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 ST1
Stranger
Registered: 06/08/09
Posts: 2
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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 Suicidal thoughts...
#10472141 - 06/08/09 03:43 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm barely gonna hit 21 yet I want to end it already... Everyday is the same, it's just as depressing as ever. It's been dragging on and on ever since I moved to the US, which is now close to 10 years. I guess I used to be happy with life until I hit the age of 10... After the move, everything changed.
My parents, family, are no longer the same. I try to look on the bright side but... I no longer see it. I have been alone for the past 10 years, unable to express myself to friends or family. I don't know how I managed to continue on in life, for, this isn't my first suicidal thoughts. The only difference is, lately, it's becoming much more frequent. I am the blacksheep of my family. My parents practically despise me and I don't get along with my siblings. And to add oil to the fire, my uncle past away not too long ago, adding more thoughts to my already disturbing thoughts. It just pisses me off that I was uninformed of his medical condition. He has been diagnost of cancer for over a year, yet, I knew nothing of while he was still breathing... During his funeral, I wished I were dead.
Even just this morning, I've had more astray thoughts even this morning while driving to school. I don't even pay much attention to the roads lately, hoping someone will crash and kill me in an instant death... Or drive up the mountains or canyons, play with luck by pushing my car beyond it's limit by speeding through very sharp curves that cannot be handled by a stock car and roll off the road and down the mountain side... or something like that...
I made attempts to indirectly talk to my friends, to try to indirectly leech advices that can maybe be of some help, but it starts to feel as though no one knows or wants to bother to understand me. So I really wonder, what can I possibly do now? I have lost my reason for being alive, I have no purpose to continue life, I'm sick and tired of life, I pretty much see myself as a waste of space and a waste of resources. These thoughts are annoying and disturbs my ability to concentrate and from falling asleep at night. I just thought I'd post here and hope to get some kind of useful feedback BEFORE I do something permanently stupid... Thanks in advance...
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mycoharry
Fun guy
 
Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 411
Last seen: 1 month, 15 days
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10472189 - 06/08/09 03:56 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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wooh dude. the point of life is to enjoy it. if you dont like where you are sitting find a different chair. life is what you make it.
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we create realitys in our minds based on our own experiences, rather than fact. my experiences in life have been insane, so in reality i am in fact, INSANE...
-ME
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Booby
Agent Mulder
Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10472513 - 06/08/09 05:02 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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It's like a stage...
And when you're looking for your freedom
(nobody seems to care)
And you can't find the door
(can't find it anywhere)
When there's nothing to believe in
Still you're coming back, you're running back
You're coming back for more.
Jesus said something about being dead to the world
So it's like a staged drama
Leading you on to the next scene.
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Booby
Agent Mulder
Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: Booby]
#10472753 - 06/08/09 05:41 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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To preserve paradise
Put up a parkinglot.
Sometimes it seams like these songwriters have been in your shoes.
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 mr.bixby
Routine waxes cold
Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 1,246
Loc: The West is the Best
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10473391 - 06/08/09 07:20 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
ST1 said:
I'm barely gonna hit 21 yet I want to end it already... Everyday is the same, it's just as depressing as ever. It's been dragging on and on ever since I moved to the US, which is now close to 10 years. I guess I used to be happy with life until I hit the age of 10... After the move, everything changed.
My parents, family, are no longer the same. I try to look on the bright side but... I no longer see it. I have been alone for the past 10 years, unable to express myself to friends or family. I don't know how I managed to continue on in life, for, this isn't my first suicidal thoughts. The only difference is, lately, it's becoming much more frequent. I am the blacksheep of my family. My parents practically despise me and I don't get along with my siblings. And to add oil to the fire, my uncle past away not too long ago, adding more thoughts to my already disturbing thoughts. It just pisses me off that I was uninformed of his medical condition. He has been diagnost of cancer for over a year, yet, I knew nothing of while he was still breathing... During his funeral, I wished I were dead.
Even just this morning, I've had more astray thoughts even this morning while driving to school. I don't even pay much attention to the roads lately, hoping someone will crash and kill me in an instant death... Or drive up the mountains or canyons, play with luck by pushing my car beyond it's limit by speeding through very sharp curves that cannot be handled by a stock car and roll off the road and down the mountain side... or something like that...
I made attempts to indirectly talk to my friends, to try to indirectly leech advices that can maybe be of some help, but it starts to feel as though no one knows or wants to bother to understand me. So I really wonder, what can I possibly do now? I have lost my reason for being alive, I have no purpose to continue life, I'm sick and tired of life, I pretty much see myself as a waste of space and a waste of resources. These thoughts are annoying and disturbs my ability to concentrate and from falling asleep at night. I just thought I'd post here and hope to get some kind of useful feedback BEFORE I do something permanently stupid... Thanks in advance...
You got to have some kind of hope or it's all worthless. I've wanted to die and can relate to seeing a dead person (like your Uncle) and envying their postition. My twin's live-in girlfriend killed herself just 3 weeks ago a day after I stopped by and visited them and that really put things in perspective of how it affected my twin and the families involved. It's amazing the damage it can do and though I still might do it down the road for now I feel pretty optimistic, meaning things can change quickly if you let them and get through the shit.
Interesting your first post would be about this on the shroomery, I hope you find something to keep you interested in life.
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Grok
Has Been a Bad Boy
Registered: 12/03/03
Posts: 1,262
Loc: Greener Pastures 
Last seen: 1 month, 14 days
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: mr.bixby]
#10474322 - 06/08/09 09:26 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I can relate to that position, because I've been there myself. Each passing day, I am thankful that I never did anything that permanent. From the time I was, like you, about 10, until relatively recently, my life was nothing but constant inner turmoil, and I wished to hell I was dead all the time.
The tricky part is, things have turned around and I can't really pinpoint why. I'm consistently stable and more or less...happy nowadays. To be honest, I can't even believe it. For once in my life, I'm not being dragged down by some stupid baggage, and it's...great!
When I was younger, I never really thought that life would be anything near what I wanted it to be. Like it was just going to be the same old bullshit, forever, and what the fucks the point then? However, it's become clear to me that I can have the type of life I want, that I'm already living it and on the path to realize my further goals.
You've gotta find something that motivates you. Something you can hold onto in your mind that takes the spotlight off the bullshit. There's no shortage of bullshit in life, and if you don't have some goals, that's all you'll see--because you're wandering aimlessly through it.
Now, we're all different and I can't tell you what you need. There's a lot of fun shit in life, and I always recommend trying some of that. Go skydiving, or buy a motorcycle, or explore the desert. Something that you haven't done before. Find what it is you enjoy, and pursue it.
Of course, having friends and supporting family helps a lot--but fuck em if they're no good. That's hard--and you have to be patient before a better social network develops for you. But I have faith man.
Best of wishes~
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mick
living in perverty
Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6,691
Loc: hb, cali
Last seen: 17 minutes, 47 seconds
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: Grok]
#10475728 - 06/09/09 04:20 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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ST1 I could imagine that you are feeling this way. If you are unable to express your emotions to anyone else, things are going to build up inside which you need to vent. I think this is especially true when you are going through rough times already, such as a death in the family, or the feeling of not being liked by your parents, etc...
I can tell you how I feel about a couple things; I find its useful to keep reminding ourselves of our positive philosophies through writing, meditation, or by simply going over it in our heads when we need to be reminded.
You always have the right to express yourself to others. You deserve to be able to do this, and that is what friends are for. If you feel there is a close friend, or one who is inclined to help in these types of situations, you need to open up. Im not sure if you feel you are a good communicator or not, but if this is the case, you could always write your thoughts down first, pick out the sentiments you really want to express and start your conversation from there. Either way, you need to be able to open up to someone; even if you gotta force it. Also think about going to a therapist, which I would really recommend considering your recent ideations with suicide.
We cannot control the way others others feel about us. Nor should we. This is a hard one when the people are our parents, but even that is regardless of the point. We are all human beings, some people feel differently than others, for whatever their reasons. We have to accept this and cope with it in a healthy and productive way. In your situation I would recommend you confront your parents about their feelings. Honestly, communication is usually the number one answer to resolving these kinds of issues, or at least getting some closure. You have a right to know where you stand with your parents, and how they feel about you. Ask them. Tell them how you feel they feel about you. If they say destructive things, you can always tell them that they are hurting your feelings. Or you could tell them you forgive them, hug them, walk away, etc... Either way you deserve to know how significant people in your life feel about you, so you can both start to mend those relationships, or cope with and move on from them.
Go to the sticky at the top of these forms and call the suicide hotline also. Look man in your situation, it is good to talk with anyone who is able to give advice, and who is there to listen to you. Don't try and solve your problems alone right now, reach out, and talk with those who are there to help. Suicide is not the anwser, you don't want to deprive yourself of all the good things in life that are sitting here, waiting for you to discover them. Go see a therapist if you can. You're 21, which means you should be in college, hopefully you are, because college is filled with a bunch of people who like to talk and network. School is a good outlet if you put yourself in the situation to be social, pretty much by walking up to people, saying hi, and starting a conversation. Most colleges, even community, have a health building on campus where you might be able to go talk with someone and get some good resources. Try to think of more productive options than suicide, life can get really, reallly good man, and you dont want to miss out on those feelings.
sorry for the long post, its late
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http://kittiesntitties.tumblr.com/
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "
ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."
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hoodbran
Dosser
Registered: 06/01/08
Posts: 1,317
Loc: Phloston Paradise
Last seen: 1 hour, 5 minutes
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10476831 - 06/09/09 11:08 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hi ST1, you've got some great feedback, How was today for you? we hope you hold in there 
These thoughts you're having could be representative of many things, some you've mentioned and others you might not be aware of yet... I agree with all the above posts, find a therapist if you can, speak to the hotline; the number is in the forum sticky and communication always works, communicate your concerns with your family and friends, the things that irk you, you have the voice and right to live happily! It's Okay to ask for help and you certainly won't be seen differently, it might even make your folks realize how tough it's been for you.
Where did you move from when you immigrated to the US? - I know it sounds irrelevant but it helps to remember how much a new place (in your case, the US) is an improvement of the old.. I experienced that personally, from going from one lesser country to the US and forgetting what I had...
Please be careful when you're out driving brav; The auto has became a great escape tool that weighs a ton, there's many forms of escape, it's not which one is best, the need to escape the thoughts by suicide or any other form is just intrusion on your level of happiness - and I couldn't blame you but too much running is tiring.
Keep posting, do everything possible to seek a caring RL person to help and stay away from websites that discuss depression and so-called "pro-choice" debates it'll only propagate the feelings and make you feel worse.
Feel free to PM if you'd like a chat.
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Not all drugs are good, Some are great.
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Poid
deBunker
Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 40,357
Loc: SF Bay Area
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: Booby]
#10480709 - 06/10/09 12:29 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Booby said:
To preserve paradise
Put up a parkinglot.
Sometimes it seams like these songwriters have been in your shoes.
 , I used to think it said "put up a fuckin' lot"...
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Well I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them. -- Bob Dylan   fireworks_god said:It's one thing to simply enjoy a style of life that one enjoys, but it's another thing altogether to refer to another person's choice as "wrong" or to rationalize their behavior as being pathological or resulting from some sort of inadequacy or failing so as to create a sense of superiority or separation as yet another projection of a personal fear or control issue.
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ST1
Stranger
Registered: 06/08/09
Posts: 2
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: hoodbran]
#10481925 - 06/10/09 09:45 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks guys for all of the feedbacks. I really appreciate them. Just to answer some of you, I came from France 10 years ago and lived with my relatives for almost a year, which was when I think my depression started... At that time, I became completely anti-social since I would not utter even a single word for weeks... home or school... That lasted for over a year... I guess time pretty much froze on me. I am currently going to college, but not of my choice though since my parents refused to let me attend UCI even thought I got accepted... As for therapy, I still think I'm a bit too stubborn to admit anything to a "professional" because I have trouble wording my thoughts... so yea...
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hoodbran
Dosser
Registered: 06/01/08
Posts: 1,317
Loc: Phloston Paradise
Last seen: 1 hour, 5 minutes
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10482120 - 06/10/09 10:35 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hi again,
I have another question for you; When you first landed in America, did you see opportunity in most directions? if so, do you still see the same ones or have they become clouded? Your own recovery shouldnt be held back because you find it hard to word your feelings.. There's many therapies that can cut straight in, like; talk, art therapy, psychodrama to help you put into words what youre feeling, helping you make sense of it all.
So you're saying depression has been around for the past 9 years or so? That's a long time to hold in/back what is really bugging you! by now it may be hard without a professional to make any sense of the contents of your subconsciousness which will affect your sleep, dreams, concentration, some "harmless-on-the-surface" childhood experiences can have deep profound and maladaptive effects on the adult which usually either benefit the adult or develop into depression, SI (suicidal ideation), substance abuse and/or some form of personality disorder.
Quote:
Project Gutenberg;
The child comes into the world—indeed, comes into the school—with much potential and very little actual capital. Nature has through heredity endowed him with infinite possibilities. But these are but promises; they are still in embryonic form. The powers of mind and soul at first lie dormant, waiting for the awakening that comes through the touch of the world about and for the enlightenment that comes through instruction.
Given just the right touch at the opportune moment, and these potential powers spring into dynamic abilities, a blessing to their possessor and to the world they serve. Left without the right training, or allowed to turn in wrong directions, and these infinite capacities for good may become instruments for evil, a curse to the one who owns them and a blight to those against whom they are directed.
I put this here because it demonstrates the powerful life-long effects of a troublesome past and how it occurs in most cases.
What is important my friend is you have made steps to share how you feel, offload some of that and you'll feel lighter but don't expose your insecurities and self to just anyone, you need boundaries and if you leave no doors open that allow vulnerabilities in or too much passive behavior out, you'll curse yourself less.
I recommend you read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, you can download it as an audiobook read by Peter Coyote on most torrent sites.
Sorry if my post appears to be utter BS, I'm reflecting from my own experiences to help you become more aware and understanding of the nature of these pervasive thoughts you're having.
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Not all drugs are good, Some are great.
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Nexion
Seeker
Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 647
Last seen: 30 days, 19 hours
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: hoodbran]
#10482268 - 06/10/09 11:10 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Dude, just find a passion, hobby, exercise, anything to devote yourself to and keep your mind off the negative. And if it's something you really like it could possibly bring you happiness.
When I went through a depressive stage I would think of it as a game. The world's goal was to get me to cave in and give up and end my life, my goal was to live a long and fulfilling life. It worked, as simple as it seems. You just need something to occupy your mind and move on past this phase.
Everything in life is a choice, even happiness. You can choose to dwell on negative things and feel bad for yourself. Or you can find what you really like to do and give it your all. And if you have a hard time finding what you want to do, exercise. It is physically and emotionally satisfying and a great stress reliever.
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Wasteland
Elektromeister!
Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 4,756
Loc: A pathetic small town in ...
Last seen: 10 months, 10 days
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Re: Suicidal thoughts... [Re: ST1]
#10483954 - 06/10/09 05:04 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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All that is undone is a part of your future, your future by your actions.
A better life may be waiting with the right opportunity.
Life is about choice, even with a gun to your head, you have a choice.
I have suicidal thoughts and fantasies as well. But just because you think about ending it all, doesn't mean it's over.
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CLICKY!!!
!
The Mad Shroomer said:
People are always promising the apocalypse. They never deliver. 
http://superftmn.deviantart.com/gallery/
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