I mean, I don't consider my situation that bad, but I guess ill start with the drugs. I smoked pot heavily for 7 or 8 years now, thats not a problem, but I'd like to quit. I been getting into xtc, speed and coke lately though, and also some pain killers. I suffer from schizophrenia / manic depression and its a constant battle, at times it feels like hell on earth, nothing in general is bothering me, but I can't sit still in a silent room no more. My doc says drugs are bad, but my whole world is consumed by them, all my friends do it and I like em. I understand that I need to remove myself from this scene, but it's not as easy as I'd like it to be. I feel helpless of no use to this world; I have great ambitions and goals but with no one who thinks I can accomplish them, it takes it's toll on my mind. I don't even think this post will do anything, I kinda already know what needs to be done and the things people will say in the replies more then likely I either know or have realized before, which leaves me feeling helpless. They say knowing what needs to be done is half the battle, but I feel that knowing what needs to be done isnt even 1/4 of the battle, its the doing that is hard.
I started doing situps and pushups in the morning and night and a jog around the block, I figure a healthy body will better my mood, and I wanna get out of the drug scene but where will I go? I live with a room mate who is a heavy pot smoker like myself and I cant afford to get my own place. Some might suggest I find a nice girl to keep me straight, but if I cant even make myself happy, how can I make her happy?
I have all kinds of ideas and desires but no means to achieving them.
If I had to explain what I feel right now it would be this:
I'm in the woods, it's pitch black, I can go in any direction, but everything that is not in front of me is unknown so it doesn't seem to matter which way I go. I walk in some random direction for the sake of doing something and everywhere I go I find people who are just as lost as me, some have even gave up and just sit there doing nothing, I feel like carrying all of them with me but its extra work and how can I convince someone who's just as lost as I am that I'm going in the right direction. Sometimes I see a light in the distance, but every time I take a step it gets dim, its like something is messing with me, giving me hope then taking it away just for laughs.
I wanna help the world but I cant even help myself? isn't that just the worse feeling ever?
Thanks for listening to my rant, I hope someone can shine some light on my dark situation.
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i'd look into eating healthier, vegetables and fruit, less stims & sweating will clear your head, after a certain amount of lifting you get a numb warm fuzzy headed feeling sometimes?
i try to stay busy, but i keep my goals in the back of my head and every so often i get a little closer. little ones like getting my license replaced, lifting weights, doing laundry. it adds up, it gets easier.
details shmeetails
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Yeah eating healthy is on my list, I drink lots of green tea, and I have a spoon full of flax seeds now and then, I stopped using teh deep fryer. I think I'm going to need to keep busy though.
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