thread (http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/13937546).
What i'm about to tell you is something i cannot even believe or begin to explain. I will try my best though.
Took the 8th, took Vitamin C pills with it. Then smoked a doobie.
I was at my friend Matt's place, he did them too, but he ate about 2/3's of his 8th.
Once it started kicking in, i was laughing and feeling that initial shroom high about 20 minutes in. 50 minutes in, it was getting more intense and i saw the shadows on the edges of stuff lightly swayng back and forth like waves. I saw a certain haziness and small particles of colors within the objects around the room. Would space out and feel/see some interesting visuals.
Now, this is where it all erupted. Let me add additional info and say that the room was well lit (i know, better in darkness), the TV was on, and music was playing. All the ingredients of a bad trip. Too many things going on, and in an unfamiliar environment. Although i do trust him and feel comfortable with him. He was letting me know beforehand and throughout that he was right there and we're all in it together and all this positive stuff. I was fully prepared to feel good. I had no bad feelings or uncertainties going into it.
But the mindset i went into it didn't have anything to do with it at all. It's being the person i am that was what made it a bad trip. I came to the conclusion that i have very, very, very, deep, deep, deep, issues and need to find comfort and peace with myself before i try to explore myself at that level again. Here's the story:
After the first stages of the experience i mentioned, i found myself opposite the couch i was sitting at before. I had my knees up near my chest and saw my friend Matt saying to me "look at you dude, you're in the fetal position on the couch. you're bugging out." I stayed in that position for a while. Then i remember starting to ask what time it was, and at what time we took them. I must have asked that at least 10 times within 5 minutes. At this point i was feeling such ecstasy and euphoria that i had an erection. And i felt like my body was having an orgasm. I felt like i was having sex through my entire body.
I would just hear and see Matt talking about whatever he was talking about. He must have been experiencing his own thing because he was saying things i had no clue what he was talking about. I was drifting in and out of reality. I felt like i was losing grips with the world and had to keep grounding myself, in which i would come back see Matt standing up and walking back and forth from his chair talking about how "this is it. this is what it's about. this is life". Then is when IT happened.
The divine experience.
Matt pointed at a tiny figurine of a golden Buddha on his window sill. He was saying something about it. I immediately noticed how many emotions and sensations i was feeling. I was jumping from emotion to emotion at light speed. From intense happiness, to crushing sadness, to hopeless despair... and all in the midst of this was drastic and traumatizing realizations.
I must have said something. Then he said, "I was just you." He said "I was JUST you!" And i understood it. Genuinely i have to say, I somehow admire Matt for being an extremely laid back individual. And for some reason i equated his peace and ease with himself, as something heavenly. I immediately concluded that we're all put here to go our own paths. And that my childhood was the greatest time in my life. And that i was closest to God and this feeling i was feeling when i was a kid. And that i've only slowly fell into the darker abyss in my life. Losing touch with the things that used to make me... ME: Such as not giving a fuck. I realized I've let anxiety run my life to the point where i get paralyzed with fear in everyday instances and situations. I hate it. I'm deathly shy and force myself at times to not be, but only to feel extremely awkward and have self-loathing for every molecule of my being and existence. Needless to say i am freakishly self-conscious, nervous, insecure, and uncomfortable with everything i do. I can't find fulfillment in anything unless i've really exerted myself in work or exercise.
The past couple weeks, i started saying to myself how i guess i'm just an introverted person. That i find it easier to avoid any decisions in life by just sidestepping them and throwing my hands up and saying that it's just too much work to try and be someone i'm not. Let's face it, i said, I am the way i am and trying to fix it is taking a toll on my mind and body. I am mentally unstable. i have to live with my fucked up person.
Now back to the trip.
After Matt had said "I was just you", while standing up. I said, "You felt like this?" He said "Yea, and you're gonna feel the way i do in a bit." I was confused but somewhat understanding it. That's when it happened though. I somehow found myself standing in his place not too long later, and saw him sitting where i was, and i was pointing to the figurine of Buddha, saying "I was just you"... then this feeling of, of just... heat and orgasm in my brain and body. And the closer i got to the Buddha, the hotter it got. The heat erupted from the Buddha. And the paramount realization of the trip occurred....
EVERYTHING is a CYCLE. I'm being reincarnated. We are all reincarnated. I was the universe. But we all go through these cycles as humans. We all play out a role, then move on to the next role. When Matt said, "i was just you," it turned a switch on and i understood that i'm going to come back in the next world as not this shy, anxious, nervous person... but as a confident, care free person... like Matt. And that he HAD BEEN ME in a previous life... maybe not in body form, but in spiritual. "Everyone fills someone's place" i thought. And that the feeling of God i was having was just the cycle resetting itself. I was feeling God (my childhood), then the emotions would go haywire and lead me down a dark depressing path of despair.
My mind soared and i understood it all. I saw that my life started amazing and innocent, filled with hope. Then i slowly grew apart from God and became agnostic.
Suddenly, another realization beyond fright, happiness, sadness, anything.... JESUS CHRIST.
Literally, Jesus Christ. I was putting the pieces together of everything i was learning that night and felt Jesus Christ. Everything boiled down to God.
I swear to you.... I felt and saw God. I could feel Jesus and his presence inside of me and in the room. EVERYTHING was pointing back to Jesus Christ. And it all made complete lucid sense. I was blown away at the realization. How real and how much it all make such perfect sense. I was feeling like i was being reborn. I literally shouted, "I'M BORN AGAIN" then realized, "THAT'S WHAT THOSE CRAZY PREACHERS SAY"... just so you know that even though i'm sceptical of religion and all that, i still pulled that out of thin air because i was authentically FEELING it.
I said, "I have to go", mostly out of tiredness. i said it at least 20 times. And Matt was saying "you can crash here man dont worry", and i was just saying "no, i have to go." I wanted to be in my own bed.
I left. I heard stamping around like mass amounts of people were hurdling down the staircase after me. I heard my name being called over and over.
I kept walking.
I was down the block when i started feeling like i was missing Jesus and the feeling of God.
The feeling like i wasn't supposed to leave Matt's. Like since i always smoke weed with him, that i correlated Matt's laidback and peaceful persona along with weed, to Christ. Suddenly, he HOPS out of nowhere from my right. Assuring me in a squinty-eyed Buddha way, "i told you i wouldn't leave you man. I'm always here." That's all i needed to fall deeper out of reality.
I started thinking how we're all put here to perform our own roles. And that this was mine. But now i was being reincarnated. I would soon meet my death and become reincarnated if i didn't go back with Matt.
I saw friends outside the bar as i was passing it on the way back home. I only saw people i admired. I saw people i wanted to be. Strong, confident guys hanging out with beautiful women.
I wanted it. I finally figured it was my time, after all. Once i finish this role as the loser, i'll be reborn into another person. That's what Matt was saying when he said "i was just you." I saw more people i admired and glorified. More girls, more people. smiling and laughing with me.
Then as i walked further from Matt's, i saw Hell. I saw the long street leading down to my dorm. The cold dark long walk. And the isolated dorm. Matt was still walking with me. I felt as though Jesus was emobided within him. Teaching me. Walking with me. Asking if i really wanted this.
Really wanted what?
Then it hit me... everything is a cycle.
I needed to break out of the cycle. Jesus says in the Bible that if you deny him, you will die forever.
It finally occurred to me what that meant. I needed to make a decision at that point. Do i leave, and quench my tiredness and head back to my dorm and open the door where nothing is, although there exists security, and the endless cycle of death and this feeling of despair and loneliness?... the feeling that after what i had just witnessed, there is nothing. And that living life after that experience, is like coming into this world new. Like you're thrown into life feeling different than before. The feeling of tiredness that you're trying to quell, but you can't... you'll never go back to the realization and feeling of Christ that you had. I was in the world again, but having to live with this dreadful feeling of nakedness. Like i had eaten from the tree of knowledge and now have to roam the world lifeless.
Or do i take the plunge, go back with Matt. Back to the feeling i was having. Back to Christ. Back to the window i opened. I was faced with my biggest fear. Confronting my parents. Telling them how i really feel about myself. All that i've been doing with drugs.
I felt like if i wanted to break the cycle and enter nirvana i had to confront all my worst fears. Which was that feeling of doom and death filling my body.
Bizzarely, i associated everyone that was black or brown in some way, as being more pure. As having a stronger essence and spiritual connection to the God i saw and this universe.
I felt like they were more carefree in spirit. Had better lives for some reason. Weren't infested with all the things of the white world. I'm not prejudiced or racist by any means, this is just what i felt at the time.
And crazily, the closer i got to my dorm, the more and more signs i saw validating it. I saw more and more blacks and brown people. More and more girls. More and more things associated with that bliss i felt just earlier.
I got to my room, was about to unlock the door, then i saw my RA (resident assistant, he basically patrols the floor. He's another student living in the dorms). He said "Are you ok?" Mind you it's like 2am. I paused, saw him standing at the end of the hallway. The personification of purity. My RA is black. And told me once that he never has drank or smoked in his life. He has multiple jobs, and has an internship. He never even swears or curses. He's actually from Africa. I felt a sense of beauty and perfection in him. I stood there, outside my door, staring at him. Thinking, "Do i open the door? fall back into death? Deny christ and end up in Cocytus? In the frigid land that is hell. This empty feeling that i now have to live with... will it remain if i open this door? Will Satan himself present himself to me? Or do i listen to the last heed of advice and pressure from good, my Enlightenment, and Christ... my black RA."
I took the key from the door and ran down the stairs. Staring at my RA in all his glory for 10 secs, i mumbled some shit about i had a lot of schoolwork on mind and i was stressed. I was longing for God again. But i was fearing i had denied Christ. I had made my decision to die for eternity... remain in the cycle. Never have the feeling again, never acheiving the perfectly clear and lucid logical understanding that was the universe and God... the warm euphoria and bliss i had felt and realized was mapping it all out for me.
I felt like i had a near death experience. Or rather, a near life experience. I was walking back to Matt's, when i see a campus security car pull up. I stared in a daze. He asked what i was doing and i was speechless... nothing could be said or summed up after the feeling i had. Nothing mattered...
I ended up in his car for some reason, fearing having to go back to Matt's and break from the cycle by being who i wanted to be. Once again not being able to face my fears in life.... pitiful.
Parked in the front of my dorm, the security guy was trying to talk to me. I was completely apathetic. I needed to see Christ again. I needed to be part of the oneness of the universe... i needed to live my role in life... i couldn't die for eternity... no... that's not me. I need to have faith. This is hopeless despair... THIS IS HELL. THIS IS WHAT CHRIST MEANT IN THE BIBLE. THE HOPELESS FEELING OF HELL ISN'T A FIREY PIT..... IT'S THIS FEELING OF DEATH AND ABANDONING ALL HOPE OF EVER BEING HAPPY AGAIN... AND LIVING WITH THIS FEELING OF UNFULFILLMENT FOREVER AND EVER.... THE FEELING OF SEEING GOD AND NEVER HAVING IT BACK.
Once i had turned back tho, it was too late. Suddenly my life flashed. People were gathering... police.... security... people from the dorms. I was suddenly feeling at my lowest point in my entire life. This was it... it couldn't get lower...
I realized i had experienced death. My worst fears were blooming. A spectacle created in front of the dorms... my parents probably will be notified... i'm going to jail.... people thinking i'm insane.
I wasn't getting up out from the car to go anywhere or even to the truck waiting to take me to the hospital. They were talking to me, trying to get something. I heard them... but i didn't feel anything but that feeling. That nothing mattered. Maybe this was enlightment? Finally not caring what people think about me? No more judgement. No more nothing. Just what i want to be.
That was the last straw of despair. I correlated the LAW and POLICE as Satan.
When they dropped me off at the ER, they were all laughing about how i was "trippping balls" and one guy even was a dick and said in a commanding stern voice "You see??! that's what you get for taking shrooms. You're having a bad trip now!"
Bad trip? That means its not real... right? And i thought that i'd be waking up in Matt's room by now if that was the case. But no, this was as real as it got. On the ride to the hospital, i felt like it was over, i had died. And i'll forever be living with this ultimate sadness and no return. I had denied Christ. I should have went with Matt when all the overbearing signs were there. I should have followed Christ instead of taken the easy way out.
I was dead.......
In the ER, i pondered this for the longest. I tried to recall everything that had happened. I started to think that these mushrooms are the beginning and end of all. This is the cause of human's revelations to higher beings. I started to feel small. I felt as though the mushrooms are some kind of key to the universe... and that we were put here by something else... or that we're in this Matrix.... a fake reality... only to live out our celestrial lives in these bodies and just live and die in cycles of our own lives until we realize nirvana exists
i ended up handcuffed in the back of a ambulance or some type of truck. apparantely campus security got me to the hospital... they let me go. i wasn't under arrest or anything. they didn't do any tests on me there. so i hope i should be fine.
I didn't get a single bit of sleep since my trip last night....
It put a lot of things in perspective....
Idk if a lot of it was conjured up by my own thoughts, or it was inherently divine.
Either way, i hate it. Never doing it again. Not worth it. Too much of a mind fuck.
I feel like i'm scarred permanently.
Edited by Thuglife (02/12/11 01:41 PM)
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 Midnight_Toker
DFTBA
Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 6,949
Loc: Canada 
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Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Thuglife]
#13945637 - 02/11/11 03:36 PM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hey man, I wish I had more time to come up with a response for you but I have to go in like 2 seconds.
Don't get too caught up on what you did or how that night ended up. You didn't abandon anyone with the decisions you made. Mushrooms are amazing and can teach you a lot of things but you must take what you get with a grain of salt. Take the good that you experienced and integrate it into your life. Realize the bad you felt is a part of you but you still have your whole life to break the cycle. That night was not the be all and end all of your time here on earth as the person you are. It will get easier to see that as time goes on.
I have to go but I'm sure more people will give you sound advice. Just know that most of us here have been where you are in one way or another.
Get a good rest my friend and take it easy for a little while.
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Thuglife
Stranger
Registered: 11/25/10
Posts: 24
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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I've had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety in my chest since the trip. When will it leave me?
During the trip, I swear i concluded that the mushroom was a key to the universe and there was indeed a hire being or beings that put us here. The mushroom was the thing everyone knew about... and i thought the police and the law were trying to keep people away from it cuz it makes them realize too many truths. And that they had all taken it before, and chosen to not face their fears and break the cycle and choose life... instead they chose death like me, and are all now living with that feeling of loss and despair and hopelessness. Instead of choosing Matt and Jesus, they all chose to live with that terrible feeling and just die forever. I felt i understood why older people are so content with themselves. They took the bite from the tree (mushies), and chose death. I felt that the Bible was just explanations of people trying to conclude what put us here. And that since everything is a cycle, they've forgotten that it was the mushroom that started all civilizations.
After i came to grips that i'll die and never break the cycle, i was left with this overwhelming sensation of love. I was in the ER hearing babies crying and footsteps... i was convinced that i had just been reborn. And i had the feeling of extreme love and compassion for everything. That since i now understood what Jesus was, to deprive anyone of happiness for any reason and subscribe them to this feeling of death... was just plain evil.
I understood why people travel to India and Nepal and stuff to become monks. They realized the feeling of God. And the universe. And the cycle of everything. And that all that there is and should be is love. And that since it's all a cycle, then there must be two sides to EVERYTHING because there HAS to be for their to be a cycle. Good and evil. Jesus, God, universe, Nirvana, Matt's place, all good. Then my dorm, where the police showed, the ambulance... all that... the LAW.... was evil. It was the devil... which is the cycle of life and never breaking free.
Crazy.
I just want this feeling of anxiety and nervousness to go. It's the remnant of that ultimate feeling of sadness and apathy.
Edited by Thuglife (02/12/11 01:12 PM)
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Thuglife
Stranger
Registered: 11/25/10
Posts: 24
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Thuglife]
#13950806 - 02/12/11 01:46 PM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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I felt like we all had to find what comforted us or what greatness was to us. Everyone has a role i thought, and we all have to find that person or thing that we can use as a path to nirvana.
I saw Matt and his marijuana habit as that path.
I concluded that weed is what we wish we could be. A plant, just part of the universe. Being smoked and stimulating the thoughts of generations and countless peoples.
Cannabis was that feeling i associated with the Godliness i experienced. The ultimate good. FURTHER confirming my belief that the LAW and POLICE were evil and Satan, and their firm fight against it and all drugs was them trying to rob us of nirvana and enlightenment.
That night I really felt like i had taken that pill from that Matrix movie. Opening my eyes to the world.
I guess i can leave this experience with all that i learned. But this feeling of anxiety still looms.
Edited by Thuglife (02/12/11 01:50 PM)
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Aldebaran
Psilo-Scribe
Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 334
Loc: Altered States of Europe
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 Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Thuglife]
#13957224 - 02/13/11 08:11 PM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
The divine experience....I swear to you.... I felt and saw God.
Yes, strange how that happens isn't it? 
A lot of my high-dose trips involve similar feelings of God, death, enlightenment. When I'm sober, I'm not religious in any way, but I've had more than my fair share of "religious experiences" and "signs from God" during my trips. 
For example, on my most recent trip, I had the familiar feeling that I was God. I was looking at the indistinct writing that seemed to be floating within the carpet and on the walls, and decided that these were the words of people praying to me! The odd thing was that at the same time I was thinking "I'm sure this is a lot milder than my last trip." 
Quote:
I realized i had experienced death.
Ego death
Quote:
Idk if a lot of it was conjured up by my own thoughts, or it was inherently divine. Either way, i hate it. Never doing it again. Not worth it. Too much of a mind fuck. I feel like i'm scarred permanently.
Yep, it's a mindfuck alright. They don't call these mushrooms "hallucinogenic" for no reason. You might have enjoyed the experience a bit more if you'd remained in a safe environment and come down gradually to normality. Then again, my first LSD experience ended up in a police cell, so I'm in no position to lecture you about that. 
As for being inherently divine, mushrooms can consistently induce mystical states, it's true:
HOPKINS SCIENTISTS SHOW HALLUCINOGEN IN MUSHROOMS CREATES UNIVERSAL “MYSTICAL” EXPERIENCE
When a Psilocybin Study Leads to Spiritual Realization
Quote:
The past couple weeks, i started saying to myself how i guess i'm just an introverted person. That i find it easier to avoid any decisions in life by just sidestepping them and throwing my hands up and saying that it's just too much work to try and be someone i'm not. Let's face it, i said, I am the way i am and trying to fix it is taking a toll on my mind and body. I am mentally unstable. i have to live with my fucked up person.
Well, I think everyone's fucked up in one way or another if you scratch beneath the surface. Some of the people that appear to be happy and confident are not. I have an introverted personality, but I've become more confident as I get older, and some of the things that used to bother me don't anymore. There are some things about my personality that I can change (or that change naturally as I learn from experience), but part of becoming more confident is to accept the person I am, limitations included.
Quote:
That night I really felt like i had taken that pill from that Matrix movie. Opening my eyes to the world.
Quote:
I guess i can leave this experience with all that i learned. But this feeling of anxiety still looms.
Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off in a couple of years.
Just kidding, you'll be fine. Don't take anything from the trip too literally, just let the experience sink in and learn from it.
--------------------
I wrote that, but I meant something else
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Thuglife
Stranger
Registered: 11/25/10
Posts: 24
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Aldebaran]
#13958405 - 02/14/11 12:05 AM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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i got a lot from this. i'm feeling a lot better now.
just gotta tell my parents before the school does.
and in no way will that story involve magic mushrooms lol
playing the drunk black out card
thanks for the help guys. really helpful group here on shroomery
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Thuglife
Stranger
Registered: 11/25/10
Posts: 24
Last seen: 7 months, 8 days
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Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Thuglife]
#13972575 - 02/16/11 10:29 AM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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This was a blessing in disguise.
I can't tell you how my outlook on life has changed. How much more positive i feel. My new direction in life. I feel like i finally have worth.
I don't need substances to cloud my mind anymore. That's all they've been doing.
The shrooms themselves didn't help me, but the all-time low i hit while doing all these substances has made me realize what i'm capable of. How i'm better than all this. What i have in life. What i have to look foward to that no one else does. How i have to acquire knowledge to better myself. How finance is the key to understanding the world. How money is what will set me free.
I'm good. See you all later. Thanks for the help
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snowcloud
Shroom
Registered: 02/14/11
Posts: 3
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Re: Bad Trip, but had insane epiphanies [Re: Thuglife]
#13978670 - 02/17/11 02:30 PM (2 years, 3 months ago) |
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dude interesting story man what you really should try to reconnect your self with the innocence of your child. I feel on being close to god
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