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Anonymous #2
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 Re: finally ended a 2 year relationship  [Re: Anonymous #1]
#12861699 - 07/07/10 02:21 PM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
#2; i'm going to sit down and read through as much of it as i can during my 5 hour work shift today. but i just have a question that i'll probably figure out eventually anyway; does this method of intimate relationship preservation try to shun the orgasm completely?? i get physical pain (blue balls) after like 5 days of no orgasm.
Yes and no, for initially the goal is I believe two or so weeks without orgasm to try and return to a bit of balance. After that point you get to see how you feel about it without as much nagging symptoms of craving orgasm. All the while you and a partner engage in bonding behaviors that do not get you hot and bothered. Blue balls is just over stimulation, because you expect release. It is not goal oriented sex, and most don't go for orgasm, but if it happens they track to see if their mood shifts.
Some have found that no matter what else they do, the extra bonding is a must and is most important, even if they decide not to forgo orgasm. Some basically plan out orgasmic nights, like one couple does it every Friday where after lots of bonding with eventually crank up the heat and both get of and bond some more before going to bed. So much of it boils down to the people themselves. Believe it or not, most get to the point that don't crave orgasm (as one will lose a sweet tooth after avoiding sugar for a long time).
There never is a linear path, some couples seem to have endless sex past 20 years of marriage, although I don't across that nearly as often as I do sexless marriages. The main difference is, the sexless marriages also have no means of intimacy without sex or trying to get horny. There probably is a fine balance where one can still enjoy orgasms with their partner if they cannot ever get over the craving, as long as they never use sex as a replace for closeness without intent. Simply having skin to skin contact and listening to each others hearts and breathing without intent of sex is a great way to help strengthen the bond that overzealous orgasmic sex seems to want to break.
One theory proposed by someone on the site based on their observations of their relationship and a few others they convinced to put more bonding behavior in their relationship was you look at the pattern the average long term couple follows. Before they had sex(early in relationship at first base and such), there wasn't orgasm together, only bonding behavior despite the fact it did charge ones batteries. They mentioned a synergetic effect between oxytocin and dopamine, and since both are needed for bonded in appropriate amounts for a good bond. Based on that, they decided to have two nights a week where they would have normal sex, and other nights only would hold each other and kiss and such. Most of the couples have experienced a new flame, the others are still better off with bonding.
Different methods work with different people, but I personally believe one of the strongest reasons this all works is a lot of couples really get pressed for time, and just have sex and don't have time for anything else. This probably more than anything depletes the flame, but the conscious input they put forth each day to just comfort instead of arouse probably gives the bond enough strength. Too many couples just simply do not say "I love you" right into the eyes of their lover with a nice long sensual kiss to follow it up. They think the fact they have been around should imply that, but you have to show the subconscious you still mean that, and invoke the same love you did days before. Honest, giving, comforting, all lets the brain shut down its guard, while surprisingly orgasmic sex does the opposite. Putting real effort to do both may just be enough, one of the happy wives I know got upset with a husband that would fall asleep while she wanted to talk in the afterglow. She felt alienated, which is compounded by the dopamine drop after sex. They decided to have sex an hour earlier so he would nod off, and they don't seem to have any conflict now.
My best advice, is while if one can stop desiring orgasm they will not have cravings that makes them miss having it, and will only enjoy a deeper and deeper bond. As so many can't, and only choose to reduce (much like sugar consumption) find what brings you closer to a lover. You can never show your love enough for each other, and that seems to be the real key. Find a frequency where you are satisfied enough (as it is difficult to stop orgasm and to tempting after accidents happen), and don't do more than you need to be satisfied. Fill all other times you would usually spend with normal sex, bonding in a loving way, and make more time for spontaneous love. It only takes a minute to for loving kissing session, and moments for a nice big hug. Those small moments make the world of difference.
Something interesting is looking into the bdsm community, surprising happy marriages despite intense sex, which I can only point to the whole act being one that bonds them together. I don't like whips, but whatever floats people's boats I guess.
Good luck on whatever path you take, and remember what sets those meant to be from those that aren't is the willingness to keep on trying.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: finally ended a 2 year relationship [Re: Anonymous #2]
#12863355 - 07/07/10 08:23 PM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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i'll definitely be giving it a shot, as i feel, especially after reading the articles, that this is our only shot. the words resonated with me, i think this is the problem we've been having. and i appreciate all of your help on the subject, i really do.
but i'm not really clear on some things; most times when we're just hugging, kissing, and rubbing each other in a bed then we inevitably get turned on. should we just try to resist the urge to have sex then (before the couple of weeks time that i need to ween off of orgasms is up) and keep up the nonsexual love making? and what exactly do they mean by gentle intercourse?
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Anonymous #2
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Re: finally ended a 2 year relationship [Re: Anonymous #1]
#12866060 - 07/08/10 08:31 AM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
i'll definitely be giving it a shot, as i feel, especially after reading the articles, that this is our only shot. the words resonated with me, i think this is the problem we've been having. and i appreciate all of your help on the subject, i really do.
but i'm not really clear on some things; most times when we're just hugging, kissing, and rubbing each other in a bed then we inevitably get turned on. should we just try to resist the urge to have sex then (before the couple of weeks time that i need to ween off of orgasms is up) and keep up the nonsexual love making? and what exactly do they mean by gentle intercourse?
Gentle intercourse is one of little or no moment, partners are connected, but the man doesn't usually have an erection the entire time since once you get comfortable with the fact you are not trying to overstimulate and have an orgasm. The two most common positions yab-yum (name from tantra) 
and scissors 
Frankly I find yab-yum more comfortable or at least it depends on the size of the people, some prefer scissors.
The point is connecting and feeling the energy of your partner without overstimulating yourself or your partner into frustration or blue balls.
What you and your partner have been doing is foreplay, and you get hot and bothered because you have been conditioned to go for orgasm. Not your fault, but you need to really think about what is happening. She does know of what you are up to correct and is on board? For this to work the best, both partners should be doing it. If she isn't willing to do without for a couple of weeks, she might catch on after you give enough good vibes out.
Depending on your situation, you may want to try yab-yum position with no movement even in underwear or gym shorts if you are getting way to easily overheated. Genitals should be pressed together, but don't hump each other. As much skin contact as possible though is quite helpful, and even if you are both in gym shorts, don't wear anything else. Give each other rubs in nonsexual places that soothes instead of excites.
If you follow normal foreplay, you are going to get frustrated and probably discontinue trying or simply be crippled in pain from blue balls. Just as the sex itself is calming the fire in a connecting way, should be the events leading up to it. Hugging and kissing are both great when done out of love instead of the hunger to devour her sexually (not saying you are, just pointing it out), but just be careful on the rubbing.
The key errors people make in this are:
conventional foreplay
going close to the edge of orgasm and stopping leading to frustration and sometimes pain
not changing their attitude to fit the approach
Trust me, when I first read this, I was thinking there was no way any of this could be good, or even better than normal sex. When you get the hang of it though, it is o so blissful. The same light you see a gal before sex you see after with even a little more glow. Love is all chemicals anyway, rather have them see someone is joyous glow that fills my heart with content, then see a lead anchor in front of me with rope tied around my neck.
In such a material world love is worth fighting for, and one cannot run from feelings, so if one is to feel regardless, why not feel good?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: finally ended a 2 year relationship [Re: Anonymous #2]
#12866993 - 07/08/10 02:08 PM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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The benefits sound really great. From getting over the compulsiveness to forming a deeper bond with my lady, I'm willing to really exert myself.
She sees the idea of orgasm less sex a bit of a stretch, and frankly i do too. But it seems many people on reuniting's forum and you yourself say that it gets much easier with time.
We've done the 'scissors' position before. We call it the mail man though. Called it that because she started screaming at the top of her lungs and the mail man was just outside of the window the first time we ever tried it. Good times... sorry I digress, damn compulsion...
So these positions are to be done with no penetration, or is it just no thrusting? If it's the latter, I guess the pants are there to make sure we don't end up fucking.
How long have you been doing this? You seem very fond of the technique.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: finally ended a 2 year relationship [Re: Anonymous #1]
#12867245 - 07/08/10 03:08 PM (2 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
The benefits sound really great. From getting over the compulsiveness to forming a deeper bond with my lady, I'm willing to really exert myself.
She sees the idea of orgasm less sex a bit of a stretch, and frankly i do too. But it seems many people on reuniting's forum and you yourself say that it gets much easier with time.
We've done the 'scissors' position before. We call it the mail man though. Called it that because she started screaming at the top of her lungs and the mail man was just outside of the window the first time we ever tried it. Good times... sorry I digress, damn compulsion...
So these positions are to be done with no penetration, or is it just no thrusting? If it's the latter, I guess the pants are there to make sure we don't end up fucking.
How long have you been doing this? You seem very fond of the technique.
You can penetrate (put it in and leave it in), just don't thrust or do much movement. You feel the energy flow as the erections come and go. The pants thing was for sometimes couples aren't ready for penetration, or the excitement is too much to handle.
Sadly my last girl of around two years transferred colleges after having problems with the administration. I keep in touch still, but we decided to move on as there is just too much distance and the forecast doesn't look good for moving anywhere close for the next 5 or so years. Both are happy friends, but there are just certain instances where things just are not meant to be.
When I met her, she was indifferent to sex as she had done it a handful of times, but the let down was harsh. She didn't feel fulfilled masturbating, and I introduced her to this method of sex. I didn't know about those websites and such, I just was interested in sacred styles of sex, and enjoyed the results better than western style tantra. We started out slow, first both in sweat pants and undershirts. Then the undershirts came off a few weeks later, then her bra about another week later. Another week or two we were in underwear, and 3 days after that completely nude without penetration. A little while after we made a full connection. Had slip ups like anyone does, both at times would just be so charged an orgasm just would happen. We didn't feel much ill effect from it, just a bit of "gotta clean this up, now I'm sleepy lol". Defiantly the best relationship I have had to date.
The next long term relationship if I can get the gal on board, will be more experimental, see how perhaps to get the best of both worlds. I mean I do enjoy the romp myself, it is how we are wired, but it just takes time since even lovers who fuck like 5 times a day can go for a few years without the sparks ending, but when the bottom falls out. I do wonder if one can play both parts of the mind, if one cannot, than I am perfectly thrilled with always being charged to a lover via karezza. I mean I never desired more, just interested if it can be done as it can be difficult finding partners who see eye to eye on sex.
Also just be careful on the forums for reuniting, alot of those people have way more problems that orgasmic sex. It doesn't help their situation, but the method is defiantly a sound one that many can attest to.
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