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tyrannicalrex said:
Maybe come out to him without professing your love right away would be a good option.

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Straight men: What would you say to your best friend if he told you he was gay and in love with you? Would you distance yourself? (Keep in mind he understands you're straight and respects that).

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arekusu said:
I used to really like him, but it eventually faded away.quote]

How did it fade away and how long did it take?

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arekusu said:
I get really jealous of his GF. When I feel this way, I get incredibly embarrassed. I think I really do like him still, but I just shove it under so much stuff mentally I can generally ignore it. This is not healthy, but its liveable. quote]

This is exactly what I'm dealing with. But I just can't ignore it anymore. Like you said, it isn't healthy emotionally, it is killing me. I need him to know.

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tyrannicalrex said:
Take the advice of arekesu and come out to close friends/relatives.

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The reason I want to tell him first is because he is who I feel most comfortable telling and I talk to him more then anyone. I am more closer to him then any of my family members or relatives (besides mom). I know its important to come out to my family, but the thing is my father is a homophobic asshole who'd probably commit suicide if he found out from whatever relative/family member I told. (If I tell one of my family members, in time, I'm sure he'll find out himself). I just want him to live the rest of his life not knowing he has a gay son, because that's what he wants. But I don't think I deserve to suffer this much to make him happy. I don't know, it's so painful to think about.

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Anonymous said:

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tyrannicalrex said:
Maybe come out to him without professing your love right away would be a good option.

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although i am not gay, this was my first thought. this way you could see how he reacts and you wont have to hit him with your two biggest confessions back to back; test the waters and take it from there. and im sure being able to at least be open about your orientation with somebody will relieve tons of stress. and if hes truly as wonderful as you say he is, i have a feeling he will continue to accept you for who you are. who knows, maybe he already has a pretty good feeling youre gay, but has just been waiting for you to feel ready and comfortable enough to come out on your own.

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I know how he's going to react when I tell him I'm gay, he'll understand and love me anyways. I know him and I know he has no problem with the gay community. The 2nd part is where I'm uncertain but this is more the point to this post, to tell him that I love him, I can't tell him I'm in love with him without telling him I'm gay first though so basically I have to come out of the closet anyways to get there. I think he already knows sometimes, or thinks I'm a bisexual, sometimes I think he thinks I have a crush on him by how I act, but I don't think he has any idea about the L word. Crush and the L word are two totally different things. I guess we'll find out.
 

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meams said:

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Straight men: What would you say to your best friend if he told you he was gay and in love with you? Would you distance yourself? (Keep in mind he understands you're straight and respects that).

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I'd feel very awkward if I didn't have any inclination that there were any feelings to that extent before.  However, if you're as close to him as you say you are, he probably has some sort of faint idea.

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I am almost 100% he can tell I have some special feelings for him, probably not love, but definitely thinks I'm somewhat infatuated by him. So that's good.

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meams said:

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I dont konw, its a tough spot to be in.  GL

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YES.

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dummy said:
as a straight man that gets a lot of attention from homosexual men; i guarantee you will alienate and lose your friend if you come out. every one knows you're gay, dude. it's made clear with just a glance at even a photo of you. it's something in the eyes... i don't know what. but its very clear. i say you just come clean to him and lose his acquaintanceship... you'll be doing the right thing i think. then what you need to do is get your ass to a counselor and work out all of your deep seated issues. then you can find yourself a man that will reciprocate your feelings. there is no way in hell your friend is going to love you in that way... unless he himself is gay. i've been in your friends shoes my whole life (not exactly, but close.) I'm friendly and kind to all. But gay men seem to think that means I'm gay and want to be their boyfriend. It does not at all. Its very uncomfortable to be aggressively pursued when you have no interest in it. If you think coming clean to your friend will make you feel better, then it will. It will put a dampener on your relationship but it doesn't necessarily mean its over. But if you try to pursue him in a romantic way, and he isn't gay, then you will lose your friend. I sympathies with your situation and I'm sorry humanity isn't wiser in this respect so they will persecute you for your sexuality. But you can, and if you care enough about yourself you will, do what ever the fuck it takes to make yourself truly happy. Good luck.

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I don't believe any of this. This post disregards the information I've given. I see a lot ignorance in the words. I am so very sorry you feel like you're often being pursued by gay men but that isn't what I'm doing to my best friend. Nope, no one KNOWS I'm gay, I've had a few girls ask me out in the past few years, even the rest of my guy friends spark up conversations about what a hottie that girl is etc., so you're wrong. And did I even say the point of confessing my love for him was to get with him? NO. I said I just wanted him to be aware. I made it clear, I realize he's straight and respect that. I want to continue being best friends for the rest of our lives. I don't think you're anything like my best friend, who is compassionate, loving, accepting, and understanding. He loves me as friend. Tells me it all the time. We've been friends for way too long. After I tell him the truth, and he tells me how flattered he is, I'm going to come back to this thread and tell you how wrong you were. I know he loves me.

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tyrannicalrex said:
Dummy said: "every one knows you're gay, dude. it's made clear with just a glance at even a photo of you. it's something in the eyes."

Why do people never guess I am gay until I say so, and then go on about how  non-gay I look/act? This is an untrue statement and is subjective. Now the eye contact thing is true most of the time. An inordinate amount of staring indicates something might be there, but once again is subjective. I admit some people just simply can not hide being gay, and they do not want to. Sorry about the thread steal here. I like you dummy. We are good. I am not coming at you in anger just pointing something out. Where is a pic of him?

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Anonymous said:
Am I ever going to feel this way for any other man?

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I have been in love before and when it ended it hurts so badly you feel as though the pain will never end. The point is that I know the feeling you are trying to convey. The answer is YES you will love again. It may not be as strong or exactly the same, BUT it will happen again. The first one is ALWAYS the one that gets to your very core. The memories will be bittersweet. You may be lucky enough to keep that one love permanently and it all works great.(I hope so) 

From what you have stated here about him you know what you have to do. I should have deduced from what you said about your family and him that someone in your immediate family was the reason behind your apprehension to tell family first. Your father has really laid a heavy stone on your heart and that is very wrong of him. People like that are very cruel without caring what the consequences are to others around them. It's the old "man up" type attitude.

Even though I think it is commendable for you take your fathers feelings into consideration, it is destroying a part of you. The stress from that is going to effect you physically too. I am one to want to put things in peoples faces if they are uncomfortable with them though. You are not responsible for his mind. You can not change his mind. There are studies that show the ones that scream the loudest against gays are really harboring feelings of being gay, but I digress. Just look up Harvard studies and such for that.

I wish I could talk to you in person because I know this is a very fragile situation. I just saw that you are in your early 20's. This would make your father around my age(45)probably. Just from the statement you made about him I know this type of person. I dealt with them in Texas frequently. It infuriates me to see the damage they can do with Complete disregard to another human being.

Please stay strong. The pain will subside in time. DO NOT let this be your downfall into a state of depression/darkness. I know it seems like hell right now, but it will be better later. You know you must tell your friend. Please post on what happens. I feel like my hands are tied and I have to watch someone being beat up and I can not reach them. I am going through a bunch of shit right now too. You would not want a mate like mine. I am with you friend.

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meatcakeman said:

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tyrannicalrex said:
Dummy said: "every one knows you're gay, dude. it's made clear with just a glance at even a photo of you. it's something in the eyes."

Why do people never guess I am gay until I say so, and then go on about how  non-gay I look/act? This is an untrue statement and is subjective. Now the eye contact thing is true most of the time. An inordinate amount of staring indicates something might be there, but once again is subjective. I admit some people just simply can not hide being gay, and they do not want to. Sorry about the thread steal here. I like you dummy. We are good. I am not coming at you in anger just pointing something out. Where is a pic of him?

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Do you have a glorious beard? Gays are usually associated with femininity. If there's anything manly about you, that's probably what makes you look heterosexual.


AND to OP


Don't tell your friend that you love him. First, see if he accepts your homosexuality. Observe how he reacts to the revealing. If he acts like it was no surprise, then you might want to consider telling him. But, don't have the intention of telling him to see if he'll love you back. You need to focus on telling him in order to convey your honesty and your feelings. Don't scare him away. Allow him to embrace your opinions in order to understand them unbiasedly. Then, he will help you move on from this rut. Or, if he's a dick, he might just become appalled. So, don't just lay it all out for him. Give it to him in increments.

And, honestly, if my best friend came out and told me he loved me all at once, i'd feel completely awkward. but if he conditioned it right, i'd be able to understand and help him understand my stance, too. From there, hopefully a mutual agreement can be resolved and any wrapped up emotions can be set aside and let go.

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People say I look like Alec Baldwin(pant,pant,drool)but I don't see it. I get asked if I am the manager/owner in stores/restaurants etc... I do not have a glorious beard. I can't even grow a mustache to save my life. You have logical and sound advice here. The emotions being let go part is the tough thing here.

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I don't believe any of this. This post disregards the information I've given. I see a lot ignorance in the words. I am so very sorry you feel like you're often being pursued by gay men but that isn't what I'm doing to my best friend. Nope, no one KNOWS I'm gay, I've had a few girls ask me out in the past few years, even the rest of my guy friends spark up conversations about what a hottie that girl is etc., so you're wrong. And did I even say the point of confessing my love for him was to get with him? NO. I said I just wanted him to be aware. I made it clear, I realize he's straight and respect that. I want to continue being best friends for the rest of our lives. I don't think you're anything like my best friend, who is compassionate, loving, accepting, and understanding. He loves me as friend. Tells me it all the time. We've been friends for way too long. After I tell him the truth, and he tells me how flattered he is, I'm going to come back to this thread and tell you how wrong you were. I know he loves me.

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Anonymous said:
Am I ever going to feel this way for any other man?

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tyrannicalrex said:
Dummy said: "every one knows you're gay, dude. it's made clear with just a glance at even a photo of you. it's something in the eyes."

Why do people never guess I am gay until I say so, and then go on about how  non-gay I look/act? This is an untrue statement and is subjective. Now the eye contact thing is true most of the time. An inordinate amount of staring indicates something might be there, but once again is subjective. I admit some people just simply can not hide being gay, and they do not want to. Sorry about the thread steal here. I like you dummy. We are good. I am not coming at you in anger just pointing something out. Where is a pic of him?

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dummy said:

I was thinking about this last night... I bet you don't have a lot of female friends. I bet you don't act like a woman. It led me to believe that there are different types of gay men (my theory accounts for two, but who knows.) One type fulfills the more traditionally 'manly' role, and the other a more 'female' role. I could go on about this but I think you see where I'm going. You're a top aren't you? What do you think of this, gay guys?

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LOL! These are all common misperceptions about gay men because a majority of people just do not care to know the reality of what "gay" is. It is an innate quality that can only be suppressed. It can not be changed, forgotten, or psyched out of a person. We are born with it. Period. Now not all effeminate men are bottoms. Some are exclusively tops believe it or not. And vice versa. There are some that choose to play a role. I do not. I am very versatile in bed. If you get in the sack with someone why not try things to see what you/they like?

I don't have a lot of female friends because I get along better with men. I choose close friends very carefully these days. I am not effeminate and this is true as to why I am not suspected most of the time.

There are straight men who some other "manly" types would consider to be gay no matter what. Alan Alda is a good example. If a guy is sensitive, takes feelings into consideration, talks softly, is educated, talks about things interesting to women, hates football/pro sports/violence of any kind he is considered a "sissy" or "gay". I wish this would all just stop because this is part of the reason why a lot of gay people do not come out, or commits suicide.

There are some so called big bad ass mother fuckers who think they could kick any gay mans ass. I would love to take these types to a leather bar, a REAL leather bar. There is more gay man testosterone there than you can handle. They make Burt Reynolds look like Liberace. And yes as soon as some of them talk flowers just fall out of their mouths.

Mostly the gay man that is the normal type cares nothing about the top/bottom/male/female role. They are just regular guys who watch sports, fix cars, etc...many of them want kids and are vehemently monogamous to the point that the promiscuous types piss them off. They just want a man instead of a woman. Period.

P.S.
In my experience marines and/or guys with big dicks are always bottoms.